Exposing AS kids to experiences - How much is too much ?

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It is widely accepted that exposing AS kids to new experiences is part of their training and helps them develop adequate coping mechanisms. But where do we cross the red line ?

I have a 5 yo daughter with high-functioning autism and we are now in the process of introducing her to sports activities, not having in mind to make her a world-class athlere but basically to keep her healthy, busy and give her chances to meet other kids.
Last winter, we asked her if she would like to go to gymnastics and she was very excited about it. We searched for the most suitable class and she started attending one 3 times a week.
From the beginning we realised that she could not follow the trainer's instructions 100% , although the exercises themselves were not difficult but the problem was that the trainer did not spend that extra time required to show and explain each individual excercise to my daughter (there were 6-7 other kids in the team and all followed ok). We explained to the trainer that our daughter needs a bit more extra time to understand what is going on and she seemed to accept that. However, gradually, our daughter started not enjoying the class until we reached a day where she started crying and shouting in the middle of the class. Obviously, we stopped attending and about a month ago we started swimming classes (she is doing ok there - at least the trainers there show that extra patience and care my daughter needs). The thing is now that my daughter doesn't even want to hear about gymnastics. She felt so stressed and anxious there that after 6 months from stopping that class, she bursts into tears when we even talk about it.

Therefore, sometimes I wonder: To what extent we must push our kids into new experiences ?
What do we do if we have a hint beforehand that our kid may not enjoy or cope well with what we plan them to do ?
Do we proceed nevertheless and hope that they will "survive" ?
Shall we always explain to others about our special condition and that our kids require a little bit more extra time, attention and care ?

Autism is a lot about trial and error but I am sure there is a red line to it !

every thought, suggestion and advice very welcome
Pinco.

It's a thin line, I agree. The ideal is where they're struggling a little bit but staying calm about it. As soon as you see the stress start to build, something needs to change.

I'm taking karate, first physical activity I've taken in years. It's very difficult for me and I really seem to need the right sensei to do it, but in some ways it's perfectly suited to my difficulties because even the black belts practice the most basic movements and they tell you exactly how to do each movement. For example, I was told precisely how to make a proper fist.

In my area, we have a Special Recreation Association which has its own programming just for kids with special needs. They also work with local Park Districts and send aids to spend extra time with kids and help them participate. It's WONDERFUL! Do you have something like this in your area?

My son is now 11 and has AS. I have never pushed him into sports, but I did push him regarding riding a bike. He resisted every step of the way. He struggled to get up the tiniest incline and resisted the loss of training wheels. Now he rides his bike all over the neighborhood. It helps his balance, strength, endurance and offers him some independence.

Listen to your gut. If she's not gaining anything from the experience, then there's no point. She doesn't need the extra stress. But if you see that she's benefiting, then it might be worth the extra little push.

I cannot provide concrete advice here. I think it is a matter of trial and error. We tried with our kid swimming, painting, karate, and ballet. All those activities she was interested in. Of all of them she wanted to quit after a while. She even asked to be removed from ballet, but I noticed it was because of the methodology and the teacher, so we moved her to another school. One little school less pretentious where the kids learn without all that discipline and rigurosity. We do not pretend she will become a prima ballerina, but that she can enjoy an extrarricular activity, hopefully make some friends and have her moment at stage. Its been 6 years now, she is very advanced and she actually enjoyes ballet very much. And yes, we need to fight for our kids' rights and request the accomodations needed. If they cannot comply then take her somewhere else.

My experience might be relevant.

I was born before anyone knew autism could mean anything other than kids that rocked silently in the corner. (Heck, the first time I even heard of it at all was "Tommy" on the TV show St. Elsewhere - and I'm more widely read than almost anyone I know.) So I am self-diagnosed, but various events since that self-diagnosis last fall tend to confirm it - including finding notes my teachers had sent to my parents. Reading those, I was probably HFA and not AS...

My parents tried forcing me to eat the foods they ate that were "good" for me. In a few cases, they failed utterly. In most cases, they managed to get me to eat at least a little of those things I didn't want to. Sounds good, right?

As an adult, when I figured out last fall that I had AS, I started thinking about my food quirks, of which there are many. I'm actually interested in trying new foods - and most of the ones I try, once I'm ready, I like. The foods my parents couldn't get me to eat, I still hate. The foods they successfully forced me to eat? I can't bring myself to eat those now - even though I'm pretty sure I'd be at least OK with most of them if I'd waited until I was ready. There are one or two foods I was thinking of trying, but I was "forced" into those, because I was out somewhere and someone who knew I was thinking of trying them pushed me to go ahead when I wasn't ready. I can't eat those, either.

