New Here: Mum of 6 year old girl

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I stumbled upon this site when I was searching for information on Asperger's.

My daughter is 6.5yrs old, an ex 26weeker, and on Thursday was dx with Asperger's by our paediatrician. The dx isn't sitting well with me, I feel something is wrong in the pit of my stomach. Her grandparents aren't helping because 'there's nothing wrong with her'...my Mother straight out said that she didn't believe the Dr. I was standing there in tears, shaking from shock and scared out of my mind, and my Mother announces that it isn't real and that my daughter is fine, she's a normal little girl.

But she hasn't seen her 'playing' with her friends, when she'll sit in a tree in her own world, or will play in the same playground but only interact with them when they come near her. Or when I haven't cooked her noodles properly so she slams herself into walls and kicks and screams. Or when I pull her away from the computer/Nintendo without warning, or turn off the TV, or ask her to get into the car, or tell her we have to go to the shops.

She talks all day at school (her only really 'bad' behaviour that happens every day), and if there's no-one to talk so, she just talks to herself. She says the boy next to her is teasing her and annoying her, yet she hasn't told her teacher.

I have never seen her tryu to resolve any issues with any children other than asking them to stop. When they don't she finds an adult straight away. Rarely will she ask them to stop, she just 'tells on them' all the time, which makes the other kids mad.
She has a 'little mother' at school who is constantly hovering and telling her what to do, which annoys Hannah immensely, and she brings it all home and is horrid in the afternoons. We tried really hard last year to get her to identify and recognise her anger/frustration levels and then walk away from a stressful situation; that's worked well for the most part, but she is so angry by the time she gets home some days that it's explosive.

She is very literal. Does very well in reading and writing (although her hand-writing is poor), and is good at Math. She loves the computer and her Nintendo DS. And dinosaurs! Her room is filled with dinosaur stuff. Although she is interested, she is not a n expert.

I assume her condition is mild. I also assume, now, that I may very well have it to a more extreme degree. Although I never had outbursts etc, but I did self-harm for many years through my depression.

I know that this is something that affects more boys than girls...does anyone have any good information on how this presents in girls? Hannah just doesn't seem to have AS as badly as some of the boys we know with it...along with my parents denial, I find I'm struggling to accept that any of this has happened...

Welcome to WP!

Tim

Relax. You and your daughter are fine. The rest of the family will need to be dealt with later.

If your daughter has Asperger's, it only means that she will need guidance and support from you with respect to certain issues, such as anger management. Most kids pick these things up automatically, aspie's have to do it consciously. Like smiling, it's not a reflex with me, anyway.

Your daughter is highly functional in some ways, and needs guidance with others. When I first found out that I'm aspie, I was horrified and terrified. Then I swung back and forth between Yes and No for a while. Now I think it's just another way of being, not a disease.

I'm 56yo, and I've been buying kiddie books re Asperger's. Things like "I Keep Myself Clean" (I hate to shower and brush my teeth.) There's lots of support and how-to's. Asperger's wasn't discovered until 1994. That's why there are lots of adults being "unwell" with it. What's happening there is a lifetime without any understanding.

Have a good evening together with your daughter. Next week you can check out how a mom helps her child with Asperger's. Right now, have a great weekend and nevermind the naysayers.

Hi and welcome to WP. I'm an adult female with Aspergers. While you mention a few things that *might* be Aspie in your daughters behavior a lot of it to me sounds like a typical little kid of the 21st century. It bothers me so called experts see any kid that misbehaves or gets frustrated easily and then they slap them with an Aspergers label. Most of the female Aspies I have met were the quiet nerd girls that didn't ever cause a scene and was almost invisible in class. Temper tantrums are not a necessary part of Aspergers. She sounds like a smart, precocious little girl and you can be like that and not be autistic.

Does she have sensitivities to things like temperature, fluorescent lights, fabrics & foods? Does she stim- as in sway or rock to soothe herself, spin or any other repeatitive movements? Does she freak out if her foods touch on the plate? Does she want to eat the same food every single day? If she doesn't do some of those things then its doubtful she is an Aspie.

