How do you help your AS child's siblings understand?

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My daughters are 13 years old and of course have always wanted everything to be fair throughout their lives. I have always tried to be as fair as possible, but now things have had to change because of my daughter's being diagnosed with aspergers last November. Her NT twin feels that I am now kissing her sister's butt and doing everything to please her. And in a way I am because the alternative is her AS twin getting angry and violent with both of us and it being a very chaotic environment.

Yesterday, my NT daughter was not in a good mood all night and it had something to do with her sister, but she refused to talk to me about it. I made omelets for dinner and I ended up feeding her sister first because if we let my AS daughter get too hungry, that is a trigger for her meltdowns. I rushed to make my NT daughter's meal within 5 minutes of her sister's. She still wasn't happy with me.

We got a new cat this week and because she is 3 years old, it is taking her a while to settle into our home. She was in my room the first night on Tuesday and in my AS daughter's room on Wednesday night. The cat is very shy and will hide all day and only comes out at night. So my AS daughter was really disappointed when she got home from school on Thursday and the cat was hiding all evening. The cat decided to come out around 9:30 pm and my NT twin said it was her turn to have the cat her room. With some coaxing, I was able to get my AS daughter to put her in the other room, but then her sister did not want her to play with the cat in her room.

I tried 3 times over half an hour to explain to my AS daughter that it was her sister's turn to have the cat in her room, but she was so sad and crying that she couldn't play with the cat after waiting all evening. Her sister was saying I want the cat and I want her out of my room. Well that wasn't going to work with her sister getting all upset, so I ended up giving the cat back to my AS daughter in her room for the night. Then my NT daughter was crying and upset, so I just couldn't win at all. And I felt really bad for her too. My AS daughter promised that she would make it up to her and let her have the cat in her room the next night. (She usually keeps her promises because she knows how important they are to her)

I had to get to bed for work the next day and it seemed to be the lesser of two evils to have my NT twin upset, rather than my AS twin who would have gotten more and more upset and probably ruined all of our night's sleep.

I am having such a difficult time trying to get my NT twin to see how hard life is for her sister and how much calmer our household is if we do help her AS sister stay calm. I ended up getting the cat after months of deciding whether or not to get a new one because I wanted to add some happiness to our home and something to focus on rather than my daughter's autism. On the day we adopted our cat, my AS daughter found out she would be in school for an extra year in high school - 5 years instead of 4. I kind of wanted to distract her from this news because of course she isn't happy that her twin is going to graduate a whole year before her.

MY NT daughter understandably does not like all of the accomodations we all make for her sister, but that is the way life is now. Will she get over it?

I know you have too much n your plate, but I would (somehow) try to have a special day with your NT daughter ---maybe when your AS daughter is doing something she likes but that your NT daughter would not feel left out of.

It is hard for NT siblings and probably extra hard for a twin, especially after 13 years of everything being the same. She'll get over it eventually once she understands better, but right now it seems like "bad" behavior is being rewarded and her "good" behavior is being punished. It is hard to explain that you are doing what you are doing based on them having different needs. It is hard to explain to a child because it is a much more nuanced view of fairness.

There may be small things you can do that make her feel appreciated. Maybe randomly give her stickers (that her AS twin would not want) or write her cute little notes or something.

The reason your daughter might have been upset about not getting to play with the cat is because it might have been an unexpected request. It might have seen unfair to her, because she expected an equal chance to get to play with the cat and suddenly she found it had implicitly been her sister's turn all along.

Coming up with an agreement before hand about those kind of things might be useful. I used to always want to split things into equal parts, be it food or computer time, or whatever. --Althought-- I had a hard time actually complying with them. I think it was probably due to my mismanagement of stress. I think having her get ready for the bad feelngs of distress at being dissapointed that she can't do something that she really wants to would probably help. Like, having her admit, I usually react like this and I don't want those feelings to prevent my sister to have her fair share of cat time would be the goal.

There's probably a lot of old wounds between your two daughters that need to be resolved. She probably had your own theories regarding your daughters's behavior and to suddenly see seemingly selfish or rude behavior go unpunished is understandably hard to tolerate. Maybe her sister can try to explain why she does the things she does or you can give an approximate explanation.

So you feel like you have to coddle her? This is a kid that has gone her whole life not knowing what the hell is going on with her. I don't think it's fair to write her off as unreasonable. Don't ever coddle her. From her point of view, first of all she will probably be able to detect that you are giving in while thinking of her as unreasonable and it will make her feel awful about herself, even if in the moment she feels temporarily relieved. Second, you are not moving foward with her at all, you are putting a bandaid on too deep of a wound. You are giving the household temporary peace but robbing her of the chance to learn self help skills.

No, you couldn't. It sounds like both of them were playing you like a fiddle. I'd have taken the cat away from both of them. That's what happens when my kids fight over something - they both lose it. You'd be surprised how well they've learned to negotiate with each other, as neither wants mom to have to get involved.

Both of my kids are autistic so I've got no answers, but...

^I would do this too. Either that or get another cat. I have resorted to buying two of certain objects that both my kids like to have (not sure if I'd go that far with a cat though ).

Well it turns out that I knew what I was doing because the next day my AS daughter happily gave her sister the cat for the night and her sister has allowed her to visit the cat in her room. They also happily shared the cat all weekend. I realize everyone wanted me to take the cat away from both girls, but that would never have worked in my household unless I wanted to listen to my aspie daughter scream, rant and rave for hours.

I think I am starting to know when it is worth battling with her and when I should just throw in the towel. Like last night, she wanted to have another dessert beccause she didn't realize we had cheeze sauce and nachos and she had some gelato instead. She was starting to hit and kick because I was not allowing her another dessert and then I told her that I was her mother and was allowed to tell her no. I then offered her cereal and she happily took that instead.

It really is more art than science, isn't it? I couldn't explain how I "know" if I had to. It drives me crazy.