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Does your own family resent you?

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Wreck-Gar
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05 Jun 2012, 3:01 pm

Eureka-C wrote:
While not directly related to AS, there is a lot of information about "toxic families" and "toxic relationships" - it might be beneficial to research this some more.

My heart goes out to you. I finally had to draw a line in the sand with my father who is a classic narcissist. I stopped trying to be the daughter who could never be good enough and stopped trying to reach out to him. For me this meant writing him a letter (at the age of 29) and telling him that the survival of our relationship was up to him. I would no longer be calling him, sending him birthday/christmas cards, going to his family gatherings, and sending him pictures of his grandchildren without being asked. I said I would enjoy talking to him, answer the phone and talk pleasantly if he called, respond to emails, and send him pictures of his grandchildren if he was interested and made the effort to establish a relationship. He called his mother/my grandmother and proceeded to inform her and all that side of my family about how unappreciative and mean I was to refuse all contact with him and to take him away from his grandchildren "just like her mom took her away from me." He twisted the letter/words to match his reality and has never in the past 10 years reached out to me. I have found other men in my life (primarily my father in law) to replace the hole and act as my father figure, supportive, loving, caring men who make me feel good about who I am and help me to be the best person I can be.


Good for you, I am just about to do something like this, sad to say. My dad has always been on of those "my way or the highway" types and doesn't really understand anything from anyone else's point of view...



momsparky
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05 Jun 2012, 4:56 pm

Wreck-Gar wrote:
Eureka-C wrote:
While not directly related to AS, there is a lot of information about "toxic families" and "toxic relationships" - it might be beneficial to research this some more.

My heart goes out to you. I finally had to draw a line in the sand with my father who is a classic narcissist. I stopped trying to be the daughter who could never be good enough and stopped trying to reach out to him. For me this meant writing him a letter (at the age of 29) and telling him that the survival of our relationship was up to him. I would no longer be calling him, sending him birthday/christmas cards, going to his family gatherings, and sending him pictures of his grandchildren without being asked. I said I would enjoy talking to him, answer the phone and talk pleasantly if he called, respond to emails, and send him pictures of his grandchildren if he was interested and made the effort to establish a relationship. He called his mother/my grandmother and proceeded to inform her and all that side of my family about how unappreciative and mean I was to refuse all contact with him and to take him away from his grandchildren "just like her mom took her away from me." He twisted the letter/words to match his reality and has never in the past 10 years reached out to me. I have found other men in my life (primarily my father in law) to replace the hole and act as my father figure, supportive, loving, caring men who make me feel good about who I am and help me to be the best person I can be.



Good for you, I am just about to do something like this, sad to say. My dad has always been on of those "my way or the highway" types and doesn't really understand anything from anyone else's point of view...



Yup, me too, basically.



bombergal
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06 Jun 2012, 7:40 am

So where do I go from here? I can't erase the past because these memories creep up all the time (the body image, refusal to talk to me, my parents constantly asking me to change when I know I can't).

The only people that really love me in my family are my aunt and uncle and Grandma. Everyone else either tolerates or hates me.



bethaniej
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06 Jun 2012, 12:33 pm

Wreck-Gar wrote:
Eureka-C wrote:
While not directly related to AS, there is a lot of information about "toxic families" and "toxic relationships" - it might be beneficial to research this some more.

My heart goes out to you. I finally had to draw a line in the sand with my father who is a classic narcissist. I stopped trying to be the daughter who could never be good enough and stopped trying to reach out to him. For me this meant writing him a letter (at the age of 29) and telling him that the survival of our relationship was up to him. I would no longer be calling him, sending him birthday/christmas cards, going to his family gatherings, and sending him pictures of his grandchildren without being asked. I said I would enjoy talking to him, answer the phone and talk pleasantly if he called, respond to emails, and send him pictures of his grandchildren if he was interested and made the effort to establish a relationship. He called his mother/my grandmother and proceeded to inform her and all that side of my family about how unappreciative and mean I was to refuse all contact with him and to take him away from his grandchildren "just like her mom took her away from me." He twisted the letter/words to match his reality and has never in the past 10 years reached out to me. I have found other men in my life (primarily my father in law) to replace the hole and act as my father figure, supportive, loving, caring men who make me feel good about who I am and help me to be the best person I can be.


Good for you, I am just about to do something like this, sad to say. My dad has always been on of those "my way or the highway" types and doesn't really understand anything from anyone else's point of view...
-----This seems like an ASD trait though. Not being able to empathize with others very well, not understanding other points of view.



bethaniej
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06 Jun 2012, 12:40 pm

bombergal wrote:
So where do I go from here? I can't erase the past because these memories creep up all the time (the body image, refusal to talk to me, my parents constantly asking me to change when I know I can't).

The only people that really love me in my family are my aunt and uncle and Grandma. Everyone else either tolerates or hates me.


I think the best you can do is learn to let go. At times I've gone to therapy, but over time the bad memories have lessened, and i've learned to see what was good about my parents (my dad hit us out of anger---i look back and realized he had meltdowns just like my daughter does). My mom was kind of nuts. But they did some things well, and that is what I thank them for. I see them once a year usually, and talk to them a few times a month. I don't talk to them about things I know they won't support or agree with because we have so little in common, politically (that's a big one), socially or religiously. But I've found great family over the years in different places. I have a pretty good support system of people who I trust and who understand our idiocincracies. And for the most part, we are really pretty happy.

When I'm with my family (bro, sis and mom and dad....and families) I realize that THAT is the limited scope/realm. It WAS stiphling. But I don't live there now, and I can see it's smallness (rural mississippi and the bible belt). I don't have to fear it...or let it define who I am any longer. It doesn't have that power over me anymore....so I'm a little detached, but at the same time, I always enjoy the one holiday we spend together....it's just enough of my family to help me stay connected without eating my soul.

Good luck.



bombergal
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12 Jun 2012, 11:03 pm

If I die first (heaven forbid) how guilty would my parents be?