Preparing for parenthood

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Hello all,
I'm really hoping you'll have some advice for me. My girlfriend and I are going to be marrying soon, and are planning on having a child within a few years. She is mildly autistic, I am NT but raised in a family where autistic behaviors were the norm, though undiagnosed and often not coped with in the best ways. We've decided that my girlfriend will be the birth mother of at least our first child; it's an experience she wants to have, and I have health problems I know are genetic because I inherited them from my parents, which I would hate to pass on to a child.
We're working out a lot of things about our relationship since finding out she's autistic, including living arrangements, sharing space, time, housework, physical affection, all of that. Having a baby is a dream of ours, and I desperately want it to happen, but I can't help but worry that I'm committing myself to a kind of single parenthood. I want us to be in a place where we can take equal roles in caring for our child, even if that doesn't mean taking on the exact same tasks. There's also of course the chance that our baby could be autistic. That's a risk we're willing to take, but I am also concerned that if the child's autistic their behaviors might grate on my partner, who sometimes gets along extremely well with other autistic folks and other times is put on edge by them. And finally, I know pregnancy can be very difficult for NT people, but I worry about how it will affect my partner particularly, since she often has trouble relating her emotional state to physical distress (for example, becoming angry when she's hungry and not realizing that's why). I can't imagine random floods of powerful hormones will help with that at all.

So my questions to you all are: what's your best advice for parenting with an Aspie partner? How would you advise preparing for the possibility of an autistic child? How can I help take care of my Aspie partner while she's pregnant? I'd love both Aspie and NT perspectives on these. Maybe I'm just being a worrywart, and a lot of this is still in the future, but if there's any advice you wish you'd had, I'd love to hear it.

Thanks for reading

I am not NT myself, and have two children. My husband is totally NT and a social butterfly. Honestly - I have way more patience with most of the kid-behaviors than my husband does. The only issue that I have with parenting is that at times my "recluse" type behavior kicks in, and I really need some alone time. I counteract that by making sure I get some time to myself after the kids are in bed and I have to let my husband know when I need a break.

Pregnancy was very hard for me, but for health reasons, not mental/emotional. (I get something called Hyperemesis Gravidarium each time, and it can be life threatening without proper medication and monitoring). Honestly, the pregnancy was emotionally harder on my NT husband than on me. The only "difficulty" I had, which I didn't view as an issue, was my wish to have homebirths and not use a hospital or OB. I used a licensed midwife for both kids, and had a much more one-on-one and private prenatal and birth care situation. That is what I needed - hospitals and doctors freak me out majorly. Had I needed further care, I would have transferred to the hospital, but given that both births were low-risk and normal, we had wonderful experiences at home.

My best advice is to plan and find your care providers before you get pregnant - actually interview doctors/midwives and be open to all options. If I had not been open to "alternative" care, I would have had a very difficult time with my medical anxiety throughout the process, and it could have impeded the birth to the point of complications. Talk about how you want to parent before the baby is here, but be open to changing things up as time goes on and you learn the personality of your child. I have a possibly-ASD oldest son (starting testing tomorrow actually), and I have to change my expectations almost daily. It's honestly just a part of life...NT kids or ASD kids.

Thanks Rocketmom! That's all rather reassuring.
My brothers and I were all delivered by midwives, and that's how my partner would like to deliver; it hadn't occurred to me though that a hospital might be so anxiety-inducing. It's obviously not a great delivery environment if avoidable for a lot of reasons, but I hadn't factored in the stress of the medicalized environment itself.
Can I ask, in what ways did your husband struggle with your pregnancy? I'm sorry if it's private, but I'm interested, since I'll be the "dad" in this situation

For my husband, I think it was pretty common feelings - will he be a good dad, can he provide for a growing family, etc. Even though our kids were both planned and wanted, I think the initial "BAM!" of realizing he was actually going to be a dad was something he had come around too. He said the stress of wondering if he would be a good dad disappeared the moment he saw our firstborn's face.

