Are Other People Upset By You As A Topic?

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rattles
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30 Aug 2020, 8:52 pm

My parents just asked me to join a family discussion that was supposed to be about our plans for the fall. It lasted far too long (over an hour and a half) and devolved into an argument between my mom and dad over how to help me and whether or not the way each of them spoke was helpful to me or not. They became very upset and critical of each other. Eventually they weren't even listening to me when I tried to interject. My dad said my mom was "exhausting" him with the way she was speaking, and she began crying and went out to take a walk.

I feel very uncomfortable now. It seems like my presence is unpleasant to them.



greenmm37
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30 Aug 2020, 9:03 pm

I'm sorry you were put in this situation - most of the elements of your story are *very* familiar to me (in regards to my relationship with my parents and how they talk to one another). I can't tell you what to think, but my takeaway from this story is not so much that your parents find you unpleasant, but that they aren't willing to communicate with you (not your fault and doesn't reflect on you as a person) - and, they apparently have a lot of difficulty communicating with each other. It's unfortunate that you were at the center of the conversation, but them being unwilling to let you interject for your own sake is their problem, not yours.

I do know the difficulty of feeling like I make things difficult for my family, but I try to tell myself (and encourage you to tell yourself) that their having difficulty finding ways to communicate *with* you and *about* you is not your fault - especially from the sounds of what you described, when things escalate in anger between others, that isn't your fault.

If they want to know how to best communicate with you, they should ask you, not fight with each other about it. (that's just my 2 cents of course ~)



jimmy m
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30 Aug 2020, 9:37 pm

Aspies tend to communicate better in writing than orally. Therefore you might write down your thoughts on the subject, make two copies and give one to your mom and the other to your dad.

The coronavirus is adding a layer of complexity to daily life. It is a time of great uncertainty. Some students are returning to school, others are not. Some start school and infection rates cause a pause and students are sent home for a week or two. This uncertainty effects the lives of parents. Who takes care of their child if they are working and he is placed in quarantine. This stress produces stress and anxiety. Which can produce fights and arguments about the best way to proceed forward.

Some young people have a job and then the coronavirus struck and now they are in limbo.


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MagicMeerkat
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14 Sep 2020, 11:56 am

The other kids at school I'd say so. Everyone hated me and it became a game to bully me; which teachers often joined in on.


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timf
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15 Sep 2020, 8:02 am

It sounds like your presence was only a spark that revealed the problems your parents have with each other. If you weren't there, it probably would have been something else that started their disagreement.

Since this doesn't have much to do with you, you might be free to offer words of encouragement, understanding and patience to each parent to show kindness to the other.



magz
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15 Sep 2020, 8:07 am

timf wrote:
It sounds like your presence was only a spark that revealed the problems your parents have with each other.

This.
A lot of marriages suffered during the lockdown. Maybe they're one of them.
Couple counselling is a lot about communicating emotions in healthy ways. Maybe they would benefit from some training in it.


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naturalplastic
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18 Oct 2020, 2:24 am

I relate. I feel for you. Brings back tons of bad memories of my own. Memories of numerous situations like that with my parents. Dont know what you can do about it at this moment. But try not to take it too personally against you.

On one occasion ...may parents started sending me to a new shrink, and we had a session with all three of us, and ...my parents started screaming at each other. And over issues that had nothing do to with me. The lady shrink offered marriage counsuling for them, but they declined ( but years later they did get marriage counselling).

Spouses often have differing approaches to raising kids. And I have observed in other families(with NT kids), as well as in my own, how parents can evolve into being a pathological caricature of themselves because they react against the other parents approach-both parents get polarized.

That might be what your parents are doing. Get polarized with each other over contrasting ways of raising you. But they may also have issues between each other which have nothing to do with raising you.