Yesterday at a b/party.....

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......Me and dd were at a b/party yesterday.....another mom (who I knew from the teacher has an daughter with autism) were also there.

While we admired the hosts beautiful house this mom saw that there were 5 beautiful clocks hanging in the kitchen for decoration....So she announced out loud, "Oh my autistic daughter will love this"! Then she carried on talking about her daughters ficsation with clocks.

While we sat outside I asked her how old is her daughter? She answered: My one is 8 yr, other 11yr , other 12 yr, BUT SHE IS AUTISTIC, and the oldest is 14 yr......then she went on talking about her daughter.....until I by the way mentioned to her that we also has a little bit of experience with autism....her daughter is much lower on spectrum....she also said some things, info, that I knew was incorrect regarding autism.....AGHH but we had a nice time chatting.

What surprised me was how she announces this to the world and labelling her own child as my "autistic" daughter...I almost got the impression that SHE enjoys the attention she gets from all of this?

Am I wrong, thinking this is private and you must joose your audience?

My sisters friends mother used to walk around wearing a shirt with some slogan dealing with autism (because of her son, friends brother). I think its ridic.

It is a different way to deal with it I guess? People get nosy and judgmental, maybe she feels more in control of that when she brings it up? It's not my style, but maybe it's how she copes best?

I have no problem saying my son is autistic to strangers. It stops them from making incorrect assumptions about us and his behavior and spreads awareness. I especially mention it to people if I think their child is on the spectrum because it gives them an opening to talk to someone who understands and to compare notes on similar issues we may be facing. Whether or not it should be private depends on the individual. Sure, someone who has no outward issues may be better off keeping it to themselves. But for someone who has obvious issues it may be better to be upfront and honest about it. That being said I don't think the "but" should have been placed before the "she is autistic". My son is always with me though and he's usually doing something to prompt me into divulging that information ....

She sounds like she is in denial.

I gave up on the A word because it means a lot of different things, I only mention things when required specifically useful to the situation e.g. I say 'he cannot talk'. He's a person first and foremost and not defined by Autism.

I cant say that I go around constantly announcing it but my kids have shirts that do say they have autism. They have medical ID bracelets. Unfortunately my son was not wearing his when my in laws lost him in a zoo (he took it off because the band he had at the time bothered him, he has since got a new one). He is 9 and has Aspergers but was so freaked out that he could not speak to the security. A woman found him literally running around in a circle crying. She couldnt get much out of him either. We live in France now and my son does speak both English and French fluently but he could not talk to them but they did manage to get his first name so they announced that he was lost and his grandparents got him back and felt so bad they bought him a huge stuffed snake (hes a stuffed animal connoisseur). Still he will not go anywhere alone with them for the time being as he doesnt trust them anymore. Its hard for people because my son has a huge vocabulary and is so smart but he still needs a lot of assistance and he needs to be watched as little things can distract him and then he is lost.

Now I typically put T-shirts or a button on my kids (6 year old daughter has classic autism) that explains they have autism when they go out like on field trips or anywhere without my husband and I. We know how to watch our children other people are not as vigilant as we are although we do also put on the t-shirts in airports and busy places like that. I also make double certain that my kids have their bracelets NOW. So sometimes it should not be such a "private" thing.
I do however understand what you are saying and have encountered these types of people who seem to want to display their childs autism....and they are typically the types that want to point out all the trials and tribulations of raising an autistic child. Maybe it is for attention, I dont know.

Most of my kids do have some form of Autism so I typically dont point it out in public unless people ask questions or my kids are behaving in an "unusual" way and people are staring, which I hate and feel like spouting out something offensive to them. We usually will tell someone, if they are not aware, if we take out kids to someones birthday party. My husband is the one who has the honor (hehe) of taking the kids to b-day parties as I can not handle all that sensory overload plus now Im too sick with my disease to stand or sit for more than five to ten minutes at a time....Im not even able to go shopping or have my hair done or leave the house other than doctor appointments, but enough about me. So my husband will tell the childs parents that my son or daughter have autism so they may behave a bit different and that they may have to leave abruptly if our kids get overloaded. Basically I think this is only fair to the host.

I will admit that when writing or posting I do tend to go into detail but in public keep a far lower profile.....way lower!
I also do have videos of my daughter on youtube called the Autistic Princess videos and I do these simply to promote a more positive view of autism to counter all those videos of kids having meltdowns and other more negative things. I think it is important that we do try to educate people about autism but people who just talk about what a difficult life they have and how little autistic child is such a "burden" and so hard to care for and how you never get sleep and bla bla bla. Yes it is ok to vent sometimes and I understand that but when its all they talk about it gets annoying and upsetting because you start to wonder if they are trying to help their child or just gain sympathy for themselves?

Last edited by liloleme on 13 Nov 2011, 6:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

Im glad that works for you nostromo because it never did for me. I had my daughter in swim lessons and before she could talk at 3 and when she was just beginning to talk at 4 people would try to talk to her and I would have to say "she doesnt really talk yet" then they would ask "How old is she?" and Id say how old she was and they would say "you should consult a speech pathologist" so Id finally have to say "She has autism". What can I say...they asked for it! .
Even then though Id get the "Oh she doesnt LOOK autistic" .

