Should aspies have children?

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I do want to get married in the next few years and have children.

I cannot picture a future where I don't have a wife and kids. At least not a happy one.

I have Asperger's and ADHD. And I don't mind if my children are Autistic or NT. And if they are, I would do everything I can to help them. All the negative experiences I had because of my AS, I would use those as learning experiences to help my children. I'd read to them every night, play with them and help them with their homework (or homeschool them), I'd talk with them, and listen to them. And then I'd see them off to college, I'd walk my hypothetical daughter down the aisle at her wedding, I'd eventually have Grandkids to torment me, and Great-Grandkids.

When I die, I want to be surrounded by family and loved ones. That is the only criteria I have for a good life.

Personally, I'm an Aspie with four kids. I like my kids, I enjoy my kids, and most days I think I'm a pretty good mom.

My kids' teachers, my kids' doctors, my kids' friends' parents, my friends, and the vast majority of my relatives seem to think I'm a pretty good mom.

The fact that I am, thus far, achieving results at least as good as the national average for parenting (and at least as good as the NT parents of NT kids I know) would seem to imply that I am a pretty good mom.

Am I a pretty good mom?? I don't know. There is no absolute answer. I can toss out facts, like that they are all healthy and learning and alive. I can toss out aphorisms, like "Ye shall know them by their fruits" and "The proof of the pudding is in the eating." What this basically boils down to is, I don't think anyone really knows whether they are a good parent or not. You take it day by day, you deal with each crisis as it comes up, you win some and you lose some. You don't really know what kind of parent you were until your kids are evaluating the sum total of your work...

...posthumously.

So the question is not, "Should Aspies have kids??". Some Aspies should, some Aspies shouldn't. There is, of course, the probability of ASD parents having ASD kids. All I can say is that my ASD father lived a good life. As for me?? To quote Jimmy Buffet, "some of it's magic, some of it's tragic." But, when I'm not bitter and angry and depressed (an increasing amount of time just lately), I'm glad I got the chance to live it. My son?? He doesn't have a diagnosis (yet), but he seems to have enjoyed the heck out of his six short years thus far. I farther note that I'm pretty sure he's the only one of my four to get The Curse (and that I think one of my cousin's kids, the product of an NT/NT marriage, might have it too).

If you like kids (enough to live with some) and like messing with kids (enough to do it 18 hours a day 7 days a week for at least 18 years straight) and don't mind not getting your way (because sometimes you will and sometimes you won't) and enjoy solving complex problems (with high stakes-- which actually I don't, because it scares me) and aren't in it for some Idealized Offspring but because you like the idea of creating this little person and then navigating the road to seeing who and what and how they turn out with them, then have kids.

If you don't, don't, do, don't, are, and don't, then don't have kids.

If you don't want kids, don't have kids. Because people who don't want to deal with kids don't make good parents.

If you don't want kids, look for a partner who doesn't want kids. There are plenty of wo/men out there who don't.

Unless, of course, you don't want to deal with another human being's needs and wants and desires and moods and foibles and other such BS at all. In which case, a partner might not be the best idea either.

I have a good husband...

...but I question the wisdom of marriage a lot more than the wisdom of procreation. If you want a partner merely to alleviate lonliness, you might just be better off looking for a few good friends instead.

I am a female aspie, self diagnosed. I love kids and can't wait to be a mom some day. Child care and development have been one of my special interests since I was 9 years old and I earned pocket money by baby sitting when I will was younger.

Right now I am single and would really like a good man to have a family with. But I have looked into artificial insemination, it's pricy, but if you do it at home instead of a doctors office I think I can save the money for that. If Mr right ain't here by the time I am 35 I'll do it on my own.

Well, dear, have some supportive friends. Just a few, but very supportive. I know some people that single parent-- it has its rewards, but it's a long, hard road. I was raised by single parents-- without family support, I don't know what either of them would have done.

But-- people have done it for generations. You do what you do. Up to you.

