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SpaceMartian
Emu Egg
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Joined: 5 Jan 2022
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Posts: 7
Location: Internet

14 Jan 2022, 10:31 am

Hi everyone, thanks for reading first of all.
I could use some aspie feedback as I've been a bit stuck for a while now and I really don't like it at all.

I should give you some context about... well everything, maybe the best way is starting from the beginning. A few years ago (2017 I think) I went to university as "it was the way to go".

Got into Computer Science Engineering, as I love computers (and I still do). I hated high school and the last years I didn't perform exactly great but got through it. Classes at university were... unbearable. I just couldn't deal with them at all. Boring as hell, professors stuck at reading from some slides while being closed in a boring class with dirty air filters for the AC which gave me a horrible allergy. Paying attention draw all the energy I got, to the point I would feel lightheaded, most of the classes I either didn't pay any attention. To make matters worse, I remember how bad al the teaching material was, for instance, introduction to programming, which lasted the whole 1st year, costed around 800 euros was confusing as hell, but ALL the material teached could be found in a YouTube playlist of 21 videos of 8 minutes or so each. It was literally the introduction to Java and yet they wouldn't tell you what an if statement was up until 3 months in because you know classes and inheritance were more appropriate to be teached first. Thank god I had a programming base beforehand, doing the exercises was easy but understanding the theory... WTF??

Anyway, I got into the Formula Student Team which is run by students and alumni and no the university itself. I ended up being a programmer there, some electronics and learning A LOT. For those who don't know, we would design and build a race car during the year to go compete against other universities at summer. And the cars we made... they were serious, full Carbon Fiber monocoque (build in house of course), all electronics except for the ECU were designed by us, we even had real time telemetry on over 70 sensors. Just Google Formula Student and you'll what I mean (my team is Top 10 in combustion). We would work after class, on weekends, during nights... sleeping 4 hours was the norm, holidays would be spent either at the track or at the base manufacturing or designing stuff. Was great but hard. I stayed there for almost 3 years when an idiot got charge of the team and I was put in a bad place, so I left. It's fair to say the team was the only thing that kept me on the uni, as soon as I left, I left the university altogether as I just didn't believe I was receiving any quality education for my money, time and effort. I had a bad episode at high school were despite going to math contest and performing very well I still failed math at class and the stress of dealing with those classes... I got nervous just of thinking of an equation and I was afraid I would happen again with computing given how I just didn't adapted at all.

Almost 3 years nonstop took their toll and I admittedly got through a 9 month or so depression, but I didn't regret leaving as I still to this day believe it was the correct move for my mental health. I had no trouble acknowledging I was in trouble so I seeked professional help. I've been going to psychology via public health since I was a child till age 18 or so, but they never really helped me at all. After a good 7 months or so I finally got an appointment, the doctor that attended me however... well she suggested antidepressants, which I immediately declined to take. I may be a wreck, but I can learn and fix it by myself, I'll ask for antidepressants when the only exit I see is jumping out the window, thanks. Glad I never took them, fiuuuuuuu! I tried getting into an autism society but I hadn't got a formal diagnosis yet. Thankfully someone recommended me this doctor who is autistic herself and only works on autistics. I was unsure on spending time and money there but BEST DECISION EVER! She did help me a LOT. Although I was already improving when I got to see her because I was depressed for quite a long time, she gave the bump I needed.

With university out of the picture, a friend of mine (who is in his 50s) proposed me to take 50% on his ISP company. You know those companies that will provide you with internet via wireless antenas and such. I accepted that and still today I'm the network administrator. I fixed a bunch of computers here and there, bought a classic car that I'm restoring with the help of a friend and few month ago I became a pilot (I live near an aerodrome) and got a little Quicksilver for cheap in a society with another 3 pilots.

Don't get me wrong, all that is GREAT, I'm extraordinary lucky and thankful for what I got (even if I worked for it) but I need to look forward and at the moment... I'm not comfortable, not one bit. The internet company is not giving huge amount of benefits or benefits at all at a times because of pandemic, increased taxes, etc but also because of... us. I admittedly could do a bit more, I could improve my Mikrotik skills and improve the network, or do a proper website for the company. But further than that, the internet doesn't really take all my day, must issues are handled automatically it just requires a couple hours of my time per week. Yes, per week, not per day. I could do... lots yet I'm doing... nothing. Some projects I have are taking waaay to long to be completed. I tried making tasklist, obligating myself to do X or Y in a certain amount of time... nothing. I went back to psychology after a year to discuss this.