He also had the added stress of my pregnancy illness - it caused me to lose my job, we lost income, had to move, and so on and so forth. I was so sick I couldn't even care for myself or the home, so all the stress of everything was on him. HG is not common though, so most likely something you won't have on your plate!

Everyone says you can't be prepared for how tough the first 3 months with a newborn are, and to some extent that is true. When I was pregnant, I really wanted details about what those first months were going to be like, and there was one book that I felt actually did give me a realistic picture:

The Girlfriends' Guide to Surviving 1st year by Vicki Iovine

She's also got one on pregnancy which should be just as upfront and funny, and one on baby gear that was very practical. Stay away from What to Expect When You're Expecting -- it sends even level-headed NT folks into fits of anxiety.

Something else I would suggest: set up respite care now. Hire a Doula, or just a housekeeper/cook, or a nanny. No reason to feel like you're going to have to do it all yourself - you can have other people do it for both of you.

Babysit. Parents of babies are desperate to find someone to take their kids for a quiet evening. Get a real-world idea of the sensory/task-related issues. In case there aren't babies in your current social circle, take child care certification classes and market yourself on sittercity or care.com. Research and classes were definitely helpful and calming for me - some ideas here: https://www.care.com/a/12-nanny-trainin ... 1306110220

Quantitatively figure out how you are going to split the labor. Write a list. It may help your wife to be the breadwinner, and have you take over as the caregiver even if she is the one giving birth.

There are lots of pressures on mothers to do things a certain way these days, for instance, breastfeeding is a very good thing to do, but if it causes everyone stress, remember the big picture: bottle-fed babies do fine. Help your partner find middle ground and stay away from absolutes (one of the issues I struggled with - ALWAYS cloth diapers, ALWAYS homemade baby food, ALWAYS nursing - sometimes, having a mentally healthy Mom is better for your baby than perfectly following every recommendation to the letter.)

IMO, late-night feedings and the commensurate sleep deprivation were the hardest part for me - since it was ALL ME. If you take over the "mothering," or even if you just plan to breastfeed, you might try induced lactation so you can split that task as well.

I 10000000% agree with staying FAR away from What to Expect books - those things need to be burned. If your girlfriend is an emotional being - or perhaps the opposite (unable to connect to her emotions) - then a book I really suggest for pregnancy is Birthing From Within. Your profile says you are an artist, so it is something you may love to read and do with her as well (it is for partners to do together generally, but can be done alone). It really helps parents-to-be get to the root of their emotions, worries, and joys when it comes to pregnancy, birth, and the parenting to come. It uses art exercises to help with expression where sometimes words and logic fail. I personally have found in myself and other women (I am very involved in the birth world) that having a connected pregnancy and birth translates into much more confidence and ability to cope with parenthood.

As for the first three months - with my first born, the first three months were honestly pretty easy once breastfeeding was figured out. The baby can't crawl or roll away yet, they sleep a lot, and once I realized the house wouldn't fall apart if the laundry basket was full, it was all good. Now the first three months (hell, the first year) with my second child - yeah, no way to prepare for that. It's difficult to add a second kid anyway, but when you first born is a bit AS and your second born is very mommy-centric....yeah. It was a whirlwind. lol

I second babysitting. ASD or NT isn't the relevant question. Some of us on the spectrum absolutely adore kids and make good enough, if unconventional, parents. I'm the Aspie in our house; we have four kids and I do 80% of the child care if not more.

OK, that's not entirely true-- now that she's older, Hubby spends as much time with our teenager as I do. But diaper changing, and tantrum-coping, and daily don't-let-them-die supervising, and the menial homework-doing, and the playing of games less grown-up appealing than Magic: The Gathering, and puking-child-caring, and pediatrician-visiting, and all that "unfun stuff??" Yeah, that's my job. My chosen career. What I Do.

What My Dad Did, too.

My grandfather, not so much. He was the type of ASDer that had a hard time with kid noise and kid smells and kid stress and in general kid.

There really isn't any way to tell, other than maybe to test-drive someone else's kids. That isn't sure-fire either. I'm a lot more comfortable with my own kids than someone else's; OTOH, I have an NT friend who makes a great babysitter but absolutely hates and sucks at being a mom.

