Falling Apart

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I was more meaning some type of respite care. I send mine to my step-mom's house. She loves to play cards with him. My dad likes to build stuff in his wood shop as he's able. They sometimes visit people that do things like blacksmithing, which he thinks is super cool. They have a lot of open space in a field, an upstairs room with a huge movie selection, and she's a fantastic cook that makes cookies and bread all the time. But she is also incredibly strict and has a never ending list of menial chores that boys who backtalk can be doing instead of those fun things. I know that kind of place wouldn't work for a great many kids, but for a hyperactive ODD kid it is a good balance of structure, consequences, and incentives.

I'm going to respond to these seperately..

Thanks for your perspective. He sure is pushing that boundary and that I can accept. It's the aggression that comes with it that I don't like or accept. He's recently taken off on his own with permission. Yesterday was the first time he "took off" without letting me know where he was. He ended up going to the basketball courts with his basketball (in our neighbourhood). The consequence today - removal of his basketball. I wrote him a letter for him this morning that explained why I've taken it away (until further notice). Playing basketball is not a problem - even if he's there alone (which I dont like) but going without letting me know where and when, is not ok. Going when he's grounded is also not ok. Going to avoid finishing his homework was not responsible .. and going for 3.5 hours was almost worrysome since he's never been away for that long - and in an unstructured setting.

It's become a non-issue now. He thinks this boy is troubled anyway .. swears a lot and calls people names, etc so I don't think he took the accusations personally. It appears like he knows this issue was more to do with that boy then himself and understands all the adults who got involved.

He returned home with his basketball in hand. He was quite chipper too..
Your son sounds off too. Sorry to hear that.. and I agree with you to a point. My son's behaviours aren't new. They are just at a higher level than before. I'd say, his behaviours lately are much like those of grades 4-5. It's like he's regressed. The running off - he used to "run away" from me but I'd always catch up (if we were in a public setting). So yesterday's situation was new in the sense that he took off from the house. I was at the bank at the time.

My son is twelve, also. We go through stages very much like what you've described in your post. I quoted the above, as it would seem to offer a positive path through some of this.
May I suggest that when he gets up in the morning and says sorry, that you take the opportunity to simply thank him and give each other a hug, or if you do not like hugs, a warm smile? Giving a lecture can come at some other time. I find separating these types of conversations very constructive with my son.
They are growing and changing very fast. Lots of love, lots of strict rules, less lectures, is what is helping me and my twelve year old at the present time.

I'll take a look at this link when I get home from work.


He's aware he's an outsider. At the same time, his peers accept him for who he is. The other day, a group of classmates were cheering him on when he was playing 1-to-1 basketball with another peer. Of course, none of them liked the other kid (calling him a dork) so they cheered my son on for a reason.


I don't think I'm the babying type LOL I'm a pretty black n white parent. Optimistic about making friends? No. I know it's really hard for him. He is in grade 7 and it's the first time he's had friends over consistently.. and it takes a lot of coaching when something doesn't work out well.


I agree. Luckily, he's always been involved in extra-curricular activities - but his social deficits make it hard for him to connect with kids well enough to initiate contact out of these programs. We tried a few times with 3 different kids but it didn't last.. although in these particular cases, it was more to do with those children than my son. Socially, they were wild.

The social waters for boys get very, very tricky in middle school. My son was well accepted until he made one simple mistake: told the truth when a teacher asked him a direct question about something that had happened in the locker room one day, a bunch of boys just being silly until someone got hurt by accident, and everyone feeling pretty bad about that part, but when the teachers came trying to figure out who to blame, all the kids covered for each other. Except my son who, when alone with that teacher, just gave an honest and short answer to the question he was directly asked. A huge violation of the middle school code which put my son on the wrong side of kids who had always stood up for him, and my son was incredibly confused by it all.

And I was furious with the teacher for putting an ASD child in that position, because of course my son was going to tell the truth. I said he owed me, and he had to keep an eye out and stop the bullying all this had started. It took half a year for all that to settle out.

And the discussions with my son about middle school code, truth v. evasion, what is the right thing to do ... well, I don't know if I've ever sorted all that out, and trying to explain it to my son was like walking a mine field.