Now a lot of people tell me I'm really smart. I don't think I am. My psychologist made me a few test to figure out if I may have a bit of ADHD and straight told me to do a proper IQ test which... I've never done. She believes that if not gifted at very least I got a talent for logic problems. I still think I'm just average, except I do try to learn more everyday. I think it's clear at this point I like cars, and computers and I would love to get back to the racing scene, we may even call that my goal at the moment. Still, I have no college degree, and I'd like a proper source of income, but I wouldn't want to get into a IT manager job thing were I would potentially accommodate while not being challenged at all, that would MURDER me. In the last 6 month, I learnt to fly a real plane, I calibrated an automatic bottle labelling machine a local factory bought from china and could not make it work, I fix a handful of 3D printers while 2 months back I had no real experience with them (and by fix I mean, install Marlin, create a configuration profile for various slicers, etc etc). I made a NAS with an old PC, for storing my crap, I daily use Linux and perform most operations in the terminal, y get 75 WPM with 96% accuracy typing on Dvorak and know a lot about keyboards. I even restored a Monterey with SKCM White Alps last year. I'm still unable to figure out what I'm actually useful for, the only thing I have clear is that I'm young, I have some ability to do stuff that I'd like to exploit, and I'm not giving up yet I have no idea where to go next, if I should ask for a job somewhere and then how I would sell myself as I'm an expert in... nothing.

After the test my psychologist ran on me, she believes I may have a bit of ADHD but that I've been able to mask it all this years by "smarts" or actually finding solutions in a split seconds that would work. Truth is even back when I was in the Formula Student Team I never performed as I think I should, not even to half of what I could, or at least that's the impression I got. I've been derived to a psychiatrist experienced on autism and ADHD to further see if I really have that. I should say from time to time my bedroom does look like a mess, keeping stuff were they should be is a challenge and I lost count of how many times I lost my keys this week alone. And don't get me started on how many times I lost my glasses. The other day I had to put clean water and food to my bird pets. Easy right? Well midnight came, I still hadn't done so. I literally procrastinate by tearing apart half dashboard of my sister's car, fix the broken AC vent that has been bothering me for ages, put everything back together, change a blown bulb and other minor adjustments. After that, I took care of the birds. I'm such a mess... Also, I do suffer from maladaptive daydream recurrently, ever since I was a child. It's a "great" scape when one is stressed out... or it might just be a pain in the a**.

Well I think you get the idea... I should mention as well:
- No, I don't take coffee, actually I've never tasted it
- No, I've never even tasted alcohol, nor other drugs nor tobacco
- No, I don't have any social media other than some forums for technical info (like the one for finding schematics and such for the car) and now Wrong Planet.
- No, I don't waste any time reading, watching movies, series nor anything (although there are exceptions but very very few)
- I don't really game either. It's been more than a month since last time I spent 10 minutes on a video games a way of killing time. Not really interested there.

And since for some reason this is so important into many people's life and I get asked from time to time, no, I don't have a girlfriend, never had one, no I don't want one, I don't even know where you are supposed to buy one of those. Yes I'm fine alone. Yes I'm virgin and fine with it, looking forward to keep it that way. Probably this has nothing to do with the main topic but since I get questioned EVERY time, well, there you go.

Thanks for reading till the end! You may even get yourself a cookie or something as a reward as that was a long-ish read for a thread like this.



DoniiMann
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

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Joined: 2 Sep 2010
Age: 54
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Posts: 375
Location: Tasmania

15 Jan 2022, 4:14 pm

Seems to me that you've shown you have the ability to take on interests outside of computers. For example, your pilots license. And getting a degree or diploma seems to be an itch that you want to scratch.

Maybe get back into study, but consider expanding your course options. You're always fixing stuff, so maybe a practical subject. Electronics? Mechanical engineering? Then open up a fix-it shed. Become the local tinker. Or devote time to reviving lost historical skills.

There's degree + purpose + learning all rolled into one. And it's a lot to focus on, so put dealing with your procrastination until later.


_________________
assumption makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'mption'.


arianekh
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 9 Jan 2022
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 14
Location: London

18 Jan 2022, 4:54 am

SpaceMartian wrote:
Hi everyone, thanks for reading first of all.
I could use some aspie feedback as I've been a bit stuck for a while now and I really don't like it at all.


You sound like you were stuck, but the fact that you've realized this and are starting to think about the future means you've already taken the first step. That was the hard part. Now comes the bit where you decide what you want to do next and how you are going to get there.

I've been stuck many times in my life, I was also technical (many decades ago), more software than engineering, so python, java etc.

So I would suggest the following:

STEP 1: Assess where you are. It's great that you've found a psychologist who actually helps, but ultimately the only person who can truly understand you is you. There is some cross over between HFA and ADHD, in that both conditions cause people to dip in and out of interests, have short attention spans and have difficulty concentrating. But they are subtely different.

