My director is on to me, and doesn't know it, or does he?

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SharonB
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27 Jul 2019, 8:50 pm

I asked for a long-overdue raise and the big boss didn't take it nicely: rave performance review from my manager, overshadowed by a note that I'm "negative" (by the way, this is bigger than just me, but that's for another post). Before I even considered that I was ASD, my big boss started making observations about me that he said needed improvement "you mimic", "you share a lot" (my way to connect), "you interrupt" (in agreement). Now that I am aware I am likely ASD my big boss' continued comments like "you take a lot of notes" (I doodle), "is there a word for that sound?" (that I made trying to describe my workload) feel like he's mocking me, and specifically the negative traits associated with ASD. I have a trusted co-worker who is witness to some of these and concurs I am being treated poorly. My positive traits are overlooked or used to distract me from a concern. I score fairly low on assertiveness and so far my response has been mostly to continue the conversation as if the big boss hadn't interjected with an odd comment. What would be a better response?

I enjoy humorous unrealistic ideas, but perhaps write "QA" (= questionable advice) to clarify ;) .

(Yes, I am taking steps to find a new job and writing down events.)



SharonB
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31 Jul 2019, 8:14 pm

No response... Is this where I get to monologue?

I can't wait to find a good work environment again. I remember in school I could just as easily get an A or D depending on the class culture the instructor created. I guess that tendency hasn't changed much. I'm hanging on to my A at work but just barely. So smart. So sensitive. My current director is willing to sacrifice the smart to get rid of the sensitive. It meant a lot today that a co-worker friend (NT) said any team would be lucky to have me... now to script my interviews and find a team that agrees...



martianprincess
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31 Jul 2019, 8:45 pm

I'm going through something similar. Here's to hoping we find ourselves good jobs soon we can actually like going to!

One thing to note about assertiveness: boundaries are so, so important. My current job is the first job I realized that I wasn't doing that and I was cognizant of making sure I set them, firmly and early on. I work closely with two people who, if I didn't set boundaries and stand up for myself, would by now have taken advantage of me. I don't want that to keep happening to you. It's okay to say no, it's okay to tell a co-worker you can't help them right now, etc.

As far as the approach to conversations when your boss says something inappropriate to belittle you, I think you're doing the right thing by not acknowledging it and keeping a straight face while continuing the conversation in a professional manner. Afterwards documenting what he said and reporting it to whoever you go to for that in your department is a good move. That's what I've been doing at my job when my co-workers have said/done inappropriate things. I've also made sure to document what I discussed with my department HR/admin person in writing following the meeting we had.

He's definitely way out of line.


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SharonB
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31 Jul 2019, 10:45 pm

martianprincess wrote:
It's okay to say no, it's okay to tell a co-worker you can't help them right now, etc.

He's definitely way out of line.


Thank you for the response.

I'm going to have to write it down boundaries (firm, composed) someplace discreet so I remember to implement them. When I take the EQ test, I score 100% for knowing how to respond and 30% for responding accordingly. Yes, it's hard to set the limits later. Hopefully my practice now will help me set them earlier the next time.

I think I have something similar to "battered wife" syndrome. I have a hard time keeping the other persons' responsibility in mind in the face of their denial and retaliation. The situation is crazy making.

Here's to increased (for me) and continued (for you) assertiveness and reasonable, supportive work environments!



martianprincess
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01 Aug 2019, 12:02 am

SharonB wrote:
martianprincess wrote:
It's okay to say no, it's okay to tell a co-worker you can't help them right now, etc.

He's definitely way out of line.


Thank you for the response.

I'm going to have to write it down boundaries (firm, composed) someplace discreet so I remember to implement them. When I take the EQ test, I score 100% for knowing how to respond and 30% for responding accordingly. Yes, it's hard to set the limits later. Hopefully my practice now will help me set them earlier the next time.

I think I have something similar to "battered wife" syndrome. I have a hard time keeping the other persons' responsibility in mind in the face of their denial and retaliation. The situation is crazy making.

Here's to increased (for me) and continued (for you) assertiveness and reasonable, supportive work environments!


Good idea - that way you'll have a reminder note even if you're not actively thinking about it.

I know what you mean. I used to take blame for everything, even in work situations, because I have messed up a lot and made a lot of mistakes so it's easy to think everything is my fault. But realistically it's not, and I'm quite sure it's the same for you.

You are good at what you do and you know that, which is a great foundation to build on. :)


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hmk66
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06 Sep 2019, 9:26 am

My previous bosses use very subtle tricks to sabotage my work development.

Socially they are quite okay, but they do these things to give me simple tasks (which is correct in the first few months), and to be dishonest and breaking promises with me together with their team managers. I don't know what they are up to behind my back. I do feel the consequences.

My boss gives me simple tasks so she can't see my qualities (a fair amount of tasks I do independently, but I have my thoughts about them, which I don't share with my boss). She and her previous bosses have made a thick wall between other colleagues and me. Tasks can be shared between the colleagues, but not with me, because I lack knowledge. She doesn't want them to share the administrative knowledge with me.

This week she and a colleague told me, that I should know more about the administrative orginisation. I totally agree with her. She told me that I should take steps to realize that. I told her, that I can't do that because I don't fully trust her. If I can't ask questions to her or to other colleagues, this wil fail. I am trying to find out a way to force my boss to keep promises she made with me, and not break them.

I have this new boss for a year, so I have a fresh impression about her, but the current team manager already asked her to break the promise that she made with a previous team manager. I don't trust the management for one bit, and have every reason to leave this s**t behind.



SharonB
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06 Sep 2019, 3:24 pm

hmk66 wrote:
I don't trust the management for one bit.