Point being, everything can change on a dime and something that may seem little to every teacher and every other parent you know, may actually be changing your son's life at school dramatically.

Meanwhile, please do take care of yourself. There are a lot of head down - stay focused periods when raising a special needs child, and you are in one. There will be another side, but the ride until then can get rough. The only way to make it is to make sure your needs are met, too.

Nope. Summer is around the corner so I'm going to try and sign him up to a summer camp of some kind. We were going to plan a trip but I don't think we've changed our minds. I need a break.

He saves it for home. He cares too much about what other people think.

I was suprised, actually, and yes, I did thank him for the apology. That was the first thing I acknowledged and told him it makes a difference. At the same time, it was a beautiful sunny day so I'm uncertain if the apology was just so we would take him on an outting. He seems to think a "sorry" makes everything go away. He still doesn't hold himself accountable. Having said that, he doesn't usually admit to anything so his apology was out of character in the way it was done .. so I thanked him for it.

The lecture, ya .. it could have waited.

Thanks for all your feedback and suggestions. I didn't respond to everyone but I appreciate what was said.

The meltdowns lately are usually over 2 things:
1) Homework
2) Encopresis

The homework issue, his teacher seems to think he's being avoidant lately. It could be due to the increase of work load all students are getting. It could be due to the content (socials/science/novel study) that's hard for him to understand. There are a lot of big words he's having to define and remember and I don't think it sinks in for him. His novel study, he has to make a prediction (which is fine) but then having to explain what each chapter is about, is brutal. I've spoken to his teacher and we'll try to work something out.

Encopresis: This condition is when people have BM accidents. I understand why it's happening and apparently it's not a long term issue. Also, we've started reintroducing foods he was once sensitive to but has created diarrhea. It's really embarrassing for him to the point where he's avoiding taking care of the problem until I prompt him to. The smell has since transferred onto our couch. We've tried different strategies around it - didn't work - so I've litterally FLIPPED both couches up against the walls. It's a hard smell to get rid of!! Is it humiliating? Yes. Does it fuel aggression everytime I ask him to take care of this - yes. I've told him I am THE SAFEST PERSON to tell him about it. Not only can he develop further issues by ignoring it but can you imagine a classmate noticing it too? I am trying to prevent him from being humiliated by his peers because THAT'S a situation that will scar him for a very long time. I've also explained to him about what Encopresis is and that it's a temporary condition - relatively normal - and that I'm not at all upset by it. What I am upset about is when this problem starts affecting other people and is damaging furniture. I am scared his peers will find out and - gawd knows what! I was at least able to get him to tell me that he was embarrassed/ashamed about it which is a HUGE step forward.

So .. this week he is grounded. He's to work on a TOP 5 list throughout the week in order to earn fun time at an upcoming festival. So far, things are not going well at all. I DO see effort though but the aggression still comes up around homework and BMs. On a posititive side though, today is going rather well.. at least in terms of aggression and homework.. but arrived home an hour late.

We'll see..

Last edited by ASDsmom on 04 Jun 2013, 7:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Maybe you can make arrangements about homework at school? A lot of kids have modified homework - either less, or they do more on weekends.

However, we have DS do it at school - they have an afterschool program for this purpose. That way, when he's home, he's done. If your son has an IEP, ask if somehow they can accommodate him doing homework at school. Explain about how he saves up the behavior for you (sometimes the school needs to know.)

That's the thing though - the teacher has always said, "Do what you can." All year he has been doing well with it and lately there's a lot of issues around forgetting work, text books, notes.. What I don't want him to learn is that these "modifications" just means he can slack off. It's a fine dance.

you could try an automotive deodorizer for the couch, my old truck had a bench seat that smelled really bad, my dad got this stuff from autozone I cant remember the name at the moment but it worked like a charm I think it was something with ozone in the name

Definitely so, I understand. Do you think the school can offer him homework support before or after school?

Well, we only have a few weeks left and then he graduates elementary school. He'll be attending a specialized program next year, high school, which will be perfect for him (hopefully).. AND he can still work towards a diploma. Small class of 14 students, less teachers. Luckily, he still enjoys joining different clubs and such so I'm hoping this trend will not be sabatoged by his peers and teachers.