I'm a filmmaker by trade, but to support myself I freelance, and I do a lot of work for a particular production company. Lately my job has been to organize a massive amount of footage, using a new cataloging system. So far I've cataloged more than 4 tbs of footage, and produced about 500 pages of transcriptions in about six weeks time.
Now I' have a long history with this company. I once worked for them as a full timer, then got laid off. Now they use me as a freelancer off and on, though I'm hoping this cataloging work could be an entry back in to parttime or full even.
Yet I also feel at times like I'm treated differently, more harshly than my coworkers who are fulltimers.
Just today my producer got angry at me because I hadn't set up some user defined fields he wanted. My reasoning was I was trying to figure out the most efficient way to do it, and to up date all the catalogs. And I simply hadn't had time because every five minutes, someone needs something from me, since I also do a ton of their research. "Hey Brian I need a photo," can you digs up some videos, etc, etc.
When he learned I hadn't set up the user fields yet, he lectured me, and said it was going to waste time, and just really talked down to me like a child or something. And it's not the first time this has happened. Every time I make a mistake, no matter how small, it is treated as though I'm about to sink the company and cost them thousands.
Yet my coworkers have had bigger fuckups and he's so nonchalant. Another coworker was supposed to have a demo put together, and when the producer asked if it was done, he said he hadn't started it. THe producer was rather cool about it, saying it was alright, he'd call the client, and told him to let him know when he could get the demo finished.
Another coworker nearly sabotaged a huge trip to Canada for filming because she kept putting off getting all the paperwork and equipment manifests to customs. Consequences? None.
This all seems to me to be the story of my life. I always seem to be the one apologizing, the one at fault, and I feel like a punching bag. Do I actually exude a "Kick me please" air? I try to look directly in the eyes, stand up straight, but it's hard because it's not who I am, and when I am who I am, do I just invite people to berate and belittle me?
Am I just a tool, a machine part (when I was laid off, the producer called me an "extravagance" they couldn't afford. Gee, thanks). I fear this will be my whole life, since try as I might, I'm simply not a likeable person people would want to have around, except when I am momentarily useful. I feel they only tolerate me becuase I provide a service, and when that service is gone, I am gone like a part. Another guy who helps on shoots is a f*****g idiot, partying and getting DUIs, and they love him to death. He's rather a dipshit, and I'm a better worker, yet he is far more charismatic.
Am I hopeless? Will I always be a punching bag?
God, I can't wait til I make my hit film, so I won't have to work for anyone ever, ever again, and I can be the boss, and people will take s**t from me!! !!
11 May 2011, 8:49 pm
I'll also never understand why that is.