I think a lot of modern day kids meltdown easily and are antisocial. It has nothing to do with autism. It has to do with a world where there is less human interaction and kids interact mostly with machines such as Nintendos and watching dvds or listening to mp3 players and not learning to play an instrument. I have observed kids playing and they do not play socially in the same way that we used to. Its society. If every antisocial difficult child was autistic then there would be no normal kids left in the world because the majority of kids these days are fairly antisocial and hard to get along with.

Just my .02 cents.

Hi, sorry I didn't want to get into too much.

She bounces on the trampoline for hours on end - doesn't get off or play with something else. Just bounces.
She arm flaps and has from a young age. She has an odd gait when running and her gross motor skills tend to make her a little clumsy.

She fixates on things to the point where there is no other topic in the world (this past week we had 4 days of non-stop talk about book club catalogues. Nothing else mattered, nothing took her mind off it).

She is overly affectionate with people after knowing and interacting for a short amount of time (climbing all over them, jumping on them, hugging them, crawling into laps etc), but will not even acknowledge the presence of other people if she doesn't know them or they don't call her attention to them (ie: our paediatrician is not high on her list of people she likes because he deals with me, and prefers to observe her and her interactions with me, and her environment, therefore she doesn't know him and acts as though he weren't even in the room).

She lacks empathy, and when she does recognise someone elses emotional state, she doesn't react by being sympathetic, but rather by changing the subject or getting angry/agitated herself.

She has noise sensitivities. But I've noticed that it needs to be coupled with other stimuli to really set her off. For instance children running around, and then a loud noise will set her off screaming and covering her ears. But a loud noise in and of itself will only slightly agitate her (ie: motorbike, truck, tap dripping etc). Disco's are a cause for meltdowns.

Meltdowns entail throwing herself repeatedly at walls, kicking and screaming and digging her nails into her arms/hands.
Meltdowns can turn into 'episodes' where she blacks out at the height of them; her eyes glaze over and you can see that there is obviously no-one home.

I can see where you are coming from though. I could probably push for the Dr to cancel the diagnosis and let the school and Autism Queensland know that he made a mistake...is that possible? I'm assuming that since she was diagnosed on Thursday, it wouldn't be too late on Monday to call and ask him to just not notify anyone. Would that be too late to do anything?

I'm not familiar with the rules of your country. But I am surprised to hear the dr would be contacting the school anyway. Maybe that is the norm in Austrailia. Its against patient privacy laws ie: HIPAA regulations here in the States. I would suspect you might have that there so perhaps you should remind the dr. Also it might head him off at the pass if you contacted him ASAP and said you are not comfortable with his diagnosis and would like to seek a second opinion first. In which case he may just forget about your child and go bother someone else.

Reading your most recent post some other things come to mind. Some of what she is doing is possibly PDD Pervasive Developmental Disorder which is on the spectrum. But its not the same as Aspergers, though some Aspies also have PDD. Also the rages and the blackouts... I've read about this recently. I think you should get an EEG test on her. Some children have seizures that result in violent behavior and blackouts and then have no clue what they did or that there was any lapse of time. Some bad behaviors in an otherwise nice person can also be hypoglycemic episodes. Extreme low blood sugar can also cause seizures in some people. You see where I'm going? Do some reading and keep observing her.

I have reactive hypoglycemia and get grumpy as a bear when my sugar is low. A friend recently told me she is the same way. Also a diabetic I know forgot to eat and got very hypo. He has always been nice to me, but when I tried to stop him because he tried to wander out into the street and I was suspecting he was getting hypo I ended up having to pin him up against a wall. He was calling me every cuss word there is and repeatedly hit me. I gave him a glucose (sugar) tablet and he accused me of trying to kill him. After he got some fruit juice in him he had no rememberance of what he said or did.

Also in some kids certain food dyes and additives can cause irrational behavior. And even if she is an Aspie it may be only mild and she may have other things attributing to her behaviors.

Your mother is right -- ther is nothing wrong with her!! !

I watched a kid grow up (Male) which fits your descripton to a tea... the parents never diagnosed him with anything... they helped him dress, cut his meals, etc etc

He did the climbing thing, and was way! to affectionate (isn't this agood thing?) -climbing all over me everytime he saw me.... always hoding onto my leg hen I was standing (I am his god farther, so I did see him alot, incase your wondering)

Anyway to the piont....