Frankly, I think the whole discussion of "Should Aspies have kids" is silly. It's like asking if PEOPLE should have kids. Can we talk about something relevant now, instead of arguing with each other and feeding the trolls??

Yeah...

This thread and the thread about having AS parents sometimes degenerates into a lot of (pointless) negativity... I keep telling myself not to read them and not to post on them, but yet I masochistically come back when they show up with new postings.

This one seems to have at least some tangential relationship with the parent board b/c parenting experiences are at least relevant to it---(although it also dengenerates into criticism---) the other one just seems like a place for people to complain about how AS parents s*ck and maybe for NTs and others with s*cky AS parents to attempt to use us as proxies for their bad parents to argue with or to try to get answers to the unanswerable.

must.stay.away.

Every time I hear about being raised by aspie parents, it's always horrible. Neglect, abuse, not putting them first, no care, no love. It's like what you would read about any bad parent. How come no one ever tells a good story about being raised by an aspie parent and mentioning normal parent stuff they did and good parenting they did? People just tend to not tell good stories and people only tell the negative. Sometimes it's hard to stay away because you are always hoping for a good story instead of another story about abuse and neglect and just another parent wrapped up in their lives who don't are about their kids and pay no attention to them and don't want to spend any money on them for their needs. Even aspies have had horrible stories about their own aspie parents so having AS does not mean they will have a good experience being raised by an aspie because they would understand each other better.



Sometimes I wonder if AS just gets scapegoated. A person comes across AS and think their parent had it when they may have just been a jerk and selfish and just abusive and just didn't care about their kids at all. People do the same thing with their partners. People seem to think AS means jerk. If someone is a jerk, they must have AS.

Most people will take the time to write about their childhood if it was negative.

If it was wonderful, most people wont take the time; Human Nature.

I think the problem is less about Aspergers being in general horrible parents, but simply that Aspergers and NTs sometimes have in general other needs and life mentality, and so dont understand each other.

I and as well my autism diagnostic specialist, that talked to my mother, suggest that my mom is the one that inherited me the autism. The autism specialist was really whondering himself, when he gave me some test and questions about me and my young age, that my mom should answer, and according to her answers, everything with me was perfect normal, when in the opposite for him there was obviously that I am not perfect normal. ^^ There was as well a personal talk afterwards with my mom, and after that he meant, that he now fully understood, why my mom did not mention to have recognized weird behavior from my side - simply because the behavior I showed did not seem weird to her, but normal.

So that definitly caused some problems for me, like for a long time not realizing that its not the whole world around me that is weird, but me and my mom that are weird. ^^ But on the other side I got teached from her since I was a kid, that its perfectly normal not to do things as they are supposed to be normal, but the way that comforts you personally. Without caring if others can understand that or not, or if it may seem weird to them. So not that typical: "I have to do this or that, so how is that normally done?" but instead "I have to do this or that. So how do I feel is the best way to get the result I like."

As well that it was totally normal for her not to suddenly interrupt each other without necesities, but to do things for herself as well as for others in a way, that allows planning. So there were as example lots of troubles with my dad, that always suddenly had an idea of something he needed, and then interrupted me, not understanding, why that was such an issue for me, then blaming me for being lazy, when I was disturbed and were not as fast as I have could been ... While for my mom it was totally normal for her to think about hours and days ahead, and to involve me in this as well in a way, that allowed me to plan my days as well. So I knew ahead if she wanted me as example to go shopping something for her, of to help her cooking, or to help her with the cloths... I didnt need to come home and be afraid of being interrupted all the times, but already knew about tasks that were given too me, so I could do my own plan about them.

I am definitly happy to know about my diagnosis now. Because that makes me aware, that what I feel as natural needs, are not automatically as well those that others have, and lets me as well understand that other people can have needs of stuff, that I never would have the idea of, if I were not forced to think about it. But because of the diagnosis, I have now the opportunity to think as well about "weird" needs of others. ^^

I think the reason why many Asperger and Autistic parents are described as so bad parents, is because few of them having the possibility,to know that the way they think simply is not normal, and that its perfectly normal that their kids think a total other way and dont understand them automatically, as I did with my mom. And so you dont have the expectation, that others automatically understand you and your needs, but must work on dialogue with yourself and others.