To clarify, I "can" eat most of those foods, in sufficiently dire straits. But every time that I do, I loathe them that much more. It becomes harder and harder to eat them. The only workaround I've found is to eat the thing I dislike in a form so different it won't trigger the revulsion. Example: my parents left me with almost no vegetables I can bear to eat, corn being the only exception. So I have to stick to fresh, raw veggies, such as tomatoes and cucumbers and lettuce and peppers, in salads, because my parents always ate cooked veggies. Even then, if they've sat on the store shelves for more than about a day, I can't eat them. They aren't fresh enough any more. And some things, that I was forced to eat with a bit more pressure, I can't eat even fresh and raw. Tomatoes, cukes, lettuce, and peppers are all things my parents didn't have often... and they cooked everything but the cukes and lettuce - which they almost never ate.

And books I was forced to read in school, even books I know I would otherwise enjoy, I can't stand. Music I was forced to listen to when I was young I cannot endure. There is a definite pattern here. Yes, when we're young, we can be pressured into things we're uncomfortable with. But, at least in my case, the final result is to ruin those things for all time, even things I would otherwise have explored at my own pace, and probably liked. As soon as I gained the freedom to do as I chose, I pulled away from every one of those things.

I may have to come back and explain better later, but I would say that if you have to push, as opposed to support nudge or encourage, you've gone too far. Things backfire fast with AS kids, two steps back for one step forward, which isn't going to get anyone where they want to go. It sounds like you've just learned this hard way but, fortunately, with nothing too essential.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 11 Aug 2011, 6:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wanderer, this is just what I try to avoid. Make her hate things for the rest of her life. Again it is a matter of trial and error.
WizardsMom, I believe exactly the same...if our kids do not enjoy some activity then we have to stop it or change it. If they enjoy it, we can push a bit. Like today in the swimming pool that her trainer asked her to do something more advanced that I was sure she could not and would not do. I was afraid that she will burst into tears but she gave it a try again and again !
Unfortunately, something like a Special Recreation Association does not exist in my area.

It is my duty to find the right people involved in the extra curricular activities that will be ready to accept my kid and show a bit more patience, tolerance and understanding.

It depends on the child. You have to be the judge there. I would love to expose my daughter to group activities but all attempts have ended in less than desirable outcomes. She does better one on one. Anything more than that is stressful therefore school is the only "group activity" we do.

Take your lead from your daughter. What you don't want to happen is that she shies away from attempting ANYTHING due to the less than fun experiences she encounters. So try to find a balance of encouragement but support and understanding when she needs to let an activity go.

I agree with Wanderer. It really should be based on when the child is ready. Not when you want them to have a new experience.

im not going to make any suggestions but im pretty sure that growing up undiagnosed forced me to try lots and lots i'd have avoided if i could. I'm glad i never got treated differently , it forced me to adapt. If we're given choices and options it sometimes works against us in the long run, it's too easy to take the path of least resistance.

That is how I always felt. And we were really, really lucky. My son tried a lot of things and left them with positive experiences because he was supported and encouraged, but never forced.

It can be hard to know the difference. There were some soccer games my son was in tears and I would not let him leave, reminding him that he made the choice to be on the team, and they were counting on him. The coach and I would do everything we could to calm him, to ease the pressure, and him back where he needed to be to stay with it. But I always felt he could do it, that it was within grasp, and I always knew this was something HE had CHOSEN, and had continued to choose year after year (no tears in those early years, he wasn't aware enough to be stressed).

We never were in any special programs, but we sure found some special coaches. Just volunteer dads who happened to be amazing, truly amazing, people. I used to put the ASD info on the registration, ask for an understanding coach, and just hope for the best. 80% of the time it turned out well.

My son is 14 now and past the days of mommy exposing him to things, or dreaming up his opportunities. It is all driven by him, now, just as it is for almost any 14 year old. He is settled into scouting, totally loving the outdoors, and will try the mountain biking team in high school. He has also fallen in love with sailing, and hopes to do more with that. Organized sports, however, are out of his life ... he just can't play at the required levels.

I don't think parents need to expose their AS kids to tons of things, just enough things. We want them to find ways to stay active that will follow them through their lives, to know the joy of trying something just to try it, and to find activities that make them happy. Sometimes you get there with the first shot; sometimes it takes a whole bunch more. My NT 10 year old didn't find an activity that made her happy until this past year; it really depends on the child.

But I really don't like the concept of pushing. Nudge, support, encourage. It should be child directed, the goal of finding what makes them happy.

And ... remember that most ASD kids needs a LOT of down time. Don't over-schedule your child. You should be able to tell, if you are watching your child, so just pay attention. Don't let her overload.

Fortunately, we soon realised that we should not overload her daily and weekly programme. Apart from every day school and speech therapy twice a week, we think that one more activity may fit into her weekly schuedule, but no more than that.
Here in Greece there is a tendency for parents to overload their kids programme, sports, music, art lessons, call it whatever you want.
However, most psychologists agree that there is one thing missing from kids (AS and non-AS) nowadays: free time.
The bottom line is to let the child guide you. If she/he wants more, she/he will show you one way or another.