ADHD comes with "no RAM", short term memory problems, like if you are doing a long sum but can't remember the first number. ADHD comes with difficulty following a conversation, people with ADHD will seemingly say something random that has nothing to do with what everyone else is talking about. ADHD often also comes with high energy.

ASD however, comes with intense interests that last for some time, but then can fade. Yes difficultly concentrating, but unlike ADHD, it's more procrasticantion and "ramp up". When ASD are in the zone, they like to stay there without interruption, but before that it's easy to jump around. ASD have difficulty concentrating in class situations due to sensitivity to light, sound, smell and people.

https://psychology-tools.com/ - So do some research and figure out what percentage of everything you are, ASD, ADHD, bipolar, narcissist, machiavellian, hyperlexia, dyspraxia, they are all labels but sometimes help with introspection.

STEP 2: Assess where you want to go. You might like to look into forumula 1 jobs. Maybe a graduate for volkswagon? A sys admin for boeing? You now have skills, you can then look for those skills and look for jobs that use them. Preferably working from home, or strongly technical, engineering slant.

STEP 3: Assess how to get there. First STAY WHERE YOU ARE! Get qualified WHILST you have a job and take your time about it, take time to adjust, not just get the qualifications but to get your head into the new world. It took me 8 years of getting used to the idea before I applied for a role as a cloud solutions architect.

And also, sorry to say, but you're gonna need some qualifications. All jobs do. It's amazing you got as far as you did, but mostly a degree is the minimum qualification for say a graduate job at mercedes. Look into the open university, something you can study quietly, on your own, even if it takes 10 years. But either a degree or something like a cisco certification will give you the foundation to complement your experience.

So take your time, think it through A LOT, and then when you decide, commit to the the path.


_________________
Officially diagnosed - Asperger syndrome, ASD, HFA
AQ 45 out of 50
EQ 2 out of 80
https://psychology-tools.com/


SpaceMartian
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 5 Jan 2022
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Posts: 7
Location: Internet

19 Jan 2022, 9:44 pm

Hi, thanks for the feedback so far. Let's see...

Quote:
getting a degree or diploma seems to be an itch that you want to scratch

I don't know about that one, I do have some "aversion" of sorts to those who brag about having graduate and thus making everyone know they are skilled and prepared... when they are most certainly not ready for anything but failing an exam. Maybe is because of the really really bad experience of mine but I don't trust education, I do understand that I may need it, but I would prefer to skip it even if the alternate route is harder. Call it what you want, hate, aversion, whatever, but if I'm presented with an alternative, f*** that itch.

Quote:
You're always fixing stuff, so maybe a practical subject. Electronics? Mechanical engineering? Then open up a fix-it shed.

As for the rest... I already have a fix-it shed of sorts, as I do some extra money fixing phones, computers and such, I won't say I hate it but I hate it. It's not the fixing stuff process, that's fine with me. Is dealing with customers what gets me, and doing the same time after time after time. And then, because of the competence, not only on other services, but on new devices being so cheap, you do work with such low margins a mistake actually costs you money. Not something I plan to keep on doing, granted I'll fix my car, my phone and whatnot, but I won't be fixing anybody's crap in the future, I'm there and I don't like it. My business partner on the other hand loves doing this, most of the time, he deals with people and such, I just fix what he can't (which is usually more advanced stuff so I no longer spend half week installing 5 Windows laptops one every other day).

Quote:
There's degree + purpose + learning all rolled into one.

I do like the idea of combining having an actual role + getting a degree in one, maybe that's the way of getting a degree for me, as doing any work just for (what for me is a) meaningless piece of paper is not gonna cut it at all. But maybe working on something that has the degree glued to it may do it. Of course that would mean no class or minimal, just project / work in the real world without some stupid limitation or environment like it always happens at universities.


Quote:
You sound like you were stuck, but the fact that you've realized this and are starting to think about the future means you've already taken the first step.

Well yes... I have had this sensation for over a year but on my own I'm not been really able to figure it out, that's why I went back to therapy... funny thing is I had ruled out ADHD (you know ASD and ADHD overlap, we just blamed any ADHD symptom to ASD) so getting an opinion from someone I trust about the ADHD possibility was... quite an eye opener.

Quote:
Assess where you want to go

Not gonna lie... decision making is not my specialty, deciding what to dinner is difficult, deciding which motherboard I wanted for my PC took over a month and deciding over my life may just take the whole life. I've been wanting to do this, then that, then this for god knows how long. Is true however that the decision relies solely on me and that's something I should figure out sooner rather than later. Wore thing is I keep treating this issue as if any decision I made had no way back, when in fact I should jump to the pool, try one thing when it doesn't work, with more experience make a better, still likely flawled change in my life. I could write for ever and ever about why working from home is fine but going somewhere is better without actually being so. Anyway, that's on me.

