Adult Son

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Hi all

I am very worried about my adult son. It is nearly 3 years since he left school and he hardly goes out anywhere and mostly stays in his room. He stays downstairs watching tv on his own or with his brother quite a few nights after we have gone to bed. I would like him to get a job or go to college so he can look after himself after we have gone. We are not in the best of health and in our 60’s. He says we don’t have the right to know what he’s doing. He is very intelligent and we can’t discuss the matter with him because he refuses to talk about it and has clever replies. Anyone got any advice?

Thanks

Dawn

You might discuss scenarios such as you and your husband moving to a one bedroom apartment for your retirement and ask him what he would do to provide for himself.

Intelligent children often are very skilled at providing themselves the most comfortable environment they can. They may not appreciate how much at risk they are for never having cultivated the skills to persevere or tackle something uncomfortable.

You might be able to reach him if you can get him to understand that doing difficult things now can provide a more comfortable life later. Failing that, he may only find motivation after you sell your house. I can sympathize.

Thanks for your kind reply.

I think, if he's living in your house, using your electricity, water, food, etc. then you do have the right to know what he is doing. He only gets the right to control his own life when he truly becomes independent.

I'm not unsympathetic, I have my adult son living with me and have similar issues with him. But I've learnt to avoid enabling it as far as possible. As long as he is dependant on me he has to follow my rules.

The basic (uncomfortable) question for parents of a high needs son is: is independence realistic?

Road one: work on independence skills, job hunting skills, work-place etiquette, etc. You might hire a coach or (like us) plan weekly status meetings. There programs for individuals with autism for job readiness and life skills.



Road two: building a trust fund, researching and implementing government funded income for a disabled adult, finding a guardian or facility to support your son after you are gone.

I know of parents who have done both.

Here’s a checklist to help choose between independence and long-term support:

Assessing Independence
- Can your son handle daily tasks (cooking, managing money)?
- Does he have the social skills for work or school?
- Is he motivated or willing to pursue independence?
- Can he manage stress and emotions?
- Have previous attempts at building independence been successful?

Exploring Support Options
- How is your own health, and how long can you realistically provide care?
- Have you explored disability benefits or job programs?
- Is there a trusted guardian or facility for future care?
- Have you considered setting up a trust fund or financial plan?
- Are there local services or support systems available?

Emotional and Mental Health
- How is the situation affecting your family’s well-being?
- Would professional guidance (e.g., a therapist or coach) help?
- Can you gauge your son’s long-term goals or concerns?

This can guide you toward independence or planning for long-term support.

Source: chatgpt (at my direction)

Yes, I forgot about this.
I found it helpful with my kids to schedule a weekly "family meeting".
At the meeting we would discuss any progress being made towards their life goals and whether they needed my help to achieve a particular goal. Also I would discuss things from my perspective such as the financial situation and what things were costing me the most and whether it was sustainable.
That really helped actually.