Husband won't forgive son's rage damage without apology

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I am frustrated, hurt, resentful and who knows what else.

My 14 yo son was recently diagnosed with Asperger's...he also has Bipolar. He has always had rages but the last several months (up until a month ago) he has escalated and caused a lot of damage to the walls and had gotten physical. After looking at medications and time frames, the more intense rage behaviors escalated with the introduction and increase of Zoloft, which caused 2 hospitalizations and almost residential treatment.

He has a new doc, is off the Zoloft, Risperdal has been added and has been doing much better. He is now working on social and communication skills.

Only thing is the huge holes are still there...we don't have the money to fix yet.

My husband does not want to do anything with my son...tonight I had to refuse to go with them so they could have dinner out together. My husband is upset because my son has not showed any remorse or apologized. This has been going on for 4 weeks and he has just now told me why he is not wanting to interact with my son.

I feel so badly.

Is this common? It's like he can't accept my son's limitations.

Thanks for any insight.

what would be so bad about your son apologizing? it's a social skill that would be good for him to learn.

I agree that it might be a good idea to apologize. I also believe that in time that your son should not have to feel limited because that could be a reason for the rage problems itself. Yes, he does need work and it does sound like he is improving, but to think of your son is having limitations because of bi-polar and Aspergers I hope will be an afterthought some day.

Good question.

We are working with an Intensive In Home Therapy team and, unfortunately, my husband has been unable to make it to many of the family meetings. I guess we have been focusing on getting him stable and have overlooked that.

Thank you for your post...I am not looking at things from the right perspective. I think the next meeting with the IIH Team I will ask them to help us address accountability.

Thank you...

I have to say that I feel like such an idiot reading the replies. I feel like I am a bad mom.

I want my husband to understand that my son is not a defiant kid.

The rages have been from manic phases and related to his obsessions. I do agree that he will feel better about himself the more we empower him and help him learn things that do not come naturally to him.

Drywall it is actually very cheap to fix if that is what he damaged. It just requires a lot of elbow grease. Just look on Youtube for directions on what to do. Personally I would have my child fixing the drywall even if they don't do things right. When one sees how much work it is to fix things they break. Well that usually has one thinking twice about doing that again. At least that was the lesson I learned when I was younger and did something similar.

Gnomey...the drywall repair is something that a contractor needs to do...believe me, these are not small holes. My son is working on helping us pay for it.

Unfortunately, he is not one that will think twice about doing things again as these are not intentional. Were he a "normal" thinking child, many lessons would have been learned. That is why it has been so difficult to parent him. Our goal is to help him learn skills to regulate his emotions better...which will in turn minimize the damage.

Since you have a husband to co-parent with you, it would be a waste of precious resources to not use his parental instincts in addition to yours, though his instincts will be different from yours. Why not start by assuming that his intentions are equally in favor of your son's best interests as yours are. Men have wisdom too; especially when it comes to raising males.

Accepting that your son's limitations may not be at the base of your husband's frustrations right now. Your husband knows that unless your son starts to understand the outcome of violent outbursts (no matter the reason for the outbursts) your son will suffer severe consequences down the line. Consequences imposed by entities such as the police and legal system of which the two of you have no control. Perhaps your husband feels that your son needs to start understanding sooner than later; understanding being a learning curve that takes time.

Yes, addressing accountability is essential. If not started now within the loving community of family and councilors; it will be started later by the emotion-neutral law enforcement community.

Consequences are not punishment or shaming, they are the fare that is intrinsic to any destructive act. Consequences, though costly, are also intrinsically instructive. Please do not squander this precious resource by making sure that anyone except your son pays the full fare for his destructive acts.

Yes, fixing holes in drywall is good do-it-yourself choice. Compound needs to be spread in thin layers with a day to dry between each layer.

Last edited by MountainLaurel on 24 May 2013, 9:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I fixed a hole 20" across. It took about 3 weeks, at about 20 minutes per day.

OMG...I know how to repair freaking drywall (known how since I was in middle-school). The largest is probably 4' x 3'. This is NOT the type of damage that is easy to repair if you do not have the right tools and materials and considering the time value of money. I would post pics, but what's the point.

I am upset that my husband (my son's step-father) is ignoring (unable to relate with) my son who already feels bad about himself. Not only does my son need to learn accountability...he needs to feel loved. I am no bashing men. We have had the police involved and they have been great. I have no doubt he is interested in helping my son

I feel bashed at the moment and very misunderstood.

I feel like my son needs a DAD as well as a FATHER...something that has always been tough since my son is not sporty and into anything my husband is into.

Maybe your husband is scared? By scared I do not mean that he is scared of your son harming him, I mean that he might be scared that your son is not going to be OK and he is distancing himself, unintentionally because of that. Different people react to things in different ways, and men are socialized most times to hide when they are scared or concerned. So sometimes it comes off as something else.

I can understand why your son wouldn't apologise. He was put on medication which fueled his rages. Did he ask to take that medication? Was it his idea? Unless it was, why should he apologise? It would make much more sense to ask the doctor who put him on it to apologise for the blunder.

Oh, and I've never been on Risperdal, thank God, but from what I know of it, it is likely to cause the person who is on it to stop caring about much of anything...

Not reading all these replies but if someone smashed giant holes in the walls of my house I wouldn't be too thrilled about it, either.

It costs money to fix and creates a ton of unnecessary work. I'd have to repaint the walls, too.

Mountainlaurel touched on what I think is important here and that is that shame should be avoided. You should not feel ashamed, you are trying to do the best you can. Your son should not be shamed for his actions. If he is helping to save up for fixing the damage, I think your husband should take that as an apology (just my humble opinion). It wouldn't hurt though for your son to express regret as I am assuming he feels it. Maybe that would help your husband feel like your son does respect both of you as perhaps he feels respect is lacking?

I often can't apologize after a meltdown. It's not that I'm not sorry, it's that unless I feel very safe, the only way I can actually get the words out is if I switch into self-hating mode. (In which case I say sorry way too many times while repeatedly hitting myself and crying nonstop.)

The boy should know his place and apologize for his actions.