VENT : How rude is this ? And how to respond ?

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My SIL is related a well known child development specialist in our hometown. My husband & I moved out of our hometown over 12 years ago, and no longer have access to resources there directly. My SIL (husband's brother's wife) had promised to help us secure an appointment with this specialist.

My SIL is trying to conceive. Supposedly, my worries over my son had affected her, but she had told me that she would still help me, regardless of my present "negativity". When she mentioned how my worries over my son were affecting her, I shut up and only kept to business details - such as our dates of visit, possible dates of appointments etc - with her. She had asked me last week if I was upset with her or anything and I told her that I was not, and that I could see how she would be afraid of ending up with a severely developmentally delayed child like my boy and that I would spare her the problems from now, sticking only to the point. I thought that the conversation had ended on a decent note.

I called today (almost 10 days later) to check if she had been to secure an appointment with the specialist. To my surprise, her SISTER answered the phone, and told me to not call my SIL anymore ! She told me that she had wanted to tell me off for a long time, for calling and "disturbing" her sister, and she hadn't done so before, but now felt the need to tell me to stop "harassing her sister" as "enough is enough". She then hung up on me.

Now, is it just me or is this woman a rude piece of work ? First of all, her sister - my SIL - is an adult and SHE should be the one deciding whether to talk to me or not.

Second of all, all I was doing was to ask a family member to help secure my appointment dates and times - I never even asked my SIL to accompany my son or me to these appointments. My SIL volunteered to attend with us, as she personally knew the specialist.

Lastly, this rudeness is unwarranted and talks about her character & personality.

I only said "OK" twice during her entire rant before she abruptly hanged up on me.

My question, though, is - how do I handle my relationship with my SIL, going forward ? Obviously, she mentioned something to her sister or her sister would not be talking to me like this. Should I even raise this issue with her ? I told my husband and he - like all men - didn't have any solution. He just said he didn't care, as this wouldn't affect his relationship to his brother ! And said something about "Women"....

Any advise for me, people ? I want to have a decent relationship with my SIL, so I have to approach this carefully, as this is her sister we would be discussing, after all. Thanks !

You can't have a "decent" relationship with people like this. Relationships are two sided. Both of these women are being pretty rude, inconsistant, and selfish. I would write them both off and strike out on your own.

Is there any reason you can't contact the specialist on your own? It maybe far away, but distance doesn't matter when you are contacting by phone or email. Her being related to the specialist should not matter. Your chances of getting an appointment are probably just as likely with out her help since it sounds like she wasn't planning on helping anyway.

I have family like this, my inlaws in fact. The best way to deal with them is to not deal with them. Interact with them as little as possible. They are drama seeking a-holes. If I could wash my hands of my inlaws I would. Unfortunately, my husbnad seems to like being repeatedly built up and let down by his messed up mother and psycho sister.

(bolding mine)

I think the above statement is the problem. I know you did not mean anything bad, but to a pregnant or aspiring pregnant woman, that would be very upsetting (If I am comprehending correctly and you said that instead of just thinking it.) That is probably why she is calling it "negativity."

I know to you it is not "negative" because it is your life, but she is at the stage where she is trying to imagine a perfect pregnancy and a perfect little child. Let her have that time.

I would vent to other people (and on here) but not to your SIL (or her sister)or your BIL. Talk about lighter subjects. I do not know if you will need to address this or if you can get away with glossing over it. You know your in-laws and can judge that better.

If you have to address it, just say you are sorry (even if you aren't) for being negative, you just have a lot of stress (you do) and you will try to keep things more upbeat, and that you understand that you upset her without meaning to. Then drop it, and don't elaborate with details about developmental delays and the like. That is what is upsetting her. Hopefully, she will come around and resume helping you.


As far as her sister goes: She was beyond rude. It is not her place to "protect" her sister from you unless maybe if she was already pregnant and super hormonal and unable to deal. I would still let it go, and just keep it in the back of your mind for future interactions. It won't help anything to escalate this, especially if you need your SIL's help scheduling appointments.

