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Sea Gull
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21 Apr 2014, 4:46 pm

I don't get facial expressions, gestures, body language.

At work today I had the distinct feeling that other people were giving me a 'cold shoulder' at work. Even that doesn't say it I don't even really know what the term 'cold shoulder' really means? I did nothing different. Today was like any other day, other than I 'felt' a bad jibe from people around me. I can't even put this into words. The feeling becomes paranoia; are people out to get me? what are they saying about me behind my back? I avoid office politics like I would avoid the plague.

It comes down to how do how do I get over this? How do I mend a fence that I can't even perceive? What specifically can I do to prevent people from hurting me in this way? How can I avoid hurting others, what have I done to deserve this?

Any suggestions will be helpful.

Thank you,


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kraftiekortie
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21 Apr 2014, 5:58 pm

If I were in your situation, I would just continue doing my work and respond when spoken to in a matter-of-fact, professional, perhaps even a little pleasant, manner. It might not be what you're feeling at the time--but, then again. NT's do the same thing: they play a role. You have to play the role of someone who could be relied upon, and who won't "fly off the handle."

I understand these sorts of "feelings"; I get them at times as well--and I get a little paranoid.

I would avoid the temptation to believe all of these "feelings" without some sort of tangible evidence for them.



daydrinker
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21 Apr 2014, 6:44 pm

How long have you worked there?

I have worked in various places in college. I worked one job for 3 years, another for 3 years and another for 2 years before leaving for a post-graduate program. I experienced those same feelings at all of those places, and it wasn't just me being paranoid. A NT can quickly pick up there is "something odd" about you. The first reaction is to distance themselves from you while they figure it out. During this time it felt a little hostile like "them vs. me". It sucks, no doubt, but you really just have to ignore it the best you can and make it "you vs. your work".

Over time, they got over it and I got along with everyone at all of my jobs and fit in. This "cold-shoulder" thing occurred at all of my jobs and I never immediately fit in as you might have seen some of your new co-workers do. Stay strong and just ride out the storm. its going to be like that everywhere you go when you have to work with others. There is light at the end of the tunnel.



kraftiekortie
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21 Apr 2014, 6:53 pm

I second what DayDrinker says.



MjrMajorMajor
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21 Apr 2014, 7:52 pm

Being polite and waiting it out has worked for me in past situations. Maintaining a distance may help, but that might come naturally to you anyway.

Doing your job reliably and with minimal drama will usually outweigh negative gossip.



MissDorkness
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22 Apr 2014, 12:35 pm

MjrMajorMajor wrote:
Being polite and waiting it out has worked for me in past situations. Maintaining a distance may help, but that might come naturally to you anyway.

Doing your job reliably and with minimal drama will usually outweigh negative gossip.


I am inclined to agree and with the others above.

Being quiet or speaking precisely and without the usual giggly fluctuations of girls my age or the intense way I'd make eye contact (when I was forcing myself to make eye contact and not real great at judging it)... people would think I was arrogant or just weird. ~shrugs~

Eventually, when people got used to me, most would loosen up, some never did, but, as long as the majority did, I was cool. (I see that as their problem, if they think I think I'm better than them, even when I don't, and choose to take personal offense, that says a lot more about them than it does me, imho.)

I think I got a long way by being seen in a big meeting talking back to someone other people were intimidated by. :roll: :lol: It's sort of funny in retrospect. I am pragmatic and will reply whatever comes to mind, only realizing later that others might find my brusque tone or blatant observation as rudeness. How being rude scored me cool points, I don't know, but, being seen as 'brave' was 'cool' to them. ~shrugs~



namaste
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22 Apr 2014, 1:33 pm

the other day i was observing children play in my colony grounds
i noticed that one of the quiet shy kid came and sat near the other kids playing
the other kids initially ignored him
then they begin hitting him on the head
and laughing and running off

the shy kid was shaken and he went back home

this is just the scenario i experience at all my workplaces

the last job i worked for 3 years. i was given cold shoulder by everyone at work
i was ignored
and after 3 years one fine day my project head yelled at me left and right
she accused me of poor teaching

so i guess shy and quiet people arent accepted anywhere.
this world is not meant for them
including me :cry:


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kraftiekortie
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22 Apr 2014, 5:51 pm

Namaste:

Adults aren't kids. I know you've been a tough patch at your last job--but don't give up!

I was treated pretty badly as a kid, too--but I decided not to let those nasty kids have a victory over me.

Have you been able to make much crafts for your business?



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Sea Gull
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22 Apr 2014, 6:34 pm

Thanks for the replies, this has helped.

Quote:
I'd make eye contact (when I was forcing myself to make eye contact and not real great at judging it)... people would think I was arrogant or just weird. ~shrugs~


I didn't know until just a few years ago that people EXPECT eye contact. I was always looking at people's mouths when they talked. Since I discovered eye contact was expected, I now force myself to look people in the eye. It was very difficult at first. For the first year or two I could only look people in one eye. Recently I've been able to meet both eyes during discussions. I still find it unnerving; I don't connect with the people by looking in their eyes, I see their eyeballs. (I find it really gross, but this is the expected behavior?!)