Because he was never drugged up ,,, he slowly learnt the harsh reality of living in the world,,, and that not all of his actions or considered to be normal - if there is such a thing as normal. (If we were all like him maybe it would be a better world)

The kid didn't learn to talk properly untill about 8 ,,and even untill about 13 wouldn't be able to hold a normal converation.

He can't spell for the life of him, and is an overlly bad perfomer in school.

Some of the teachers started to get 'sick of him' in hisghchool and asked if the parents could get him diagnosed .... the result... mild Dyslexia. Today at 15 he is now a good clarinetiist --but none of us push hime to be a conductor.

---I well and truly belive that if he had of been 'pushed' and drugged from a young age - hi diagnosis at the teenage level would have been AUTISM!

--Hopefully you are starting to understand the perspective your mother behodls ---something that western society has forgotten --we are all different! -and there isn't a cure for 'being the same as everyone else' - this is natures way of saying - you the mother -- are a conformist -- and being a confrmist is not good for society..... society needs diversity ,,be glad in the fact that your offspring.. are healthy... have four limbs , two eyes, and love you.

I apologise for obviously having offended. My mother thinks she's normal in terms of other children (and actually I just received a phone call acknowledging that Hannah indeed does fit the Asperger's criteria and information I gave her, therefore making the point mute).

For what it's worth, and I suspect it isn't worth much, I have been considered weird/odd/a freak my entire life, and I most likely am undiagnosed AS. So please don't assume that I think all kids should be 'normal' and fall within society's expectations. I understand that my words are taken literally by people here, and that I need to work harder in order to fully explain myself. But I'm trying, so please don't attack me because I'm only just coming to terms with the fact that my kid has a diagnosis that would freak most parents out. It's only been 4 days and I don't know what I'm expected to do or where I'm supposed to go right now, but I'm trying to learn. Being nasty and abrupt about my misunderstandings of situations really doesn't help anyone. But I do value your opinion and insight because I can gage the way my daughter might see the things I do.

And for what it's worth, my kid isn't drugged or pushed to do anything. I want her to be happy and she's not. Soccer starts next weekend, and she's decided she can't do it...fine,we'll pull her out tomorrow despite having already paid for everything. I'd love her to do soccer, but she doesn't want to, so I'm not making her do it. And I do see her affection as a problem considering she might only know someone for 5 minutes before being all over them. Bad things happen to unwary people, children in particular.

To Ticker: The rules here are the same. The Dr asked for my permission to contact the school on my behalf, and also to contact Austism QLD. He thought it might make things easier for me if people got in contact with me because I obviously had no idea what to do next. I think the main thing 'wrong' with the diagnosis is that it was made for my kid. No parent wants to be told that there is something else going on, no matter how difficult the kid gets. Plus, my parents being unaccepting is hard for me to deal with, but now that my mother sees why the diagnosis was made, she seems much more accepting and I in turn feel stronger and much better. I am a single Mother and rely heavily on my parents for emotional support.
Re: PDD-NOS etc. Hannah is right on par developmentally. Her delays early on stemmed from her prematurity. There was no speech delay or real impediment. I did raise the possibility with the paediatrician that it might be something else like PDD, even though I didn't know exactly what that entailed, and he said no. He's very sure that we're dealing with Asperger's.
I'm very very very strict with Hannah's diet. Take-out only once every 6 months or so, lots of vegetables and healthy goods with no artificial colours, flavours or preservatives. This issue has been raised at the school already after they gave her a minty and sent her home to me high as a kite.

I did want to ask about an EEG, and even an MRI to see how bad her PVL would be, especially considering she was born so early and studies now show that most preemies have PVL to some extent. Even that might explain some of her behaviours.

I don't think my daughter is abnormal, but I think some of her behaviours are getting in the way of her potential to be happy in herself and her future.

Judging by....

Your hip name : Java Junkie - your a young hip , typically western society 'Concerned' mother..... this is the problem.

You may not understand... but taking a leaf out of your mothers book may help you.

You need to be more 'olde worlde' (Yes eve the spelling is old world)

Your mum, wasn't concerned about Minty intake, and Junk food only every six months, she wasn't a proficianado scientist ,divulging blatant unrelated information into a condition for raising you..... you were rpobably the same as your daughter .... try instead to look into your own exepriences with life... yes your life was difficult, so it's safe to assume that so will your daughters.