This may not seem fair to you, as you have all this stress, and it is overwhelming you, but it is the most pragmatic thing to do.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 25 Oct 2012, 2:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

Your comment that your SIL is trying to conceive struck me. I don't know if that means she is undergoing IVF? If so, you gotta cut her some slack as that can be an incredibly difficult process. Even if its not IVF and she is trying to get pregnant but not having any success, she is undoubtedly under a lot of stress and perhaps more emotional than she would be under different circumstances. I think we all have had the experience of something being very upsetting to us and realizing later that we made a big deal out if because of all the other things that were going on in our lives at that time. It is very possible that the sister blew something that was said WAY out of proportion and felt that she had to come to SIL's "defense". If I was in your shoes, I would not make any judgments until I had a chance to talk to SIL directly.

Is it possible that she meant seeing you was hard because she saw a wonderful mother - son relationship that she longed for, where you are doing your best for him and supporting him through his problems and coping well with it? Maybe she thought your comment about her worrying about how her child could have autism was a dig at her, maybe she never meant that at all. I dont know either of you or how it was said or meant but just wondering. Is she close to your son, because she may have been upset on his behalf, I would be protective over my nephew!

I have similar problems with various sister in laws Seems to be the way with inlaws Im afraid! Hope you can sort it out and move forward from this. If she is having trouble concieving it may be that you need to give her some space until its all sorted x

Somehow, there is more to the story. I am not saying you are not telling everything or anything like that, I'm just saying that this doesn't add up. Something is missing. It makes it difficult to know what to say, but I can tell you, I'd be annoyed at your SIL's sister. Though, when I really think about it, if I thought my sister was vulnerable, I'd do the same for her.

Family sometimes sucks. That is an unpleasant, but factual, part of life. I am sorry you are caught up in it because you have your own worries.

There is no reason for me to mis-represent this situation on an anonymous message board. I stated the facts here - SIL is trying to conceive, she is related to a well known child development specialist and I admittedly did ask for her help in securing a faster appointment. I also admittedly did share my pain with her. In addition, I was also a fool to not realize that she might be affected by my "negativity" as she calls it - and when I did, I apologized. i thought the matter ended there. Apparently, it did not.

SHE had told me to call her after a week to see if she was able to get my son a quick appointment. SHE volunteered to help my son as he is "faaaaamily". i guess my mistake was that I did not back the heck off when she told me she did not want to hear about my son's issues. i was a fool to believe that we had cleared the air up and that she really meant it when she said I should call her after a week to see if she had been able to get my son an early appointment.

I am no saint. i was thoughtless in sharing about my child's progress, but I am no mind-reader. When she finally came out and told me that she was being affected by my "negativity" but would, nevertheless, still help me out of the goodness of her heart, I should have read between the lines and left her alone. BUT, we are both supposedly adults, and allegedly faaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily.

Lesson learned.



Well, I will agree to disagree with you here. We are all adults and her sister should not be deciding who my SIL decides to talk to or associate with. Answering someone else's phone and thenranting at them - when you know that they are going through Hell - just says volumes about her sister's character. If you thought your sister was vulnerable, then talk to your sister or her husband. I could have given back as good as I thought but I have bigger problems on my plate and getting into a screaming match with an uncivilized relative of a relative is not at the top of my list of priorities.

I don't plan to judge my SIL. I don't care about her sister - she is no one to me anyway. I will leave my SIL alone. She knows my number and can call me if / when she wants to.

In the grand scheme of things and given my child's precarious situation, her sister's rudeness does not matter. Yes, I was hurt because SIL volunteered to help. I was too wrapped up in my own problems to see how my situation may have affected her, but I am over it npw. Can't afford to waste time and energy dwelling on other people. My son needs me.

