Were you reluctant to become a parent?

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My husband has just been diagnosed with AS and ADHD. He is of course smart, funny, talented, and very affectionate. I want to start a family, but he is, how shall I say, not into it. He understands, intellectually, that having kids is an investment of time and energy (your return is the joy of that bond/close relationship), but even so, he doesn't seem willing to make any of those sacrifices. He says he doesn't want to change his "lifestyle." Now, we are not crazy partiers or anything. He is a PhD student (age 41) and I'm a fashion designer and writer (NT). To complicate matters, an ex-girlfriend of his had his child six years ago after they broke up. Initially he visited regularly and felt bonded with the child, but as relations with the ex deteriorated (she wouldn't let him be alone with the child, wanted to get back together, made disparaging comments about him to the child, etc), he threw out the baby with the bath water, as they say, and has not seen his son in 4 years. This was all pre-diagnosis. He says that his previous experiences have not made him gun shy about parenting, but I think otherwise.

I feel like the biggest problem is that he doesn't have the ability to comprehend or project the feelings he could have as a parent, and that he can only see the negative changes to our lives (lack of sleep, less spontaneity, financial burdens, etc). He is well able to recognize that his AS parents and uncles have all led lives of unfulfilled dreams, loneliness, and depression, and can see that it's because they were afraid of change and were scared to take risks in life. But he can't seem to take a leap of faith that I will support him as an AS parent and won't assign him NT expectations.

Anything anyone can share about this issue of being reluctant to have kids would help me understand my husband, whom I love very much. I don't want to pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to do, but I also don't want him to miss out on an experience I firmly believe he will love.

If he has already abandoned one child why do you think he will not do so again? From what you describe above, having children with this man will likely be a disaster. Someone will come along in a few moments and disagree with me though.

Well midlife aspie your replies have always made good sense and I can't help agreeing with this one too. I do fully understand changela as many would the desire to have children, but if your husband isn't keen and strongly so that doesn't bode well.
I think if people say they don't want children you really have to believe them.
You say you don't want him to miss out on an experience you firmly believe he will love, well it reads more like you don't want to miss out on an experience YOU would love.
I don't have any answers though only you have my full sympathy. I was with a man who wasn't crazy about the idea of children and now I'm bringing up a child alone. As it turns out he wasn't great husband material but that's another story!

This is a BIGGIE!! !!

My DH had 3 kids as a teen which was a nightmare and he failed miserably at it. This left huge fear of failure and the feeling that he didn't want kids. We got married when he was 40 and had changed his life signifigantly from when he'd had the kids 20+ years prior.

Before we married (important) I told him that I would have a child and that he shouldn't marry me if he couldn't accept that. He said OK even though he had the same issues as you describe with your DH. After three years of marriage, I said it was time. He said - just deal with it, I will never say yes, but when it happens it happens.

We now have two boys 15 (NT) and 11 (AS) - they are the joy of DHs life. He regularly thanks me for "making" him have kids. While DH isn't dxd as anywhere on the Autism spectrum, I will say that he has issues that prevent him from parenting or partnering as an NT would. He wouldn't do well with the kids on his own and has some very real limitations. These did not magically go away.

However, since I am doing all of the "heavy lifting" in the family - he is thrilled that we have the boys and often says he can't imagine his life without them.

I think that this is an issue that no one should be expected to compromise on. People that really don't want kids shouldn't have them, people that do should. I would have left the marriage if we couldn't have come together on this.

Honestly, I'd be really scared to have a child with someone who doesn't have a relationship with their child and is saying that they don't want another!!

If this is something that is important to you, you can try to work with him on it. I would be seeking some couples counselling before getting pregnant for sure! I hope I'm not being too blunt. It's just that I know that the stress of having children is really insane. I imagine that your husband WOULD bond with the child and WOULD Be happy to have them in his life, but I'd work out some things before moving ahead.

Sorry if I am being too direct, but you didn't mention how old you were. My heart really does go out to you. Too bad your husband did not tell you this before you got married. I broke off a relationship with someone that I truly loved because he said he did not want children. It was very painful for me. Then I was single for many many years before I met my husband. I met him when I was 37 and we got married when I was 39. I wasn't even sure if I could still have children, but I know that if my husband would have said he wasn't willing to try, then I would have not married him. But, by the grace of God, I got pregnant and had my son at 40. Turns out my son is on the spectrum. My husband and I both ADORE him, but raising him thus far has not been a cake walk. It has been a struggle and there have been some rough times.

My husband is not diagnosed with anything, but he definitely exhibits many AS traits. I don't think it would be enough to get a diagnosis, but sometimes it does interfere with his communication abilities (especially on how to raise our son)

I wish I had the answer for you. I just know that if you have a STRONG desire for children, this is going to be tough. I guess it just depends on how much you want this. If you are willing to express to him how important this is to you, and just accept that if you do have a child, it will be challenging. Especially if the child has AS.

I didn't know a thing about autism before having our kids, so it wasn't a decision to make. If I knew it could be genetic then I would probably be more cautious and would probably have just one kid instead of two.