Quote:
And also, sorry to say, but you're gonna need some qualifications. All jobs do. It's amazing you got as far as you did, but mostly a degree is the minimum qualification for say a graduate job at mercedes. Look into the open university, something you can study quietly, on your own, even if it takes 10 years. But either a degree or something like a cisco certification will give you the foundation to complement your experience.

Most certainly I will take a Mikrotik cert this year if the wallet allows (here in Europe Cisco is not very used outside the multinationals, plus Mikrotik is still networking, with some sparse proprietary protocols and such but networking nonetheless).
Yes, I do understand I need a qualification, but that won't shy me away of doing an experiment or two along the way to see if I can get around it. I should not stop studying because of those experiments, I know that, but I can do both. I have some ideas on my head, now I just need to do in less than a year something that with dedication would take a couple of weeks or less. Last time the psychologist suggested a new strategy for organising work, this seems ideal to test it out. Back to studies, I should check what options are out there, something online would be ideal, I really don't want to waste my time looking at some random useless presumptuous teacher anymore in my life.

Quote:
It took me 8 years of getting used to the idea before I applied for a role as a cloud solutions architect.

8 years!? Wow! For some reason it really surprised me, yet here I am nearly 24 and 6 years after high school completely lost. I guess I never think about the timing I may need.

Quote:
when you decide, commit

This right there is what I think will be the worst part... committing. It sounds scary for some reason, it should not, but my squirrel brain thinks it means the END of life as I know it, without any of the things I like and with all of the ones I hate. Completely irrational, I really don't know where this one comes from but there it is, commit is a scary word and will end with humanity or something.

You guys are giving me some stuff to ruminate about, I'll let you know what conclusions I get and how I proceed. I really needed some feedback so thanks once more!



arianekh
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 9 Jan 2022
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 14
Location: London

21 Jan 2022, 4:06 am

Quote:
decision making is not my specialty, deciding what to dinner is difficult, deciding which motherboard I wanted for my PC took over a month and deciding over my life may just take the whole life. I've been wanting to do this, then that, then this for god knows how long. Is true however that the decision relies solely on me and that's something I should figure out sooner rather than later. Wore thing is I keep treating this issue as if any decision I made had no way back, when in fact I should jump to the pool, try one thing when it doesn't work, with more experience make a better, still likely flawled change in my life. I could write for ever and ever about why working from home is fine but going somewhere is better without actually being so. Anyway, that's on me.


And that's okay, in fact that's all good :D I took 5 months to decide on a laptop, in the end I went with a lenovo yoga which is perfect, I'm in software so can work from anywhere. I don't. I have a pretty rigid routine and work from exactly the same places at exactly the same time, but theoretically I could work from anywhere! Personally, the reason I take so long is that I need all the data, I need to have looked at all the options, tracked changes, imagined scenarios and then when I eventually decide I'm unlikely to every change. So I now accept that is how I work and ensure I factor into time scales!

That being said tho, I do jump around a lot. I'll try something like android development but it didn't work out for me, but I didn't jump into that pool and am glad about it! But jumping around, like having an interest for 2 years before moving onto something else just builds up experience so that is a good thing.


Quote:
Back to studies, I should check what options are out there, something online would be ideal, I really don't want to waste my time looking at some random useless presumptuous teacher anymore in my life.


Couldn't agree more, now that I'm in cloud I'm doing online azure certifications (well, that's an exaggeration! I'm thinking about doing online cloud certifications!)


Quote:
8 years!? Wow! For some reason it really surprised me, yet here I am nearly 24 and 6 years after high school completely lost. I guess I never think about the timing I may need.


Yep! That's my normal timeframe for big decisions! No exaggeration. And even after that, when I eventually started applying for jobs and then finally after many many attempts got offered one, I felt it was happening rather quickly! I'm over a year in now and happy I made the right decision. So hey that still gives you 2 years, so kick back :)


Quote:
This right there is what I think will be the worst part... committing. It sounds scary for some reason, it should not, but my squirrel brain thinks it means the END of life as I know it, without any of the things I like and with all of the ones I hate. Completely irrational, I really don't know where this one comes from but there it is, commit is a scary word and will end with humanity or something.


It is, you're correct. Like I said, 8 years of thinking, being interested, researching, reading and finally acting, it terrified me when I finally did it. And it was an end of sorts, my routines, way of working all got disrupted. I had to mask and "make friends" to make a good first impression and act enthusiastic in a new environment, it took 6 months of turmoil before it settled back down. But it's not the first time I've made such a change, so I knew it would settle down and it did. Now 18 months in to the latest disruption, I've settled into a nice new routine and am much better off than I was, and you will be too xx


_________________
Officially diagnosed - Asperger syndrome, ASD, HFA
AQ 45 out of 50
EQ 2 out of 80
https://psychology-tools.com/