how do your AS/spectrum children handle their siblings?

Post Reply New Topic

my nephew who is 2 years old and showing some signs of autistic behavior basically has to be kept separate from his 1 year old brother every day all day. He constantly wants to spit on the baby, lay on the baby, generally harass the baby, put blankets on the baby, etc. This is all day long and no matter how many times he is told 'no' whenever he and the baby are in the same room he makes a beeline for the baby. I don't know what normal development is for a 2 year old NT child, much less one that may be on the spectrum but has anyone else dealt with this? It's also made worse by the fact that the 1 year old is developmentally delayed a bit, not even crawling yet, or pulling up and trying to stand. I think there are envy issues here with him having been usurped as 'the baby' by his younger brother but he still doesn't seem to understand the baby is real and can be hurt. He had a meltdown the other day because he was spitting purple popsicle onto the baby's head the other day just as I walked into the room (mom was in there but was distracted for a few moments)...when I removed the popsicle pile from the baby's head he had a freak out...the popsicle pile was important to him, he reacted like he does whenever he puts effort to something and then a grown-up changes it...but without any conception that the pile was wrong to be on the baby's head. I have no children of my own and his mom is pretty overwhelmed...is this is any way normal?

I'm not a parent but I have a distant though not cold relationship with my brother. At that age however aggressive behavior even among NT toddlers isn't at all surprising. Aggression at that age towards younger siblings is to be expected if only because a child that age sees the infant as a competitor for resources and attention and not being old enough to truly empathise or express himself otherwise uses aggression to show his feelings. The older child be firmly disciplined for aggressive acts and monitored constantly to keep him from doing serious harm to the smaller child.

yes...for some reason I thought this would be *more* common among NT children...maybe I am wrong. I really don't know with my nephew but every day it seems he is showing more spectrum traits. The weird thing is when he is doing the act he doesn't seem to be showing aggression, it's more like the child is a toy for him to play with...it's just such constant behavior that is what makes me think it is motivated by jealousy.

I think my constant refrain when my son was 3 - 4 and my daughter an infant was, "she is a person, not a toy!"

Honestly, I tried to never, ever leave him alone with her for the tiniest second. It's just asking for trouble. If my son couldn't understand at 3 - 4, how can your nephew at 2?

I am sorry the mom has two children that need a lot of attention so closely timed together; no wonder she is overwhelmed!

To the extent you can, I would keep the older child entertained and distracted a good distance away from the baby. Basically, keep him out of temptation until he has the skills to resist it. My bet is that currently (a) he just doesn't get it and (b) even if he did, he wouldn't have the impulse control. When they must be together, doing things like walking with the baby in the stoller and the toddler holding hands helps keep them apart. Being on the go helps, too, for the older one will be too interested in the things around him to try and "play" with his sister.

It is also good, if possible, for the mom to schedule time when the older child will have her undivided attention. With my son, that was during my daughter's nap time. As long as he was "good" with her all morning, he knew he would be rewarded with a special activity during her nap; something just for him. With the two young ones so close in age, however, that natural opportunity may not be there, so she will have to get creative with scheduling it.

thanks so much for that post and all the great tips!

Hello,

My kids are 5 years apart so he was older when the baby came, but I do distinctly remember having to say no constantly. My older one (Aspie) liked to squeeze the baby's head in his hands. "No" never worked for us. Eventually we figured out about consequences and that helped a lot. So if he started to hurt the baby, he got a time out. After a few times, he learned not to do it. Not that he never did it again, but the frequency got much lower.

At 2, most kids, even Aspies, can understand time out.

Best,

That sounds pretty typical for a toddler of ANY neurological type. My three kids were born 18 and 22 months apart, so I've always had a toddler and a baby at the same time. DD, who is NT, was AWFUL to her little brother around the time she turned 2 and he began sitting, crawling, and competing for attention. Ditto my middle son (who is being assessed for ASD) when my youngest came along. Both got time-outs for hurting and tormenting the baby, and both eventually began to understand that this was always going to be the case when they picked on the baby. I also tell them (even though at 2 they don't fully "get it") that "pushing/squishing/hitting/pinching the baby hurts him and makes him feel sad. What are we going to do to make the baby feel better and show him we are sorry?" And then I'd assist them in giving the baby a pat or a hug and handing him a more acceptable toy (often the whole thing is sparked by baby touching the wrong toy). After about a year, it would finally sink in. My eldest is now very protective of my middle son, and middle son is just getting to the point where he will simply yell at the youngest rather than clubbing him or jumping up and down on his back. If he is playing with the youngest and hurts him accidentally (which happens often as he still can't distinguish his brother from a ride-on toy) he will run to the time-out spot himself. I think with a LOT of persistence and patience, and age, it is possible to get kids to where, even if they don't really empathize, they know that it's not OK to do such-and-such thing to a baby and if baby starts crying they had better run to that time-out spot. Good luck!

My kid who very likely is living with Asperger's (I will likely know for sure in less than a month) has a fraternal twin sister who shows none of the typical indicators. They have been good friends for a long time, although with the neurotypical kid as the "control group" I have long been able to see that Noor is "a bit different."

They get along pretty well, overall. Noor, my likely AS candidate, has always required a little bit more attention, and, as a result, her sister has long gotten less of our attention. Sometimes my NT kid will lash out with a tantrum as a way, I think, of getting attention.

My NT kid is constantly finding herself in a position of explaining her sister's behavior to others at school, which I am proud of her for doing but which also concerns me since it's such a burden to dump on a first grader.

Most AS kids do NOT throw tantrums to get attention, btw. Often it is from a sensory meltdown or other frustration. At one point we talked about ways to tell the difference - it is good to know, as the best protocol for handling the child at the time is VERY different.

I am not up on my terminology, but when Noor spins out of control my wife and I usually refer to it as a "meltdown." Lucy will throw a tantrum now and then just to get some attention. My wife and I try to not let her get to that stage. Noor will have a meltdown about something like getting her shoes on to go somewhere, or a frustration over not being able to adequately communicate something. The tantrum from the NT kid gets handled with time-outs and that sort of thing. The AS meltdowns I try to address by getting to the root cause (when I can figure it out) and helping her get through them. Sometimes, it is as simple as asking the question she is trying to ask and then answering it, such as finishing her thought "Will you help me find my shoe?" and then helping her find it.