Dating & Adolescence

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My 16 year old son, who has high-functioning autism, goes out of his way to find girls that he can communicate with on a regular basis. Most of these girls have lots of issues, mainly around abusive relationships or appropriate boundaries. These girls 'cling' to him, and in his own words... he 'counsels' them so that they will make good choices and stay safe.

I have a hard time with this. I want him to communicate with friends that he can develop healthy relationships with. I don't like the idea of him having so many 'unbalanced' relationships where the other person looks up to him. I've expressed this to him on many occasions.

The other day he left his email open, and it had a full page of Google chat up. I read it, and while some of you may think that was a violation of his privacy, I was immediately concerned with the way he talks to these girls... specifically this one girl. He was talking down to her, telling her he was the one who could keep her safe, and making himself out to be like her 'savior'. His communication with her was passive-aggressive and controlling. It actually hurt me to read what he was writing to her.

I did confront him about it, and told him that I was very concerned. He said he thought that his email was perfectly fine and that there was nothing wrong with it. I told him that it crossed the line of sounding emotionally abusive, and that he could end up contributing to this girls negative experiences with males in her life.

Do any of you other parents of teens with this diagnosis worry or deal with these kinds of relationship & communication issues? What have you done to help them learn to communicate better?

I may have him go through some communication classes, and also consider limiting his contact with these girls, if he doesn't figure this out.

If you encase him in a plastic bubble you might prevent him from ever contracting a cold or the flu or breathing impure air as well.


Perhaps you'd prefer his communications with these girls were all about freaky unprotected sex. Actually, it seems odd that at 16, they're not.


The only problem I see is that he's just as arrogant and self righteous about believing he has the answers to put everyone's life in balance as his mother is.


Why not try minding your own business and letting him live his own life? You can't protect your two-years-from-legal-adult baby forever.

A) He is my business
B) If his mother had all the answers she wouldn't be posting here
C) Hopefully you're not the standard example of a warm & friendly welcome here

Anyone else have any suggestions? I'm interested in finding out if other parents of children that have been diagnosed here have enrolled them in communication or social skills classes that have helped with developing healthy relationships as teens.

Thank you.

PS. He's one of five children, four still living at home. They each have their own challenges and strengths. The other kids are involved in youth groups, and other extra-curricular activities. We live on a farm, and all the kids are active. However this one prefers not to go to youth group, join any social clubs, go to events, or invite friends over. He just sticks with this small group of friends (girls) that *need* his advice, and gets so caught up in their drama that he lets go of his own priorities, like school. I feel if he had friends that he had healthier relationships with, it would compliment his life, rather than complicate it.

It's just online so who cares.

I don't, that's why I'm still asking for suggestions, five posts later.

Anyone?

No, that isn't typical. I do not believe either of the answers you have received so far have come from fellow parents. The more mature answers come later in the day as other parents get off work in the states. My son is only two so I can't really offer anything from experience, but I completely understand what you are saying. I'll be watching this thread to see what advice comes your way.

Hi! I know I'm not a parent but I went through a similiar phase when I was his age. I unfortunatly attracted quite a large number of unstable girls who were very clingy. I did enjoy the attention (having had next to none from "peers" in the past) and I really wanted to help the girls I was involved with. It didn't turn out well frankly but this something he needs to figure out on his own and he'll begin to seek out more stable relationships. The only thing I can suggest is to monitor the relationships as quietly as you can and only intervene if it becomes abusive. I know people think online abuse doesn't hurt but if its a large part of your social life it can be just as devestating.

I agree with Avengilante here. You, ma'am, seem to have a bit of an ownership attitude, so my sympathy for you is very limited. Your son is 16, which means he's only two years away from being a legal adult, and then what? How do you plan to keep him under your control? Will it be financially? Emotionally? Some other way I haven't thought of? No need to answer that...

Still, I can see something just isn't right about the way your son is approaching romantic relationships. But in his defense, what choice does he have? He's been wanting a girlfriend since puberty kicked in. And like a lot of aspies/HFA's, he's been struggling with it, failing time and time again. So now, at the age of 16, when he's finally getting some attention from girls, are you really expecting him to not jump at the chance? The "savior" approach is simply the only method he knows. Granted, it's attracting basket cases, to put it bluntly, but to any frustrated 16-year-old guy, it's better than no girls at all. (By the way, has anything happened, like a kiss, or is it just conversations? And if conversations, online or in real life?)

Frankly, I don't think those girls are as vulnerable as you're portraying them. I'd say they're smarter than you give them credit for. I don't exclude the possibility that your son's attempt to counsel the girls is genuine. It looks like they're just wasting his time, but it could be worse. Trust me, I played around with the "savior" approach a little bit (mostly online) when I was in high school, and it never worked for me. I graduated without having gone out on a single date, in or out of school. So if you're still concerned about those girls, the approach won't work for your son, either.

If anything, you should point out to your son that the attention those girls are giving him is not romantic or sexual. A guy who plays therapist is not sexually desirable; I learned that the hard way. (Think about it: did your husband act like therapist or a lover when you first met him?) Those girls are friend-zoning your son left and right (hey, you said "friends"), pouring their souls out to him, then going back to their jerk boyfriends for you-know-what. That's what you should warn him about, not the "wrongfulness" of the only way he knows to meet girls.

