Any parents of AS girls?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi there!

I just posted an intro in the Getting to Know You section.

I am the daughter of an AS mother and my daughter (8yo) is possibly slightly AS as well.

I'm very interested in how AS affects girls as opposed to boys. My daughter has exhibited behaviors that have been quite challenging since toddlerhood. A lot of them are very aligned to AS, and since I know I have it in my family, I have always wondered if that could be it. But she also has behaviors that are very contrary to AS.

In many ways she is a typical girl. She loves to cuddle, hug and have physical contact. She does well in school and has friends. She doesn't have a "special interest" beyond cats. She really loves cats.

I've heard girls with AS develop fascinations with animals, though most girls do...

But she isn't exactly thriving all the time either. She has very high anxiety--panic attacks at school. She has regular emotional breakdowns that leave her crying, sobbing and panicked. She has always stimmed. When she was younger, she would spin. She also becomes hyper tactile for days and weeks at a time. I can't really explain it. But I'll try. She has to pick everything up and move it around almost unintentionally. It's almost hypo-manic. She picks stuff up, puts it down, touches something else, picks it up, puts it down. Have you seen this before?

Her current stim is to pretend to write in the air with her fingertip. It looks like she is just twitching her pointed index finger. It looks quite odd. She does this almost all day. She does this especially when she is anxious, which is a lot. She has always chewed also. I bought her some "chewlery" (a special chewing necklace) from an autism site and it seems to help her soothe.

She doesn't really play with her toys, dolls, etc... She organizes them. She used to line them up when she was younger, but now she spends much of her free time in her room arranging her stuff, and then rearranging her stuff and then rearranging her stuff again. She likes to hang out with her cat and she spends free time researching cats and writing reports on cats.

But she isn't really obsessed. She just really likes cats! She likes other stuff too.

At this moment, I'm just concerned that she lower her anxiety a bit. She's too young to be spending so much time worrying and freaking out! She has many good days, but her bad days can be quite bad. I had to pick her up from school the other day because of panic.

Her teacher suggested putting her on a low-dose SSRI (her teacher has a son with autism). I'm reticent to do this, as I would rather find different solutions but I'm not necessarily opposed to it.

Anyway, there's other stuff too. I don't want to write a novel here. I'd just like to reach out to any parents who have daughters on the spectrum and get some opinions. Thanks!! !

Welcome to Wrong Planet Thera!

My 13 year old daughter is aspergers and was just diagnosed in November. She also has some stims, although they came about lately or I didn't really notice them before. She likes to chew things too and she has a lot of anxiety and her coping skills are about that of a two year old, but she talks like she is all grown up.

She loves our cats too - we have 4 and they really help her calm down, except when she is worrying about if they have left the apartment or constantly filling up their bowls of water. She also obsesses about our door being locked and fears people will walk into our home.

My daughter has meltdowns and is very anxious about different things like she hated going outside after dark for a long time and she avoided leaving our apartment one summer too and preferred to socialize on the net.

She also has trouble understanding how her behaviour affects people, so if she provokes someone and they retaliate, she will only see that they hit her or said something mean to her etc.

Edited to add - My daughter is affectionate at times, but they are like loose hugs and it is a real treat if she says she loves me. If I tell her I love her, she usually asks me why I am telling her this. Her twin is the opposite always clinging to me and saying she loves me constantly.

Edited to add - I forgot to mention that my daughter has lots of friends too - I always figured it was because she has a twin sister and learned how to socialize from her. She still is immature in her relationships, but people still find her funny and entertaining. She is really close to a boy at school who I suspected had aspergers because of stories my girls told me and what I had read about boys with aspergers. He sounds like a professor and I was right because today he admitted to her he has it. I am glad for her that she has found a kindred spirit.
My daughter hates a lot of noises like sniffing, blowing your noi\se and especially noises made when chewing food. We have to keep the tv or music on, so we can enjoy eating our meals, without her freaking out. I find she has bionic hearing and she has to sleep with a fan to tune out background noises.

My daughter's special interests are video games and Yu-Gi-Oh cards and she really still loves Pokemon at times too.

My daughter can be loving and affectionate, but it is kind of a loose hug and it is really a rare treat when she tells me she loves me.