I do think you should seek some counseling with him about this issue. Unless you're OK with doing most of the parenting yourself and him being non-participating.

This is a natural question to ask, but his first child was from an emotionally abusive relationship that only lasted about nine or ten months. The mother, although I know she treats her son with great care, was an absolute horror. When my husband and I started dating, she recognized me from seeing photos of me online and assaulted me at a bar. She beat me so badly I needed x-rays of my face to make sure it wasn't broken. Yes, he "abandoned" his child, but after two years of trying to negotiate with a completely unreasonable person. He pays fairly hefty child support ($650 a month), considering we have a shared income of 23k a year.

He and I have been together for over six years, and we have a very sound relationship. So while of course there are no guarantees that he won't do a runner, the circumstances are so different that I think the chances of it are small. I'm 37, by the way, so my biological clock, as it were, is screaming!

I want to thank everyone for their replies. When my husband and I decided to get married (and move overseas, but that's another story), our stance on it was that I was leaning towards not wanting kids, but I wasn't sure, and he was pretty sure he didn't want kids but that it was "negotiable." We are living in Ireland because he's from here originally (lived in the US for 14 years and is now a dual citizen), and we look after his elderly parents and uncle. I have sacrificed a LOT to be here, but despite living on practically no income, the dreary weather, and being away from my friends and family back home, we have a nice life here. However I really feel like I deserve this concession, as big as it is, first of all because of the sacrifices I've made for the relationship, but also because I have realistic expectations of what his contribution will be. I don't expect him to be like an NT dad. (And I don't expect our kids to be NT either!)

I think about that bond he had with his son before everything went horribly wrong, and it gives me hope. So right now we are negotiating, but I have to do it in spaced-out intervals because he can't deal with talking about it for more than 20 minutes every couple of weeks. I use an IUD so there's no chance of an "oops" pregnancy or anything like that -- I definitely wouldn't make that decision without my husband on board. I guess I am just looking for hope in stories of AS parents who were reluctant, but came around. But the horror stories are good to hear too because I need to go into it with my eyes open!

Hmm well horror isn't quite the word I'd use though I get what you 're trying to say. Btw I live in Ireland too and services for as kids are how shall we say.... Well non existant is putting it generously. But anyway, you may well not need them as there's just as much chance you ll have nt kids so all the best!

I've got a couple different things for you to think about.

Maybe an AS can give an opinion about this point and see if my thinking has merit as I am NT

First off with my son no one would be able to change his opinion about something he felt so strongly about with out the help of an impartial 3rd party.
My son hates to talk about himself and hates conversations were he has to talk about his feelings. I was told this is common with AS. If my son feels strongly enough to talk about a personal matter then his opinion is pretty firm about the issue. Sometimes what he feels is wrong and then it leads to problems. In trying to address some of these things he feels strongly about I have found it to be a pretty big struggle, one that took time and the help of a counselor.
It's his feelings and there have been times we can't get him to see it differently or change his mind. Some times it ends up causing a lot of problems: avoiding us, not wanting to even talk about other subjects with us, fighting us in other areas of his life, etc.
We then have to decide the importance of the issue. Will his life be at risk due to the opinion, will it increase the issues he already has with peers, will his opinion make him fail in school, etc. If all the things we think about are answered with a No then he is entitled to his opinion and how he wants to live his life.

The other big issue is
some of the things we do get him to change his opinion on will come up time and time again. Maybe a different reason or situation but it is based on the same opinion we thought he had "changed his mind" on. Not something you want when a baby is involved.

Another thing you will have to think about is not so much if you will have an AS or NT child but how having this specific AS Dad will affect the child.
In this point I don't mean physical abuse but how well does your husband hide his emotions and thoughts. Will the child be able to see and "feel" the possible resentment to the changes in Dad's life and other negative feelings that might come along with all this.
The last point is based on some of the things you said in both posts. If you were my sister or best friend I would give you this advice.
For now stop trying to change his mind on the children issue. First get some personnel counseling for yourself. A counselor can help you understand your husband and AS better, help you work through some of the feelings you are going through and then if you still feel strongly about this you should seek couples counseling to work through the issue.

I sincerely wish you luck on this journey

This is probably too personal, but maybe you and he could decide together for you to go off of birth control and then leave it in God's hands. It can be difficult to get pregnant after 35 to begin with, so if you did get pregnant, it would be a true gift from God! I am glad you are being realistic about the future. Like I said before, my heart goes out to you. If your husband said it was "negotiable", then I would definitely keep talking to him about it! Best of luck to you!

well, angelbear, that would be a lot easier if either of us believed in God. I do get what you're saying, but we're still a bit away from my husband agreeing to that yet.

Last edited by changela on 15 Jan 2011, 6:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah. When you talk to me about issues or problems or solutions regarding me, leave god out of it, I'm an atheist and I find it offensive when you even bring him up. I don't need to hear that religion stuff.

I think that of you replaced the word God with science, you would be able to hear the meaning of the post.

Didn't mean to offend anyone, but if you can express your views as an atheist, I think it is only fair that I can express mine about God.

Last edited by angelbear on 16 Jan 2011, 1:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.