HisMum, I don't know what your SIL is like so maybe this does not really apply to your case, however, I must agree with Bombaloo on this. I tried for 8 years to conceive my daughter and I was hurt on numerous occasions by things my in-laws said, whether they meant it or not. My niece and nephew are NT (well maybe borderline spectrum), so it wasn't about me worrying about having a child on the spectrum. They would say things like, 'If you had a child, you'd know all about it', or words to that effect. They were very negative about being parents and I never once criticised their parenting techniques or chastised their children, so they weren't getting at me for anything like that. One time, when my nephew was a few months old, we went to their house to babysit, as my in-laws were going out to a party. My SIL had on a nice dress and she was holding the baby in such a way that, if he was sick, she was going to get covered. In a light-hearted way, I said, 'Be careful, in case you get your dress messed up'. She replied, in quite a nasty voice, 'I don't mind. I'm used to it, when you have a child these things happen'. (To me, what she said wasn't even true, as I'm pretty certain she would mind if it happened and she had to search for another outfit, she should just have put on a dressing gown.) But her words were like - you wouldn't know, what with being infertile and all, silly woman, dont give me advice. I was really hurt, whether she meant to hurt me or not. I think she was stressed out, but I got the brunt of it. My BIL used to say things which hurt too, however he quite clearly has Aspergers, although he's unaware of it. I coped very well with my infertility, except for times like these. But, as I said, I don't know what your relationship is really like, so I can't say if it's just how her infertility might be affecting her.

I really dont know why your SIL cant be more supportive, or at least pretend to be, she must know that you have problems of your own and it helps to vent sometimes, just as she may need to vent to you one day. I do think she was being unreasonable. The problem is that shes not explaining it to you, shes jsut pushed you away and got her sister to do the dirty work, that isnt fair. I suppose you are doing the best thing by keeping away. Maybe you could send her a bunch of flowers or something just to let her know you are still there and whenever she is ready to come back and maybe even apologise for being selfish she can. I dont think you are in the wrong here, but maybe she has more problems than you know and will come out the other end feeling bad for pushing you away.

This in a thread ranting about the rudeness of other people?

Really? How rude is that?

Last edited by JoeDirt on 25 Oct 2012, 1:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I stick with my original post. Sounds like SIL and SILs sis are self centered and rude. Affected by your negativity? By just talking about *your own* child? They are way too sensitive and out of touch with reality if that is upsetting your SIL. Deal with as little as possible, avoid family drama, focus on your family.

Yes, this is incredibly rude. You shouldn't be stereotyping men, especially considering all the flack guys get around here for doing it to women.

You're right; The above statement is the problem... If you think that would be upsetting to an aspiring mother to be, imagine how it feels for someone who's autistic to read him/herself being described in that way... You know, we're people too. Whatever hell you think your life is going to become as a result of raising one of us doesn't even begin to compare to the hell we live every single day, especially when people refer to us like this all the time... You and the OP should be ashamed of yourselves. I feel bad for the children of both of you.

DerStadtschutz,

I took the OP to be making a sarcastic reference, based on her other numerous posts, not that she meant it literally. I may be wrong, but that was how I interpreted the remark.

In other words that she meant it to be critical of her SIL's attitude that OP's worries equate to being negative. I may not be wording it right because if you look at my screen name you will see that I am on the spectrum, too. I was not validating it as an appropriate attitude to have about Aspies or Auties. I was only saying the comment would likely upset the average pregnant/wanna-be-pregnant woman.

Are you for real ? Do you know how much my son is suffering ? Do you even barely get how hard it is to watch him struggle ? My SIL knows what I go through and probably worries that she may end up in a similar situation. No matter how you put it, seeing your child suffer is like having your heart ripped out from your body every moment of the day and trampled on relentlessly.

You worry about the here and now, and you worry about the future of your child. What happens to him after you are dead and gone and no longer around to look out for him and care for him ? You see, not everyone is high functioning or a Bill Gates or an Edison or an Einstein. Some of us do end up with children who may end up low functioning as adults and need constant supervision and care. If those children suffer, their parents suffer even more... Fear is a constant factor in your life when you have a child who, you fear, will never be able to speak or read or write or post on an Internet forum. A child who is vulnerable in every way possible and every day that they live. A child you want to protect for the rest of Eternity, except that no one lives eternally, and, one day, you will go, leaving that vulnerable child behind, alone, and defenseless. Do you get how that would make a parent feel, Mister ? You hope that your child will get up to speed some day but what if he never ?

You, sir, have NO clue what parents with a child who suffers on multiple levels go through. Grow some empathy in your system while you are at it.

Last edited by HisMom on 25 Oct 2012, 3:02 pm, edited 4 times in total.