How do I tell my HFA son his grandmother is dying?

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My son is 5. He is diagnosed as HFA, his grandmother, who has practically helped me raise him, is passing away. I know I need to tell him, cause I know that he will ask questions. How or when should I tell him? should I tell him before she passes or after? And I haven't actually raised him in the church, so I think talk of angels would only confuse or scare him.
What do I do? We're going to miss her so much.

has he ever had any fish or turtles or dogs or cats that died? Is there anything he can relate to as passing away, of a spirit leaving the body?

It is easier to relate if any sort of mortality has been broached before.

Merle

he's had pet mice that passed away. but we were able to replace the mice though. and within a little bit, forgot all about the mouse dying.
I just don't think this will be so easy, more of a permanence in this situation.

well, of course it is not going to be the same, but it is just a stepping stone as to 'where is grandma?' when grandma is not there any more. The Lion King movie with the whole "Circle of Life" thing might be a way to broach it, too.

Tell your son that his grandma is gerrting ready to go to heaven, and tell him about how Jesus lets good people into heaven. Say to him that his grandma was good, so Jesus is letting her move to heaven.

I angels might confuse or scare him, why not just tell him?
To me it seems better to just tell the truth, although conversations may vary according to if the person is dying of disease or old age and is going to be cremated or buried.
But I imagine he might be pissed off when what happened turns out to be different from what you told him.

I was 7 when my grandmother (mom's mom) died, and it hurt a lot because we were quite close (thought we suspect that she knew I may have been in the same autistic range as my uncle, but the ASD's didnt cover HFAs very well in 1987). If your child is close to the grandparent, it will likely be tough for several days as he's trying to adjust to the notion that no one is going to be around us forever. Wish i could remember what my mother did for me, but i can remember crying throughout the whole funeral and then pretty much retracting from wanting anyone close (if you're going to lose someone, why have people close was kind of my mindset . . . and that still gets me to this day). When you break the news, be positive about it (didnt say this part would be easy ). "All that which begins must invariably end," is what i often tell myself (since those in the spectrum are quantifiable in nature, something scientific about growing up, old, and passing on could help explain it to him and make him feel better). Overall, you're going to have to word it right so he doesnt become overly pessimistic in his life (since a lot of us in the spectrum are hardly optimistic about much). I think sinsboldly's idea is just as good, or is in the right direction.

Are there any simple children's books about it? I like the idea of saying Grandma went to live in Heaven.

I'm not keen on the religious explanations; played a large part in my seeking to distance myself from such things from the age of 4 when I lost my sister. If she is still alive, perhaps the solution is to buy a small flowering plant. Tend it, let it bloom, then watch it go to seed and die. Discuss how the grandmother is like this flower, that we tend to her and care for her, but things are inevitable. Talk about how people are like plants, that we go through phases, and in the final phase we no longer take part in this world but become a part of it. I think that would be the most clear-cut approach.


M.

I was about the same age when my grandparents explained the concept of death to me. They did it in such a peaceful and respectful manner, that it didn't scare me the slightest. They basically said that after person dies, he is given a proper funeral the purpose of which is to let the living say goodbye. After that, the person may be gone physically, but they will always remain with the living in their memories. When I asked what happens after death, they said: "We [meaning people in general] don't know; nobody ever came back to tell about it. All that can be done is give the person a funeral to say goodbye properly. He/she is put in a burial place in a cemetery, and there are workers who maintain it. The person's family makes sure he/she is not forgotten." (I actually got a little sad typing this, because it didn't hit me until years later just how nicely put together this explanation was.)

I'm glad they stayed away from mentioning cremation, as well as the whole spirits/angels/afterlife thing. That's probably why I never had a fear of ghosts; I visualized them as anthropomorphic while clouds that fly through the air, that was was based on Casper. Then again, the explanation was heavily influenced by their Jewish beliefs, which focus more on protecting the burial sites and remembering the deceased, rather than on the afterlife (and also prohibits cremation). I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but in my case, it portrayed death as a tragic but peaceful event, rather than surrounding in a spirit world garb, which would have probably disturbed me more than helped me.

Saying that only makes sense if he is already familiar with the concept, which it sounds like he may not be.



Much better idea.

I'm thinking it might be good to make clear in some way that Grandma will be gone, she really doesn't want to go, but it's time, and she has to. And she has to go all by herself. She will never forget him, and he should never forget her. When he gets sad he can think about the nice things they used to do together and remember her. Make sure he knows it is OK to be sad, you will be sad too.