There are some great books for girls with aspergers - Aspergirls was one I really enjoyed. Your daughter does sound like she may have ASD with the lining up of toys and her fascination with cats.

Feel free to private message me anytime, always glad to share stories about have girls on the spectrum.

Not sure yet whether or not I belong in this thread...DS8 has AS, and we're concerned about one of his 4 yo sisters (her fraternal twin is definitely NT). She's got the inflexible streak (which is giving her preschool teachers a lot of trouble) and some meltdowns that are nowhere near as bad as his were, but not the other symptoms like motor and pragmatic language issues. So are we seeing things because we're so sensitized by our experience with her brother, or are we missing it because she's not as severely affected? We're in wait and see mode right now...

You definitely want to get her some help for this. At 8 she's starting to be old enough for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which you might look into whether or not you consider medication as well. There's also a pretty good book called What to do When Your Brain Gets Stuck.

Dd just turned 17. Remarkably high functioning until puberty, then things went downhill. Hoping the end of the teen years will bring improvement

Tiredmom - My daughter did really well until puberty too. I have wondered if once we pass through the teen years, will she remarkably improve? Her coping and executive functioning skills are like 2 to 5 years old and she is 13, so I wonder how long it will take to bridge the gap. They say that aspies are 2/3 of their biological age, but my daughter can seem like a toddler when upset - she was all sad on Sunday because her sister popped her balloon - she even looked like a 2 year old with tears streaming down her face. It took her hours to get over the fact she had lost her balloon.

My dd is 14 1/2 and on the spectrum. Although the psych. suggested it was probably Asperger's, her main challenges are cognitive so most of her current needs are academic accommodations designed for kids with autism. She had lots of struggles with behaviour (hard to find the right discipline for her in our large, free-range attachment-parenting family) when she was younger, then with social interactions when she hit puberty, but now things are much better. In middle school she had no supports and girls really mistreated her. Now, in high school, she has better support, her resource teacher chose great teachers for almost all her subjects, and they watch her carefully to see needs more help. (She has an SEP that allows modifications, but usually does fine with accommodations.) She's polite and quiet in class, and now participates a lot more. She is actually happy about school this year.

I do see some social struggles, but not the same as I have seen in the boys we are close to who have AS. She is extremely fair, kind, generous, affectionate and considerate. She went through a phase in which she desperately wanted friends and got into a lot of messed up situations. We really encouraged her to have a couple of trusted friends come over, but she prefers her siblings' friends, and all of us work with them and her when needed to smoothe things out. I am so proud when her sister or brother call their peers out for bullying or teasing or criticizing her, and then tell her these people are jerks... great social practice haha! The downside is she can be pretty rigid in her expectations and rude when they are not met. At this point, we don't coach her much and I treat her meltdowns as I would any teen tantrum, by being as kind and understanding as I can about her frustrations and disappointments, debriefing afterwards, and avoiding them as often as I can. She's extremely logical and will cooperate if we talk to her calmly and reasonably.

I think girls approach their special interests differently as well. Mine played with dolls and stuffed animals and engaged in imaginative play, but tended to play with the same doll endlessly, and did like to count her WebKinz. She spends a lot of time in front of screens, but so do all my kids. One thing I notice is that she is never "just a little bit" interested in something. Whether it is counting calories, reading horoscopes, watching decorating shows, putting on make-up, reading about religion, or anything else that has caught her interest this month, *everything* is very intentional, careful, thorough, enthusiastic... or it isn't done at all. And when things aren't finished, or aren't perfect, her anxiety soars. We only got her sleep issues worked out this year (and she still goes to bed late and can't get up in the morning).

I am constantly amazed by her, and have learned so much from her! And things are much better this year than last.

J.

We run into issues with that rule of thumb, as well. I am not sure of its origin, but it does not seem to apply to us, either. We are running closer to 50% - 60%. He is diagnosed HFA, I don't know if that makes a difference, but it makes sense to me that the emotional ages are going to be a spectrum too.

My daughter is 12, soon to be 13. She has never had any special interests really. She likes information in general, reads all the time, but has pretty much followed her friends lead when it comes to things. If her bff liked anime, she did. If another friend liked a certain television show or book series, then she did. I called her out for this recently and said, "What do YOU like?". She very scornfully informed me it was good to like things and show interest in things your friends do. She's right, of course, but I'd actually like her to focus more on her passions, whatever they may be, versus following the crowd.

