Does your own family resent you?

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bombergal
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04 Jun 2012, 11:39 am

I am now a woman in her mid-thirties and still my family resents and doesn't know how to relate to me. It's the loneliest feeling in the world and don't know how I survive. For example, I just got a full-time permanent teaching job recently and my own mother said "Well big things happen all the time" as though my news wasn't important. It made me cry and I had to force an apology out of her (she did so without really meaning it).

When I was growing up, she made me believe that I wasn't good enough (she said I had thunder thighs when I was 13 and I am now obese). Also, if anything socially went wrong at school she would ask what I did wrong or she would compare me to other kids in my class. Those kids were so mean and she took their side.

My father and brother kinda follow suit and don't defy her. My brother has married someone and my parents favour her more than me. They all go on trips together to Vegas and don't include me. I have a wonderful boyfriend who supports my every move as does his family but what do I do with my own family?

I get depressed just writing about this and I know they would decline an intervention if I asked for one. I want this to be stopped because my self-esteem is suffering (being obese and feeling bad about my appearance now) and they think it's all my fault. The ironic thing is my brother is morbidly obese (well over 400 pounds) and they don't say anything to him about it...he can do no wrong. I am moderately obese and they are on my case about it all the time and have been for over 20 years (from when I was a teenager).

Is there anything I can do about my family? I don't talk to them very often...if I do they always end the conversation first after about 10-15 minutes and I feel let down every time.



Lene
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04 Jun 2012, 11:56 am

I'm not sure if you mean that your brothers act the same way towards you, or that they just don't say anything to your mum. Is there any chance you can ask your brothers if she acts the same way to them? It may be that she does, but they just grin and bear it.

Sometimes it's easier to deal with a pain-in-the-neck relative if you find out you're not the only one having trouble.



bombergal
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04 Jun 2012, 12:16 pm

Oh I know she doesn't act the same way towards them. In fact, if I'm visiting at home they'll watch TV or quietly do their housework but the moment they come over? They stop EVERYTHING and talk mindlessly about people in their community for hours, their trips, or how drunk they got. Grow up.



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04 Jun 2012, 1:15 pm

A mother calling her own young teenage child "thunder thighs* fits under the category emotional abuse.

You need to find some way to break away from your family, who is obviously toxic, and do your own thing. Getting counseling may help you like it did me. *hugs*



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04 Jun 2012, 1:16 pm

I've been told that one of my older brothers resents me because at the time of my adoption, he was only ten years old and suddenly all the attention was focused on me. I was a baby, how was I supposed to know I was being so demanding? And besides if I really was so much trouble and made things so much harder on my brothers, and it wasn't "fair" to them, why then did my parents want to go through with the adoption in the first place?


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04 Jun 2012, 2:26 pm

I hate to say this but sometimes it is necessary for one's own sanity to cut people out of one's life. The behavior you have described from your mom does sound abusive as another poster suggested. If she were willing to work with you in therapy then I would say there might be hope for you to salvage a relationship with her. If she has no interest in changing her ways, you will most likely continue to receive the same type of treatment from her for the rest of your life. If you haven't already, I would suggest that you seek counseling for yourself. It really is possible to overcome the damage done by being brought up under such emotional abuse. I've seen it work for people I know. There is a path out there for you to live a happy and productive life, it just may not include your mother in the picture.



ASDMommyASDKid
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04 Jun 2012, 2:58 pm

I have to agree that your mom is toxic, and you should probably avoid her as much as possible, even if you are not prepared to carry out an estrangement.

I think your mom probably thinks appearance is socially more important for a woman and that justifies her double standard. It doesn't. She sounds like a real unpleasant piece of work, and the less of it you internalize the better it will be for you. She obviously has her own issues, but had no right to dump them on you.

I am so sorry.



bombergal
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04 Jun 2012, 3:36 pm

But why does she favour my brother? It's so not fair that he's 400 + pounds and she doesn't say anything to him about it. I have tried and tried to fix things, but she doesn't want to. If I die before she does, she'll regret it forever. If it's the other way around, I don't know how I'll feel. Also dad spanked me when he was angry and she didn't do anything about it.



bethaniej
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04 Jun 2012, 4:14 pm

Will start by saying I have not been diagnosed with with ASD, but my daughter has. However, I have a lot of odd traits that made me, when I was younger, difficult to relate to. I'm quiet, have a certain amount of anxiety, love books and words, am somewhat cerebral...etc. My mom is sooo outgoing, musically gifted...and basically never met a stranger. She and I have a terrible time relating. Eventually I stopped blaming her for it. :) We're just cut from a different cloth or something. She gets on famously with my sister and somewhat idolizes my brother. But she had a hard time with me. I didn't like dresses, hated being fussed over or having my hair combed...and cried a lot. The biggest torcher she put me through as a child was peircing my ears even though it wasn't something I really wanted. That was my mom's idea of being a mom to a girl. Show them how to be fancy. I wasn't fancy, I was a tom-boy...another thing that she had trouble with...I loved playing team sports.

