How the hell I am supposed to deal with this?

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10-year old DD with diagnosed HFA has this weekend started a facebook account. I found out today by chance when a search led me to a facebook page and there were messages. She had used the tablet and was stil logged in.
DD is in boarding school, went back today after a weeks' holiday. Rang boarding school in a right state because DD has been explicitly told on many occasions she is not allowed to have a facebook account till she is 13. They will address it and will not allow her computer access at school or boarding if for no other reason to get the message through that she is not immume from consequences because she is not at home. I will speak to her case worker on thursday and take it from there.

She has only been boarding since November. She misses her previous school despite being bullied and eventually socially excluded and it has taken her till now realize that none of her 'friends' have even bothered to keep in touch through phone or e-mail.
Curiosity got the better of me and I looked at her friend list.
Turns out one of the friends she invited is actually a teacher from her old school and the teacher has accepted her friendship

My first reaction now is to go to her old school tomorrow but it would help me if I had some more opinions on this. To me it is totally not acceptable that a teacher should in any way or form encourage 10-year olds to participate in facebook. There are a few other children from the same school on DD's friends list although I did not go as far as seeing if there were other children on the teachers friends list.

Am I sitting on my moral high horse or is it really not acceptable for a teacher to encourage 10-year olds to participate on facebook? Apart from the fact you have to be 13 to be on facebook and the teacher knows damned well the real age of DD.

I think approaching the former teacher would make you look insane. Many children younger than 13 have Facebook pages, and the teacher probably thought your daughter had your permission.

I would also think the teacher may have accepted a friend request from your daughter out of kindness -- to let her know that someone from her old school still cared about her. Tread lightly.

I am whondering, why you suspect that teacher to know, that you forbid your kid to have an facebook account? I mean you are angry, because that teacher accepted her in her contact list, but thats a rather normal thing nowadays, that teachers and students have each other in facebook contact lists, so how should she have known, that your kid was forbidden to have an facebook account? O_o

If you feel alienated, because of the name "friendlist". Nowadays it rather normal to have all sorts of contacts, you normally separate them afterwards. So while facebook calls it still friendlist, in reality it has become various list from coworkers, previous costudents and teachers, real friends, relatives, hobby-interests people, ...

I think its rather normal, that your kid, now that she is in an border school, wants to stay in contact with her old friends and classmates. And todays kids rather dont use E-mail or normal phone anymore.

Personally, as long as she is not 13 I´d simply insist on her sharing the password with you, so that you can do a look at her profile from now and then, to care that there are no creepers or whatever.

Hmm, ok. I have calmed down over this. Well, to a degree. On the teacher thing anyway.
For the rest I got 2 more days to chew this over before I speak to her case worker. Thanks for the feedback.

Whats wrong with FB? My kids had it since MySpace went to crap. Even my dog has a FB page.

Between the possibility of pedophiles using this as a vehicle to find children, and the reports of facebook-based bullying, I understand there are legitimate reasons to be concerned about facebook. So let's imagine that both of these issues were addressed, are there any remaining problems with facebook for a 10 year old?

I'm asking because I see a lot of potential positives there. First of all, you said your daughter just started boarding school. If this is the case, then it is a completely new and unfamiliar setting, and connections to her home and her old teachers may be comforting to her. It's what neurotypical people use for that sort of thing these days.

On top of that, it does seem to be well-known and popular among younger children. Did your daughter discover facebook through peers? Is she getting facebook to imitate them? When a child with an ASD starts doing things to imitate peers, I see this as reason to celebrate - they are showing social awareness and interest, which is an early step to growing socially and developing social skills. Sometimes there is a mixed reaction, if what they are imitating is undesirable, but does facebook fall into that category?

Additionally facebook is potentially a great place for a child with social deficits to practice social skills, because they have time between posts to think about responses. It is a social situation set at their pace. On the other hand, social blunders on facebook may have more weight than in real life, because they are seen by many people...still in a boarding school, there must be a powerful gossip-mill.

I think it's possible to mitigate those potential negatives, while letting her have her facebook. All you'd have to do is insist that she share her password with you, so that you can read her facebook account. If facebook is not a secret to you, the parent, then it becomes a way that you can monitor your child's social development, and give help as needed. You should promise not to post anything as her, of course, but make it clear that you intend to read her conversations with others. This probationary period, where she has all the networking of facebook, without any privacy could last until she's 13, or whenever you feel she is ready for it. At that point, you can give over the reigns, and let facebook also be private for her.

By doing that, you will be able to maintain a connection to your daughter while she is away, monitor some of her social environment and give advice as needed, and ensure that she is safe from online child predators and bullying. On top of that, you'll have this long period with her using you as training wheels to help her get used to facebook, and cope with difficult things that come up, so when it's time to use it independently, she's ready.

Alternatively you can insist on no facebook. And I imagine she would be one of the few people at her boarding school without it...since FB is such a great way to connect to your family while you're away. So she can stay at her boarding school, where you said she has no friends. She can try to make friends using her limited social repertoire, and she can do it while being completely blind to conversations that all her peers are engaging in on facebook. She may lie to you and make an account anyway, and you may insist that her teachers closely police her internetting, and this will create another layer by which she is socially ostracized. I'm not saying all of this definitely will happen if you don't let her use facebook, but they are possibilities.

