Unpleasant situation with my classmate again

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I'll probably post a lot about her and maybe other people I'm having problems with in school, if that's fine? I wouldn't really like to discuss all of it with my psychologist since her reaction is unpredictable, it seems as if she sometimes classifies it as gossiping.. IMO she's not a very good psychologist at that part, but here goes the story.

We had to do independent(without teacher's help) laboratory work in a physics class and we had to work in groups. I dislike working in groups and I get very anxious with certain people, such as my classmate, who does a lot of unnecessary babbling while I tell her to concentrate quietly on the questions and then we'll discuss any problems together; I think it's very reasonable, but she can't concentrate at all and so it distracts my work.. But here's this part of the conversation which confused me very much:

me: "See, this is what you should do (showing her what to do). Then you just look at the scale and you already know the answer, since now you know the value of each space."
her: "What do you mean?"
And I explain everything for a really long time, then she says "But the answer's wrong.."
me: "How is it wrong? (now I tell her all the calculation I did, she takes out her calculator, and then she's silent)
Then she began to mess with me, and I got really anxious, I couldn't do anything at all, since she accused me of calling her stupid (she said "I'm not an idiot, you don't have to tell me always that I'm stupid", and I was so perplexed, telling her that I haven't told anything like that, and then she became furious!! this happens very often between her and me, and she also called me manipulative last year, do you think it's because of such conversations?)
I couldn't put anything together anymore, I felt so uncomfortable..

edit: forgot to add, that she also said "I know you want to get into the exact sciences department in gymnasium so badly, but it doesn't mean I can't do anything at all or that I don't know anything" Then I was just amazed at what she said. She also constantly points out that I want to impress people, when I don't, and whenever I tell her that I'm not doing anything for good impression, she says something sarcastically.. anyway I don't understand what's going on between us

What do you think of this?

Sounds like your classmate is not a very nice person. Reminds me of many people I met in high school. I often fell into the habit (still do truth be told) of telling people clearly where they have gone wrong with something, however some people react to this by becoming defensive when they realise they have made a mistake. Some people in that situation try to put the other person down to make themselves feel better. It sounds to me like that is what your classmate is doing.

I know it's hard, but try not to let it get to you. You are not the one with the problem, your classmate is.

It sounds to me like she is feeling anxious about her own grade and is worrying because you seem to understand the material and she doesn't. I think she is reacting negatively to you because she is afraid that she won't do well.

I encountered this kind of situation frequently in college and in grad school. NTs usually try to avoid looking a lot smarter than their classmates to avoid making people jealous. Usually, the one that understands the material will say something -- even if it's not true -- to make it appear that the difference in understanding is less than it really is. Before they go on to explain the concept to their friend, they'll say something like "I didn't understand it at first either" (even if it was obvious all along), or "This stuff is really confusing, but I THINK this is how it works" (even if they don't find it all confusing). This "face-saving game" is done so consistently that -- if you didn't make some analogous, face-saving white lie comment -- she may have felt like you were insulting her intelligence. Add that to the fact that she is probably very anxious about her grade and....I think that's why she got upset.

If you're anything like me when I try to help others, I find I can come across as patronising or impatient at times, especially after the 90th attempt at explanation. I think it's probably down to that old AS chestnut of not being able to emphathise very well; I can't figure out how anyone can't get the concept (despite my 'wonderful'(read:clear as mud) explanations) and ergo they must be feigning ignorance to spite me. Over time, I've learnt that this isn't the case, but I still occasionally have to remind myself to either be patient or pass the buck.

Your friend(?) probably senses your impatience/belief that she is acting ignorant and, understandably, is upset by it. Nobody likes to think others think of them as a fool/liar. It can also be quite humiliating to have to ask a classmate for help, which puts one on the defensive.

I think it's probably best if you just didn't attempt to help her out again; let the teacher do her job. They have more training in coaxing students and pretending to be patient. Whilst you mightn't have been the best teacher yourself, you don't deserve insults for trying.

When working in teams are you graded individually or is the team's grade conferred to all teammates?

I'd do the work and as you write down the answers, offer to let her do it to "double check" & otherwise generally ignore her.

Not sure.. I think we're graded individually



Hmm I think you're right, very good advcie actually. I will try to remember this next time something similar happens, as at the moment I can't really say anything else..

I don't know about the asking for help part, though. I remember that last year, she'd always tell me how she didn't understand these topics and how she couldn't do her homework because of that; I'd just listen, but it didn't occur to me that she was actually suggesting that I could help (realized this only a while ago), since when I spontaneously offered to help her, she didn't mind at all, in fact she was actually happy/excited.. Maybe it depends? She also seems to be generally nice to me (leaving out the so-called friendly teasing), but whenever something happens that insulted her, she'd show it through moody behavior. For example, not so long ago, during our english lesson, we discussed one topic. Just a few days before that she'd tell me whiningly how I always talk during lessons (I talk only when teacher's ask, and I stop when they tell me to - I don't interrupt teacher's anymore as I did years before), and how I take all the good topics, and then she has nothing to talk about. So I thought, that maybe it'd be better for me to wait and see, if no one else wants to talk, and then I'd raise my hand as well. Nobody had raised their hand in a few minutes, then she tried to take up the topic, but she was at loss of words, she just said "I think that.. rainforest.. the people.. ummm.." and we waited for 2 minutes, then the teacher asked herself for another student to talk. I took up "her topic"- rainforests. I don't think it's inappropriate to do, since she hadn't expressed any of her thoughts for that matter. I even started with "As (insert her name here) started talking about rainforests, I thought I could point out.." and then after the lesson, I felt very uncomfortable again, since she tried to send me signals through her ignorance of me, and so on. Next day she told me that I'm always taking her thoughts! A similiar situation happened once during our lesson before this one, too.. Anyway.. That's basically the whole thing. That's why there's always tension between us, at least from my point of view

I'll reply to other posts as soon as I can - I read them all and I *truly* appreciate the advice! Thank you guys.[/b]

She's probably experiencing two separate stressors in the situation you describe. First, she's having difficulty with the material. Second, she is, as Lene points out, recognizing that you do not have a great deal of patience with her inability to understand the material. You say that she 'babbles' constantly. This may be her attempt to contribute to the group with topics about which she feels comfortable. Because you don't find what she's saying to be relevant, you ask her to stop, if I am understanding you correctly. I suspect that this is feeling to her as if you are devaluing her capacity to contribute at all, and that is causing her even more distress. She may also appreciate help with understanding the material, but she may simultaneously resent the fact that she requires that extra help when others (such as you) do not.