Arggghhhh...

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Okay, so i have a really good friend who just doesn't get about my daughter's diagnosis, even though she's watched her have problems for a number of years. Today we were all together, her kids and mine, having lunch and doing some other stuff. Well, we came back to my house but then needed to go out for something. My daughter opted to stay home for the few minutes it would take us to run to a store and back. On the way back we decided to get ice cream for everyone. So we stopped...then my friend decided she wanted to play a trick on my daughter, like we hadn't gotten any ice cream for her. I tried to discourage this....it has been a good day, she'd gotten along with everyone...she already feels like an outsider a lot of the time in these situations. But she decided to go ahead with the joke. We came inside and she had the kids talk about their ice cream while she put my daughter's in the freezer. And after a few minutes, Madison was pretty upset...telling everyone to go home and be quiet. I was really upset because I felt like why would you want to upset her after we've ALL had such a good day...why upset that.

Her daughter went and got the ice cream and gave it to Madison, and then I went and talked to her. Later I spoke to my friend on the phone. Her logic was, "Well, there are going to be people in the world who do things that upset her, she needs to get used to that." Which doesn't really hold water with me because there are already plenty of things that upset Madison....and she's doing SO much better than she ever has...and the past two times we've spent time together (the two families)...well, it's the first time things have gone really well, and everyone has gotten along. So again, I was baffled as to why she would need to play a joke like that. I tried to explain that Madison doesn't always know when someone's joking or not (I don't either)....and again I explained a lot of things. But it felt like she still only begrudgingly apologized.

I'm really kind of upset about it. To me it felt like picking on by an adult...kind of like she was calling her out just to prove she could. It really bothered me.

B

This person is NOT your friend. I don't care if she's been around you for the last 100 years, she is the anti-friend. The next time someone threatens the emotional health draw the line and be firm. There is nothing more pathetic than an adult bully. Be up front, call her, tell her how disappointed you are in her as someone you respected, and you no longer continue to share time with her. This sounds harsh but life is too short and no matter what she says, irrationally or otherwise, will never change her from being a Jerk. Let her go.
Good luck!!

If I was really uncomfortable with the idea, I would have told her, "no, you can't play a joke like that on my daughter."

And if she insisted, I would have blurted it out pretty quick, "don't worry, honey, we got one for you, it's in the freezer."

If you were ambivalent enough not to force the issue, then she had your tacit approval. Sometimes we just are not sure enough how something will turn out to give the hard sell, but then we have to accept that we made a choice, too. It isn't always bad to let something run it's course just in case the child really can handle it, so I wouldn't beat up anyone over it. Next time you can react differently.

I remember one Boy Scout parent meeting where they were talking about an upcoming outing and how maybe they would do B instead of A. I was very emphatic that they could not do that, because there had been an implied deal with some kids, that if they did C separately, they would not have to do B on the outing. The leaders were giving me all this talk about how it would be fine, how it was good for kids to learn to adjust, and so on and so on, and I put my foot down. I forcefully told them they didn't understand, that my son was AS, that he took deals like that VERY seriously, that we'd been blessed not to have any meltdowns in a long time, and there was no way I was going to allow them to carelessly mess that up. They all started at me for a while, then offered a compromise. It was something I felt strongly about. Other times, I sit back and let it all ride, because maybe it won't turn out how I worry it will, but when the instincts kick in strong enough, you make sure you get your way.

I did call her and tell her exactly why I thought it was wrong. I also spoke with my daughter about it and apologized to her for what happened. She said, 'I don't like it when Ms. Lori does that. She did it to Haley (her own daughter) last time I was with them and I didn't like it.' But I also understand my own culpability. I should have been firmer than I was up front. I can't believe, looking back, that I let that one go.

B

thanks for that.

Don't you hate that 20/20 hindsight? Screws you over every time.

And it sounds like your buddy has a crappy sense of humor. I mean, that prank isn't even funny, it's really quite weak. Any kid would find it upsetting. I can see, maybe, saying she didn't get her any and then producing it promptly in some funny way or perhaps calling it something else just to be silly. The idea of saying she didn't get it and then just leaving it at that, I mean, when was the reveal supposed to happen? I just don't get it. Even a little kid can understand that if you're laughing at someone who is crying, something is wrong. Even if tears were not part of it, the sentiment is the same. And you can tell her that if you like... Some mom on the internet thinks she has a sick sense of humor and further thinks that she needs to have her head x-rayed. Probably won't rattle her much but you can tell her.

I've done my best to explain acceptable pranks to my kids, seriously. Even funny ones. This is because I know myself, and their personalities, and know full well that some of the pranks other people take in stride would be disastrous around here. I take them very poorly, as do many members of extended family and my son especially. None of us has a clinical diagnosis of AS, but without a doubt, the hardcore practical joke is not for us.

What I've explained to my kids is that unless you know, really know, that a person is the sort to take a joke, don't do it. If the joke does not cause any harm or significant humiliation (let's face it, there's always a little putting one on the spot, it's a prank after all) and if it is not taken too far, say past noticing that the victim is not enjoying it, then it's still risky and that must be remembered.