However, TechnoMonk's comments are food for thought.
I think that we should not be too relaxed and laid-back because it is easy to fall into the do-nothing approach (which has equally negative effects to our kid's development as pushing it into too many activities).

I totally agree with you. But it's not only in Greece, it's everywhere! Kids are not kids anymore. They have more responsibilities than adults now. But in my case I am the one trying to stop my 11 years-old daughter, because she wants to be in EVERYTHING, but her schedule is very limited. She attends school from 7:30 am to 2:00 pm, arrives home between 3:00-3:30. Then she has therapy from 5:00-6:00 pm Mondays and Fridays, and ballet lessons from 4:00-5:00 pm Tuesdays and Thursdays. And she is attending a special school (a new program to find kids abilities according to their intelligences; it is a pilot program and she is thrilled about it) on Saturdays. But she wants to learn to play piano, she wants to learn French, she wants to be cheerleader, she wants to be in everything! But she also complains a lot she does not have enough free time to play (she still plays with her toys, and loves to do that). So I am the one saying "no" to every new idea she comes with and telling her there is no enough hours in the day for all she wants to do. I told her she can attend French and piano during summer, and she will have to forget about cheer leading because that is 2 times a week and clashes with her therapy, and she needs her therapy. It is hard to keep her pace...

I have a really hard time with this one; I think it is the most difficult part of parenting a kid with AS. I had the identical experience you describe, except sub TaeKwanDo for swimming (and the TKD instructors had disabled people as helpers, so it's not like they couldn't work with kids with differences.)

OTOH, we sometimes have to push DS to do anything, and it isn't nudge, encourage, or any of that stuff, it's pushing or he won't get off the couch at all. I hate it, but we've had successes that even he will agree are successes: riding a bike, participating in our school's Battle of the Books, things like that that he really enjoys now. DS often gets stuck on the idea that he won't or can't or doesn't want something, rather than the reality, and if we let him stay there, he'd live his life unhappily on the couch (if he were happy being a lump, that would be something else.)

That being said, since the feedback we get from him is the same whether it's "I don't think I want to do that" or "that is a total dealbreaker" and we can't read his mind, we screw up all the time (TaeKwanDo being a prime example.) I hate this. I don't want to be a Tiger Mom. I wish there was a pre-set "expectations setting" so we could all be on the same page. Obviously, as soon as we know something isn't going to work out, we back off, but it's really, really hard to tell what that is.

We do involve DS in the decision-making; we've told him he has to choose two afterschool physical activities (he has a free pass for gym, which he seems to be using fairly responsibly) and we go with his choices...but it's tough when he suddenly decides whatever it is wasn't what he thought.

I used to take horse back riding lessons and HATED them. Mostly becuase my instuctor was a b***h. I wanted to simply learn how to ride a horse but she insisted on turning the lesson into a physical therapy sesion which inclided me laying all the way down on Alabama's back and the saddle would poke me in a very sensetive part of my back. I was eventualy diagnosed with scolosis. My mom said that those exercises were good for me but my back would hurt more than usual after that. My mom said it was because I was getting stronger and the stiffness of my back was loosining. Going to a chiropracter and having him force the kinks out is what helped the most and it NEVER hurt. I wish my mom would have taken me a chiropracter sooner.

I feel off once because it was raning and Albama slipped in some mud. I was SO scared and got no sympathy. The instructor insisted I get right back on Alabama becuase she didn't want me to develop a fear of riding or horses. I don't blame Alabama. It wasn't his fault he slipped. She shouldn't have let me ride him in a muddy area in the rain. I didn't develop a fear of horses or riding, but it made me very distrustful of her. I think a little sympathy would have helped. Even before then, I begged my mom to let me quit taking riding lessons. My mom never let me quit anything because she didn't want me to grow up to be a "quiter" but I hated going to the lessons or anything and would eventualy have violent meltdowns whenever the lessons were mintioned. I STILL wish my mom would have let me quit sooner. The scary thing is that my riding instructor was a school phycologist. She was ALWAYS comparing me to Temple Grandin. I never developed a fear of horses or riding them, but I perfer to pet or brush them as oppsed to riding them. Even to this day, years later, I wish my mom would have let me quit when I begged her to let me.

The experiences you describe are indeed very helpful and make me realize that I am not alone in this world thinking these issues.
My daughter, if we let her have her own way, she would prefer to play freely 24/7. When she feels "free" and not obliged to do something then she is much more communicative than usual and she may even approach strangers and talk to them. I have a sense that she is liberated when she is not in some form of schedule.
In her activities, either school or other, she is less communicative, careful and reserved.
She spent the first 3 days in the swimming pool observing the surroundings and the new faces in order to feel more relaxed and relieve the stress.
In any case I agree with momsparky that we have to involve kids to decision-making, sometimes more than others. It is important to receive the signs they give off because one activity may seem perfect for them in our eyes, but in fact there may be something very small and not obvious to us that causes stress and anxiety to them.