Some people just don't understand

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Deinonychus
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08 Feb 2010, 2:14 pm

I just need to talk (write) out a little bit.

In the break a foreign woman came to me. I was standing by the wall and stared into nowhere, as usual.
She: 'Why don't you socialise with the others?'
Me: 'I don't want to.'
She: 'Why not?'
Me: I have no idea, I just don't want to.'
She: 'Are they nasty to you?'
Me: 'No.'
She: 'But then what's wrong?'
Me: 'Nothing.'
She: 'They don't let you be around them?'
Me: 'Yes, they do.'
She: 'What class are you in?"
Me: '7th grade.'
She: 'Don't you want to play along the girls in your class?"
Me: 'No ...'
She: 'The boys, then?'
Me: 'No.'
She: 'Okey. I saw you here, at the same place, some days ago , and I thought you were here for visit - because you were alone. Is this because you're new here? Will you socialise with them later?'
Me: 'No.'
She: 'Why not? Don't you like them?'
Me: 'I do like them.'
She: 'Is there anyone who is rude?'
Me: 'No, everyone's kindly.'
She looked confused and didn't know what to say.
She: 'But at least sit on the bench, - please!! - in stead of standing here.'

This happens all the time. People come to me, and wonder why I'm standing there, lonely, without any friends.
I have nothing against being alone in school. I'm tired of people who think that I feel sad just because I avoid others.
They question me - they who don't know about my Asperger's, deal with me like I was like everyone else, and get surprised of my behavior. Sometimes they even say things like: 'I'm sure you'll get some friends soon, don't give up!'
They who are aware of my diagnosis, handle me as an infant, or at least most of them do. I don't know what's best.
More and more people want talking to me.
Kids in school make fun of me, I'm 'the noiseless girl who's unable to be like everyone else'.
My classmates are nice, but I know they think I'm peculiar. The girls want to be my friend, but I 'don't answer' and 'want to be alone'. That's just me!
There is one teacher who knows about my AS, and she expects that I'm really good at a particular thing (due to my Asperger's! :evil: ).
She asks me all the time: "Are you good at it?"
I always say 'no', and then she looks disappointed and asks if I practise to become good. This is driving me nuts!

A few supportive words to me? :( And do you recognize yourself?


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Kaizer
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08 Feb 2010, 2:46 pm

its just the teachers odd way of being supportive even though its not wanted at least it shows they're attempting to be understanding as annoying as it is.

try to be patient and they will come to accept you for your quirks and just regard it as how you are and people talking about you as if your deaf can be hurtful even though occasionally its not meant that way

maybe you could have a talk or write a letter to your teacher explaining that you are quite content as you are and if you feel the need to aquire friends in the future you'll do it in your own time when you want too.

school is hard but try to concentrate on what makes you happy and do what you feel is right hope this helps some what :D



Jpeg
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08 Feb 2010, 2:52 pm

People, friends of friends usually, will very often ask me "do you talk?", or say "I've never heard you talk before". It's extremely annoying especially since the same people will usually repeat this again a few weeks or months later, when ever it is that I next see them.

What I often do to avoid people I don't know bothering me is to stand near a group of people I sort of know and make it look like I am part of the group even though I don't say anything and am completely ignored.


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Apera
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08 Feb 2010, 4:11 pm

Jpeg wrote:
People, friends of friends usually, will very often ask me "do you talk?", or say "I've never heard you talk before". It's extremely annoying especially since the same people will usually repeat this again a few weeks or months later, when ever it is that I next see them.


Next time, try this:

"Woah, I've never heard you talk before!"

"Think that's amazing? Check out this pen!"

"OW!! It just shocked me!"

Maybe that they will remember.


Yeah, people bug me about it occasionally. Not as much in college, thankfully. I'm nobody's responsibility, so nobody cares that much what I do.


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Elementary_Physics
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08 Feb 2010, 5:04 pm

NT adults seem to think that you WANT to be talked to. I had this problem alot as a kid, with people trying to get me to be social. A simple "No thank you" doesn't stop them.



Willard
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08 Feb 2010, 6:27 pm

Just buy one of those bulb horns that they sell to mount on bicycle handlebars and keep it in your coat. When someone comes up and starts talking to you, take it out and honk it at them without speaking, like Harpo Marx used to do. Then smile and give them the old 'Hit the road, Jack' thumb jerk. They won't have any idea what to say to that, but the message will be clear. :P



MudandStars
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09 Feb 2010, 4:39 am

ASDs aside... haven't people like this ever heard of an introvert??


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Deinonychus
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09 Feb 2010, 4:19 pm

Many thanks to all of you, for answering.

