Don't feeling familiar with my family

Post Reply New Topic

as a young boy, till I became 7 or 8, I loved my mother more than everything else.
but when I found that she actually wasn't really sane in her brain and couldn't think rational I lost my respect and my feelings about her.
since then until now my family meant nothing more to me than my feeder and breeder, they gave me housing and sustained me with food and money. is it normal for aspergians to have a relation to their family like to every other person on earth?

is it normal that I have an universal control about my primary feelings like rage, sadness, love and disappointment?
it doesn't feel right somehow, but when I look at other people who are that driven by instinct and have no real self because of that and additionally they suffer because of things that have no meaning just because of their mental sickness that produces sorrow or violence, I think I can be very lucky. Even if my mother has great troubles with that I don't wan't to socialize with her though her messy-syndrom and her destructive egocentric acting, now that I finally live alone my life has improved in a way I couldn't imagine before.
my father actually doesn't believe in mental disorders. away from that he seems to be a nice person. a good friend maybe. but yeah, nothing but a friend to me. a friend who buys me expensive things and lives in the same house as I do.
I won't be sad of one of them would die. neither my sister. I never cared about her.

just wanted to know if it's the same with you and what of it is caused by the aspergers syndrom and what not implicit.
thank you

I am similar indeed. Except I would probably care if a sibling died, none of them have died so I wouldn't know. I think of my family as irrational, illogical, impatient creatures, I reach out to people outside my family before I consider talking to them. I haven't moved out but I dream and fantasize about it everyday, I don't think I would miss anybody if I did move out.

Maybe all of it is Aspergers but I'm not really one to answer that, was just saying that I'm similar, especially if someone is self centered or egocentric, I lose all respect for them.

thanks for your feedback. that's absolutely what I meant.
you should really try hard to get away from them, life improves very much!
you will know how much the presence and the acting of them has restricted you in every aspect of your life when you once live without them and socialise just with people you want to socialise with. good luck.

Oh, I wish for nothing more! I get a glimpse of what it would be like if I live alone when everybody leaves the house, it is amazing! I get so pissed off when they come back home though.

I've been curious why you choose the parenting board to make this post ... The idea that my kids would ever see me as you do is about my worst nightmare. We love our kids unconditionally and give them practically every last once of our ability and energy, and that is what they might want to throw back at us, how they might come to see us? If there was something your parents did to earn it, I could understand that you meant it to be a cautionary tale, but you haven't really suggested there was anything they could have done differently to change things ... Are you regretting that you feel this way and hope we have suggestions??? Like I said, I'm confused why you've posted on parenting, the one board where parents come to talk about the challenges of raising kids, and you have the perfect audience to scare and hurt a lot of people ... Or was it a simple sorting thing to you, if you're talking about parents, that should go where the word "parents" is, and it never occurred to you who the audience would end up being? I think understanding the "why" of your choice could be part of the answer you seek ...

Thanks for clarifying. I do know that some families can be toxic, and then there is no choice but to separate from them ... but it makes me sad. I can only do my best to not be that (toxic) for my child. There are no guarantees.

I can relate to Awes

When you grow up with a parent who is, well, emotionally driven, you kinda learn to control your own emotions very early on as a coping mechanism. It is also likely that Awes, like myself, has a somewhat introverted thinking style like INTJ or INTP (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_type if your not familiar with that terminology). And when you combine a unstable childhood with that sort of personality, you tend to wind up becoming detached.

It isn't really anything to do with Asperger's Syndrome (other than INTJ being the most common personality type), it is more so a reaction to the toxic home environment. Some people cope by detaching (like Awes or myself). Some people cope by losing emotional objectivity, which usually results in Borderline Personality Disorder (common in women who come from abusive childhoods). Some people become depressed, and some people just redirect their hurt into anger and become bullies.

Overall, as long as you aren't abusing your child I don't think you have to worry about them becoming detached and considering you as just another person instead of a parent. The way I like to think of it is simple. If you treat your children like a parent should, then they will treat you like a parent. If you treat your children poorly, then they will not consider you a worthwhile parental figure.

So, yeah, I think this is the wrong forum, but I wouldn't worry about your children abandoning you unless you drive them away.

thank you, Tracker

Don't like gay marriages? Don't get one.. Don't like cigarettes? Don't smoke them.. Don't like abortions? Don't get one.. Don't like sex? Don't have it.. Don't like drugs? Don't do them.. Don't like porn? Don't watch it.. Don't like alcohol? Don't drink it.. Don't like guns? Don't buy one.. Don't like your rights taken away??? Don't take away someone elses!!

As a parent do not force upon them your views, you know what happens when you tell them not to look at porn or whatever else? When they do eventually look at it or do the thing you object to then the kids think they are the devil, that's how paranoia is born. Do not constantly check up on your kid; see if his lights are off or on, asleep or awake, tell him to clean his room (It's his room! Let him learn!), constantly checking up on your kid and controlling when and how they do everything according to you, that's how SPD is born. When you ask your child a question and they look down, do not do this: "Look at me when I'm talking to you!", did it ever occur to you that they are thinking about what to say? It's like we get taught how to not find our answers, it's insane! So then your kid will give you a rushed answer, and later regret the decision, that's how regret is born.

Sometimes you don't have immediately correct your child, I'm 17 and I finally told my parents to back off, I am just now starting to learn when it is a good time to clean my room or when not to play video games or when to eat! My parents control everything that I do, it's up to me to clean the house and so everything I do or didn't do gets blamed on me, the finger is fixed on me 24/7. Now that my parents have slightly laid off just a fraction from my life it is easier to think and I don't feel so trapped, just that little bit has helped me quite a bit already, once I move out and there is not parents or anything, the sky is the limit.

Try to be smart as a parent too, I am the 11th child and I'm probably going to be the first to finish my high school education, all my brothers got a job, a wive, a car and a home when they were 16, my moms controlling personality and my dads hand of God that grips tighter and tighter made them all want to get out of there as soon as possible, I know because they told me and I'm smart enough to notice it myself. Now all that is focused on me, I'll be lucky if I'm not brain dead by the end of this year. My family is ignorant and I need to detach myself from it.

EGGREGUYOUS, I think I've got nothing to add. I don't know if it's better to be the only one controlled by one mother and one father (they never cared about my sister, surely that's sad too) or to be one of 11 generations compressed into one mothers life...
my mother always knew everything about me. she knew when I went to bed, when I fell asleep, when I said something to my uncle or grandmother or even father whom I see twice a week, and then we moved out to a suburb where I didn't even had access to people I could trust without taking a traintrip of an hour. now she screams at me, cries and calls me an as*hole because I left her. she sais I ruined her life. In fact I'm really frightened of her. she exactly knows how to sabotage my life when she thinks I deserve it. this week she came into my flat without announcing (she's got a key) just for yelling and crying. when I offered her to take a seat and calm down she just said again I'd ruin her life and what she did for me that I don't regard. In fact she buys food with my fathers money and twice a month washed my clothes in the washing machine my father bought. our whole flat was dumping ground. since I'm away it gets even worse. I'm so sorry about my father who could easily buy himself another flat but still seems to believe in her. at least he works in another city 5 days a week.

and she's by far not the only one who's egocentric, silly and mentally sick. such people make otherones lifes much worse though they are unhappy themselves. shouldn't they at least get excuded from society? what reason on earth do they have to be?

Awes, I understand your frustration (believe me). But I don't think that the parent's here on the forum are the best people to rant to. If you would like to continue this post, I recommend either the general forum or the haven forum.

I've always felt the same. I was adopted but I never thought that was the cause. I love my pet lizard more than anyone in the world.