Aspie Brother issue....please help

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Earlier today, a man tried to approach me and my brother. I yelled at my brother to run...he stared at me and kept walking. The man got closer and I screamed for my brother to run and get in the house, he walked the entire time. I frantically opened the door and yelled for him to hurry up and get in the house. He took his time and I wanted to scream. There was danger and he just stated at me and took his sweet time.


When we got inside, I realized that I had caused him to go into sensory overload and I felt AWFUL. At the same time, I wanted him to realize that the man could have harmed him. I have him his space and later spoke to him about it. He said that he didn't notice the man at all and wanted me to specify as to why he had to run. I told him I would follow through on that but it still bothers me.

Why didn't he respond to my frantic behavior? I told him to run....he just walked and that scared me more than anything.

What do you think about this?

I think I spent a large part of my life being drastically misguided by people I thought I could trust. So, when someone tells me to do something, I wait for an explanation. And when they start behaving dramatically and expending lots of energy trying to make me so emotional that I will obey them without question, the very last thing that is safe to do is what they tell me. If they had a good reason, they could have said it 3 times over in the time it took to frantically demand my blind obedience. If they choose the melodrama instead, it can be assumed they didn't have a good reason.

Maybe your brother has had similar life experiences to me. They seem very common for folks on the spectrum.

What do you mean by "tried to approach me and my brother"?

Was he acting in a threatening manner? Or was it just that he was a stranger? Was he somewhere where he should not have been? Was there anything odd about him?

The man was acting in a threatening manner...began walking towards us at a brisk pace.

My brother has never been misguided by those he trusts but it helps to hear from you about this.

First question for me is how old is he?
Does he usually need a cue to get his attention? Like touch?
It sounds like he wasn't processing you being alarmed and also you were asking him to do an action quickly (run) wasn't maybe registering yet.
Is he very trusting?
My only thought is you can go through a plan of attack for it there is danger but be careful to not start a fear that may cause anxiety in the future. It's a hard one as we all can react in different ways to situations.

I can't address what your brother did because I simply don't know about that.

But what I can tell you is that you did exactly the right thing as to the threatening man part of the scenario. Safety experts advise women and children to do exactly what you did; yell, scream, get loud to attract attention. That's exactly what predators don't want. The experts also advise running.

The link is advise from a retired FBI agent about self protection. Especially see The Yell paragraph.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33436827/ ... idnappers/

Last edited by MountainLaurel on 07 Jan 2013, 8:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My brother usually needs a touch to get his attention, he's almost twelve. I spoke with him and asked if there was a word I could use as a cue. He said he wants "RUN! There's a man! Get to the house!" He was overwhelmed by my yelling....that's why he wasn't responding. He was focused on wanting to get home because he was tired and frustrated because he didn't know what I was talking about.

Thank you for the link by the way....it helped. It feels good to know that I did the right thing.

He wanted specifics as to why he should run. This agitated me at first....however, I need to help him understand instead of focusing on his lack of.

Have you got a Parent/Grandparent to help as well? It's great you want to protect and help your brother but l am also thinking if this has happened before and if they are aware?

You can use the term 'safe person' and you didn't feel safe with this man. So when you don't feel safe you are going to ask him to do the cue you gave him. Have a talk about who are safe people and who are strangers will help too. Keep it simple as you don't want him to become anxious. I hope that helps.

Yes ma'am, I notified our parents immediately...this is the first time it has happened. Since then, we have all spoken to him about safe people and strangers. Who he should go home with....who he shouldn't etc.

Another important factor is whether or not he recognizes you as an authority figure. I do not know how much older you are than him, but sometimes kids can be rigid about who has authority over them and so he may need more convincing from you than from a parent or other caretaker.

I think it is good that you are talking with him about how to communicate emergencies so he is prepared. That should be very helpful.

I'm in my early twenties....I helped raise him and I take care of him everyday. He sees me as an authority figure at times, sometimes he doesn't want to see me that way. Which is fine....I just want him to understand that in a situation like this, he HAS to do what I say. I kept him updated on what was going on...how I felt etc.

I understand. That sounds like you are an authority figure to me.

My son is a lot younger than your brother, but I when I need to tell my son something quick that is safety-related I say "safety issue" or "safety" in a voice that indicates an impending danger, before giving my instructions and physical cues (like leading him away from the danger) and that seems to work for me in getting close to immediate compliance. He would normally be asking "why?" or complaining or dawdling or whatever. I don't know how well it works on tweens, though although if you explain it ahead of time I think it will work, because he will at least know it has to do with his safety.

Sometimes, you just do need to be more literal. We experienced this with my own son when he was smaller - we directed him to "look both ways," and he did - but then he stepped into the street right in front of a car (I was holding his hand, so no harm done.) I later realized we needed to say "Look both ways to make sure the way is clear and there are no cars coming" this wound up meaning we'd have to wait for cars two blocks away, but eventually he generalized enough that he figured it out. Fortunately for us, we live on a one-way street!

In this situation, you may need to practice with your brother. Explain that there will be times when you need him to act, and don't have time to tell him exactly why. Find a word that works for the two of you. Also, I'd include more specific information on exactly what you want him to do - for instance, I would try something like "Danger! Run home fast and get inside the house!" "Danger! Get into the car quickly and lock the doors!" etc.

Explain to your brother that you couldn't figure out the intentions of this man, and that you were being cautious. While I think you totally did the right thing, do keep in mind that this type of predator - one who grabs children they don't know - is fairly rare (although somebody who doesn't back off the instant you start yelling is someone to be concerned about.) Tell your brother that you notice things that he doesn't, and you want him to trust you when you say "danger."

I would suggest explaining to him what happened and why you were telling him to run, then I would suggest establishing a code word that you can say when he needs to get away from someone but you don't have time to explain.