Step Parent needs advice

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I have a stepchild who lives in another state with his dad. I am married to his mother. We go up for visits and occasionally have him come down and stay a few days during summer. He is going to graduate from high school in May.

The problem is that no thought has been put into what happens when he graduates from high school. I have encouraged my wife to have a discussion with his dad about what needs to be done for his future. I’m not sure if college is an option or a job. I’m also not sure if living independently is an option. I did contact Autism Speaks who sent us an information package that has yet to be opened. As a step parent it’s hard for me to be too over bearing about the situation because I don’t want to come off as constantly nagging.

I’m afraid that he is going to be a lifetime couch potato playing video games all day and not able to have a productive life. I do not think that having him move in with us is a good idea because I have experienced how his mother handles the situations that arise and that is to just coddle him and let him get his way on everything. I can also see it causing marital issues with him living with us and allowed to basically have no discipline or boundaries.

I know that he’s expressed a desire to move here and I feel like my wife would allow it. I’m afraid that I am headed for a show down over the issue and it terrifies me. Every time she visits she tells me how guilty she feels. We have discussed it and as of now he’s going to stay with his dad. But I can see that changing rapidly and I can’t shake the worry that this is causing.

Has anyone else experienced a situation like this? Any advice would be appreciated

What exactly is your stepson's diagnosis?
What are his interests?
What does he think about his future?

Is there a special interest worth cultivating? Cultivating a special interest may be a stepping stone to learning new things.

I can understand that this might be a major concern. I wonder where your stepson fits on the Autistic Spectrum. There are a few Autistics that are Low Functioning or Medium Functioning Autistics. For these. it may be very difficult to achieve independence. But the vast majority are High Functioning Autistics [HFA] or Aspies who can many times make their own way through life.

Generally when I was young, HFAs or Aspies, if they were able to work their way to receiving a high school diploma were somewhat capable of developing independence. But in the current world, schools isolated them into special groups and gave them pseudo high school diplomas that didn't carry the same weight as a high school diploma. So what kind of track in school does your stepson follow?

What is your stepsons aspiration's. What does he want to be when he grows up. Have you ever asked him that? I asked my daughter when she was in second grade. She said she wanted to be a medical doctor. I helped her through the years guiding her towards that goal. She is a medical doctor today. So even if he doesn't move into your household, you can help guide him and open doors along the way.

I personally think that working is an essential part of becoming independent. I might recommend that should you allow your stepson to ever move in with you [that is if he is HFA or Aspie] that it be conditional on him getting a job and contributing by meeting his own financial needs. The goal being for him to become independent and self-sufficient and able to eventually live on his own with your family providing him a safety net should he fail at times.

Maybe there is some science activity you could do together.

Maybe cliche but a lot of kids would like to become a rocket scientist!

https://www.nar.org/find-a-launch/

As an autistic who is also a parent and a senior IT professional, I do feel quite a bit of concern about where this thread has headed so far.

I think through these issues on behalf of my own kids and other teenagers for whom I serve as a mentor, so hopefully I might have something to add.

This discussion will struggle to do a good job of answering the original question, while we take into account only limited information about your step-son's life experience.

Issues such as his sensory experience, mental state based on how his difference has been treated in the past, and potential for work based on his traits, all add vital nuance that would inform any effective answer.

That said, I'll lay out some generalities in the hope they might help, while assuming this individual has traits and intelligence that do not preclude taking a hopeful view of his prospects in the mainstream workforce.

An autistic who looks "lazy" is actually struggling to cope. The path to a more harmonious interaction between NT parant and autistic child depends on understanding and acceptance.

As a quick side note, let me implore you to take that autism speaks stuff and just chuck it in the bin, or at least view it with an extreme degree of skepticism. They dress up their stuff in sugary language and an appearance of concern for the child's best interest, while peddling dangerous distortions around the causes of and solutions to the challenges we face, especially the "higher functioning" autistics.

I want to ask you to understand and accommodate him, and I want to lay out in detail what this would involve. I know my window of opportunity to steer you that way in this thread is limited, because it's not exactly where you're coming from yet, and only in the longest view could it be regarded as an actual answer to the question you asked.

To whatever extent you end up playing a significant role in his development and future, I hope you both end up joining in discussion with a clinical psychologist whose practice specializes in autism, because this has a higher prospect of breaching the barriers to true understanding.

Now I'll offer an answer you may find more directly aligned to the specific question and context.

As a step parent, I think it's mutually beneficial between all parties if your agreement to any such arrangement is based on a clear understanding and agreement between all parties as to how it will be structured.

Items to discuss and agree in advance could include:
How will you all obtain quality knowledge which will help you understand him better?
In exchange for your understanding and accommodation, do he and his mom agree that he will strive to do his best towards further self sufficiency?
Is it mutually understood that an egregious breach of his commitment to do his best might impact on your continuing agreement to participate in that living arrangement?
What autistic peer groups and mentoring opportunities might be taken up as part of such a living arrangement? Check out the autistic self advocacy network for healthier connections than that other lot you mentioned.

If they try to bulldoze you into accepting a new living arrangement, but items like the above can't be addressed, maybe the path of less damage would be to define that as a fast deal breaker.

Best of luck.

i just finish Temple Grandin's book "The Autistic Brain" and think she has good practical advice on this subject. It's a short book and worth checking out. I also agree with all the previous advice is this thread. I have an aspie daughter who benefited from peer groups and a psychologist specializing in ASD. She is doing well in the first year of college but unfortunately has not yet worked except for volunteer work. She really needs to think about what comes next. You should also stay engaged with this forum for it is a great resource. This subject is rapidly evolving and here you can find advice from aspies of the undiagnosed generation and the parents of the present diagnosed generation. Many of us, like me, are both.

House rules, boundaries and direction are great. I have ASD and am fairly good at establishing rules and lists -lots of lists- to help manage (provide kind discipline for) the family. My NT husband struggles with guilt (like your wife?) and has difficulty with kind discipline. When our college-dropout nephew came and stayed with us I had house rules ready (very basic: e.g. cook one family dinner, sit with use for another three) and worked with him to establish goals (get/hold job, buy car, get own place to live, create a budget). He was on his own otherwise and there was a lot of movie watching. But he abided by the rules and by golly he met the goals (had to charge increasing "rent" to get motivate him for the last two). Step parenting as firm and caring support (as opposed to bossiness) is parenting --- in fact, I recommend that style for the biological parents also.

I am glad you care ---- I don't like the sound of "tough love" b/c people abuse that term I think (they are really just being touch and not loving at all), but the actual expression is what I do many times and recommend it. Explain what your intentions are (b/c sometimes actions seem to be in opposition) and ask what the child wants and thinks... etc. Perhaps basics you know already but I write this for myself as a reminder also.