The main thing, I think, is to minimize silly expectations. There are reasonable expectations ("You helped make this kid and you will help care for it." "You will not drink alcohol while pregnant." "You will not shake, hit, or totally ignore the screaming baby.") and then there are silly expectations ("You will totally give up all your hobbies, gladly, because You Are A Mom Now." "You will become never drink again because YAAMN." "You will answer every whimper instantaneously and act like you think it's the sweetestmostwonderfulthing.").

That was the hardest thing for me. I understood that I was going to lose sleep, and lose "me time," and see less of my friends, and have to stay away from places where people were blasting music and passing a blunt and generally acting like SnoopDogg. I understood that babies cry and that I was going to log thousands of hours walking the floor with a screaming infant and thousands more feeding it before it finally learned to use a spoon. I understood that diapers stink and I was going to change about a dozen of them every day.

What I didn't understand was that I was going to be expected to totally give up my friends, and that it would be socially unacceptable to take the baby to D&D night even though no one who was actually there minded and no drugs were involved, and that I was going to be expected to stop reading altogether, and that I was supposed to somehow know what to do in all circumstances simply because this kid came out of my vagina, and that I was going to be expected to do it all with an unfailing beatific smile, and if I did not do these things then I would be labelled a "sh***y mom" regardless of the fact that the child was clearly thriving by all measures.

I don't find the actual mechanics of motherhood all that difficult. I actually *like* playing CandyLand. Part of me sort of gets off on breaking up sibling fights. I *enjoy* walking the floor with a screaming baby-- I feel like I'm *doing something that matters*. Same with discipline. I don't think anyone loves changing diapers, but I've done worse things. Sitting up with a sick kid warms my heart. I look forward to homework time. Part of me even enjoys remonstrating with a recalcitrant teenager.

What killed me-- and still kills me-- is all the stupid social baggage that gets attached to motherhood. I don't know if dads get it as bad-- I really don't think they do. If she actually likes kids, and likes fooling with kids (enough to do it day in and day out for at least 18 years), then if you can minimize and help her cope with the stupid social baggage, that will help a lot.

Same deal with pregnancy. They are supposed to be nine magical months; personally, I never saw anything magical about puking and not pooping and being tired all the time and being constantly terrified for the life and well-being of this tiny little person that I couldn't touch or see to check on. Most expecting moms go, "Oh, baby, will you kick for Aunt Suzy??" I went, "Come on, Bump, please kick, because you haven't moved for 45 minutes and Mommy's having a f*****g panic attack." Pregnancy is supposed to be an end in itself, this great and magical journey-- for me, it wasn't. There were some magical moments, maybe, but pregnancy was something that had to be endured in order to get at what I wanted-- a healthy, full-term baby. I did not mind enduring it-- but I minded the LIVING s**t out of the fact that I was supposed to love it.

And yes-- Don't let anyone anywhere near her with those goddamn godawful What To Expect books. I read the first one cover-to-cover with the first pregnancy. I spent nine months obsessing over what could go wrong. Then I threw it away. The next two pregnancies weren't wonderful, but they were less worse. They tried to give me another copy with the fourth pregnancy. I gave it back-- I figured I had problems enough without that.

I echo everyone else here in staying away from prescriptive childcare books - they're absolutely awful. If you're a laid back person then you'll feel you're an utter failure for not giving a toss about routines and organic broccoli (or whatever). If you're not a laid back person you'll drive yourself nuts because there is NO WAY that you can do all that 'perfect stuff' no matter how organised and with-it you are.

The only book that really stuck with me was Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. Good old Ina May - she founded a commune near my home town. I was treated to black and white images of naked people giving birth that I knew well enough that they had attended my wedding. But since you wont' know them... Honestly, I found it incredibly calming and reassuring even though my birth plan didn't go to plan.