It will take time, maybe even years, for you son to realize what I just wrote here. But once he does, he'll change his ways, let Jesus (or whoever) be the savior for the troubled girls he meets, and find a girl who genuinely likes him for his character. The downside, is that it won't happen soon. The upside, it is possible. And finally, it might be best if you let your son's father, uncle, grandfather, older brother, or another adult male handle the role of teaching him about meeting girls. They were teenage guys once, so they'll understand your son's situations better.

Ive had some very serious issues with my older kids and I can tell you that one of the things Ive learned is that I cant teach them some of this stuff, they have to figure it out on their own. I know its really hard to let our kids fall especially when they have special needs and we are used to giving them a hand up. My very young adult Aspie daughter was in a relationship with a very emotionally abusive guy. I tried to intervene at first but found that this only drove her to him more. I finally, much to the shock of some of my family and friends, let her go. She moved in with him and after a few months came back home and now has nothing to do with him. It was hard and I was worried constantly but she did figure it out, on her own!

i am a fellow parent, and i too would be alarmed at this behavior. in this day and age, trying to raise sons into responsible decent men can be a hard and confusing thing. i would be very concerned to see my son, epecially one so close to adulthood, exhibiting the kind of controlling, condescending behavior towards females that you describe. and if he is indeed seeking out these girls who are in tumultuous relationships, that would make me even more leery. whether he is simply looking for girls who are open to talking to a male as a friend, or whether he is intentionally looking for emotionally vulnerable girls who already show a history of inappropriate relationships, i cant discern from here, but if its the latter, it is definitely a cause for concern.

unfortunately, i have no concrete advice for you. i think you are correct to consider social skills or communication classes, especially if you can find one that can put a little focus on what healthy adult relationships look like. often learning these things from outside sources can go down a little easier. aspie1 did have a good suggestion with bringing an adult male into the conversation, but i would extend the topic to more than meeting girls. a trusted male adult role model who can talk to him about appropriate behavior and communication in relationships would be a good thing, but if you dont have that available, its something you will have to do on your own.

btw, i, too, occassionally go through my sons emails or chats, and keep tabs on what he is doing on facebook. like i told him last week, his life is an open book to me. i think the amount of privacy we can give is really determined by the personality of the child, and my son is 14, very naive, overly trusting, and often shows problems interpreting others' motives. i had to talk to him last week about why we dont just "friend" on facebook a 34 yr old man we dont know just because he sent a friend request and is friended with another friend, when friending him gives him access to your pictures, address, phone number, age, etc. even after talking about it, he still doesnt see why i consider it unsafe or unacceptable.

I suppose I was "luckier" than most of the kids on here. When I was in high school, internet was very new, soo it simply never occurred to my parents to keep tabs on my internet activity. They were very strict in many other ways, but internet is one thing they "forgot about".

Now, like the OP's son, I was desperate for a girlfriend, and since finding one in school was out of the question (I was not popular at all), I turned to the internet for that. I encouraged girls to open up to me and talk to me, misguidedly thinking that playing the therapist would get them to like me. Needless to say, that only stuck me into an online friend zone; not what I was going for. On a handful of occasions, I was able to get as far as scheduling a date, but as luck would have it, one wrong phrase (verbal faux pas, that is) completely obliterated months of effort.

I'm bothered by the fact that parents on here are more concerned about girls they never even met than about their own sons. I already mentioned this in my last post: girls do not like guys who try to be their therapist or savior; that's just a Disney fantasy idea that's been done to death. So your fears about your son somehow "corrupting" those girls are unfounded. They simply won't feel attracted to him, and nothing will happen except a big honkin' friend zone. Also, how sure are you of those girls' vulnerability? They may appear that way to your son and to you, but they could easily have the street smarts to string him along into doing dangerous things. There are two sides to every story, you know.

Now, I'm not defending the son's action by any means. But I look at them from a different angle. I see him being foolish and misguided, rather than the monster you present him to be. As a former teenage guy, I can safely say that he's acting out of desperation, not manipulation.

I think that one reason you're getting confusing replies is that your post isn't very specific. I think some parents are reading this and thinking of these very specific signs of an abusive relationship: http://teenadvice.about.com/library/wee ... 61002a.htm , and the young people who were recently teens, or who've been through something similar are reading it and assuming your son is just struggling to communicate. From what you've written, it's really difficult to discern which might be the case.

Could you be more specific about what was upsetting to you in this particular conversation? Did he seem to be trying to isolate this young woman socially, or insult her, or threaten her? Or was he just offering advice in a somewhat clumsy way?

i dont think thats the case at all. its perfectly reasonable to be concerned that your child is treating someone poorly, not because you are more concerned about the other person, but because that means that YOU didnt do YOUR job of parenting your child and teaching them how to treat people, or because your child is developing beliefs and behaviors that directly go against your own beliefs.

what if he was showing behavioral traits of a bully, psychologically torturing another asd child, instead of emotionally manipulating vulnerable girls? would that still be looked at as innocently? they are both similar behaviors.

i would be devastated and crushed should any of my sons grow up to be a bully or abusive. i want my children to be people i like and respect, and i am afraid i would not be able to do that if they acted in such a manner. love them regardless, yes, like and respect them, no.

I agree with you completely, and at the same time understand why those without children of their own cannot understand where you (and I) are coming from. Until they have had kids of their own they are only going to be able to relate to the OP's son and see things from his perspective. Of course, that is not what the OP was looking for by posting in the Parent's Discussion forum. Had she wanted the opinions of those in her son's position she would have posted in the Dating forum.