Everybody starts as a baby, then they live a long time, then finally their life is over. I wonder if some wildlife lessons about the lifespan of various species of animals (mayfly, dog, elephant) might help with the concept of living a certain amount of time and then it's over. Maybe then showing him old pictures of Grandma when she was younger, or something like that, or telling him that Grandma was alive when we didn't even have (TV, computers, CDs, DVDs, or something like that) and helping him know how long a life she has had. Teaching him first about the animals, and how long Grandma has been alive, first, and then after that telling him Grandma will be gone, might help him understand. Naturally you know your kid better than I do, but when my Aspie son was 5, books and videos were even more effective for learning than personal interaction.

I was 5 when one of my grandmothers died, although we weren't particularly close. I must have been admonished repeatedly not to bother Grandpa, he's worried about Grandma because she's so sick. I do remember right after she died, I told my grandfather, "Don't worry about Grandma now, she's dead." So be prepared for well-intentioned but inappropriate comments!

I wouldn't talk about angels and so on. If he can't see them he's not going to believe in them, it will simply make him think that death is such a scary thing that it makes grown ups lie.

I'm saying this as a Christian by the way... I really do believe in God, Jesus, angels and heaven. But I wouldn't dump a confused mishmash of angels on an autistic child. Or in fact any five year old. He'll have heard people talking about tooth fairies and santa clause, at some time (perhaps even already) he will realise these aren't real. You don't want any comfort you can give him about the afterlife to be stripped away.

It sounds to me like the best thing to do is simply tell him the truth. His grandma is dying, there's nothing you can do about it, you both love her, she loves you. If you believe in anything share those beliefs honestly, but don't give him a pretty version of death that he'll see through anyway. Worst case scenario is that he'll see Jesus as the big bad guy who stole grandma... that wouldn't be a good outcome!

I'm sorry by the way that you're having to cope with all this right now, on top of losing your mother, you've got to worry about your son. I'm also sure that you know him better than we do, and will do the best you can. Look after yourself.

My son was 3 when his grandfather died and we told him that his grandfather had gone to live with God. He asked questions; we answered them. I no longer remember all the details. I don't think we were too flowery, but also not totally black about it. In many ways, when you have to talk about things like this, you end up taking cues from the child. You can see and hear how he is responding, and start to sense what he is ready for and needs to know. My son attended the church memorial and the burial; it was important to him to say good-bye with all the adults.

That's an excellent explanation for a nonreligious child, and I'm hoping to use something like that with my children when the need arises (hopefully not any time soon).

In this specific case, if the grandmother is suffering, it may also be useful also to note after the death that she had been suffering and death was an end to that suffering. That might help soften the blow a bit.

Thank you everyone for the wonderful advice. His grandmother passed away at 7:45 last night. Ricky got to tell her that he loves her and got to say goodbye. He took it very well, better than any of us expected, and much better than most of us adults (me included). He merely looked at her and said "is she almost died?" which I just said yes she is. Then he asked if she would wake up after, which I said no to. Then he proceeded to tell me after you die, you get another life. I told him this wasn't a game, that people don't get extra lives. He just kinda stood there for a minute, idk if he was taking in what I said, or trying to make sense of it.
Then he just didn't talk about it much after, when the rest of the family came in he told them she was almost died (ik, I kinda wanted to correct him, but.....) and she wouldn't wake up.
Although, he still stands firm, on the other life thing, I'm in my own sort of denial right now, and thinking maybe my son is thinking about a sort of reincarnation ( I can hope right?), or afterlife.
So, I'm not really sure he completely understands, or if he does understand, he is just talking it way better than anyone expected.
Thank you so much once again, this past month has been pretty hard, and chaotic to say the least, I'm really glad that I stumbled upon here and found all you wonderful people, y'all are so great.

I recently read about some way to tell children about life after death, but of course it was for NT-children.
The person said that she took a box and put some candy in it, then she asked her son what was in the box. Certainly he didn´t know. She said it is the same with the death, you don´t know before you die, you can guess, there are many opinions, you can choose one, but you´ll never surely know. Then she told him to look into the box, now he knew what was in it. It´s the same with the death again. Then he could take the candy to ease the whole situation.
I don´t know if this helps you, but i think it is a sweet way to explain.

I also wanna say that I feel sorry for you and your family about the bereavement.