She also is very affectionate and always was. Loves cuddling and says "I love you" all the time.

She was diagnosed with AS at 4 1/2 after having lots of behavior problems in preschool. She didn't want to sit in circle time, got frustrated easily, would yell, "no", when she didn't want to do things. She had some small motor issues that we worked on with an occupational therapist and she did a social skills group which she loved. By kindergarten she was doing great and we had a long stretch of smooth sailing.

Now in middle school things have become more difficult. Not academically, but socially. She is very aware of her peers, what they think of her, who is popular, who is not. She knows that she comes across as awkward and shy and hates that about herself. She tries to put herself out there and be social, but it drains her. She also observes how awful the girls are to each other and just does not get why people are mean for no reason. She told me a few days ago about sitting in the library next to a table of popular older girls. She said as one girl would leave all the others would start talking behind their back. Another would leave, they would talk about her, etc. She just does not have the stomach for this kind of stuff. But she is keenly aware it is going on all around her. Middle school is just.....blargh!

Anyway, I do think girls with AS may not fit the profiles contained in many books. I know when we started looking into things I never had an "ah ha" moment where I felt - yes, this is it!

Best of luck to your family!

Hi, I have a daughter who while in retrospect was not "neuro-typical" managed to function satisfactorily. Her high IQ helped mask her differences. As noted by others once she hit puberty it all went downhill. We had no idea that she was on the spectrum or how to help her. And unfortunately we are still struggling. She does not accept her diagnosis and will not accept any sort of therapeutic options or medications to help her anxiety, OCD or depression. She is isolating, and doing poorly at school. She is completely inflexible about making any changes or accommodations.

I think others have said it, but get help now instead of waiting if you have any suspicion of ASD. I so wish we had known sooner.

Is anyone out there struggling with my issues? We are considering wilderness for a second time and are also looking at therapeutic boarding schools. She just wants to stay home and continue on as she is doing. I don't want to traumatize her again, but I'm afraid of letting her continue struggling on her own. This is all breaking my heart.

Hi, I have a 13 yo daughter who is an aspie. She is affectionate, cuddly, and loving. Always loved cats, and we have 2. She also loved to spin and would commandeer the swing at the park. We worked on our emotional IQ's as she grew up, so she can be verbal about what she feels. Of course, this doesn't stop the anxiety/meltdowns but she can tell me that she is feeling really scared as we go to the Dr. for her immunization shots! After, we work on letting that moment go, and not letting it ruin the whole day. There is always a reason she feels this horrible anxiety and has a meltdown, sometimes it is obvious- immunization shots. Other times it has to do with school, and I am clueless unless she tells me about it, usually drama with friends. But knowing definitely helps!

So do you know why your daughter is having panic attacks at school? It is a big plus that you seem to get along with her teacher, and she is going through a similar situation with her asd son.

As for being hyper tactile, my cousin has always done this and he has ADD with hyperactivity. I read somewhere... that about half of those with autism also have ADD? I am currently looking into attention deficit disorder for my daughter.

Best wishes!

Perplexed mom - My daughter does accept having aspergers, but she too refuses to have any help for it. I even found her a social skills group near our home that watches movies and plays video games, stuff she loves and she totally refuses to attend. I have her on a waiting list for an ABA program through the children's hospital. I am hoping since it will be another 5 months at least on the list and the program starts with the parents, that she will want to attend by then. My daughter has some ADHD and I read that fish oil could help her focus, but she didn't even want to try that. The only thing she will take willingly is her melatonin for sleep because if she doesn't take it, she will be up many times througout the night and won't be able to turn her brain off.

My daughter is hoping to get into an aspergers program for high school next year. (will find out in the next couple weeks). She hates middle school, so I think she is welcome to attending a special school so hopefully she enjoys it. She also got into a technical high school that has hands on courses such as food services and construction because sitting in a normal classroom is so long for her. I am hoping we can pick the right school for her next year because the transition will be awful for everyone.

Perplexed mom - sorry to hear your daughter is struggling. We got our dx when our daughter was young, and she has known about her AS for a long time. She accepts it, but is NOT happy about being different. She expends a lot energy trying to fit in, and we are really working on self acceptance, both strengths and weaknesses.