Your mother is still RIGHT -- stop taking the 'Media' driven mentality that is today, ,and get back to doing things the old way, where the diagnosis from a . oh what did they call doctors in thier day... Cracks? Whacks? - you knwo what I mean.

Your daughter IS normal just like every other child --your mother is already 'Enlightened' and understands the universe ... you on the other hand are like a teenage mother.... you haven't reached enlightenment, yet are still raising a child, and useing 'Formalised' -book techinques to raise your offspring.

...observe traits your child beholds,,, when they 'over do' things -punish - they don't understand the punishment? - then make them understand.

...add diversity ... getting ABC LEarning Centres to raise your Child just Exacerbates any traits which you deem to be 'different'. ... by always being with your child, you help add diversity to thier lives..... therfore educating them on the techniques of life, some of us pick up differently/faster ....

consider your child to be 'spoilt' - in a sense -- the word spiolt is just that, ruined, and it's why it was coined 100 years ago... it defines any traits a child tends to do because they feel that that is what they should do because -no-one ever told them not too....it's not just a term for rich kids.

---I think - letting go -saying good bye to the forum (You may have become addicted like me) --and visiting mum for tea .. and conversing with her will be the best help ... consider yourself lucky that you still have mum their to help.... she is the best book that you will ever read.

(Now - being Autisitc will mean, that like me, you may hate your mother on meagre or higher levels, and probably hide it too.... so the first thing to accomplish is to 'find your soul' and forgive the planet and your parents --and realise that they must of done a pretty good job on you, considering that you are having difficulty, and resorting to the lameity of book worming your way through life)


NO HARM INTENDED --I am truly trying to enlighten you.

I'm going to have to address each thing, because you really don't know me at all.

[quote="Erlyrisa"]Judging by....

Your hip name : Java Junkie - your a young hip , typically western society 'Concerned' mother..... this is the problem.

I'm 26, so I'm young. I'm not hip, I'm not 'up' with western mothering techniques other than the whole attachment parenting thing which I won't even get into, but needless to say I'm not a fan of. And my name is a play on coffee addiction and Gilmore girls. I like alliteration.

Your mum, wasn't concerned about Minty intake, and Junk food only every six months, she wasn't a proficianado scientist ,divulging blatant unrelated information into a condition for raising you..... you were rpobably the same as your daughter .... try instead to look into your own exepriences with life... yes your life was difficult, so it's safe to assume that so will your daughters.

Actually, my mother *was* concerned about junk food and lollies. She wasn't a scientist, but neither am I. I take my mothering techniques from whichever culture I want. Not just western. I was the same as my daughter, and my Mother thought and still thinks that I was odd. And you have no idea of what my life was like growing up, or even now. My daughter won't have that life anyway, the family dynamic is completely different. Plus, I never said my life was difficult. I was odd, yes...but other than that? Not too bad.

Your mother is still RIGHT -- stop taking the 'Media' driven mentality that is today, ,and get back to doing things the old way, where the diagnosis from a . oh what did they call doctors in thier day... Cracks? Whacks? - you knwo what I mean.

I'm not a fan of Drs. In fact, I rarely go to them for either Hannah or myself. But I recognise when help is needed.

Your daughter IS normal just like every other child --your mother is already 'Enlightened' and understands the universe ... you on the other hand are like a teenage mother.... you haven't reached enlightenment, yet are still raising a child, and useing 'Formalised' -book techinques to raise your offspring.

You got me there. I'm a teenage mother. I was 19 when I had her and I have suffered at the hands and harsh judgement of society enough to know that I really don't give a **** what it thinks. I like my book techniques too thanks, I also like watching them fly out the window when they're not suitable. I learned that about, oh, 4 years ago. I don't go by the book, I go by my kid and what I think is right and wrong for her. In fact, I've actively argued that most parenting programs these days are ineffective and inefficient. And I've done so very publicly.

...observe traits your child beholds,,, when they 'over do' things -punish - they don't understand the punishment? - then make them understand.

