Parent privileges?parental respect

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Aspie1
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21 Oct 2021, 7:54 pm

I swear to god, parents literally have no idea how easy their lives are, and how privileged they are! When a parent gets a bad performance review at work, he/she comes home to a comforting hug from his/her spouse and a big shot of whiskey. When a child get a bad grade in school, he/she comes home to an hours-long screaming lecture, strong feelings of guilt and shame, losing TV privileges for two weeks, and making suicide plans to avoid that situation at the next bad grade. And later sneaking whiskey from the liquor cabinet when his/her parents aren't looking, to blur out the nasty feelings, thus starting up a lifelong alcohol habit.

Parents WOULDN'T LAST A DAY living their easy, privileged lives as kids again! They'd be looting pharmacies to obtain antidepressants and opioids. Either that, or we'd run out of liquor in a matter of days, if we could magically make parents live like kids again! :evil:



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24 Oct 2021, 4:17 am

Aspie1 wrote:
I swear to god, parents literally have no idea how easy their lives are, and how privileged they are! When a parent gets a bad performance review at work, he/she comes home to a comforting hug from his/her spouse and a big shot of whiskey. When a child get a bad grade in school, he/she comes home to an hours-long screaming lecture, strong feelings of guilt and shame, losing TV privileges for two weeks, and making suicide plans to avoid that situation at the next bad grade. And later sneaking whiskey from the liquor cabinet when his/her parents aren't looking, to blur out the nasty feelings, thus starting up a lifelong alcohol habit.

Parents WOULDN'T LAST A DAY living their easy, privileged lives as kids again! They'd be looting pharmacies to obtain antidepressants and opioids. Either that, or we'd run out of liquor in a matter of days, if we could magically make parents live like kids again! :evil:


You incorrectly assume that all parents act like yours did.

I never gave either of my kids screening lectures or revoked privileges for bad academic performance. I simply asked them why they thought they had gotten the disappointing grade and then supported them.

But I did get to worry if they would get into college, if we’d be able to afford it, and if they would get past their roadblocks to be able to support themselves as adults.

I did get to stay up all night when they were sick but still have to go to work in the morning.

I still take on every worry either of them have, and probably will for life, even though I also know I have to sit back and let them make their own mistakes, and only help when they want me to.

I worry about everything. My job, their job, their health, my health. What would happen if they had to suddenly deal with our estate (they wouldn’t be able to).

We never had whiskey in our house. I hardly ever drink at all; I’ve always had medications that don’t mix with alcohol.

In other words, the balance you describe, the relationship you know, it’s NOT NORMAL. After all these years, I would think you would know that.


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Aspie1
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24 Oct 2021, 6:43 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
I never gave either of my kids screening lectures or revoked privileges for bad academic performance. I simply asked them why they thought they had gotten the disappointing grade and then supported them.
...
We never had whiskey in our house. I hardly ever drink at all; I’ve always had medications that don’t mix with alcohol.

In other words, the balance you describe, the relationship you know, it’s NOT NORMAL. After all these years, I would think you would know that.
Maybe so. But it's still easier to be a parent than to be a kid. First off, there's no double jeopardy. When you get in trouble at work, your trouble ends the minute you leave the building. When you get a bad grade at school, your trouble follows you home, even if all you get is "discussion" :roll: about your grade. Second, if you're grocery shopping as a family, and see a canister of coffee for $5.99 and a box of candy for $1.79, guess what gets bought? The coffee and not the candy, of course, even though the candy costs 66% less.

Another thing: when you're an adult, your feeling are ALWAYS taken seriously. Not only that, you get to put the responsibility for your mental well-being on your child's shoulders. How sweet is that? But when you're a child, and ESPECIALLY if you're a boy, nobody gives a damn how you feel! Which creates conflict when the family therapist demands to know about your feelings, and yet won't accept answers that go against their loyalty to your parents.

No one in my family was an alcoholic. But there was always alcohol in the home. So I put two and two together, and figured it was the reason why adults were never sad or frustrated; just either happy or angry, and nothing else.

Last but not least, if you're a parent, your family therapist is ALWAYS on your side. Your tell that loser how difficult your life is because of your child's "bad behavior" :roll:, and he/she gives you suggestions on child management. A child tells that loser about being emotionally abused, and gets mocked and/or gaslighted into believing it's love.


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DW_a_mom
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25 Oct 2021, 4:03 am

Aspie1 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
I never gave either of my kids screening lectures or revoked privileges for bad academic performance. I simply asked them why they thought they had gotten the disappointing grade and then supported them.
...
We never had whiskey in our house. I hardly ever drink at all; I’ve always had medications that don’t mix with alcohol.