I take the subject seriously (how ironic) because one of my pet peeves is the latent aggressive joke at someone's expense, especially considering the way the perpetrator has of making you look like a villain if you don't share their amusement. Let's all say it together, shall we? "Oh, come on. Don't be such a baby. It was only a joke." Great. You publicly humiliate me, and now you're mocking me for not laughing about it. Wow, I am so amused right now. There are jokes that in their nature and execution beg the question, "Are really just joking around with me? Because I'm getting a nasty vibe from this."

I have tried to show them that even though many people like to use the phrase "a harmless prank" there really are harmless pranks. On April Fool's Day, I put a paper towel note in the toilet water that said, "Oh, no! Not again!" and fastened a few balloons over each kid's door so that they'd fall when it opened. No one freaked out, because no one was ill-used. No one was mocked. No one was singled out.

I had to read your post a couple of times because I thought I was misunderstanding that this 'joke' played on your daughter was played by an adult....

I guess I didn't misunderstand it. An adult that goes out of their way to do that to a kid - ANY kid - is cruel. WTH is wrong with her?

If she'd done it for a second or two - pretended that she didn't have an ice cream for your daughter - but then made a big fuss about giving it to her - along with words like 'Oh Madison we could NEVER forget you!! !' that would be totally different. But using something like that to 'teach' your daughter about how cruel the world will be? That gal is a jerk. If she takes delight in playing mind games like that - on a kid, a kid she KNOWS has some issues, she would NOT be on my list of 'good friends'. Emotional and mental abuse is just as bad - sometimes worse - than physical abuse. You wouldn't allow some adult - friend or not - to hit your daughter, don't allow them to clobber her emotionally or mentally either.

You need to tell Madison you friend was WRONG for doing that - and that she (Madison) is NEVER forgotten and you also have to tell her how proud you are of the way she acted and interacted during that day. She needs to know she did everything right but a ignorant adult turned it around on her.

Then I'd make sure and tell the 'friend' - "If you E-V-E-R do something like that to MY child again - you will NOT be welcome in my home or in my life."

Yes, that. I went on some rant about practical jokes last night, shouldn't post that late. anyway, ditto oncebitten. There are enough upsetting events in life without having someone you should be able to trust mock you for their own amusement. A prank of that sort does smack of bullying and control. I've found that people who happily play the meanest pranks do it because they've got something irritating them and choose to take it out on people rather than deal with it.

We've had similar experiences with my dad. He loves surprises and jokes, even after all these years of having 3 out of 4 daughters, and now 2 grandsons who absolutely hate being surprised and teased. I don't hesitate anymore to step in and ruin the surprises, even if they are "nice" ones. But yes i have definitely been caught too late thinking that I shouldn't have let an incident go too.

We recently had a similar incident at my sons' b-day party. His best friend had bought him a cruddy, "joke" present to give him before the real, very nice present. (Why do people think this kind of stuff is funny!???) Luckily I got wind of it beforehand, and was able to take my son aside and let him in on what was about to happen, so he handled it beautifully, and was able to play along knowing it was just a joke. But if he hadn't of known, at best my son would have spent several really disappointed and confused moments, and at worst it could have caused a meltdown on what was already a day full of loads of sensory stress. (not a spoiled brat "why isn't my present better?" meltdown, but a hurt, confused "why would my friend who is supposed to know and like me give me this?")

Anyway, that sucks. Your friend was being a bit of a jerk. I hope she learned her lesson after the bad reaction she got (but it doesn't sound like it).

Not a friend. Her rationalization not withstanding, she is sadistic. I feel bad for Madison. She absolutely does not need to learn that people are going to play tricks on her. She will sadly learn that many people are rotten.

Ok, so I do kinda understand where your friend was coming from, but to leave it longer than say, 30 seconds was downright mean, diagnosis or not.

If you had told her if she didn't come with you she wouldn't get one, fair enough, because then the whole "oh but you DO have ice-cream!" bit would have been a nice surprise, but to promise something and then break it is heartbreaking for a small child.

Your "friend" was perpetrating an act of emotional abuse on your child and you as well. How could she possibly believe that disappointing a child is funny? How could she believe that going against your warnings was funny? Way too many emotional abusers (aka bullies) invalidate their target's outrage by calling it a "joke". You and your child were both the target of this bully.

I've been the target of way too many of these abusive attacks. It's hard to know just what to do about it as a child, but I wish a parent would have been able to point out that this kind of thing is a tactic that bullies and other emotionally abusive people use to make kids feel bad. It happens to adults too. People who do this may not realize their actions are abusive, but once told, should apologize and make every effort to never do it again. Your friend was told and disregarded your message. In my opinion that puts her in the category of intentional emotional abuser.

The best thing you can do for your child is help her recognize these kinds of "jokes" for what they are. Hopefully, she won't marry one. Emotional abuse does a lot of damage.