I do. Geez, just because she was diagnosed 4 days ago doesn't mean that I've just let her do whatever she's wanted for 6 years.

...add diversity ... getting ABC LEarning Centres to raise your Child just Exacerbates any traits which you deem to be 'different'. ... by always being with your child, you help add diversity to thier lives..... therfore educating them on the techniques of life, some of us pick up differently/faster ....

She goes to school. So do I. In fact, I taught some lessons in her class last year, and will continue to do so this year. I do reading, reading groups, reading support, computers, and art lessons with her class. And I do tuckshop. I am at that school so often helping out that they ought to pay me. And I work and go to university. I major in Anthropology, so please stop assuming that I know nothing other than Western philosophies.


consider your child to be 'spoilt' - in a sense -- the word spiolt is just that, ruined, and it's why it was coined 100 years ago... it defines any traits a child tends to do because they feel that that is what they should do because -no-one ever told them not too....it's not just a term for rich kids.

My kid isn't spoilt. I am very strict. She gets only what she needs. Luxuries come at special times of the year like birthday and Christmas.

---I think - letting go -saying good bye to the forum (You may have become addicted like me) --and visiting mum for tea .. and conversing with her will be the best help ... consider yourself lucky that you still have mum their to help.... she is the best book that you will ever read.

I only joined the forum last night. I'm not addicted. I thought I'd found a place where others knew what I was going through and a place to find techniques to help my kid. I see my mother a lot. She lives a street over from me. My extended family is very close. I'm a firm believer in 'it takes a village to raise a child', although I don't palm my kid off to whoever offers whenever I want.

(Now - being Autisitc will mean, that like me, you may hate your mother on meagre or higher levels, and probably hide it too.... so the first thing to accomplish is to 'find your soul' and forgive the planet and your parents --and realise that they must of done a pretty good job on you, considering that you are having difficulty, and resorting to the lameity of book worming your way through life)

I don't hate my mother. I don't feel like the world or my parents owe me anything. And I think my parents were pretty damned good examples of good, kind, decent parents. And I like book-worming, thanks. I find it easier than dealing with people.

But you win. I'll take your advice and will leave the forum.
I do thank everyone who PM'd me and everyone who responded to this post.

Do you need a husband? - I'm 28?



I hoped it helped! --but for someone that is versed and takes the time to <>quote and <>bold in the computer world you mad my piont....



...forget the word as it is today....You wouldn't even know about AUtism -an invented condition to explain parenting in the 21st century.

ohhh .. about Spoilt : you missed the piont --the word doesn't pertain to 'recieveing' and 'not-receiving' request from the child.... it means 'things the child didn't learn' and they include manners and nuances of a stable upbringing.... something the mothers of today have forgotten.... because of the society we live in --the overly informed society --most people mistake tinformation , and re-interprete it as something else - inclding doctors... they themselves have been 'taken' with terminolgy and diagnosis ... RITALIN - uhh -the best ritalin is a cricket bat.


NOTE: I say again - I hope that it isn't just you reading this, put every other mother and father on the planet .... the SNAG is dead the SOCCER MOM still needs to die.... then, and when that happens, when the curent generations are no longer the current generation,, will the Spike that was the baby boomers and thier ruining (Spioling) of the last six generations will it end. ADD and the so forth will be a thing of the past - not because of drugs, but because of societal change.

oh please don't leave because of erlyrisa.....this person is not the majority around here~just someone with an alternate view from most of us. unfortunately, some people on here can be quite harsh, and don't realziez how much their words hurt.

No, I'm in absolutely no need of a husband. I'm happy on my own.
My kid also has manners. Good manners. No manners, no response.

Erlyrisa you have no idea about parenting in the 20th and 21st century. It's easy to spout off easy solutions about the past when you don't have to deal with children 24/7. Having a Godson is not the same as having a son. Knowing people who might have a diagnosis and did well without one, does not make you an expert. I'm glad that you like the old way of parenting...but they're trying to make it illegal here in QLD (smacking - a big old parenting-style disciplinary method), and a lot of other things don't sit well for a new technological era.

I don't quite understand what you're doing in the parenting discussion, other than annoying, undermining and stressing out parents who have enough to deal with without defending their position, themselves, and their children online.

Ster, thankyou. I think I'll stick around for a while.