Kaizer: Thanks awfully. :)
Jpeg: I use to get that question too! My sister's friends always ask 'Why don't you talk?' and even 'Are you dumb?'.
Elementary_Physics: Yes, they think that I want them to talk to me. I wonder why my lack of eye contact and my shyness don't stop them at all.
Willard: Good advice. :wink:
MudandStars: I wonder the same.



ebec11
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09 Feb 2010, 6:35 pm

When I was younger, I was a strange mix of just playing by myself and trying my heart out to play with the other kids even though my horrible social skills at the time just made them resent me, especially when I would get a teacher to help me to let me play with them. Now I sit alone a lot, but I sit with my friends when I feel like it. It's hard because I'm very sensitive to noise and touch and my friends and some other people (like 15 in total) like to sit in a stairwell together and the combination of lack of room, touching and noise makes it really hard for me to hang out with them.



willmark
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16 Feb 2010, 9:48 am

Withdrawn wrote:
My classmates are nice, but I know they think I'm peculiar. The girls want to be my friend, but I 'don't answer' and 'want to be alone'. That's just me!
There is one teacher who knows about my AS, and she expects that I'm really good at a particular thing (due to my Asperger's! :evil: ).
She asks me all the time: "Are you good at it?"
I always say 'no', and then she looks disappointed and asks if I practise to become good. This is driving me nuts!

A few supportive words to me? :( And do you recognize yourself?

Forgive me if this seems like a dumb question. I am just trying to understand AS. I have some AS attributes but many NT also. I thought people who have AS have trouble reading body language, or knowing what others are thinking, but yet you say, "...and then she looks disappointed...". Of course there are gradations of this I'm sure. Maybe you are one of the very high functioning.

Personally I think the folks around you are using the wrong approach. The young woman you speak of wants to help, but I expect she is twice removed from being able to relate. First she's not AS, and second she is not an introvert. If I was in her shoes, I would just observe you; maybe for days, or weeks. I might never speak to you, or approach you, it just depends. I would collect observations, watch for patterns of your behavior, try to get a mental image of how it feels to be you. What I would be looking for is opportunities to be helpful, and there might never be any, and that would be ok too. Letting you have the uninterrupted solitude you need is also a way of being a friend.



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Deinonychus
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16 Feb 2010, 10:49 am

willmark wrote:
Withdrawn wrote:
My classmates are nice, but I know they think I'm peculiar. The girls want to be my friend, but I 'don't answer' and 'want to be alone'. That's just me!
There is one teacher who knows about my AS, and she expects that I'm really good at a particular thing (due to my Asperger's! :evil: ).
She asks me all the time: "Are you good at it?"
I always say 'no', and then she looks disappointed and asks if I practise to become good. This is driving me nuts!

A few supportive words to me? :( And do you recognize yourself?

Forgive me if this seems like a dumb question. I am just trying to understand AS. I have some AS attributes but many NT also. I thought people who have AS have trouble reading body language, or knowing what others are thinking, but yet you say, "...and then she looks disappointed...". Of course there are gradations of this I'm sure. Maybe you are one of the very high functioning.

Personally I think the folks around you are using the wrong approach. The young woman you speak of wants to help, but I expect she is twice removed from being able to relate. First she's not AS, and second she is not an introvert. If I was in her shoes, I would just observe you; maybe for days, or weeks. I might never speak to you, or approach you, it just depends. I would collect observations, watch for patterns of your behavior, try to get a mental image of how it feels to be you. What I would be looking for is opportunities to be helpful, and there might never be any, and that would be ok too. Letting you have the uninterrupted solitude you need is also a way of being a friend.

I understand why you have that question.
I have problems with understanding body language, yes. My investigators told me that.
But some people just show their body language so clearly, that I know what they mean.

Thank you for your answer.
You seem like a smart person.



willmark
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17 Feb 2010, 9:10 am

I am curious if you could play a little game with yourself, reguarding this teacher, by trying to look at you as though it were through her eyes. I don't know if you can, but you might try it. You know what she wants. She is looking for a way to relate, or to figure out what's happening behind the exterior shell that she experiences from you. I don't know. Perhaps this would help you see this teacher as someone who wants to help you, instead of as a source of irritation and frustration.



kc8ufv
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17 Feb 2010, 9:54 pm

One trick to the eye-contact issue, though this won't work if they are within about 4-5 feet of you, look at the top of their head. They will perceive this as you looking in their eyes, but it won't feel like you are. I know eyes can be intimidating...



willmark
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18 Feb 2010, 9:07 am

Withdrawn wrote:
I have problems with understanding body language, yes. My investigators told me that.
But some people just show their body language so clearly, that I know what they mean.

I experience something like this too. On online tests that are designed to measure facial memory and ability to read facial expressions, I don't do very well, but I manage to intuit what folks are feeling any way. I just know somehow.



ottorocketforever
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19 Feb 2010, 6:18 pm

What I do with my professors now is give them a handout, explaining what needs I may have for my college courses. One is not using tact or sayings with me, and also to be direct with me, without using hand gestures, otherwise, I'll keep raising my hand to answer questions, when they don't want me to.



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Deinonychus
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21 Feb 2010, 2:24 pm

willmark wrote:
I am curious if you could play a little game with yourself, reguarding this teacher, by trying to look at you as though it were through her eyes. I don't know if you can, but you might try it. You know what she wants. She is looking for a way to relate, or to figure out what's happening behind the exterior shell that she experiences from you. I don't know. Perhaps this would help you see this teacher as someone who wants to help you, instead of as a source of irritation and frustration.

That would be interesting to try.
It sounds difficult, but I'll at least make a try. :)