In other words, the balance you describe, the relationship you know, it’s NOT NORMAL. After all these years, I would think you would know that.
Maybe so. But it's still easier to be a parent than to be a kid. First off, there's no double jeopardy. When you get in trouble at work, your trouble ends the minute you leave the building. When you get a bad grade at school, your trouble follows you home, even if all you get is "discussion" :roll: about your grade. Second, if you're grocery shopping as a family, and see a canister of coffee for $5.99 and a box of candy for $1.79, guess what gets bought? The coffee and not the candy, of course, even though the candy costs 66% less.

Another thing: when you're an adult, your feeling are ALWAYS taken seriously. Not only that, you get to put the responsibility for your mental well-being on your child's shoulders. How sweet is that? But when you're a child, and ESPECIALLY if you're a boy, nobody gives a damn how you feel! Which creates conflict when the family therapist demands to know about your feelings, and yet won't accept answers that go against their loyalty to your parents.

No one in my family was an alcoholic. But there was always alcohol in the home. So I put two and two together, and figured it was the reason why adults were never sad or frustrated; just either happy or angry, and nothing else.

Last but not least, if you're a parent, your family therapist is ALWAYS on your side. Your tell that loser how difficult your life is because of your child's "bad behavior" :roll:, and he/she gives you suggestions on child management. A child tells that loser about being emotionally abused, and gets mocked and/or gaslighted into believing it's love.



Ah, Aspie1, your perceptions are so messed up. Maybe your family did that to you.

Parents do NOT get to put responsibility for their mental health onto their children’s shoulders. Adults are never supposed to put responsibility for anything in their adult lives onto their children. How could any child possibly take that on? Children act on instinct, not malice. There may be parents who do so, but that takes a pretty messed up parent.

Choosing to become a parent means accepting responsibility for the well being of your children, whatever package they arrive in. If people aren’t ready for that, they shouldn’t become parents.

My children never perceived me or my husband as happier or more worry free than they were. Nor did they see us push our issues onto them. My daughter’s therapist was solely hers, with an agreement of complete privacy (I recognize that isn’t normal, but that was the agreement when I set it up for her). Such a different life from what you lived …


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magz
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25 Oct 2021, 4:25 am

Hmmm... in my world, adults absolutely can be sad or frustrated.

Aspie1, I know we automatically assume whatever we grew up in was "the normal" but what I learn about your parents is crooked as hell. That's called "abusive parenting".


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Aspie1
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25 Oct 2021, 7:17 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Parents do NOT get to put responsibility for their mental health onto their children’s shoulders. Adults are never supposed to put responsibility for anything in their adult lives onto their children. How could any child possibly take that on? Children act on instinct, not malice. There may be parents who do so, but that takes a pretty messed up parent.
In all honesty, I wouldn't have minded taking on a parentified role, provided I were "paid" fairly for it. After all, I did a MUCH BETTER job playing therapist on my parents and grandparents, than my actual therapist did on me. I gave real advice and words of consolation, not just condescending mockery and empty platitudes. Sadly, my family laughed everything off at best, and told me to be quiet at worst.

I'd have liked a high allowance as my compensation. Or unlimited TV time. Or freedom to choose my meals. Or an exemption from bedtimes. Or an exemption from punishments for bringing home a C. Or the adults pretending to look the other way while I snuck alcohol. (Then again, I successfully snuck it anyway.) Or drugs. Then it'd be fair: I provides real therapy to my family and got indirectly paid for it. After all, I wanted to have a paid job since I was 11, and being a therapist to family members counted, even if I got paid in privileges and freedoms, instead of wages, alcohol, or drugs.

But none of it was true. I had to take on adult responsibilities, and got no adults rights. :evil: I still had to obey all rules without question. I still had to bring home perfect grades. I still had to listen to family members complain about each other. My family, nuclear and extended, were basically committing wage theft. And my therapist enabled them, while making $100+ an hour for doing literally nothing. So I took matters into my own hands, and started drinking at age 12. It felt good, I must say.



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26 Oct 2021, 4:36 am

^^^ I am curious how your family viewed the same interactions.

But it won’t change the fact they failed you. In one way if not the other.

I wish you could understand that your perceptions are not reality in most families.

And I wish your childhood experience had been profoundly different than it was.


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kraftiekortie
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26 Oct 2021, 7:55 am

I had a similar upbringing, in a way, to Aspie1's. My advice for him is to forget about being a kid.

Being a kid taught me that it's much better to be a grownup.



Itendswithmexx
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27 Oct 2021, 2:00 am

Fnord wrote:
"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you." -- Exodus 20:12 (NIV)

Modern Implication: "Be nice to your parents, or they may shorten your life."

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the LORD." -- Ephesians 6:4 (NIV)

Modern Implication: "Be nice to your kids, and teach them what Jesus said."

So, yeah ... family members should all get along ... at least, that is the ideal case.




Why should they have the right to shorten your life? What gives them the right or power to pretend to be god? They fight in some dual and win?



