Our Issue: When autistic children get abandoned.

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We are Vin and Nathalie, Vin is 5 years old. He has last seen his father, when he was 3. His father became depressive and detached with his condition and remained untreated. Vin sees his father maybe 25 minutes on Skype per week, if he is lucky. But his father never wants to see him and he does not seem to understand. Why?

Moreover I get harassed by the father, I get victimized, that actually I have put him into this condition.

I am trying to do a research what can be done. There is very little available about this topic, which affects probably more parents, women and men, as we might think.


Please contribute and help to draw attention to this topic for the sake of the children.
Thanks.

My wife is schizophrenic and despite all the good and work she did was hard to live with. She left the family about six months ago. The (teenage) children are actually preferring her not living here anymore. They do not want to live with her and I think even don't really want to see her much if at all. That is kinda sad and not what I want in the long run; she is their mother after all. I hope that in time they will get to enjoy spending time with her again.

What I am trying to say is that this actually really surprised me. I thought it went without saying that children should have regular contact with both parents. But that is not how things have worked out (for now anyway).

Another thing - the actual parent contact is not the important thing - it is enough that there is a loving (surrogate) parent figure.

With antidepressants, something like zoloft might work great for one person, and not do a damn thing for another. That in a respectable sense, it is trial and error.

My guess is that it would be largely the same for anti-schizophrenic medication.

And what's needed is a doctor who embraces this trial and error and is willing to keep trying new medications. (which still puts you in a difficult position as a spouse, but if it comes to it, maybe you could suggest that she get a new doctor who might be a better listener)

I doubt you can force him to have more time with your son, and I don't see why you would want to. If the dad doesn't care and doesn't want to spend time with his own kid, there's nothing you can do about it and the kid is actually better off not spending time with the dad, than spending time with a dad who would obviously rather not be there.

Yes, it's hard for him to understand but there are going to be things all his life that are hard to understand or hurtful or objectionable. Everybody goes through things, and he is no exception. He's 5, and it's better to just limit contact with the dad now, and just tell the kid "That's how it is, I'm sorry but there isn't anything that can be done about it" than to try and force the dad to have more interaction.

Would you really want somebody around your kid who didn't want to be there? I wouldn't,

All medication available was tried over the last 20 years. Some worked better than others. Even the ones that controlled the symptoms had horrible side effects. I think my wife is now either off medication or on a very low dose. She stated her bipolar episodes are gone, presumably with the lesser stress of just living on her own. She remains delusional.

As regards the main topic thread - yeah, I agree with posters who are saying if the dad does not want to see his child, and maybe threatens original poster, who needs him!

not so sure if that is all so easy. I respect your opinion.
Check out my blog under the blog button, I am trying to put some research together to help others. Depression is just 1 thing, but I need to understand why people can't cope. That is an endless loop in my head.
Thanks

Wow, I am sorry about the side effects. And I'm sorry they didn't make a lateral move sooner and I really wish the average doctor was a much better listener and much more flexible.

I myself have struggled with periods of depression. I have not yet taken antidepressants although I might have tried prozac back when I was 26 if the young psychiatrist had not been such a jerk about the whole thing. As I have read, everyone's biochem of the brain is a little different and no doctor in the world can predict which medication will work. The important thing is for the doctor is stay loosey-goosey (sounds unscientific, but I am more open that this is in fact good medicine) and work with a light touch. And sometimes also important to step down in phases even if the damn thing doesn't seem to be working.

And okay, from this post,
schizophrenia or bipolar? (Melvin Konner, 1987)
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt177714.html
This medical student (and from the 1980s) is saying that American psychiatrists tend to diagnose schizophrenia whereas British psychiatrists tend to diagnose bipolar. And the potential bad side effects from lithium can be monitored further in advance. And he cites an experienced doctor that everyone deserves to fail a lithium trial first. (for persons in crisis, the usual procedure was to start with an antischizophrenic medication and then taper off as lithium was built up). And I know there is a very limited amount you can do as an separated spouse, but I am happy to share the information I do have. Essentially this guy was arguing that delusions themselves could come from the manic phase of being bipolar.

Dear AardvarkGoodSwimmer

Thanks for your comments. I fully agree that working out the best medication is really trial and error. Basically my wife tried lots and lots of different medications (risperidone, solian, abilify, zyprexa, geodon etc etc, as well as a number of mood stabilisers and antidepressants eg lithium, lamotrigine) - zyprexa was the gold standard for a number of years in controlling the schizophrenia but not really good and it made my wife put on a lot of weight. The last doctor we had was really good - he spent a lot of time going through all my wife's medications over the years and noting what had worked and what not. My wife left the family in the middle of consultations with him so I don't have any good idea of what she is on now. There are incidentally a few schizophrenics who take no drugs and have made some sort of peace with their voices - saw one of them and he goes round the world giving some talks about this but he did look a little strange. But who are we to say who don't have to face up to the side effects of the drugs?