I'm 42. For a long time I was angry at my mom for not being the mom I wanted. And I think she was angry at me sometimes for not being the daughter she expected. For a while I watched my own daughter not be the granddaughter she expected....and that was hard. Then we had a big falling out over that.

A year later, my daughter was diagnosed. I called my mom and explained what having aspergers meant. And that many of the things my daughter struggled with were just part of having aspergers (mainly the meltdowns and odd fascinations). And I learned to accept that my mom is just a regular old human being with no superpowers. She loves me....even though we are sooo different and don't have much in common. That isn't her fault...we NEVER had much in commom. And I've learned to appreciate things about her that I didn't before (she and her sisters often break into song unexpectedly...it's nice). I stopped needing her to be the mom I wanted. I started kind of being the mom I think I'd have wanted. But my daughter often has a different idea of the kind of mom I should be. We talk and work on it. It's difficult being a mom to someone on the spectrum because the rules (like when your child comes back from a trip you jug and say you missed them) don't apply...and sometimes it can be hard to make connections. I try and take advantage of the times it's possible to do that (like when she's telling an anime story, or wants me to watch a program with her).

My advice is to somehow find a way to let go of needing her to be something she isn't so you can be okay. She probably won't ever be that person.

Bethanie



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04 Jun 2012, 4:44 pm

They're shitheads. There's not a whole lot you can do about it.

You're probably doing the best thing that can be done-- limit your contact with them, spend your time and energy on people who treat you better.

Sorry. I know that's not the answer you want. But the sad fact is that you really can't do much about other peoples' pathologies, except acknowledge them as such and stop blaming yourself, thinking of it as something wrong with you, or trying to figure out what you need to do to get their behavior to change.


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momsparky
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04 Jun 2012, 4:52 pm

One of the things I have finally figured out is that my own parents probably have autism, and probably much more severely than anyone in our little family, diagnosis notwithstanding.

This means their social skills are abysmal. Beyond bad and heading into the kind of abusive territory you're describing (My mother is constantly buying me or trying to get me to buy shapewear, if it makes you feel better - she would never use language like "thunder thighs," but the meaning and intent is the same.) They have a better relationship with my brother than they do me, but that's because I have spent my life looking for answers and trying to figure things out.

I suppose there are problems with the relationship on both sides; I'm hardly perfect - but I have found it best to limit contact. It's difficult because my parents don't understand why and are hurt by it, but just because they aren't hurting me purposely doesn't mean they aren't hurting me when we are together.

I am so, so sorry you are in this situation.



bombergal
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04 Jun 2012, 7:53 pm

And just two weeks ago when I got my job she upset me by saying "other people have big news too" and made my news of getting a full-time job not very important. I am proud of it because it signifies a huge turnaround in my life. My dad is pussy-whipped and always takes her side and the time I dated someone on the spectrum they never accepted him. I broke up with him because he was obsessed with me. They will likely never accept me for me and I will now focus my attention on my boyfriend and his family.



bombergal
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04 Jun 2012, 7:53 pm

And just two weeks ago when I got my job she upset me by saying "other people have big news too" and made my news of getting a full-time job not very important. I am proud of it because it signifies a huge turnaround in my life. My dad is pussy-whipped and always takes her side and the time I dated someone on the spectrum they never accepted him. I broke up with him because he was obsessed with me. They will likely never accept me for me and I will now focus my attention on my boyfriend and his family.



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04 Jun 2012, 8:12 pm

As painful as it is, you can't change people. People have enough trouble changing behavior when they really want to. You aren't going to get people who do not want to change to change.

I think you are wise to refocus on the people in your life who are supportive.



Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 05 Jun 2012, 12:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Catarina
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05 Jun 2012, 12:23 pm

ASDMommyASDKid wrote:
you are wise to refocus on the people in your life who are supportive.


After some monthes of reading so many posts in this forum, as well as reflecting back on my own family, (I am not NT) I suspect that while some Aspies are blessed with supportive empathetic parents, many have undiagnosed parents on the spectrum.

These untreated, undiagnosed parents, lacking self-awareness or perspective just perpetuate the same type of harsh behaviors that they grew up with.

Even my own Aspie son, who is still only 7, has begun to be mean other kids in response to their seemingly "mean" behaviors.

Break the cycle, surround yourself with people that are supportive, like your boyfriend.