I second Ster's comments. We have a core of parents here, most (or it seems most) are Aspie parents themselves. We do like and encourage the child-less Aspies to help out with opinions. However, a forum, a true forum doesn't have a single block of opinion. Thus, the disagreements.
Don't get too upset when one of the child-less makes accusations. It happens.

Agreed.

I think kids these days are in a no-win situation, actually.

If they are active, they get diagnosed with ADD/ADHD.
If they are not active, they are diagnosed with depression.
If they are bright and curious about the world, we assume they have AS.
If they are not bright or curious about the world, we assume them to have an alphabet soup of learning disabilities.
If they are introverted, we assume they are autistic.
If they are extraverted, we assume they have ADD/ADHD.
If they do as they are told without complaint, we assume they have self-esteem problems.
If they are hostile to our wishes, we assume they have oppositional-defiant disorder.
If they like to go outside and play, we assume they have ADD/ADHD.
If they like to stay inside and play, we assume they are phobic or avoidant.

Seriously, whatever happened to good old-fashioned parenting?

Set and enforce appropriate limits. If the child is doing something which sets them at significant risk of maiming or death, stop the child and tell him/her no. If the child disregards this, discipline the child. Unless the child mysteriously lacks sensory nerves in the buttocks, they'll get the message pretty quickly.

If it is not dangerous to life and limb, don't nag the child. All this does is force the child to choose between his/her own self-worth and their connection to you. Instead, let the child experience the natural consequences of his/her actions. When they come to you about it later (and young children will), make it a point to emphasize the causal link between their inappropriate action and the negative consequence which occurred. Then, teach them what they could have done instead, that would have had a better result. Don't coddle or enable the child's bad behavior... instead, give the child the opportunity to learn and grow.

Make your expectations of the child perfectly clear. Don't be afraid to reward and praise when the child lives up to them. Don't shy away from disapproving and removing privileges when the child does not.

People tend to live up to (or down to) the expectations you have of them. Don't treat the child as "sick in the head". It's hard to imagine how you could set up a more negative expectation than that. It also gives the child a ready-made excuse for not trying to do better, and thusly enables bad behavior by giving them something else to blame, instead of putting the blame where it belongs.

Model appropriate behavior for the child. If you behave inappropriately yourself, the child will either end up behaving inappropriately also, or lose respect for you for failing to live up to the standards of the larger society. Neither is a result you want.

Hazelwudi,
I agree with you, seriously.

I'm pretty old-fashioned in my parenting style. I do smack even though my kids pain threshhold is too high for it to register (and even though it may be illegal here soon - even in the home!), I remove privileges, I set strict boundaries and guidelines. I praise when needed and punish when needed.

I have no intention of telling Hannah about her diagnosis, because she is manipulative and will use it to her advantage. She will get the help she needs, but she will still be expected to adhere to a certain code of conduct.

I don't think anyone in this thread has mentioned anyone being 'sick in the head'...I don't think that term is correct at all in terms of Autism on any level.
I have solid expectations for my kid (happy, healthy, independent, loyal etc) and as long as she achieves those things, then I'll be ecstatic. Right now though, she is none of t hose things, and not because she's only a 6 year old.

I think parenting has a lot to do with outcomes for all kids, but especially these kids.
I don't intend to blame everything on my kid's AS either. Sometimes she's just naughty because she can be. And is punished accordingly. My parenting will change accordingly though, and newer techniques will be adopted only IF they work to get her closer to those precious expectations I have for her.

I'll be damned if she comes to me in 20 years and says 'why didn't you help me when you knew about it' because I refused to acknowledge her problems and areas of interest etc.

Please please don't assume that there is no parenting being done just because we are here to discuss our child's diagnosis. It's a hard thing to cope with. I am a young Mum, a teen Mum...I'm also one of the strictest Mum's around (ask the parenting counsellors and Drs who actually recommended that I let Hannah watch TV outside of the Saturday morning time-slot I'd provided each week). My kid is made to play outside at least 2 hours per day, I make her do her homework and that's a battle I won't give up on because I feel it's important (not that I disagree with those who choose to do otherwise)

And thankyou, Hazelwudi, for stating your opinion is a less offensive manner.