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27 Oct 2021, 2:04 am

League_Girl wrote:
I'd say if parents expect respect from their kids, they have to show it first because how do kids learn respect if it's not modeled to them?

Also just because a kid is following their parents rules and avoiding anything to upset them and not challenging them isn't always due to respect, it can be due to fear.



Unfortunately many children don’t have any means to make money before the age of 14. So if they want to buy clothing or eat then they have to do what they are told even if that means doing something they don’t want to do. Which I’m sure many parents have done to children aka incest. “Suck my dick or you won’t have dinner”. Then when the children grows up they experience the same thing in their relationships and by then they think it’s normal.



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27 Oct 2021, 2:05 am

Flown wrote:
Fnord wrote:
I respectfully disagree; but, like all other privileges, respect for one's parents can be revoked at any time and for any reason, with physical or emotional abuse from one's parents being perfectly appropriate reasons.


I suppose we will have to continue to disagree :)

I believe that a healthy respect can be earned if parents only reciprocate it to their children (and, no, I don't mean letting them run wild and do whatever they want). When we teach children that they should automatically bow to an authority or the "seat of power, we do them a great disservice and deprive them of multiple learning opportunities. Demanding respect without good explanation not only defies logic but it discourages actual acts of communication, empathy, kindness, honesty, and gratitude. I think the aforementioned approach is unhealthy and unnecessary.


Yah. But they kill you if you don’t respect them and suck up to them.


*admire them * worship them



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27 Oct 2021, 5:52 am

Itendswithmexx wrote:
Unfortunately many children don’t have any means to make money before the age of 14. So if they want to buy clothing or eat then they have to do what they are told even if that means doing something they don’t want to do. Which I’m sure many parents have done to children aka incest. “Suck my dick or you won’t have dinner”. Then when the children grows up they experience the same thing in their relationships and by then they think it’s normal.
My family life was never that extreme, but it was insidious such that love was used as a currency. Something like: "Eat your oatmeal right away, or we'll stop loving you!" And the way my parents cooked oatmeal, it looked and tasted disgusting! But I had to eat it in order to keep their love. :evil:

I quickly "understood" that love was something you had to actively earn. I carried such a mindset into my first relationship at age 18, which I found very tedious, and only stayed in it because I was desperate for a girlfriend. I did things like taking two buses to our college's satellite campus to see her (I didn't have a car back then), rather than stand my ground on her meeting me halfway. Come to think of it, the transactional love model my parents presented made it easy for me to start seeing escorts 8O a few years after that. After spending my entire childhood paying for love, paying for sex wasn't a stretch at all.

I remember starting a thread a few years ago, where I talked about how parents may "love" good kids (as long as good kids do what's demanded from them), but it's the bad kids parents actually RESPECT.



Last edited by Aspie1 on 27 Oct 2021, 6:00 am, edited 2 times in total.

Itendswithmexx
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27 Oct 2021, 5:58 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
I swear to god, parents literally have no idea how easy their lives are, and how privileged they are! When a parent gets a bad performance review at work, he/she comes home to a comforting hug from his/her spouse and a big shot of whiskey. When a child get a bad grade in school, he/she comes home to an hours-long screaming lecture, strong feelings of guilt and shame, losing TV privileges for two weeks, and making suicide plans to avoid that situation at the next bad grade. And later sneaking whiskey from the liquor cabinet when his/her parents aren't looking, to blur out the nasty feelings, thus starting up a lifelong alcohol habit.

Parents WOULDN'T LAST A DAY living their easy, privileged lives as kids again! They'd be looting pharmacies to obtain antidepressants and opioids. Either that, or we'd run out of liquor in a matter of days, if we could magically make parents live like kids again! :evil:


You incorrectly assume that all parents act like yours did.

I never gave either of my kids screening lectures or revoked privileges for bad academic performance. I simply asked them why they thought they had gotten the disappointing grade and then supported them.

But I did get to worry if they would get into college, if we’d be able to afford it, and if they would get past their roadblocks to be able to support themselves as adults.

I did get to stay up all night when they were sick but still have to go to work in the morning.

I still take on every worry either of them have, and probably will for life, even though I also know I have to sit back and let them make their own mistakes, and only help when they want me to.

I worry about everything. My job, their job, their health, my health. What would happen if they had to suddenly deal with our estate (they wouldn’t be able to).

We never had whiskey in our house. I hardly ever drink at all; I’ve always had medications that don’t mix with alcohol.

In other words, the balance you describe, the relationship you know, it’s NOT NORMAL. After all these years, I would think you would know that.



Yah would you try and sell your kids uterus ?