And yeah, there are differences in diagnosis between the countries. My wife is also diagnosed "schizoaffective" which means that she is bipolar as well as having delusions. Schizoaffective persons are somewhat less seriously affected than "pure" schizophrenics who suffer loss of emotion and are not generally able to hold any type of job, unlike my wife who can hold down a low level job.

One of my wife's delusions is that I was trying to control her with medications - so it is out of the question she will listen to me anymore. I can really only step in if she gets seriously ill, and as I have pointed out to my children once the divorce goes through in due course if she gets seriously ill they will have to step in as the nexus with me will have been cut.

Not wanting to break Nathalie's thread though - as regards OP - I think that maybe someone ceases to care when it is too much for them. That may be why my wife left - she was unhappy and dealing with the stresses of business and family life (especially an autistic son) were just too much for her. When our son was not doing too well at school a couple of months back she suddenly jumped in like a fiery tiger and took him over three nights a week, saying I was not doing a proper job with him. But then that got too much for her and she just stopped, just like that - and has even mainly ceased communicating with either of the children. I have tried to get round the problems she has with the kids by suggesting that she just does nice "grandparent" like things with them ie the nice things grandparents do, but then the grandparents can leave at the end of the day. This didn't work with my wife as she said I was trying to take over (well actually I have had sole charge of the kids for more than 6 months now, but anyway) - but maybe it might work with you and the father?

Hi guys
I have the feeling you are missing the entire point here. This was not suppoed to be about somebodies wife. This is about who has experience or a similar thing and knows what can be done, wishes what could be helping since I am doing all this to help potentially also others. The topic is abandonment of autistic children, experiences, opinions and so on. As an aspie I say, you get hooked on details....that actually does not help always. I know what you want to say. But mediction just solved probably 1 step, but not the entire issue or gives an outlook what kind of help would be appropriate.
Don't be offended, when I talk like this.

My best girl friend is in this mess.

Her ex is about a poopyhead-- ADHD and I suspect undiagnosed AS, not that it excuses him from being a dipshit.

He bailed on them right before the kid's first birthday-- he wasn't getting his way, he wasn't getting enough attention, she expected him to actually hold a job and not spend his paycheck on Star Trek models and pot.

The kid is now 7. Daddy sees him when it suits him-- he's supposed to have every other weekend but actually bothers to show up maybe once every six weeks.

Well, he's getting his comeuppance. The kid has come to the conclusion that, if Daddy can cancel a visit because there's something he'd rather be doing, so can he.

I don't know what to tell you to do. You can't make someone do something they don't want to. As others have said, if he's not going to grow the f**k up and do his job, Vin is probably better off without him anyway.

Use it for a learning experience-- Honey, think about this. Be careful when/if you get interested in girls, and make sure if you have a child you are ready to assume responsibility for it.

It really is tragic. For everyone. All I know to say is, look elsewhere for role models and people to participate in your little one's life. I know my friend's son has really latched on to me, my husband, and our oldest daughter-- it's a shame, 'cause Hubby doesn't really like the kid (suspect he's undealt-with AS too; Mommy doesn't want to see it; he runs more toward the aggressive end and Hubby really has trouble dealing with that) but at the same time DH understands the situation and tries to be some kind of adult attention and role model for him.

I don't see anything in your blog, but your website looks extremely cool.

It's a sad situation for Vin, but suffering is inherent in life. It sounds like you feel trapped between your son and his father. Vin conveys his disappointment to you and the father conveys his resentment to you. But there is no direct honest communication between them.

Your son is very young, but if I were in your position I would be 100% honest and open with him about the difficulty of the situation. My daughter expects and appreciates honesty and has a long memory for any deviation. I would not try to explain his father's actions because they may be inexplicable. A child naturally wants to be close to his parent, to be nurtured and loved by his parent, but if the parent is incapable then it would be harmful for you to keep trying to connect them. My daughter finally stopped talking to her mom at age 12 and it probably saved her life.

As suggested by BuyerBeware, rather than trying to maintain your son's connection to a worthless Dad, your energy is likely to be better spent on exposing him to new people who will genuinely care about him.