Is it more difficult for Aspies to be good parents?

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Being a good parent takes knowledge, education, understanding, etc. It's not easy, even if you're a "natural". In my own personal experience thus far, I'm finding that parenting concepts do not come naturally to me, and I have to go out of my way to learn what children need and how to give it to them. I literally spend all day, every day, learning and practicing my parenting skills because I am so desperate to provide my son with what he needs to thrive.

When I was a kid, my mother would ask me if I was having a good childhood. I would always tell her "yes, of course I am". In retrospect, I've now learned that my mother (and father) both have AS, that I was neglected, abused, and generally did not have a good childhood. I just did not know any better at the time. I've heard more than a few Aspie parents tell me that they "know" that they're good parents because their children have told them so. I know from personal experience that that's no way to measure your success as a parent. I'm not even 30 years old, and I barely have any contact with either of my parents today. I told them that they were good parents decades ago, but now as an adult, I literally have nightmares about them.

I was just wondering what you all think of this. I'm clinging to the hope that it's not impossible for an Aspie to be a good parent, but I have yet to meet one who wasn't neglectful and abusive, but thought that they were a great parent.

Just a thought ... I'm not a parent, never wanted to be one, but if you look around and consider how many NTs are horrible parents, really abusive, violent, just mean, I think that AS shouldn't be a handicap because as your post shows, unlike those aforementioned freaks you can see in the news, you're at least making up your mind before such a decision and a thoughtful parent who knows what they're doing is much better and more important than the label AS.

You could say the same thing about any other disability out there. Can blind people be good parents? People with no legs? Everyone goes into parenting with their own set of deficits and strengths. It's not as though child abusers out there are all disabled in some way: even parents who have everything going for them can screw up purposely and horribly.

The thing that makes a difference with people on this forum and why I participate here: we know our demons, or are trying our best to get to know them. We don't blame our kids or assign them labels (can't tell you how many times people asked my if my son was a "good" baby. WTF does that even mean?) but instead look for understanding and solutions (and that even holds true for the parents who show up here with blaming language - because they're posting looking for help.)

Those of us on the spectrum or skirting its edges definitely have some serious issues to contend with. Our parents (at least the bad ones) not only had those issues, but zero understanding of them and zero support, too - and the way my parents managed their stress and confusion was to scapegoat me and call me names (in a socially acceptable way, of course. They had enough social skills to do that.)

I won't do that to my son. I try the best that I can to distance my own issues from his issues, and to tell him when it's about me and not about him. I don't always succeed at this (and I was far, far worse when I didn't know what we were dealing with or how to help) but he sees me trying and I think that's what is important. For instance, if I am feeling overwhelmed by something in the house and am starting to lose my temper, I will say "Mommy needs a time-out to calm down. I am not able to do this right now." or something like it, and will shut myself in my room until I can get it together.

This is totally different than my own parents, who would scream something like "Ungrateful brat!" or "I just can't take you people anymore!" or, my personal favorite "I wish you had never been born!" and who might break or tear up my stuff or stuff around the house. AS meltdown? Probably. Would I ever do that. No.

The times when I do lose my temper and don't make it to my room like I should (although as I write this I realize I have never done the things my parents did, at least) I go to my son afterwards and explain that I was wrong, that there was no excuse for my behavior, and that whatever disagreement we might have been having had nothing to do with it.

In other words, parenting is more about modeling how to own your own stuff, warts and all, and deal with it - not about being perfection to start out with.

Not really. All parenting has challengings.

An AS Parent of an NT child may face unique challenges in navigating their child's social life since the NT child will be into that.

The only way AS could make him a bad parent would be if they were an isolationist aspie and they forced that on their kid.

I am finding it difficult to put my kid first. I try to but it's so hard. But I still give him love and I enjoy holding him and kissing him and rubbing his face and hair and co sleeping. I still feed him and I wash his hair or his body when I shower because I find that easier. I let him stay up with me so I can do my things and I have to set myself a time for when to go to bed like after the movie ends or show, then I am putting him to bed. I love him and want whats best for him but putting him first is hard. I delay doing things for him because it takes me longer to do it. I sometimes feel like a bad parent for it. I don't see anything wrong with taking a shower with your toddler so I don't feel bad for that. I take baths with him sometimes. Everyday I try and be a better parent. I know parenting is hard for everyone but it's probably harder for people with mental conditions and mental illnesses and neurological disorders and perhaps for those who aren't able bodied. The important thing is he still loves me and still wants my love and he comes and hugs me and wants to be on my lap or want me to hold him or sleep with me but he is a toddler and small children love you no matter what. They will always want your affection and crave your love. I do give all those to him and they come naturally. Everyone also says I am a good parent but I also wonder what exactly is a bad parent? Bad parent seems to mean when you don't meet someone's standards of parenting. Anything you do can make you a bad parent. To me, child abuse is beyond being a bad parent and so is neglect. Plus lot of parents feel sometimes they are bad parents and wonder if they were cut out to be parents in the first place so the feelings I have are pretty normal. Plus everyone has a bad parenting moment. Lot of it is just with making mistakes.

How exactly were you abused and neglected? What is your definition of abuse and neglect?

Last edited by League_Girl on 30 Nov 2012, 1:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think this is it, in a nutshell - being or feeling like a "bad" parent is distinct from actually causing your child harm or neglecting their needs. The key is, are you thinking about your child and his or her needs - and trying to satisfy them to the best of your ability. Not perfectly, but trying. If your child isn't doing well despite your efforts, are you seeking help? None of these things are neurotype-dependent, but they are a good way to frame what a "good" parent is.

I'm not sure whether I'd be a better parent to an AS child or a NT one! On one hand, I'd relate better to an AS child. But on the other, I'll have difficulty teaching the AS child social skills since my own are marginal, whereas a NT child will essentially figure those out for him/herself.

