How to explain to elderly mom what autism is?

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I have an elderly mother who I believe has very warped ideas on autism, there is a very complicated backstory here of me being non-verbal as a young child and her really badly mishandling the whole thing to the point of abuse. Even now she secretly tells others something is very wrong with me, but to me she insists I'm fine and nothing is wrong with me because I started talking.

I believe she is most likely on the spectrum herself for MANY reasons going back my entire life, people who know my mom call her crazy but I think a lot of her issues stem from lack of TOM. Small example but someone can tell her in tears their child almost died, and my mom asks them if the fish at such and such restaurant is any good, so profound social issues. But she is an elderly woman with terminal cancer, so I don't care about telling her my suspicions or calling her on the spectrum, she refuses to engage with a psychologist anyway so there is no point.

I'm trying to engage her on my own issues and childhood, I'm not blaming her but there is a lot that makes no sense and if won't open up and be truthful I can't engage. She also approaches my son her grandson as if he has a terminal disease, when she asked so he has autism? How many doctors confirmed it? I said he almost certainly has ASD and she said "oh my god, what are the doctors going to do?" I said uh what can a doctor do? She said he needed to be put in an institution to cure him of this.
That silly therapies and playing with toys(floortime) won't get him a job as an adult etc.

To top it all off my mom grew up in another country and english is not her native language she learned it as an adult so she is very hard to talk to, she kinda has different frames of reference in her mind but doesn't tell anyone.

I have tried my best to explain to her what autism is and isn't, for one thing she thought it was the same as down syndrome. But she just seems not to get it or be resistant. She also I think distrusts me as a source of info.

Yep. My mother is in her 80s (I am in my 50s), and teaching her about Aspie characteristics, masking and supports is rough. The longer she has known about my AS, the better she understands that it must be "like David is." Well, for some, but not all. So, I try to expand her knowledge by describing characteristics that I don't have. Logically, she understands. But, it isn't complete.

I have tried desperately to find a brief book that describes AS for parents who no longer have Aspie toddlers and tweens. None seems to exist. Like all things about adult Aspies, the industry simply hasn't kept pace with reality.

I guess all I can suggest to you is that you need to be the poster child for your diagnosis even if your life is only a small slice of the whole spectrum. You will be told, "those people couldn't have autism, they aren't at all like you." Just roll with it. Eventually, everybody understands pretty well.

You probably will not like my advice, but it is unlikely you will change the way a rigid elderly person thinks. You can only change how much you let it bother you, and just decide to keep certain topics off the metaphorical table.

This is what I do when faced with analogous situations b/c it is wasted effort and gets me frustrated. Sometimes you have to know when to give up explaining things to certain people. It would be different if she showed some signs of potential growth, but sadly it does not seem capable of that even in her younger years, from what you say. Some elderly people can grow and learn, so I don't mean to sound like I think it applies to all older people. In my experience, people who start out being rigid, tend to get more so as they age.

Well if your mum has a terminal condition, you might want to consider what is the kindest way (for both of you). Rather than telling her about something which might disturb and upset her.

Instead try to spend time with her while she is still alive, try to do things with her that both of you enjoy. I can not tell you what these things are as I do not know your mum.

When she is gone it will be better for you if your later memories of her were happy rather than having some rows about your autism or that of your son.

Is there a movie or something that can explain it? Maybe Rain Man?

Rainman did not have autism, despite the movie saying so. She would be better off with When George Met Carl, from the kids show, Arthur, but I doubt she'll be receptive.

Honestly, I don't know what the point would be to bother with it at all. She doesn't sound like she is willing to be educated, and even if she was, she has so many preconceived ideas, it would take a long time. Time she apparently doesn't have. It may be best for your own sense of peace to let it go and avoid the subject altogether.

Do you thing perhaps you are wanting to educate her because subconsciously you are seeking her acceptance of yourself? It sounds like you have experienced pain in her inability and/or refusal to do that, and I am sorry for you for that. I just don't think you're going to get that death bed "aha!" moment from her, though.

I'm sorry. I wish I had more positive advice.

I agree with those who have suggested you let it go.

I am so sorry to hear about your mother, both with her view points and her cancer. I am sure you are looking for some closure and that takes honesty that your mother isn't willing to give. It sounds like you are trying to have her bond a bit with your child and her views make that difficult too. You are definitely trying to do the right thing, but if she is really terminal I am not sure that is an option.

I agree with the other folks, just do your best to connect with her in a way that gives you both some pleasure and avoid anything that will upset her and leave you with more difficult memories.

The only other thing I would recommend is perhaps therapy for you. It sounds like you had a rough childhood and now are going through the death of your mother with major unresolved issues while raising your own child on the spectrum. Help dealing with this is not a weakness but of a really strong parent knowing when to bring in the reinforcements.

