AS traits vs AS and developing away from AS ( 5 year old)

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Well said, psychohist. It's called a spectrum for a reason. I am certain that I'm on the spectrum and my son has a formal diagnosis. I gesture, look people in the eye, and I smile. I'm highly empathetic. My son is highly empathetic, especially about cats.

One of the "empathy" issues that is lost on the general populace is not so much whether or not we have empathy, but how that empathy expresses itself. I explain this to people who are close to me with the example of my mother's death. I was never particularly close to my mother due to not being raised by her. I had "issues" around some of her difficulties that kept her from raising me. My sister was close to her, but my sister is many years older than I am. When my mother died, I felt nothing. A few months later my sister sent me a parcel that included some things from my mother and I burst into tears. When a child is dying from cancer on television, I burst into tears and feel terrible.

I realised (only in this past year) that what would appear to be "normal empathy" to others (bursting into tears when someone is dead, dying, etc.) is actually not "normal" empathy. I cry for myself and grieve for myself. I didn't grieve that my mother had died. I grieved because that meant I would never have a mother, I lost out again. I don't grieve for the parents or a child who is dying of cancer, I grieve because I am scared that will happen to my life. I would be destroyed if anything ever happened to my child. I can "put myself in the place of the parents" but it isn't exactly that I have NT "empathy". I feel bad for myself, I am not putting myself in the place of the other person as such.

I'm kind of disjointed typing this, because I should be doing something else right now. Felt compelled to respond, sorry in advance if I am failing at cohesive thought!

It's is quite clear reading real life experiences that the criteria definitions...whatever ones you look at....are fraught with difficulties and inconsistencies...or maybe the other way of looking at it...those being diagnosed do not readily fit the criteria parameters that easily.

It makes me wonder about the diagnosis and how accurate they are......quite clearly those on the fringes of the spectrum are incredibly difficult to diagnose clearly.

The theory of mind is particularly complex indeed maybe some AS people understand NT behaviour but simply choose not to apply it to themselves....

I don't know about my son...but I don't think I am going to get an answer easily and if I do get a positive AS diagnosis I will be fascinated to see how the evidence found relates to the criteria ...I don't see how it can...and whilst I am bound to be a bit defensive and lacking some objectivity I really don't see a clear result looming.....so many of the AS criteria as defined clearly ...he quite clearly doesn't fit...others that are a bit more subjective and are a large degree to do with development anyway seem at least partly successful in showing NT behaviour......

I suppose that's why we have experts and professionals...and of course in time we will see if he develops.

All true. It is very interesting to see how professionals are able to fit our quirks into the criteria. For people (kids included) on the higher-functioning end of the spectrum it takes professionals with a lot of experience. Where I come from we have to see three different people for children; a speech pathologist, a psychologist and a paediatrician. To be frank, a lot of the traits my son has that are ASD I barely noticed as a very attached parent. His report was a bit shocking to me. Now that I know what I'm looking for (after a year of studying ASD in quite a bit of my spare time) it is clear as day to me.

Either way (ASD dx or not) I am sure that you will continue to be a mindful parent who helps your child the best you possibly can. It's sometimes nice just to have those specialists rule ASD out, too. It's hard having doubts and trying to figure all this stuff out on our own.

Ominous if you don't mind me asking why did you end up getting your child diagnosed? It appears from your posts, your son is not that problematic nor that obvious to you....and can I ask if you found the support you received as a result was helpful?

Don't get me wrong. My attitude about ASD has changed markedly over the past year. I could write a diatribe to answer this question but will try to synopsise.

My son is not "problematic" but his behaviours became markedly more "unusual" for both of us when he hit about six and a half. He wasn't developing according to the "standard" in many ways. In many ways he hadn't developed according to the standard, but my earlier concerns were dismissed by a GP and later a paediatrician (when he was two and a half). I was happy to be told his issues "weren't anything to worry about" at the time as I had come to equate "autism" with someone I didn't like very much. I didn't want my son to be "that person".

When he was younger, most of his ASD traits could be said of many little kids. Doctors even excused his two and a half year long echolalia as "that's how children learn to speak". At the time I lived in a regional area and there was not a lot of information about ASD. Our GP dismissed my worries by asking my son where a plane was that was hanging from the ceiling. "Where's the plane? Do you see it up there? Where is it?" He pointed. OH HE POINTED, HE DOESN'T HAVE AUTISM.

I had to take him out of a small community school when he was 5.5 years old because of "issues" and "problems". He spent the majority of his time on "the thinking chair". He "wouldn't read" and "didn't participate". I started home educating at that time and noticed how difficult it was for him to learn without having meltdowns. He could not engage in any conversation back and forth with me outside of *very still times*. He developed profound fears that kept him (and still keep him, sometimes, if he's had a bad week or something is troubling him) from being able to do many things alone (like be in another room or play in the back garden by himself). When he was six I went on waiting lists for diagnosis (didn't know what for, but my working dx is ADD so I thought perhaps that was it mixed with giftedness and dyslexia). I started researching. I did CARS and Conner's rating tests sent to me by a local child developmental centre. He was off the charts. When I learned that we would be waiting at least another three years for a public ASD evaluation, I paid for one privately with the help of some amazing friends who were able to help with the financial aspect of that.

Why did I get a diagnosis? So I could help my son. I was all over the shop (Is this ADD? Is he gifted? Is this just dyslexia? Am I hysterical?) I knew he wasn't a "normal" baby from infancy. I have had years of experience in childcare and baby care specifically. My son was a dead weight, didn't cling to me, I had to stop carrying him in a sling and put him in a stroller because he never "helped" me carry him like other babies did. As a toddler he stacked bricks by colour, collected Indian ornamental boxes and would flip out if I didn't get him an ornamental box. As a toddler. Not toys. Ornamental boxes from India. He never put anything in the boxes, he just liked having his boxes. LOTS OF BOXES.

I couldn't effectively teach him or help him if I didn't know what was going on. Have I received support? A little. I can now talk about what is going on without guessing, which makes ME feel less crazy. I get a bit of financial help through a grant so I can home educate him as he is unable to attend a local school. "The powers that be" are more understanding of me being a single mother who isn't "working". The biggest support is knowing what is going on and being able to actively seek out what will assist him, being able to understand him and develop ASD-specific things that will meet his needs so that he can be whatever he chooses when he grows up (that's the goal). As we learned from G.I. Joe, "Knowing is half the battle."

Today he's much more "together" than he was at age five. He is reading and doing math above his grade level. He isn't in a constant state of anxiety. He isn't in an environment where he feels he is doomed to fail so he is no longer playing the role of class clown so that people don't believe he's an "idiot" (his word). I know what's up and it's a lot easier to work with and for him (both inter-personally and out in the world) with the understanding of this part of who he is.

Ominous thanks very much for that detailed reply....I am delighted you seem to have moved forward and your son is a better place than before...I hope this continues but it seems to me there isa lot of happiness in amongst the puzzling stuff.

There is. He's awesome and part of what makes him so awesome is the ASD. I wouldn't take it away for fear of taking away a huge part of who he is. Sometimes it is still very stressful and a lot to process, so learning how to cope and manage in the world (and with other people) are huge for us. Don't let my Pollyanna facade fool you. This world sucks for people on the spectrum in a lot of ways.