Denial and OT

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I have long suspected my first-grader has Asperger's, but my husband is dead set that he doesn't. Recently, we found out that he organizes the supply bucket at school, is "policing" his classmates to make sure they follow the rules, is having problems with a bully that he keeps trying to play with anyway, and is having problems holding his pencil. Still, no one at school is putting two and two together. I feel that I can't tell his school what I think is causing all this, because then my husband will think I put the idea in the teacher's head (which is what I'd be doing because she's clueless!) and that actually our son is fine. Oh, and last night our son got frustrated with a video game and started smacking himself in the face as hard as he could. But there's no issue.
Anyway, his teacher has said if he doesn't get better with the pencil pretty soon, she'll ask the OT to help him out. I've also noticed he's the worst scissor-user in the class, but she didn't mention that.
So, I guess I'm asking what I can expect when the OT comes into the picture. Also, any anecdotes/advice about the hubby in denial? I have printed out information about Asperger's for him and forced him to read it, but all he said was, "He only has half of these symptoms".

Has your husband said, "There's nothing wrong with him, he's just like I was as a kid?" If your son is a lot like your husband, your husband may be in denial about your son because of what it might say, not only about his son, but about himself. It happens. If you can manage to reassure your husband that your concern for your husband is borne of worry about how your son will deal with the demands of the school environment, and not because of anything you see as intrinsically "defective" about your son. If you convey that you appreciate and enjoy your son's unique and quirky nature, but recognize that the school might not, it may help your husband come around ... or it may not.

Depending on your husband's school experience, he also might be concerned that identifying your son would be only a negative. Laws have changed since you and he were in school, and consequently, so have the services provided to students (assuming you are in the States). Also, much more is understood about how to support children in school and in daily life. If your husband's resistance is based on a perspective that either there's no point in having your son diagnosed because there's nothing to be gained by it, or even worse, that it could hurt him, he may need to hear about the benefits that a diagnosis could bestow.

If your husband has no objection to your son getting OT support for his fine motor issues, the OT might pave the way for further evaluation. Then she can be the "bad guy," instead of you.

I had to deal with something so very similar. My first and foremost goal - get my child the help she needed. The label and level of acceptance was irrelevent as long as she was getting the support her challenges needed. If the teacher and your husband agree that your son probably needs some OT help to correct his grip and scissor use then by all means get that in place as fast as possible. Ignore using a label for now and get him into some sort of services. Chances are, that once he is under the guidance of a trained therapist - his other difficulties will hopefully become clearer to him/her. And they can begin the ball rolling in recommending evaluations and further testing if warranted. So why wait? Ask the teacher to recommend him now - before he gets any further behind in his skills. You can share your other concernes with the therapist and ask them to watch for what you are seeing as well. Again, keep the label out of the conversation.

About the hubby - mine was in denial even though our daughter had been in therapy since she was 3 1/2. We didn't have a formal dx - and he and his family were dead set against it. He just didn't want there to anything 'wrong' with his daughter. The family was upset over the 'labelling', embarrassed by the stigma of being 'special ed'. I was always on my daughter therapists to be forward and somewhat aggressive with whatever they thought she needed. Without a dx, I was relying on their expertise. They did such a good job actually that we had trouble getting her school to believe that she had anything more going on. My daughter started therapy at 3 1/2 - she was dx'd at 8 yo with Asperger's and ADD much to the shock and suprise of her father, his family and the school. I was just relieved that finally we were all on the same page. Her 504 turned into an IEP again - a few more services were added - mainly social skills. Persevere. If recommendations come from specialists, my husband was much more inclined to take it seriously even if that specialist said the exact same things I'd been saying all along.

In the meantime, there are lots of great threads here with recommendations on how to handle specific issues and behaviors - like smacking himself. There is no reason you can't put those tips, tricks and strategies into place now. They are simply an ASD approach to correcting troubling behaviors. It's not as if they will hurt him if he is NT - they just won't work the same! I had been using ASD learning strategies all along - even taught them to my husband to help correct behaviors without telling him the details he wasn't ready to hear. The label really is irrelevent as long as your son is getting the help he needs. A dx will smooth the path and help target therapy later down the road. Having a united mom and dad - on the same page - is one of strengths that will make your son's therapy successful. If Dad needs time to ease into that, then work with it as best you can until he reaches acceptance. I'm not sure you can force acceptance on anyone. I know the urge to get it all done NOW is overwhelming. But you can still move forward and get your son the help he needs while gently coaxing everyone else along. It takes the patience of saint. It took me 5 full years. But, you'll get there.