Since the replies were so similar I'll just address it in a thread reply, hope everyone sees it.

Like I said I absolutely have 0 interest in sharing my suspicions with my mom or convincing her she has anything, forget it just pain for no purpose, it wouldn't help her.

I do want closure and want to talk about my childhood with her, and that is pretty hard. I'd also like her to be a wee bit nicer to my son Example of talking to her:
----------------------
Remember this incident?

No, never happened

*Long back and forth

Oh ok maybe I remember something vaguely similar to that

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Yea, basically I'd just like her to accept autism isn't shameful and no one's "fault". Hell I'm willing to admit her approach wasn't even wrong headed and could have been a good thing if handled better. But the cat is out of the bag NOW, and there is no point continuing with the charade.

I don't expect to move her mind much further than developmental disorder, and I don't know how open she is to info not from me.

EDIT:Oh and wanted to add although she is terminal it is years terminal, not weeks or days. So yea we have time to talk.

I know that this is important to you, and that you don't think it is too much to ask. Sometimes when people are terminal they show regrets and then if that happens you may be able to pursue it. However, people also may tend to dig in and become extra certain they were right all along. Based on my very limited knowledge of human nature, unfortunately, I think your mother is more likely to fall into this latter category. I think you need to be realistically prepared for that likelihood, and I think you need to need this closure less than you do, for your own well-being.

I don't think you are wrong to want what you want. I just do not think it is realistic and that this expectation will end up torturing you further.

Terminal or not, I think you also need to protect your son from her, if she is not too nice to him, depending on the specifics of that situation.

(Acknowledged bias: I don't think terminal people have carte blanche to be mean to people just b/c they are terminal especially if they have always been that way. I think it is an especially awful idea to expose children to people who undermine their self-esteem, regardless of the terminal condition of said person.)

It seems important to you to work through issues you have that stem from your childhood. I would suggest talking to a professional about them and leave your mother out of it. You aren't going to change her and it is far more likely that you will end up fighting with her. This won't help either one of you.

A professional therapist or psychologist or even a minister can help you work through your feelings and come to terms with them. They may even have some solid ideas on how to improve your relationship with her.

I know it's hard, but I tend to agree with the "let it go" bandwagon. You're not going to get closure out of your mom, man. She doesn't WANT to understand. All you're going to get is a few dozen more kicks in the teeth, both about you and about your son, and neither of you need that crap.

Try to have the best time with the old bat that you can while she's yet living. Make some good memories, if you can-- things you actually WANT to have playing back in your head 20 years from now.

Don't give her the opportunity to plant any more land mines. No matter how smart they are, you can't teach someone who doesn't want to learn.

I'm definitely in the 'let it go' camp - though I KNOW how hard that is. My mother is NPD. Nothing I engage with her on is going to make her change or not be focused on herself. She will never admit or even understand the effect her behaviour had on me. My brother* and I have some relief now and maybe even something like closure understanding that this is the way she is and she won't change.

The bit I still struggle with is wanting the emotional support of a mother even now as an adult. You know, not everyday support, but support around being in an abusive marriage. She's unable to give it and I still struggle with understanding on that. But arguing with her or making her "understand" my position is only going to add to my emotional pain. My rational and emotional sides are in conflict on this one.

You are going to have to focus on behaviours and not understanding. If she says hurtful things to your son, you have to protect him from that. If she has hurtful things to you, you have to protect and comfort yourself, too. Limit time with her if you have to. Focus on the value and not on the pain, not because it's the 'right' thing to do but it's the one that will give you greater comfort now and in the years to come.

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*one thing we seemed to have escaped from the NPD mom profile is animosity between siblings. She does get jealous of our closeness and gets upset if she thinks we're sharing info that we don't share with her, but at least we have each other!

I can't get my parents to understand either, especially my mom. She doesn't like to think very much and when I try to explain things her eyes start to get unfocused. I'm ready to just drop the issue once I realized we have almost nothing in common anyway. She did notice that our second son has issues and needs extra help, and said she'll leave him a bit more money than other grandchildren. I figured that's probably as good as it gets.

From someone who completely doesn't get it and doesn't want to think, that's about a gold-plated gesture of support.

My grandmother is trying to do that with me (despite the fact that I was the (very frugal) sole beneficiary of my mom's life insurance and my husband is making an obscene amount of money). I keep trying to tell her, "Grandma, we're fine. I'm fine. Thank you for the thought, but the education you gave me in giving and accepting affection, and in social skills, and in how to be poor is far more valuable than any amount of money you could ever leave me."

She has a heart of gold, at least, but-- she doesn't want to wrap her brain around something new.

And you can't teach someone who doesn't want to learn.