I'd be a better parent than many NT's that I see!

I wouldn't force my child into the profession I am in
I won't buy my kid cigarettes
I won't ignore their problems
I won't hit them or be cruel to them
I won't drink or gamble
I won't EVER yell or punish them without first letting them defend themself

Yeah, I'd be tempted to think so, too, but good intentions are not everything. I remember a former colleague of mine telling me what a humbling experience it was to be a father. He said "I end up kicking myself practically every day for being a bad parent. 'Why did I do that? I promised I would have patience with my kid and do well all those things my parents did badly. I promised myself I wouldn't do this or that, but somehow I did! It's so much harder that you think it will be!'"

Nevertheless, if you even have the serious intention to be a good parent then I agree that you will probably do better than most.

Good luck with that.

What I hate at home is never finishing a sentence without getting intterupted. I won't do that, because I know how pissed off I get

From what I often see, I ask the question - should NT's have children?

Damn good question.

I identify with http://www.vhemt.org/.

I am female and diagnosed and I think it depends on the aspie, I don't think I should have kids because I would have no way of taking care of them on top of the functioning issues I have as I even have difficulties making sure my needs are met and what not. and don't think I'd do a very good job of raising them. But I think there are some people on the spectrum that could be good parents, It probably somewhat depends on functioning level.

I don't know if I should be a parent or not. I guess it's a little late to wonder, 'cause I've done gone and had four of them.

Most of the time, I think I'm a pretty good mom. They get hugged and kissed (and also swatted upon occasion, at least while they're too little to reason with). They get balanced meals (most of the time), regular bedtimes (at least on school nights), instruction in the Three R's, science, health, religion, and home economics. They watch too much TV, but at least I'm aware of what they watch and we watch it together and discuss it. They get regular well-child visits, and don't have to make many sick-child visits. Bedtime stories, let out to play in the fresh air, kisses and band-aids on their boo-boos. They get praised when they're right and told when they're wrong.

The two who are in school make As and Bs, and all four of them seem to be reasonably content.

Sometimes, though, I think that what they really need is an NT mother. One who speaks in a sweet, soft voice instead of sounding like she's calling the hogs in from forage. One who wears motherly clothes and understands nail polish and can do fancy French braids with ribbons in them like all the other mothers at preschool.

French braids notwithstanding, just a mother who isn't shunned by 7 out of 9 of the other mothers at preschool. If I had realized that disliking me would mean that they would treat my children with equal rejection and contempt, I might not have gotten into this. That's just not right.

To be fair to me, though, I think it's something to do with snotty, clique-y, wannabe-upwardly-mobile exurban b*****s with high school educations and big-ass credit card bills. Because people in the snotty little town where I grew up treated me like crap because of my grandfather's issues, but people out in the boonies where I went to high school did not give me too much crap over my family's issues, and we were treated well when we lived out in the sticks in Arkansas, too.

No, the "high-school education" comment was elitist. Quite a few of the people who have been really, really good to me didn't even have THAT. But I feel like insulting the b*****s, because they rubbed my nose in the same old s**t pile and made my 5-year-old cry. Watching my little girl dry her eyes and say, "Well, we can still be BFFs at school" made ME cry.

Yes-- good luck with that one. You are 18 years old with good intentions. I believe that you will try not to run over them like your parents have done to you, but at some point you will find that you have to take an authoritative (not to say authoritarian, at least not TOO often) stance or chaos will reign in your home. It's not good to have a disrespectful or dictatorial parent, but it's not good to let the little pirates drive the boat, either.

You'll probably be a great dad. Just because you're already thinking about it. But-- for the love of God, give yourself some more time to grow. Like, LOTS of time to grow.