I think at this age it is difficult to force your child into any kind of therapy. They have to want to do it for it to have any benefit. Perhaps you could present a list of options to your daughter - social skills groups, one on one therapy, books about girls with AS, etc and let her choose what, if anything she wants to try? My daughter recently decided she wanted to talk with someone (other than me and her Dad) about her feelings, issues she was having. We were lucky enough to find a wonderful therapist who works with adolescents on the spectrum. My daughter seems to really enjoy these sessions and the privacy they give her to explore her thoughts. She doesn't share much with me about what they discuss, but it has seemed to help her have ownership over her situation. Example: therapist suggested some dietary changes, my daughter thought it was interesting, and that perhaps she might explore it in the future, but decided not to make changes now. Her choice - but she knows that option is there.

In terms of schooling, there are some wonderful online high schools now. Stanford has one that looks amazing - just throwing that out there since you mentioned your daughter has a high IQ. On the other hand, if she wants to stay in her current school/situation, maybe set some expectations for her? For our daughter, we gave her some broad goals - a minimum gpa to maintain, participate in one sport, participate in one extra curricular. As long as she did those things, we promised to be pretty hands off and let her make her own choices.

Anyway, I totally realize every child is different, and what works for one, may not for another. For all of us moms with middle school daughters - we and they will get through this! These are just tough, tough years.

Best of luck to all and sending everyone a hug and some chocolate or wine - your choice!

My daughter was first diagnosed with classic autism and last diagnosed with pdd-nos, though I realize that diagnosis no longer exists...so I don't know where on the spectrum she falls, but I am certain she is not NT.

I find her core issues are difficulties figuring out the intentions of others, poor emotional regulation, some rigidity and overbearingness, difficulty transitioning, getting mentally "stuck" sometimes, and a tendency to shutdown when overstimulated, either physically or emotionally. She is affectionate, highly verbal with good prosody, is not robotic in her movements or facial expressions, is fairly outgoing and social (on her terms and only when not overstimulated), and is able to interpret social information fairly well as an observer (but is quite impaired when involved in the interaction as a participant). She can "pass" as NT fairly frequently, but I will tell you, when she loses the ability for the first time in front of someone, they are usually floored by what they see because she goes from seeming like a fairly normal but quirky little girl to someone who is notably impaired in a very short period of time.

I feel worried by how many people are commenting that things got worse with puberty. This is not the first place I have heard that, unfortunately.

Just a quick note to say hi, my DD aged 10 is high functioning ASD. She is very very affectionate and cuddly but only with a very specific number of people, me, her dad, her grandad. That's it. Her special interests are horses and science. She is also high anxiety and prone to meltdowns. Doing fine at school academically but she's only friends with the social outcast in the year above and another in the year below. Hoping she meets a wider range of people in high school. Good luck!

Aspie girls tend to be social chameleons. When you can't make or keep friends using social skills, you use shared interests instead. Growing up, I used to do the same thing, but without the self-awareness to know what I was doing. It continued into my mid-twenties, when I finally had a moment of clarity and sat down and made an honest list of things I liked and activities I enjoyed (and it took some serious thinking). Up until then, I would just identify a crowd that might tolerate my presence and emulate them.
In your situation, the best thing might be to just encourage your daughter to emulate social groups with positive qualities. Emulation itself is a coping mechanism that may be essential for her to avoid being ostracized during her high school years. Encourage her to be herself at home, but I wouldn't push her to do the same at school.

Thanks for your insight YippySkippy. I had figured it was a coping mechanism, and a good one at that! She definitely "let's her hair down" and is herself at home and around a few close, long term friends. The girls she hangs with at school are okay, mostly nice and good students. They are kind of a mid range popular group, and there can be some "mean girl" issues at times. She flat out refuses to befriend several girls who are quieter and more on the sidelines, who I think would be great friends for her. But, I'm trying to be hands off and let her make her own choices. Both me and her therapist have told her by choosing to be in this group, she is making things more challenging for herself, and creating an environment where she feels uncomfortable being herself, and thus copies the others.

I never had any desire when I was in school to associate with the popular/cool kids in any way, shape or form. I realize it's my daughters life and choice, but it puzzles me to have a daughter with AS who is so aware of and concerned with the social hierarchy at school. Any other parents dealt with this?

Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts and you sharing your experiences!