Sorry didn't read all the posts yet...just here and there.....Something I want to mention is that this child wasn't at the party or haven't been seen by the other parents.....She doesn't even stay with them because the mother feels she is causing to much stress on the other kids.....No one even spoke remotely about autism...she just announced it out of the blue....I guess maybe she did feel she could vent a bit.....

I think the key to the reasons behind her broadcast is in this, "she doesn't even say with them because because the mother fells she is causing too much stress on the other kids..."

That mother is conflicted about her daughter, and also trying to deal with her own decisions. Chatter is her way of coping.

I think I'd have trouble with her, myself, however. While I try hard to be supportive of different decisions, because every family has unique traits and needs, some people just think in a way I disagree with.

I guess my gut reaction is to each his or her own but I don't think there is anything to be ashamed of so why should it be a private thing? I would agree that it sounds like the context in which this mom brought it up was maybe a bit odd. DW probabllly hit it on the head that she herself is conflicted about the situation. The times when I would normally bring it up is to anyone who is having an extended interaction with DS for any reason, like swim lessons or gymnastics, or sometimes with other moms when we are just generally discussing the trials and tribulations of parenthood. I do think there is a lot to be said about awareness and being willing to discuss your particular experience with people outside of your "inner circle" can be a good thing if you are comfortable doing so.

A question that strikes me is why did it make you uncomfortable to have her talking so openly about autism?

I have a bumper sticker on my car, but I don't bring it up at parties or anything like that anymore.

I think that I used to bring it up because it was always on my mind and I didn't have much else to talk about--my activities were pretty limited to things involving childcare. However, nowadays, I don't really bring it up anymore because the kids can sort of pass if you only see them once in a group setting, and telling people can just result in discrimination towards me or my sons by other parents. Also, a lot of people are mildly curious but don't really want to discuss autism at lenght.

A lot of people feel the need to talk when they are anxious. She may not have a supportive family with whom to discuss her daughter's difficulties.

It sounds to me like the woman needs to join a support group or this group in order to find an appropriate outlet to discuss her concerns and to get more information.

The T shirt is a great idea lilolme, I'm going to do that too. I dread the thought of my son getting away.
A few weeks back a neighbour of a friend of ours came over and said a 5yr old autistic boy had just been found wandering on the road outside the house, cue frantic phone calls and texts to us from friends asking if it was our son..actually it was the child of someone we know.

I definitely agree with I.D. tags, stickers, T-shirts for kids with classic autism. I have personally met 4 moms whose kids between the ages of 4 and 7 whose kids have wandered off or gotten away. Two of the children were found by police. One five year old girl ran away with no shorts or underwear on and was found by her mom 4 blocks away from home.

Through my local Autism Society, I know of a couple of others with classic autism in this same age range who have run away.

Two of the kids have run away multiple times.

I've also heard of autistic kiddos drowning or freezing after they have run away.

(Not that I think that the mom at the I.D. party was interested in I.D. tags or anything. Just that sometimes it is important to put a label on a child.)

My lil man hasn't been officially diagnosed with AS, but he was previously diagnosed w/ ADHD/ODD/bipolar. We put him in football this year & it was partly horrid! On numerous, he threw multiple tantrums and behaved horribly. I had a parent approach me & let me know that she thought my son needed his rear-end torn up. I calmly let her know that he wasn't like other kids & that he would be fine. I made one last comment before I walked away & that was that maybe she should focus on her son, that hit my son & caused him to flip out!

People don't know unless u tell them, unless they deal with something similar. I'm in no way ashamed of either of my kids and will gladly answer any questions someone has, if they approach me in the correct way.

We mistakenly thought our daughter would not go out the door anymore. A bit over a year ago when we were still in the US she went out the side door that had been left unlocked and fortunately my daughters boyfriend had gone into the living room (I was making dinner) and noticed the door open. We were all vigilant so he went around the house and could not find my daughter so we all went on a hunt for her and my daughters boyfriend found her half way down our little street on her way to the busy street. That was scary and I decided to arm the doors with alarms because with so many people living in our house at the time doors got left unlocked. However since moving here she has not attempted to go out and she will ask to go play in the sand box so I thought we were safe, but I thought wrong.
A few weeks ago, right before dark, I went to take a shower as I can only take showers when my husband can help me in and out because of my disease. So he was working on his grant proposal in the kitchen and the kids were in the living room. Maddy (my daughter) told my husband she was going to work and he just said "Ok" because she would say these types of things all the time....."Im going to the princess castle" ect.
When I got out of the shower I went in to check on the kids and Maddy was not there, I yelled for her, searched the house, then freaked out. We went out the door just in time to see a nice lady who was out on a walk bring our daughter back through the gate. Not only had she went out of the house but out through the gate and it was getting dark, and we do live on a busy street, and she had managed to get her bike and take it with her. The fact that she had thought to put her helmet on is amusing now but at the time I was terrified. She got very upset because we were upset. We didnt yell at her or anything but we told her that she was never ever to go outside without Mommy or Daddy. Still I got some more alarms so I feel safer! Im thankful that she had her ID bracelet because that is how the woman found our house....she was halfway down the street. Maddy does not speak French (just a few words) and does not explain things very well anyway, plus she was angry that this woman had stopped her from going to work....where ever that was.
Anyway, it was a good lesson for us, never let your guard down and even though its been over a year since she "ran" its obvious that she still does not understand the danger involved.