It is possible to protect her from the risks associated with using facebook through oversight. There are also risks associated with cutting her off, I just wanted you to be aware of those too.

Some more thinking and talking since and really it is not about facebook as such.
Bottom line is a moral viewpoint but a lot of it is to do with DD herself

Although she is 10, she has the emotional maturity of of 8-year old on a good day.
I have always tried to be consistent in what is allowed and what is not and have tried to teach her the difference between right and wrong.
I am not religious but that don't mean to say I don't have a moral compass. One that I have cultivated over the last 30 years after I hit a moral vacuum in my late teens. My parents were (and still are) hypocrit catholics who followed the 'do as I say, don't do as I do' rule. I didn't enjoy my parent's unfairness when I got a beating for doing things that they did too!

Now I am expected to not make a fuss over the fact that the legal age on facebook is 13. That it is ok because lots of 10-year olds have facebook accounts as the family worker at boarding tells me ( I got a phone call of her today)
But by allowing DD to have a facebook account I am in a kind of way reassuring her it is ok to falsify her DOB and it is not really is it now?

Where does it lead. Should 16-year olds be allowed to access hard core porn site because everyone at school does it? Maybe some 16-year olds possess the maturity to do just like some 10-year olds would be mature enough to comprehend the shallowness of most interactions on facebook.
But my DD doesn't in my opinion. And I really don't want to raise her with two sets of rules

Last edited by guzzle on 11 Mar 2014, 6:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.

This is another issue, she would not be allowed to use facebook at boarding school anyway as in her group they are not allowed to do any internet activities that require a log in. Her only access to it would be at weekends and holidays.
School is a different story. Through her Howrse account, for which I have the password, I know for a fact she logs in during the week and that she still has contact with 1 girl from her previous school.
This is one of the things that no doubt will get raised on Monday which is when I see the family worker (whom is not the same as DD's case worker)

If a child wants to "friend" me, I will let them, but I never "friend" them. Overall, unless it is a close relative, it feels strange to me, but I also don't want to hurt a child's feelings.

And I have not asked to follow my niece's private Instagram account even though she follows my public one. I simply told her that I assumed it was for her friends and to let me know if she wanted me to follow (she hasn't, so I think I read that right).

Just FYI.

My own kids don't use Facebook because I do, and that has made it decidedly uncool to them.

Fighting FaceBook and the million other things like it is impossible. I suggest you friend her - that way you can see what she's doing. Internet communication is part of life now.
With regard to the morality of her disobedience, I have a quote:

"The more you tighten your grip . . . "

I would also say this: I have a number of friends who made a facebook account expressly for their kids to keep in touch with people they've moved away from (in one case, there was a divorce and it became the vehicle to bridge shared custody, which I thought worked out nicely) FB has the advantage of privacy settings provided an adult is controlling them (meaning, if your child only accesses FB under your direct supervision, you can set the privacy settings for each post.)

I could see where a former teacher might assume this child was on FB with your permission to keep in touch with old friends. I'd want to read any communication between them, though.

As for the other issue - DS is old enough for an account, and I explained that he has enough trouble socially when face-to-face - he's not ready for the social minefield that FB can be. He reluctantly agreed. The cyberbullying issue is not small and kids on the spectrum can both be bullied AND be bullies; they often don't have the social skills to figure out the difference between gentle teasing and actual hurtful statements, and they don't tend to know when to stop. We did also (until this year) use the fact that DS would have to falsify his age as a reason not to do FB, I think it's legit on its own.

While I think it may be OK for a kid younger than 13 to have an account, I'd have a hard time with the idea of my child having access to an account while under someone else's supervision. It takes a LOT of supervision to manage digital media.

now there's a thought. years ago a friends suggested I have a facebook account. I asked why on earth would I want one. She told me to play games.
Thing is that in the end of the day it is an invasion of my privacy. On top of which I am pretty much an e-diot so I would never be quite sure wether I have kept up with the latest privacy settings. It's more hassle than it's worth tbh.

I willingly will step outside my comfort zone for a purpose but I have never sold out and not sure I can do it this time. It's like expecting of a pro-lifer that their 14-year old has an abortion. Or telling a vegetarian that their child has to eat meat.

I think you may be mistaken here. It's really not that much hassle. Besides you might want to learn this stuff yourself because it's only going to become more complex.


I don't get the selling out reference. Do you find internet communication to be morally wrong?

It really is that much hassle. Been on the internet since 1999 now, I have figured that much out by now.

In my view it is morally wrong to teach my 10-year that is is acceptable to lie. And to get on facebook as a 10-year old you HAVE to lie about your age. Selling out reference refers to doing something that goes against your beliefs. And I do not believe it is in DD's best interest to be on facebook. Lying about your date of birth is not a little fib either.

For the rest I got no issues with internet communication. DD has an e-mail account of her own and she has a whole friends list on Howrse. I have suggested she check out the kids crater here but she is not up for it.

I remember my parents use to take me to R rated movies when I was underage. I was a movie freak when I was a kid. But what was R rated in those days you can see on prime time now. I don't know. Lying is not black and white. (This is more theoretical than practical as it's obviously your call on the issue.)