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browneyedgirlslowingdown
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Joined: 2 May 2021
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 242

26 Oct 2021, 7:36 am

Morning,

So I just got dressed for work. I usually make my curly hair straight, but today I decided to leave that alone. Anyways I am also wearing my favorite pattern on top but the rest of everything is to blend in and meet the unspoken expectation of how I am supposed to dress. I also put makeup on, I usually put on mascara, but I mean all the rest including foundation.

Part of my masking includes a costume (described above), fake personality, constant agreeableness, and acting interested. After the last just about two months of this, I am dead inside. I have been upset by multiple unethical actions toward people from employees to the people we serve, and this has gotten under my skin on top of everything else. I was too anxious yesterday to go to work and went to the doctor, they said I had a virus as I have not been feeling well and told me I was covid and flu negative. They even wrote me a doctor's note for the rest of the week off. Yet here I stand, and I am going to work because 1) I need the money 2) I feel like I have to meet expectations, 3) everyone else does it every day<------ self-shame? Guilt-tripping self?.

So I am on the verge of tears, shoving myself deep down, wanting to run away (job opportunity in another country), and feeling dissociated. I was abused as a little girl and I have to say the way I respond to workplaces like this is the same, to shut down, disconnect, and dissociate from myself.

I wish I didn't have to go, I wish I could just be a bagger at the grocery store, a janitor, anything else. I just needed a place to vent. My new therapist, I saw her yesterday told me that the things I have described to her that have happened in the last few years at work have actually been traumatic for me. Can anyone relate to this? If not don't bash me just keep scrolling, please.

Have a good day everyone.


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


magz
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26 Oct 2021, 7:43 am

I just wanted you to know I've read... I've been masking and dissociating to have things done and it led me to a total collapse a few years ago. I had to rebuild my life with different set of priorities - I was lucky I could, I narrowly escaped being dumped into psychiatric mistreatment for life.

You need your work only because you need money. If your work is killing you, it's not worth it.
What's wrong with curly hair and no makeup? They don't harm anyone!


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Let's not confuse being normal with being mentally healthy.

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kraftiekortie
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Location: Queens, NYC

26 Oct 2021, 7:49 am

The unfortunate thing is that every person "masks" to a certain degree.

I'm sorry you're going through this. What sort of job opportunity "in another country"?

The fact is: you make a crap salary bagging groceries or being a janitor. I wouldn't advocate doing either, unless you have a lot of savings.

I can't bs my way out of a paper bag. My solution is to be the "court jester." Nowadays, I been at my job so long that people just sort of ignore me, and I get to do my work.

I'm fortunate I don't have to deal with the public too much.



WeirdMetronome
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Joined: 7 Oct 2021
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26 Oct 2021, 7:55 am

Yeah I can relate a lot. Even though I don't put as much effort into masking as you do, I've stilled struggled a lot in most places I've worked. My main problem being that when there are things that are upsetting me at work or things I'm struggling with I can't speak up until the last minute when it is too late and I'm having a meltdown. :oops:

I wouldn't feel guilty - if you need the time off, you need the time off. Your health has priority over your work. I did the same thing towards the end of last week when I had a meltdown at work, but then my company is a lot more understanding than most so I guess it depends on where you work and how much support you get.

My manager just told me to take the time off an come back when I'm ready, but I know most people are not that lucky. I was only off Thursday/Friday last week and it was enough to help me rest and now I'm working on something that is a better fit for me. But I actually had to speak up about my problems and what I was struggling with to make progress... and I know this is pretty much impossible for many of us at times.

It really helps if you have someone you can talk to at your place of work. Is there anyone at work you can confide in and maybe get support from?



Sweetleaf
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26 Oct 2021, 9:35 am

Not sure what your job is but, why can't you be a bagger at a grocery store, janitor or anything else? Nothing wrong with looking into a different job. I had a job dish-washing at what ended up being a pretty crappy work-place I definitely got like taken advantage of, I wasn't even getting any breaks.

Also, not having a set schedule was extremely stressful...I could never make plans for a weekend or anything since I never knew if I'd have work or not. But I stopped working there and try to stay away from restaurants, I get the impression the one I worked at wasn't the only one with a toxic environment and that it is rather common.


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kraftiekortie
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26 Oct 2021, 10:19 am

I never said it was a crappy job. I said the pay is crappy.



browneyedgirlslowingdown
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Joined: 2 May 2021
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 242

27 Oct 2021, 9:16 am

Magz: I am doing that ...trying to build a life for me that works for me. You are right about the money. The thing about hair and makeup, it's not acceptable at my work.

kraftiekortie: Same work I do now, with less BS involved, higher pay that includes housing assistance, and it's Japan. I want to take it, but I can't, don't want to uproot kids.

WeirdMetronome: You're right. I need the time off, but I feel so useless, weak, and worthless for needing it. I feel guilty and ashamed and make myself even sicker because I can't stop feeling obligated and responsible.

Sweetleaf: I can't afford to be any of those things. I am a parent, a single person, with no family. I need at least enough money for myself and two other people, I also have to pay for things like life insurance, school, so on and so forth. I realize this is my fault, but if shared here about my childhood you would understand that my parenting started as a child and before I knew what I was. I feel like being undiagnosed, being unprotected, and seeking help even as a little girl with no response kinda f****d me up. I am just trying to correct things now, but it is incredibly painful and slow.

Thanks, everyone for your replies. I am home today, I went to work yesterday and threw up. Secretary kept calling me darling and sent me home. I went to my second job last night though and will go today. I can't really afford to not work.


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52