I'm sorry to hear about that situation. Kudos to you for seeing what's happening (and perhaps protecting yourself?). I hope your new manager "grows up" and stops drinking the Kool Aid (and starts modelling integrity).



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06 Sep 2019, 8:50 pm

If you have the time, money , and energy, you can win a civil lawsuit


You can tattle to human resources


Other than that you can't do jack s**t



hmk66
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09 Sep 2019, 4:02 pm

SharonB,

Today I noticed the following. There is an appointment (a questionable one though) that colleagues go to my boss if there is a copying task.

She comes to me with a task. I read on the paper (Post-It) what I have to do.
Boss: "Is it clear?"
I: "Yes."
She: "Will you notify the colleague by mail when you completed it?"
I: "Yes".

I wonder why she asks that. I think, she thinks, I forget these things. But I don't. If it isn't clear I will ask more questions. And notifying colleagues when a copying task is completed is a standard procedure. Why does the boss think, I forget? Did I ever forget to notify? On about 100 tasks, it's likely that I forget to notify completion of 2 or 3 tasks, but most of the time I just don't forget.

My principal told me last week that my boss should be able to see talents. I think, she can't see, because:
- the tasks are very simple. I do them in a smart way;
- she is too busy. She has her own work too;
- she possibly doesn't care. My previous boss didn't care and is a liar about my made up cognitive disorder.

It happens more often that bosses asks questions, thinking I am not very good. It is poor way of bossing. She never gets complaints that I would not notify complete tasks often enough, so why does she ask?

I know, it's nitpicking, but it is about her questionable thinking pattern. I also question if she is aware of how she thinks.

About more complex tasks: I don't get them, so I can't show I can do them. Therefore I don't get more complex tasks.



SharonB
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09 Sep 2019, 5:36 pm

hmk66 wrote:
...I wonder why she asks that. I think, she thinks, I forget these things. But I don't. If it isn't clear I will ask more questions. And notifying colleagues when a copying task is completed is a standard procedure. Why does the boss think, I forget?...

My principal told me last week that my boss should be able to see talents. I think, she can't see, because:
- the tasks are very simple. I do them in a smart way;
- she is too busy. She has her own work too;
- she possibly doesn't care. My previous boss didn't care and is a liar about my made up cognitive disorder.

...About more complex tasks: I don't get them, so I can't show I can do them. Therefore I don't get more complex tasks.


They can't see or they can and are they putting us down? I read that Aspies can't tell. My NT husband thinks my director is pushing me of the team in part b/c I'm too good (and difficult to work with as a result). My director has given the work that gets visibility and reward to others. I am left with the dregs and told I am underperforming as a result. Weirdness.

hmk66 wrote:
I know, it's nitpicking, but it is about her questionable thinking pattern. I also question if she is aware of how she thinks.

That's what I wonder: does my director know he's doing this? I plan to address it with my boss later this week. What's funny is I am actually a very good nitpicker (louse related).



Roboto
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09 Sep 2019, 6:52 pm

Sorry to read that. The conclusion I came to is that it is impossible for me to have a boss and to have happiness. Bosses want the simple life of a poorly performing NT who is fake as hell and spends their hours kissing ass and being oh so easy to be around while those doing all the work and wanting compensation for it are an annoying thorn in their side...

2 decades in the corporate world, manager in IT, engineering and hospitality in NYC, Vegas and Silicon Valley. It's all the same. One most pave their own path to find fulfillment.



SharonB
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09 Sep 2019, 7:53 pm

Roboto wrote:
Sorry to read that. The conclusion I came to is that it is impossible for me to have a boss and to have happiness. Bosses want the simple life of a poorly performing NT who is fake as hell and spends their hours kissing ass and being oh so easy to be around while those doing all the work and wanting compensation for it are an annoying thorn in their side...

2 decades in the corporate world, manager in IT, engineering and hospitality in NYC, Vegas and Silicon Valley. It's all the same. One most pave their own path to find fulfillment.


I would be afraid to say that myself, but quite concur; although I have a hard time estimating what percentage of my company is like that. It seems like too much for sure.

@Roboto, are you paving your way? I may "sellout" for a few more years, look for a "pocket" of tolerable management (I had some for near a decade; I didn't know how lucky I was).



Roboto
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09 Sep 2019, 10:31 pm

SharonB wrote:
Roboto wrote:
Sorry to read that. The conclusion I came to is that it is impossible for me to have a boss and to have happiness. Bosses want the simple life of a poorly performing NT who is fake as hell and spends their hours kissing ass and being oh so easy to be around while those doing all the work and wanting compensation for it are an annoying thorn in their side...

2 decades in the corporate world, manager in IT, engineering and hospitality in NYC, Vegas and Silicon Valley. It's all the same. One most pave their own path to find fulfillment.


I would be afraid to say that myself, but quite concur; although I have a hard time estimating what percentage of my company is like that. It seems like too much for sure.

@Roboto, are you paving your way? I may "sellout" for a few more years, look for a "pocket" of tolerable management (I had some for near a decade; I didn't know how lucky I was).


I'm working my tail off to pave the path and I'm sure I'll make it work.



SharonB
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11 Sep 2019, 7:50 am

Roboto wrote:
I'm working my tail off to pave the path and I'm sure I'll make it work.

[imagine here: seal of approval and emoticon for encouragement] Go, you! :)



Roboto
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12 Sep 2019, 11:20 am

SharonB wrote:
Roboto wrote:
I'm working my tail off to pave the path and I'm sure I'll make it work.

[imagine here: seal of approval and emoticon for encouragement] Go, you! :)

Thanks!