The next bit you won't like. The birth of my son has led to the death of my marriage. I have to say it was the loneliest, most isolating experience I've ever been through. My AS-suspected husband flipped out. My marriage became verbally and emotionally abusive. He could not cope with baby or with me needing him to be more family focused rather than say D&D focused. He is better now with our son because he's more of a 'person' at 7 (he's still not great by a long way!) but the damage to our marriage has been done. Alongside some other issues - I cannot forgive him and he cannot acknowledge. As my resentment grows and I withdraw, he treats me worse. It's a never-ending cycle. I live in hell at home now.

My son's a cool kid though - but I worry about the everlasting damage of living in a toxic household.

Parenting is a gamble in multiple different ways: many, many NT marriages don't survive it. The stressor in particular doesn't matter, it's how you as a couple respond to it.

DH and I both have suspected AS, DH also has ADHD. We made a commitment to each other that we would not stay together "for the sake of our kid" like our parents did, but that we would do everything we possibly could to avoid divorcing. I am glad we did: we went through some very, very difficult stuff - but since we had said we were going to work through it, work through it we did. We've been in and out of counseling separately and together for years (our first counselor jokingly told us "nobody gets divorced until baby is 3" because we couldn't figure out why we were at each other's throats all the time - until he pointed out that we weren't sleeping or eating properly and were under huge financial strain. Sometimes just knowing why helps.)

In a nutshell, that's what staying together under stress (and parenthood is stressful) takes - a commitment on both sides to not give up. AS does not factor into that (or, in our case, the AS tenacity kind of helped.)

Momsparky - good for you - and maybe I'm feeling a bit sensitive today, but I tried very, very hard in the face of very bad behaviour. Quoting me like that makes me feel a bit like you're saying "try harder" or that I went into this with a lackadaisical attitude.

Sometimes trying and enduring isn't enough. My husband once told me that part of our marriage problems stemmed from the fact that he loved me less because he had been overwhelmed by my difficult childbirth experience (it was pretty bad, but I was kind to him throughout, and I even got the support of a doula because I wasn't sure if he'd be able to hack it even when I was I wasn't suspecting 3 days of labour and an emergency c-section)

Just giving the perspective of the NT spouse.

That's cold of him. It's okay to be overwhelmed but to resent you for it or to love you less or act like it's your fault is very cold.

I had a miscarriage in my first pregnancy and I would advise to stay away from all the "I lost my baby" threads if she wishes to lurk on parenting boards. That would raise my anxiety if I read them because I was always worried about having another miscarriage.

The second time I had anemia and my pregnancy got uncomfortable around 33 weeks because of the position my daughter lied in and my back would feel uncomfortable when I would sit. I was more calm in this one and I wasn't as rigid about my diet like I was the first time and this time I ate what I normally ate than changing my diet but I did eat more food.

My husband has been supportive both times. He helped out when I needed it and put up with my crazy hormones where I was more emotional and sensitive and more moody. But I was more loving and affectionate and wanted more touch. It drove my husband crazy because he was used to the cold me lol where I wanted to be alone and left untouched. I joked it made me more NT but he disagreed and said it was called being pregnant.

It seems like you have a pretty amazing relationship with your husband.

I'm sorry you thought that: that wasn't what I meant at all. Obviously, YOU tried as hard as you could - your husband giving up is not your fault. Sadly, it's not uncommon for a spouse who decides to leave to toss blame to make themselves feel better or superior. I'm sorry he did that to you - it wasn't cool, no matter what his neurology.

What I was trying to say is that AS is not a determining factor of how a relationship will go in and of itself. Either both parties decide to work it out and do, or they don't - and any stressor, including AS, can be a trigger - but AS it isn't the reason relationships fail or don't.

In other words: the OP isn't any more likely to struggle in her relationship than she would with an NT partner. Relationships are hard - relationships with babies are harder. The major stress is just as likely to be money, or one partner needing to socialize, or a job, or just plain unreasonable expectations. The mitigating factor to address the stress is teamwork, which looks different for every relationship - but the one thing it can't be is one-sided.

Thank you all so much for your replies!

zette, RocketMom, elkclan?thank you very much for the book recommendations! We're both people who are reassured by doing a lot of research and planning, but my girlfriend is very sensitive and I'm the one who has to look up things like treating bee stings because she freaks herself out easily by researching symptoms. It's good to know there are common-sense guides out there that won't send us into a spiral of anxiety.

