Daughter's resistance to help

Post Reply New Topic

I'm not very active on Wrong Planet, but your post really resonated with me as your daughter sounds almost exactly like the high school me . I hope that my experiences and perspective can encourage you and your daughter and maybe be of help.

First I want to say that your daughter is blessed to have a mom who desires to help her and is putting effort into trying to understand her needs. Also, congratulations to her on getting her diagnosis! I have only been diagnosed a few months ago (just before my 26th birthday), and while it kind of saved my life to find out when I did, I have wondered if I had been diagnosed in my teens it might have saved me a lot of confusion and self-hate and helped my parents understand how much I was/am struggling. Maybe, maybe not. Anyway, I hope you and she will be able to see this as a blessing.

I think it's important for us all to remember that there is no society-police waiting to punish children for not reaching adulthood/going to college/moving out/starting a job/getting married before a certain deadline. If these things happen, let them happen in the right time for your daughter and not a minute sooner. In the meantime, continue to love and support her unconditionally, with CLARITY about your feelings and reasonable expectations about house rules, but check yourself often to be sure you are not trying to subtly push her to do things before she is ready. She will probably sense any hint of manipulation and resist it. Someone on this thread mentioned that autists often find it hard to trust people and believe that they have our best interests at heart. There are very few people I trust, and sadly my parents are no longer on that list. Don't earn your daughter's distrust.

Two of the best things my parents did for me in my high school years were:

1) They encouraged my interests and facilitated them when possible (which, like your daughter, happen to include reptiles, among other animals). They let me turn our apartment into a zoo (with the condition that I was responsible and that there were no snakes ), took me to a few events with a nearby university's biology club, and let me incorporate a herpetology emphasis in my homeschool curriculum. My mom also took me horseback riding with her every weekend.

2) They didn't pressure me about my plans for after high school. They showed me how to assess my unique interests and abilities and think about who I wanted to be, who God made me to be, and encouraged me to think of ideas for what that could look like as a life work, but they also made it clear that it was my decision. All through high school I was very resistant to the idea of college, but during the spring of my senior year I suddenly decided that since I would become a herpetologist, I needed to go to college for that. I found two colleges with a degree program I liked, was accepted and offered scholarships, visited both that summer, and started as a freshman at the university I chose that fall (which had a collection of hundreds of snakes in the science building). Because I am such a slow internal processor and struggle to express my thoughts and feelings, it probably seemed to my parents like I wasn't thinking seriously about my future at all and my decision-making was (and still is) excruciatingly slow. They probably thought I was just going to stay home indefinitely and play with my turtles and lizards for the rest of my life (which maybe wouldn't have been a bad idea ). But they didn't rush me. I made my decision when I was ready, and then things moved quickly if somewhat unconventionally. If your daughter wants to do the college animal care program you mentioned, that could be a fantastic opportunity for her, but if she wants to take a gap year and volunteer at a zoo or do something altogether different, that could be a great learning experience too. Again, encourage her passion and let her decide what she will do with it to find fulfillment and better the world.

I should also add that my siblings and I were homeschooled from K-12, grew up in a foreign country, and in my high school years we lived in a very isolating part of town where I had zero peer interaction. I also had no opportunities for formal employment or learning how to drive. (Lest you think I was a deprived child, I had many experiences that would make a first-world kid jealous). When I started college, I was suddenly immersed in American culture, peer interaction, classroom environment, dorm life, very different climate, and the knowledge that my family was literally on the other side of the planet. Major adjustment and minor trauma is an understatement, and there were many more upheavals throughout my college years. Yet I survived and completed my bachelor's degree in Zoo & Wildlife Biology (by the grace of God and the solace of the reptile rooms), and developed tremendously as a person during those years.

I am confident that as long as your daughter is able to do what she loves, she will grow and develop to her unique potential in the right timing for her. Not without difficulties of course, but as she chooses her path she will have to figure out how to get through those difficulties. If she knows you are there to support her and you ask her how you can help, that will make a world of difference for her too.

As far as professional help, I would only caution that if she's coming to you for understanding or help, it's because she trusts you. Honor that and don't just pass her off to a "professional," even though it is hard and you probably have communication difficulties (I'm assuming you are NT?). That being said, you could make the option of professional help available to her and then let her tell you if/when she's ready for that. At some point she may want to meet with someone who understands female autism and can help her understand herself and the world better. Or that may not work for her at all.

I don't know if your daughter likes horses, but they have been the best therapy throughout my life. I am able to connect with horses in ways that I cannot with humans, but the things I learn from those interactions can carry over into my interactions with humans. It's hard to explain, but true. Horses are extremely sensitive to human emotions and react accordingly, so I can better identify what I'm feeling based on their behavior, and it forces me to always think about their perspective. I will stop before I go to deep into this, because horses are another of my special interests. But I highly recommend looking into horsemanship lessons if your daughter is interested and you find an affordable option. Even if it isn't formal therapy, I have found that the horses themselves are the best friends/teachers. Actually all animals can be therapeutic, so just because a girl spends all her time with reptiles doesn't mean she isn't learning any social skills (speaking from experience here ).

There is lots more I could say, but this is already ridiculously long and rambley. Let me know if you have questions, and if you or your daughter want to talk more directly, I'd be happy to connect. All the best