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27 Oct 2021, 6:00 am

Aspie1 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Parents do NOT get to put responsibility for their mental health onto their children’s shoulders. Adults are never supposed to put responsibility for anything in their adult lives onto their children. How could any child possibly take that on? Children act on instinct, not malice. There may be parents who do so, but that takes a pretty messed up parent.
In all honesty, I wouldn't have minded taking on a parentified role, provided I were "paid" fairly for it. After all, I did a MUCH BETTER job playing therapist on my parents and grandparents, than my actual therapist did on me. I gave real advice and words of consolation, not just condescending mockery and empty platitudes. Sadly, my family laughed everything off at best, and told me to be quiet at worst.

I'd have liked a high allowance as my compensation. Or unlimited TV time. Or freedom to choose my meals. Or an exemption from bedtimes. Or an exemption from punishments for bringing home a C. Or the adults pretending to look the other way while I snuck alcohol. (Then again, I successfully snuck it anyway.) Or drugs. Then it'd be fair: I provides real therapy to my family and got indirectly paid for it. After all, I wanted to have a paid job since I was 11, and being a therapist to family members counted, even if I got paid in privileges and freedoms, instead of wages, alcohol, or drugs.

But none of it was true. I had to take on adult responsibilities, and got no adults rights. :evil: I still had to obey all rules without question. I still had to bring home perfect grades. I still had to listen to family members complain about each other. My family, nuclear and extended, were basically committing wage theft. And my therapist enabled them, while making $100+ an hour for doing literally nothing. So I took matters into my own hands, and started drinking at age 12. It felt good, I must say.



Why would you drink at 12? That’s so bad for your brain! Is your brain okay now?
Aww yeah kids can’t be paid till there 14? Or is 15 and nine months? And even then it’s still underpay.



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27 Oct 2021, 6:05 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Itendswithmexx wrote:
Unfortunately many children don’t have any means to make money before the age of 14. So if they want to buy clothing or eat then they have to do what they are told even if that means doing something they don’t want to do. Which I’m sure many parents have done to children aka incest. “Suck my dick or you won’t have dinner”. Then when the children grows up they experience the same thing in their relationships and by then they think it’s normal.
My family life was never that extreme, but it was insidious such that love was used as a currency. Something like: "Eat your oatmeal right away, or we'll stop loving you!" And the way my parents cooked oatmeal, it looked and tasted disgusting! But I had to eat it in order to keep their love. :evil:

I quickly "understood" that love was something you had to actively earn. I carried such a mindset into my first relationship at age 18, which I found very tedious, and only stayed in it because I was desperate for a girlfriend. I did things like taking two buses to our college's satellite campus to see her (I didn't have a car back then), rather than stand my ground on her meeting me halfway. Come to think of it, the transactional love model my parents presented made it easy for me to start seeing escorts 8O a few years after that. After spending my entire childhood paying for love, paying for sex wasn't a stretch at all.

I remember starting a thread a few years ago, where I talked about how parents may "love" good kids (as long as good kids do what's demanded from them), but it's the bad kids parents actually RESPECT.



How did you earn love from your parents ? Why did you feel desperate for a gf? Do you mean you felt desperate for sex? Eh I don’t know what types of parents do that lol. They could be pretending to respect, and love. How can anyone ever really know?



Itendswithmexx
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27 Oct 2021, 6:07 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Itendswithmexx wrote:
Unfortunately many children don’t have any means to make money before the age of 14. So if they want to buy clothing or eat then they have to do what they are told even if that means doing something they don’t want to do. Which I’m sure many parents have done to children aka incest. “Suck my dick or you won’t have dinner”. Then when the children grows up they experience the same thing in their relationships and by then they think it’s normal.
My family life was never that extreme, but it was insidious such that love was used as a currency. Something like: "Eat your oatmeal right away, or we'll stop loving you!" And the way my parents cooked oatmeal, it looked and tasted disgusting! But I had to eat it in order to keep their love. :evil:

I quickly "understood" that love was something you had to actively earn. I carried such a mindset into my first relationship at age 18, which I found very tedious, and only stayed in it because I was desperate for a girlfriend. I did things like taking two buses to our college's satellite campus to see her (I didn't have a car back then), rather than stand my ground on her meeting me halfway. Come to think of it, the transactional love model my parents presented made it easy for me to start seeing escorts 8O a few years after that. After spending my entire childhood paying for love, paying for sex wasn't a stretch at all.

I remember starting a thread a few years ago, where I talked about how parents may "love" good kids (as long as good kids do what's demanded from them), but it's the bad kids parents actually RESPECT.



How did you earn love from your parents ? Why did you feel desperate for a gf? Do you mean you felt desperate for sex? Eh I don’t know what types of parents do that lol. They could be pretending to respect, and love. How can anyone ever really know? Well going to an escort probably does work out cheaper,less frustrating and less time consuming then trying to find someone in a bar or online. Unless you get involved in a cult, they hook you up in no time.