What Would You Do??

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i have ADHD-PI and NLD, as does my 17yr old son.

there is a 16yr old aspie at my son's high school who is a singer/songwriter. after it was announced that he'd be performing once again this year in the annual talent competition, the tickets sold out immediately...they've *never* sold out before...but there's a problem:

the sole reason the students want to go see him is because he's "absolutely hysterical." my son then showed me several videos this teen has posted on youtube, all of which were so, so bad, they were sad to watch. ;(

*however,* the kid doesn't have a clue that he's embarrassing himself, or that he's being mocked/bullied constantly...he takes the tons of "compliments" that the kids constantly say in school and post on his youtube channel and facebook page as genuine, and he's very happy about himself as a result.

he even had to "audition" for the competition...obviously, he would not have made the cut under normal circumstances, but the judges (all teachers) allowed him to because he's "inspiring," according to the head music teacher. my son feels this is extremely wrong, as they are exploiting him by doing so...what do you think?

also, if you were this kid, would you want to know the *truth* from the judges about your audition and not make the cut, or would you rather be blind to it all, and go on happily performing, never knowing that you're being made fun of? lastly, if you were this kid's parent, would you allow him to perform under such circumstances?



(btw, my son didn't audition for the show, nor did he buy a ticket)

This kinda seems like the saying ignorance is bless.

I am not saying this would be the best answer, but I would probably ignore it. Because this is not my problem, not because I think it would be better for him.

Or, less likely, tell him bluntly that everyone is making fun of him. I think that would be more helpful for him in the long run.

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Parents' Discussion]

I don't know, I think I agree with StuartN. It takes a village, remember? If you turn a blind eye to this apparent cruelty I don't think you are any better than those who are perpetrating it. The school counselor or autism speciailst would probably be the best person to bring your concerns to. A person in such a position is likely to have some insight into the situation and the individual and would be a good one to put a stop to it if that is what really needs to be done. Is there any chance thatthe student actually is aware that he is so bad its funny and that he is milking the humor value? I mean, he must hear the audience laugh.

thanks for the replies...my son doesn't know this kid, aside from his sudden "rise to fame" last year at the talent competition, nor was he even thinking of trying to solve the problem.

i guess i posted it because i was as outraged as my son is, yet, i wanted to know how others with AS would feel about being told the truth vs continuing on without ever knowing -- as well as the thoughts from both NT and AS parents.

This is an incredibly difficult situation: there are several things to consider - one important one, as mentioned here, is whether you will be able to get through to the kid at all. Another is, if you can cross that hurdle - what will happen if he finds out everyone is laughing at him? I don't know if you've read the story "Flowers for Algernon," but I have it in mind here - the main character's life was made considerably worse by knowing what people thought of him. I have never understood this sort of thing; I never liked Candid Camera (which, admittedly, was not intended to be cruel) and I can't stand reality shows for this reason.

I suppose one way of actually helping this boy would be to find him some support, so that he's actually performing to the level he thinks he is. Are there people who agree with you? Can you take up a collection and buy him some performance classes with a "tough-love" kind of teacher? Maybe if it is couched in helping him move beyond the school arena, rather than in "people are laughing at you" it might get through without being damaging (I never watch "American Idol" but when I've run into clips, I've always appreciated the "mean" judge, Simon Cowell, because he is at least honest and, though harsh, never laughs at anyone in that way. That's the kind of teacher this boy might need.) Maybe he could actually be inspiring if he had some help to gain the outside world's perspective.

If you can find others who are concerned, maybe you could go as a group to the school counselor and explain that students are attending this performance with the intent to bully this boy: use that language. The fact that this boy's music is not up to snuff is immaterial, really - what's more, provided it goes no further than this performance, what's happening here isn't nearly as damaging to the boy on stage as it is to the kids in the audience, who are learning to get away with cruelty.

I'm not sure what the answer is here. My daughter has a distorted view of herself in certain situations. For instance, she's always said she has, "Lots of friends." But she has a different idea of what friendship means than do most people, and this is the first year she's done anything with any friends outside of school. I think she views friends the way most NT's view acquaintances. That's just an example, but her perception of how things are is very different than how things actually are. If you try to be "truthful" with her about certain subjects, she becomes very defensive. So I don't know what the answer is. Her perception of the world helps her to navigate it...but it isn't always helpful to those around her. In general with my daughter, if she will be helped (growth wise) by me being honest about her mis-perception, than I am...but if I feel it's just a mechanism she uses to navigate, and nobody is being hurt by the mis-perception...then I let it go. It's kind of picking your battles.

With this boy...I guess the question is, "Is he being hurt by the attention?" If you feel that he honestly is being hurt by it...then it woulbe be best to step in. Do I think the kid will benefit from knowing it was all a huge joke on him? I don't. How would it benefit him? I think he would be very hurt to know that it's cruetly and not real. The real way is to change the mass cruelty that's taking place, and that's a hell of a lot harder.

I really think your best bet is to go to the principal and guidance counselor and use the word "bullying." Have your son give you as many specific examples of how these kids are being cruel as is possible, and bring them to the school's attention. Schools don't like that word (even if it does not mean what they think it means.) I am guessing this is one of those situations where a few ringleaders are making the entire group head down the wrong path, and it would probably be much easier to turn this tide than one would think - once those ringleaders are addressed.