I think you're on to a point, they likely can sense that we're not connecting even when I force the eye to eye contact.

I've worked with this same group of people for almost 4 years, I would have hoped they would be used to me by now? (I got used to them)

At a Christmas party last year, my wife was standing in the drink line at the bar, and she overheard the two men in front of her talking about me. They said 'look at him, even after a few drinks, he still looks miserable", the other guy then replied, 'Yeah, what's he even doing here'. I wonder if they would say that to someone who is blind 'Gee, he's had a few drinks and he's still blind'.

I don't want the job to go sour, I've had the job nearly 4 years and I have no other real options. Any other hints anyone can share? Any NT's out there who can give their input?


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kraftiekortie
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22 Apr 2014, 6:38 pm

I would try to find common interests with my co-workers. That does help.

Also: do some phony stuff: compliment a lady on how she looks today; most would not get offended. Women like to be complimented. For men: talk about a baseball game. Sports is the great gap-closer. It also bridges the racial divide at work as well.



MissDorkness
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22 Apr 2014, 10:12 pm

Repent wrote:
Thanks for the replies, this has helped.

Quote:
I'd make eye contact (when I was forcing myself to make eye contact and not real great at judging it)... people would think I was arrogant or just weird. ~shrugs~


I think you're on to a point, they likely can sense that we're not connecting even when I force the eye to eye contact.

I've worked with this same group of people for almost 4 years, I would have hoped they would be used to me by now? (I got used to them)

At a Christmas party last year, my wife was standing in the drink line at the bar, and she overheard the two men in front of her talking about me. They said 'look at him, even after a few drinks, he still looks miserable", the other guy then replied, 'Yeah, what's he even doing here'. I wonder if they would say that to someone who is blind 'Gee, he's had a few drinks and he's still blind'.

I don't want the job to go sour, I've had the job nearly 4 years and I have no other real options. Any other hints anyone can share? Any NT's out there who can give their input?


It's so great to see it's not just me who thinks these things about eye contact, lol, I love this forum.

Hmm... Not so great on the comments from the long-time coworkers. They sound like slow learners. ;-p



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22 Apr 2014, 10:14 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I would try to find common interests with my co-workers. That does help.

Also: do some phony stuff: compliment a lady on how she looks today; most would not get offended. Women like to be complimented. For men: talk about a baseball game. Sports is the great gap-closer. It also bridges the racial divide at work as well.
:lol:
That can be a trap, so be careful... I pretend to be interested in shopping at times, but, then you get stuck in the most inane conversations on topics you don't really care about then your disinterest can show. So hard to balance it sometimes.



kraftiekortie
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23 Apr 2014, 7:48 am

LOL...I hope you don't think I'm some NT in disguise trying to "trap" the OP?

Seriously, there are ways to get out of inane conversations. Just say "I've got to get back to work," especially if they don't see what's going on in your cubicle.



MissDorkness
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23 Apr 2014, 8:38 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
LOL...I hope you don't think I'm some NT in disguise trying to "trap" the OP?

Seriously, there are ways to get out of inane conversations. Just say "I've got to get back to work," especially if they don't see what's going on in your cubicle.

:lol: Good advice. My coworkers were just standing around talking about clothes and stuff and I claimed urgent work and came in here. ;)



namaste
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23 Apr 2014, 10:02 am

MissDorkness wrote:
:lol: Good advice. My coworkers were just standing around talking about clothes and stuff and I claimed urgent work and came in here. ;)

i would have joined in the conversation......walking away shows attitude problem
as if one considers oneself way above others
talking about clothes, makeup, gossip helps women keep abreast with changing trends
a little bit of gossip doesnt harm anyone
i enjoy small talk


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MissDorkness
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23 Apr 2014, 12:57 pm

namaste wrote:
MissDorkness wrote:
:lol: Good advice. My coworkers were just standing around talking about clothes and stuff and I claimed urgent work and came in here. ;)

i would have joined in the conversation......walking away shows attitude problem
as if one considers oneself way above others
talking about clothes, makeup, gossip helps women keep abreast with changing trends
a little bit of gossip doesnt harm anyone
i enjoy small talk

I would do more harm by sticking around longer. I care nothing for clothes and makeup and I hate shopping almost as much as I hate gossip. None of it means anything to me. Same as if I started talking about whatever fantasy novels I've been reading or RPG's I've been playing, they wouldn't have anything to add or any interest in learning more (just generalizing obviously).
Common ground topics, I join in as much as I can (like cooking, a few of us really enjoy it and share recipes and techniques, but a few don't like to cook at all).

I genuinly envy your enjoyment of smalltalk. I know it would advance me some in people's eyes if I had a higher capacity for it.