Momsparky?thank for the suggestions! We decided when we started talking about his seriously that we want to hire a nanny?a major financial goal for us now (she just started her own business, I'm graduating college in December, so we're both pretty financially vulnerable right now) is to get to the point where we can afford a helper of some kind, especially since we'll be living in a different country from our families. I hadn't thought of us or just her doing childcare of some kind for practice?I've done a lot of babysitting of all ages, and she spent a year as an all ages substitute teacher, so she's familiar with older kids but not so much the baby years. Sleep deprivation is definitely something I worry about for her, because she doesn't wake up easily, when she does it's very difficult to go back to sleep, and when she's even an hour or two short on sleep it basically guarantees her next day is a bad one. Do you know of anyone who has induced lactation? I would like to, but I haven't done much real research into whether it's a real possibility; a lot of what I've read treats it as a bonding opportunity more than to feed the baby full-time. Also, I agree that AS doesn't make our relationship harder than it would be with an NT partner, we just have different issues?but what does have an impact is that we didn't find out about my girlfriend's Aspergers until 3 years into our relationship, after years of misunderstandings and miscommunication. That discovery honestly saved our relationship?we were both in individual and couples therapy and living separately when we found out, and I do think AS can break apart a couple where one or both partners are unwilling to acknowledge and work on their issues.

Elkclan, I am very sorry for what you've been through, and what you're still going through. I've dealt many times with my girlfriend when she's overwhelmed, feels trapped, melts down, etc, especially before we knew what was going on, and it's hard to see that happen to someone you care about; it's a scary experience; and it's horrible to feel like it's your fault (or in your case, it sounds like to be told it's your fault)?that you're the reason they're so unhappy and trapped and traumatized.

BuyerBeware, YAAMN should be an acronym in common usage. I agree that the social baggage associated with motherhood is all kinds of messed up?and we'll both be moms so I think we feel a lot of the same pressures to be perfectly nurturing but also provide discipline and structure but also snuggle but also coach soccer...it's a lot. One of the things we're both having some anxiety about is the pregnancy itself; both how it will make her feel, and how it will affect our relationship if I feel rejected, unhelpful, etc. because I don't know what she's going through. Considering how you felt while pregnant, what did your husband do right or wrong in helping you, or just acting around you generally?

League_GIrl, while I was visiting my family planning to help out when my baby cousin was due last summer, my aunt and uncle's baby died during labor, a total fluke. Believe me, the anxiety is already there for us both?the only reason I could be there for my family was because I could call my girlfriend at night and cry for an hour. I haven't had much luck finding pregnancy forums that don't have a lot of horror stories, and none but a thread here and there for lesbian couples specifically, so if you have any suggestions for fairly trigger-free sites I would appreciate it.

What my girlfriend (she's stalking this thread) wants to ask about specifically is things that trigger her, like noise, mess, interruptions, and rigid thinking. We started living separately because of some of these issues before finding out she's AS?she's a writer and she works at home, and our shared budget for a house meant we couldn't really get enough space from each other for her to be left alone and have the privacy she needs without interruptions, and my schedule meant that I left a lot of chores undone that made our house intolerable for her. We've gotten somewhat better at sharing space, but adding the chaos of a kid might be really difficult: crying or happy shrieking will drive her up the wall, and so will toys on the floor, leftover breakfast messes, and a lot of the compromises that generally come with a young kid. She also can't work effectively or relax if she thinks she could be interrupted at any time. We think our ideal situation would be adjacent but separate apartments, where the kid basically can have a room with me to contain chaos, and she can have an environment she can retreat to and control, a private and quiet office, and she can stay over with me but have the option of sleeping alone and undisturbed when she needs to. She also really hates clinginess and being touched unexpectedly, so having a child hugging her from behind or clinging to a leg would be really aggravating, and so is the insistence a lot of kids have on total fairness or doing things the exact same way every time. Opinions?