Mom of adult child needs support

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trollcatman
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22 Aug 2014, 6:30 pm

YippySkippy wrote:
Regression therapy is infamous for producing false and incredibly disturbing memories. I'm surprised to hear that anyone still practices it. :?


Isn't that kind of regression therapy usually the kind that tries to retrieve memories from past lives (reincarnation)? I think that's definately nonsense, I'm not sure about trying to retrieve memories from your current life. Still sounds like quackery, I don't think there's a reliable way to "retrieve" memories and also be sure they are correct.
Sad situation. I'm not sure what to say about it. Maybe changes in his life make him reconsider (graduating, getting a job etc).



YippySkippy
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22 Aug 2014, 9:12 pm

Not past life regression (that's more of a religious thing for those who believe in reincarnation) but "recovered memory" therapy. The one where everyone was "remembering" that their parents were sex fiend devil worshippers who murdered babies. That one.



DW_a_mom
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25 Aug 2014, 2:13 pm

brokenheartedmom wrote:
I am wanting to stop paying his bills and tell him that the next check will come when the three of us are sitting in a counselor's office. My husband just wants everything to blow over. It has nearly broken the two of usl



This isn't going to just blow over, although there is a possibility that the counselor he is seeing MIGHT eventually help him turn these stories into more fact based versions, in which case giving the process time could be a viable strategy.

But at some point I think you do call it, and I like the approach you noted above: he gets the financial support when he agrees to and, in fact, does meet with you and your husband in a counselor's office. Or, if the therapist recommends it, at least allows you to meet directly with his therapist as a go-between. I don't feel that is an unreasonable condition at all, even if he will be able to spin it as if it is. I might even be willing to do the family counseling with his existing counselor; point being, there are things that need to be worked out together.

Do note that family counseling is not normally recommended in abuse situations, so if his counselor is open to family therapy, you have a hint right there that the counselor is wondering how much is truth.


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brokenheartedmom
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25 Aug 2014, 8:27 pm

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I think this is very good advice. I hadn't considered asking to meet with his counselor with him. God only knows what he or she has heard about me but it might be interesting for her to meet the "monster" in person.

I can't do anything until he wants to but I will hold this thought until the day (hopefully) when he is ready.



kindbear
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28 Aug 2014, 3:35 am

My Son age 35, I spent 35 years of my life trying to make him the best of the best, with lots and lots of issues, SS have let us badly. I am trying to find a mum in the same situation to get together to share problem and experiences. because of my son I left his father.
My som was diagnosed with Asperges/Autism/a mild learning disabilities. He is charming young man with no friends, He is very vounrable young man.
anybody out there please e mail me.



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28 Aug 2014, 10:27 am

Kindbear, are you Nigerian royalty by any chance?



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01 Sep 2014, 12:54 pm

BuyerBeware wrote:

Aside from that-- I might be mean, but I'd stop supporting him. I might cover his health insurance, but other than that, if he won't get help, I'd quit paying the rent and keeping him fed. I'd confront him with it straight-out: "If I've been so horrible, it would probably be a relief to be shed of me. So either we're going to pull together and do whatever it takes to straighten this out, or you're on your own, kiddo."


If he is constantly at risk of suicide from the sound of it....that approach would likely lead to just that.... :?,


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01 Sep 2014, 12:58 pm

tarantella64 wrote:
MacGyverAspie wrote:
It sounds like he needs psychiatric help and should be in a psychiatric facility if he is having daily thoughts of suicide. He is being delusional and isn't thinking normally.

If he is on your health insurance, once he turns 27, he is automatically off your policy under Obamacare. As a parent, you need to be firm with him but at the same time get him the help that he needs. He needs to be evaluated ASAP otherwise he will commit suicide and no one wants that to happen.


Stop being alarmist. Suicide threats are serious but few people who threaten people actually go through with it.


And much of the time when someone assumes the person won't attempt to follow through or even succeed then they find out that person committed suicide. Perhaps better to be a little 'alarmist' concerning suicide....since the worst being alarmist causes is too much concern over the issue towards someone who is not in real danger(not too terribly harmful) vs someone assumes wrong the person wont actually act on it and then they end up doing it.


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01 Sep 2014, 1:05 pm

brokenheartedmom wrote:
YippySkippy wrote:
Quote:
2) He has radically different interpretations of, basically, life (ie "getting sent to your room" turns into "getting locked in your room," "not being given a snack while supper is on the stove" turns into "being starved," "finding brother's company more pleasant at times, or enjoying brother's company for different reasons" turns into "only loving brother," and et cetera). I realize how ridiculous it sounds, but just hating yourself can do that.



Exactly. There are small truths to his stories. His bedroom door only locked from the inside. When he was a teenager and he wanted to keep playing video games instead of coming to dinner I would say, "We are eating dinner now. If you want to eat later then you can eat Cheerios." That isn't abuse.. it's parenting.

He acused me of trying to have him castrated. The truth is that he and his brother weren't circumcised because his brother had a minor birth defect and the pediatrician didn't want to do it at that time. The American Academy of Pediatrics was saying that less and less people are choosing to have their babies circumcised and they didn't recommend it so when baby #2 came along we didn't have him done either. What followed was a series of infections and so we made the decision to have him circumcised at 3 years old. We made the decision that we thought was right when he was born. We made the decision that we thought was right when he was 3. There is a huge difference between circumcision and castration.

His brother was easier to deal with and that may have made it look like we favored his brother because his brother didn't get in trouble as much. As God is my witness, I love both of my children. I love them differently but if I didn't love this child I would not stay up nights grieving over losing him.


Well perhaps since autism effects behaviors....a lot of times autistic kids end up punished for things they can't really control or don't have much understanding over. So in retrospect looking back it can feel very hurtful feeling like you where getting in trouble for essentially being you. I mean what reasons was he 'getting in trouble' significantly more than his brother. I remember since I was not diagnosed as a child my parents and others treated some of my autism related troubles as 'misbehavior' which looking back I can sort of see people didn't understand but at the same time its still hurtful looking back on it. Perhaps something like this is part of where all this anger he's having is coming from.


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01 Sep 2014, 1:40 pm

I can remember some of those things growing up, too (hell, some since I've been grown-up).

My ADHD cousin was a real social butterfly; as a teenager, I was flatly convinced that, had she said the word, my dad would have swapped my slow-speaking, serious, boring self for her rainbow colors and butterfly wings. In a heartbeat. To my eyes, it was written in his behavior.

Older and wiser, I realize that he might have been amused by the sideshow, and might have found her antics relaxing because she was less mentally taxing, funnier, and above all NOT HIS KID. But it was I who was his child, and he loved ME.

It took most of a decade, and a lot of distance (and solving my own problems, and landing my own sh***y jobs, and paying my own bills, and making my own friends, and generally realizing that I was worthy of my own respect) for me to see that.


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