That being said I've got another conundrum: I'm more likely to fall in love with another Aspie, but a NT would make a better mother to complement me as a father, having skills I lack while I have skills she lacks!

The truth is no one is a perfect parent. We all do something wrong parenting wise, because we are human. I'm NT, and I am by no means a perfect parent. What's important is unconditional love, and examining yourself honestly. If you feel there is something you can not provide for your child, try to find someone else to fill in that gap. Like if socializing isn't your thing, but you know your child needs a role model in that regard, find another adult who is good at it to spend a bit of time modeling that behaviour for your child. Let your child know that this is an area you have difficulty with but that there are other ways to behave as well. I like what one of the posters said above about being a good role model by honestly talking about your shortcomings with your child in an age appropriate manner. I do the same thing if I feel I didn't behave the way I should. I apologize to my son and explain that sometimes mommy makes mistakes too and that it's not his fault.
Honestly, we all make parenting mistakes, no one raises a perfect kid. We just do our best.

From your descriptions of your 15 month old son's challenges, I think you would be feeling the same way right now even if you were NT. From my experience with an AS son and NT twins, ASD kids are harder to figure out, NT kids are better at communicating to you what they need, and their needs are easier to satisfy. I remember when my son was about 3.5, I started thinking, "I had good parents, I'm doing what they did, I'm following the advice in the parenting books -- why is this so hard? And why is no one else in the playgroup finding this as hard as I am?" I thought either I wasn't really cut out to be a SAHM or the other moms had some code of silence going on. Now that my daughters are 3, I can say that a day with my son at that age was objectively harder than a day with my twins.

You are doing the right things, researching parenting skills and seeking help for your son. These are probably some of your darkest days, still waiting for a diagnosis and figuring out the basics. Your son would also develop and grow, perhaps on his own path, even if you were to do nothing. Things will get better over time. This is longer than a marathon -- it's more like hiking the Appalachian Trail -- so figure out how to spend half an hour or more a day on something that rejuvinates you.

zette, I think that is exactly right!

Honestly, I'd rather have you as my parent saying this, than an NT one who thinks parenting does not take any work on the parent's part any day. As a mother of two, I am stunned by how many parents a) put no thought into their own parenting and b) put no thought into what their kids really need. Many parents appear to think that kids kind of raise themselves. At least that is the impression I get from watching some of my kids' peers.

I think mindfulness is important. I also think viewing life as a series of teachable moments (for you and your kid) is important. Because your kid has SN and because you recognize your own limitations, it seems to me that you are likely to be a better parent than one who just flies by the seat of his or her pants without giving any thought into what they are doing.

It does get easier, btw, and some of the things that seem to require a lot of thought and effort will become easier over time because you will have had the opportunity to practice.

Based on a very limited sample size, I have found most parents do not over analyze everything they do, like we are forced to do everyday. They either do what their parents did plus minor modifications reflecting current medical advice or what their social group does. When they do "navel gaze" it is weird Mommy War stuff and usually amounts to just reinforcing and defending their "positions" on mostly stupid stuff.

Being Aspie or NT parents of spectrum (and other special needs) children requires more effort, and this generation of us has many more tools (Thank you, Internet!) than others before us. All other things being equal, NT parents are probably better at balancing who their spectrum kids children are, and teaching NT skill sets; and Aspie parents are probably better at "getting" what their children are doing intuitively and coming up with instinctive solutions. NT parents are probably better at handling the sensory issues of screaming meltdowns and things that require flexibility on their part, while Aspie parents are probably better at teaching coping skills for faking NT behaviors, etc.

I don't think one group is necessarily better suited for parenting. As always, it depends on specific strengths and weaknesses and a willingness to learn.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 02 Dec 2012, 9:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't believe it's more difficult for an Aspie to be a good parent.

I believe it's just more difficult for an Aspie to be a parent.

There is no reason our positive qualities can't be equally as good as any decent NT parent. As others have said, neglectful or abusive parents come from across the whole of society, being an Aspie doesn't automatically mean you can't be a good parent.

It's just the challenge of parenting when you have executive dysfunction makes it harder, the sensory issues make the screaming baby/child harder to deal with, we are more likely to suffer anxiety from parenting than an average NT parent - or at least suffer more depth of anxiety. I'd like to see any evidence that the negative aspects of Aspie-hood are any worse for a child than the negative aspects of anyone. The tricky bit is the social side, but there are ways round that.

There might be different issues depending whether the child/ren is/are NT or Aspie, but I still don't believe being Aspie makes you more likely to be bad parents.

Like everyone, I make mistakes, some of which are probably because of my AS, but I am way more dedicated to the wellbeing, safety and comfort of my children than most NT parents I see.

I do not think I will make a good father. I believe I have to much baggage and I overthink things too much. A child learns by testing boundaries I have major problems with setting boundaries. I was a child who never tested my parents boundaries. A child is going to have their needs first before mine. Can I do this at least at this time? I don't think so. I have major things to catch up on compounded with my executive functioning and my anger.

Thank you so much, this is exactly what I needed to hear! I do have a habit of comparing myself to other mothers, and I easily lose sight of the fact that my son is not typically developing, and that he would be difficult for anyone to manage. My mother watched him once and couldn't even change his diaper without help, and here I am being hard on myself for having difficulty spending 50 hours per week alone with him.

Thank you very much, I really appreciate the encouragement. I guess that it's very difficult to feel like a "natural" mother when I watch other mothers not put in the effort that I do, but their children still develop typically. Some will even stick their kids in front of the television for half the day, and they'll tell me that they're child is advanced. It's hard to not blame myself.