Stay strong mom!

Just FYI, it seems that a lot of kids that I would assume could be diagnosed AS go into the process and are determined not to have it; it seems it is possible to have many of the behaviors of AS while not having the key social signal impairments. There can be a very fine line there but without the label, you don't get much from the schools.

We started with an OT evaluation on my son's writing issues and all that led to for us was an ergonomics report. Recognition something was off, but until he had a condition "on the list," I was told, there wasn't anything further they could do. At that point the writing was so problematic that I requested a full special education evaluation in hopes of finding something on the list. The rest is history.

I understand, however, that a child can at least get 504 accommodations if you get a diagnosis of disgraphia, hyper-mobility or hypotonia (all related). Accommodations, but no services. To get services, you need a condition on the list.

Many parents struggle with the labels, and worry if their kids will get teased. And the answer there is ... It depends. I think you should talk about those fears with your husband and then talk with other families until you have a feel for how these labels play out in your school and community. That may alleviate the fears, or validate them, but it helps to know either way.

I have some fine motor exercises and pencil grip movies on my free YouTube Austic Kids Channel, if you want to try stuff yourself at home.

I have a 7-year-old with classic autism who had severe pencil grip issues. I tried working with him and tried hiring a nanny to work with him. Then we just did the OT provided by the insurance company. Then we went to one OT session a week plus incorporation of OT into his 3X weekly private ABA. We did this for several months, and this is what finally worked. (At one point, the occupational therapist predicted that he would have to go to keyboarding--that grip couldn't be fixed. However, with enough work, it was.) Good luck!

Another thing that didn't work was that the special ed teacher did at least part of the "Handwriting Without Tears" program immediately after I first requested an evaluation by a school district occupational therapist. (Instead of the eval, they started the program.) This program works for some people, though, and you can buy the materials and do it at home (or have someone, such as a private ABA therapist or tutor) do the program with your child. My private occuapational therapist speculated that the special education teacher might not have completed all of the exercises with my son. So maybe if every exercise in this program had been completed, it would have worked better.

We also used various grip devices purchased from Lakeshore Learning (we just bought a couple of each style to try out) and even tried a hand weight that we got from a physical therapy website. We ended up having a lot of success with a grip that the ABA therapist made--an occupational therapist friend showed her how to make a grip using elastic headbands and a small toy that my son had to keep in his hand while he held the pencil.

Gripping the pencil in the correct form was painful and frustrating for my son. The grip had to be corrected constantly. My son had a whole lot of anxiety during the process--lots of crying and angry outburst. He had to receive rewards and breaks for doing as he was asked.

Thanks, everyone. My son is using a "gripper" at school to help him hold the pencil, but his writing is still shaky. His teacher says they borrowed the device from the pre-school class, which is a little mortifying.
I have mentioned to my husband that when the OT starts working with our son he/she may suggest evaluating him for Asperger's, and he agreed that we should have him evaluated in that situation. So at least he's coming around a little. He is afraid the school will force our son into a special ed classroom. I don't see why they would do that, as he does very well on his schoolwork and isn't having tantrums or majorly disrupting the class.

Try not to be mortified by the possible fact that the grip was borrowed from the pre-school class. All that means is that the teacher knew that there was one classroom that was well equipped. Grips are used by students of varying ages, and OT's have them for all the kids they work with who need them. There are lots of different kinds of grips, depending on the kind of grip issues the child has, so most OT's have a whole bunch of different kinds to figure out what kind a particular child needs. My son used one through elementary school, and was using a keyboard for anything more than very brief written work.

As to your husband's concerns, most schools are under pressure to keep more students in the general population, so unless there are significant problems in the classroom, it is unlikely that your school will push to place him in a segregated setting. Also, any such change would require either your consent, or that they win at a due process hearing if you withhold your consent.

jat is right, US public schools are geared towards keeping kids mainstreamed as much as possible. Special ed classrooms are typically reserved for kids who really are not able to be in the mainstream classroom for much or any of the day. All kinds of kids need some type of therapy, like speech or OT. Schools provide these services all the time and generally try to do it without making the individual kids feel singled out.