Should I force my 6 year old aspie to go out?

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My son Joe is 6 years old, recently dx Aspergers and ADHD by neurologist. He is doing AWESOME in school and is usually very mild. He does not have many meltdowns anymore but he HATES to go anywhere besides school and home. He will go to a relative's house or a friend of mines house if they have an Xbox with no problem. But he hates to go out and do stuff.

He usually says, "no, we can do that later" or we can do that tomorrow or I don't want to go and makes up a bunch of excuses. It seems like I just can't ask him, I just need to force him to go and then he will be fine but the hours leading up to an "event" are horrible if he knows. I just usually avoid going anywhere unless I really need to, because he is such a homebody.

Case in point tonight my friend and her son are going to a Christmas event downtown, and they really want us to go. I am nervous as usual because Joe gets sooooooo nervous and anxious and bugs to go home the whole time, but she was like "you need to stop babying him and get him used to doing stuff he doesn't want to do"... its so hard when people don't understand.

Any advice on how to get him to WANT to leave the house?

Thanks...

When I was the age of your child my parents had to force me to go out to play with the other kids. If it was not for them doing that I never would have been socialized. I would have been even weirder as a child and later an adult. But keep in mind you child also needs alone time. I remember when the other kids needed someone for a game a football or hockey they would ask me I would say no so they would then ask my parents and they would then force me to play even though I really needed to be left alone.

It's a balancing act. As an adult, I still rely on the people who love me to forcefully remove me from the apartment every once in a while (I can come up with any excuse not to leave). At the same time, you have to be extra aware of his need for alone/processing time (and any specific sensory issues that might be triggered by the proposed activity). Once in a while is certainly fine though.

I think a little pushing to be social is ok, just make sure you listen when your son needs to go home. Don't let your kid feel like you don't care about their being upset, overwhelmed or anxious.

I'd say instead of asking him if he wants to go, simply tell him "In three hours we are going to the Christmas parade, so you need to be dressed and done with what you are doing". Then remind him in two hours before, one hour before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before, etc. Expect meltdowns. But the routine of you telling him where he is going rather than implying needing consent to go by asking him, is much more reassuring to him than asking him and bugging him afterwards.

I mean, if you didn't want to know if he wanted to go, why did you ask? And did the answer really surprise you?

Tell him what you will be doing, get used to the meltdowns, sometimes you have to get used to something before you can learn to deal with it.

Frances

Go with what the people previously to me have described. But in addition, I would plant to leave early if he has an inconsolable meltdown in public or when he asks to go home, give him a time frame for how long until you will leave (ex. 1 hr.).

My parents never forced me to go outside and I am perfectly fine as a person. Sure, my socialization isn't always the grandest. But outside was a source of stress and pain for me. Even now as an adult I prefer, school and work then home. I don't like going anywhere else. If I force myself through lots of public and outside of my home stuff I get very tired, very stressed, and very agitated. I really need to go home to recharge. Maybe your son only likes to go to school and home because school is very tiring. Even for me college is very tiring and it's always been this way. Home is where I recharge. As a kid the same concept was my life. I don't see the need to force your kid to do what they don't want to.

It seems to me that this works like reinforcing a phobia. If every time is 110% and overwhelmingly unbearable, I would dread new things too. Instead I would pick a day of the week to be try something new day, and start small something partly positive with a reward at the end and lasting only 5-10 minutes. Success and lots of praise and connecting new with good or okay would seem to work better. If you are afraid to swim, it doesn't help for someone to toss you in the middle of the lake and say, see you didn't drown.

Are you wanting to go to the Christmas event because you think it would be good for him to go, or because you want to go and spend time with your friend?

If it is for him, I would think long and hard about whether this is an ideal environment and about the context of whatever other socialization activities he's been undertaking and will have to go to for the Thanksgiving (If you are American), Christmas, New Year season. If you think it would be good for him, to keep him from being too reclusive, and he doesn't need the recharge time, I would try to tell him what things are there that he might enjoy. Is he friend's with your friend's child at all? Make sure he knows you are doing it with his interests at heart.

If it for you, maybe you could have somebody he bonds well with watch him, and you can go hang out with your friend without him. Sometimes parents need to do things for themselves, and if he can handle being at home with someone other than you, it might not be bad for him to see that Mommy has separate interests.

If your friend has opinionated things to tell you, just tell her it is too much for him. If she is your friend she should at least try to accept that.

Edited to include that my son also says, "Maybe later," and "Not today, maybe some other day. or even "Do I have to go, too?" Often we just tell him we are going and when he complains we tell him why he needs to go. We don't make him go to too many things. A lot of it is also things he would like, but just not as much as his special interests. We always reassure him that he can do X special interest when we get home. There are certain times and situations where we don't go and others when me or my husband will go, and the other will stay behind. It just kind of depends on what it is and what else is going on.

With a 6 year old it's hard to have the experienced knowledge that leads you to make the best decision in this regard. As years go by, you'll get better at it. For us, my daughter never wants to go anywhere. I pushed her to go places when she was 6, thinking it would help. It didn't. I suffered through many difficult situations because of that. Only you can tell where the line is. For my daughter I might encourage her to go, but be ready to go home in a moments notice should things go awry. I have built her trust now, and she knows she is safe because I stay true to my word and we leave whenever she states she's had enough. It gets harder when it's something they WANT to do, like a birthday party. My daughter is just now old enough to make her own decisions on what she can handle, and most of the time she declines invitations. I know this is anxiety getting the best of her and as NTs we think they should "face the fear and do it anyway" but it just doesn't work that way with them (at least for my daughter). She's starting to understand her limitations and rather than feel sorry about that I am proud and want her to have the self esteem to understand it's OKAY if she's not into social functions.

Thank you so much to everyone for your advice and stories. Just wanted to update you and tell you that we decided against the Christmas event and just went to a downtown area that has some shoppes and walked around. He did great until a free concert started that we didn't know about (Michelle Branch) and he said that it was too loud and scary. So we decided to go to the candy store and then leave. He really did good but was pretty worn out. He has never had a real meltdown in public since he was about 3. Normally he just says "ok I am ready to go now" and we head out. He went to a birthday party today and after about 20 mintutes said he was ready to leave, as was I, so we left. Thanks so much for the support, It helps me soooo very much. I wish I had someone to relate to in real life!