Made the mistake of reading the parent's forum

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I was posting to find people like me. The way I parent is going to be offensive and upsetting to some other parents, just the way other parents might offend me as a parent. Me sharing what I do and what upsets me is not attacking other parents, it is meant to make it clear how I parent because I am seeking other parents who share my views for support.

My post spoke to two parents who said they feel similar to me, and that is what I was looking for. I just wish they weren't made afraid to share what they really think on a forum because we'll be jumped on and chastised for it. I think it would be a kinder place here if everyone gave people the benefit of the doubt and asked for clarity. I sincerely don't want to offend anybody, and made that clear with this:

That reads like all about me, to me, which was its intention. I have a hard time handling my emotions (I find a lot of the posts sad) and (I get angry when I'm sad) - there I am talking about how my emotions develop when I am overwhelmed with something, and one of those somethings is children's rights and another one of them is autistic rights. Further, (don't want to alienate people who are struggling to parent by becoming angry with them) and (parenting is the hardest job ever) which I felt would indicate that I sincerely do not want to put myself in a position of judging other people, but you know, we all do that. In fact, I have been so thoroughly thrashed for having judgments about how to parent, it's sort of outrageous.

If I need to clarify something, please just ask and I will try to communicate more effectively. I don't come here to be bashed anymore than any other parents do. By 'avoiding' difficult topics that 'make me sad' which can 'make me angry' I'm trying to help make this a safer place for everybody, because it doesn't feel nice to be thoroughly thrashed for saying how you are or what you do in your life and wanting to meet others who do similar. I started the thread to be able to chat with others who parent the way I do.

There of plenty of these parents here. I can't be happier with my children. Both of my children are always happy and smiling. And my wife has always said that if she had a choice between raising typical children or autistic children, she would still choose to raise autistic children. Listen to the voice of my son in this video, and tell me if you can detect an iota of sadness or depression anywhere:

If people think that I am just lucky of being blessed with "high-functioning" autistic children, think again. This is from my website http://www.eikonabridge.com/fourier-transform-and-autism

"...Mind you, my son was hyperactive, could not stay still for 2 seconds, could not focus or look at static pictures (let alone stick figures). He could not read and could not talk. He used to get mad easily, throw tantrums, break objects, slam doors, and had a variety of sensory problems. He used to play with a vacuum cleaner ten hours a day."

And here are some more comments from my website http://www.eikonabridge.com/qna

A: Autism is a communication problem. Once you solve the communication problem, everything else will fall in place.

Q: Isn't autism a behavioral disorder?
A: No, it is not. Behavioral problems are manifestations of communication problems. If you solve the communication problems, the behavioral problems will go away, by themselves.

Q: But autism is a disorder, right?
A: No, I am autistic and I am not sick. People with autism simply have a different way of thinking and a different way of developing. They belong to a different species (or subspecies if you want), but are fine human beings otherwise.

Q: But children with autism have developmental issues...
A: No, they simply need to be communicated in a different way. They are speakers of a different language: the visual language.

Q: If children with autism don't have problems, then where is the problem?
A: We are the problem. We the adults are the problem. We are the ones that need to change our behavior and our way of communicating.

-----

I cannot repeat often enough: autistic children are perfectly fine the way they are. Even the "low functioning" ones. They are not intellectually disabled. We are.

The kids don't need any "fixing." It's the parents who need fixing. After you "fix" the parents, the kids would do just great and develop just fine. This is speaking from personal experience as a parent that has been "fixed." Before my son was 2.5 years old, I was totally lost as what to do with him. But when my son was 2.5 years old, one day I finally came to understand him. I had my light-bulb moment. Ah hah, that was it. There was no mystery to autism anymore. I completely stopped worrying when my son was 2.5 years old. And after that moment, everything fell into place, and my son developed just great. My only regret is that I did not understand him earlier.

As for my wife, I just have to chuckle to myself. She used to complain that she could not possibly draw pictures, that not everyone could draw pictures. Yet, here you see what she just drew for my son tonight: a Ferris wheel, and an elevator with up and down buttons and an "epic motor." Even myself was impressed with my wife's drawing skills. Ha. When parents learn to speak their children's native language, of course the children will do great. (By the way, this is our new magnetic sketcher board. It's called Megasketcher, made by Tomy. They don't sell it in the USA, we had to order it from UK and wait for 3 or 4 weeks for the shipping. But it's totally worth it, my two children are fighting for it...I just placed another order for a second one. Compared to what we can get in the USA, this sketcher is just so much better. My children should know: they are experts in magnetic sketchers, after all!)

You're in my face too much.
Maybe it's a cultural thing.
Maybe it's passive aggression
Maybe it's cause I got a cold and feel fluey.

If I do have anything to share on my parenting style it can be found in my posts.
I don't like the parenting section much myself but it serves a purpose for those like-minded I suppose.

I stopped DD11 from watching Disney Channel or Nickelodeon. And do you know what? Her behaviour has improved in so far she doesn't copy the utterly brain dead stuff that is portrayed on there no more. She's gotten into Grey's Anatomy instead though

I'm so glad I'm not in the US though. Cause the next outbreak of measles might just infect my DD and she would then infect others and how can I live with myself knowing that my DD is walking around unvaccinated

Just to be clear, I read through some of the responses.

I'm not a parent but someone who might have asperger's might not. I don't really know. My parents and one therapist think I have it.

My point is that as a child I wish my father would have just let me be, rather than trying to "fix" things about me - eg. the way I walked, tics, twitches, little stuff like that, that I really had no conrol over. That's all I meant....

Love is the answer.... this doesn't necessarily mean showering them with gifts all the time or telling them they are the most magnificent being ever....it just means treating them with respect and love. The rest is really just details.

Anyway, I'm not going to post here anymore since I'm not a parent. Sorry if I intruded.

If you go into the US, you won't get measles. Those were only isolated outbreaks.

Exactly. According to the blame brigade it would be the likes of me that is the cause of these isolated outbreaks.

Somewhere in my early twenties I toyed with the idea of finding myself a nice Alaskan bloke to spend the rest of my days in isolation. Never did though. The USA is probably the most unappealing country in the so called civilized world to me so no worries there on me landing on your shores with an unvaccinated child that could cause another isolated outbreak

Ominous, if I may give you some feedback about your original post:

(A wee bit of background first...in a purest sense, I guess I am NT, because I am not on the spectrum. So, sometimes I read things from the point of view of an NT parent. However, I do not consider myself to be NT. I have ADHD and some Aspie traits, so sometimes I feel like I am not an NT parent at all. I am in the middle. I do not belong to either perspective. Anyway...)

Your initial post put me off, and while OliveOilMom's post was worded strongly, it loosely summarized my original reaction at an emotional level, and I can tell you why: My kids are 13 and 9. I have been doing this "parenting of a non-NT kid" thing for a long time. One thing that sets me off almost immediately, especially when I am viewing things through an NT parent's eyes, is the automatic assumption made by some adults on the spectrum that I am not accepting of my kids, that I don't love them the way they are, that I am trying to change them, that I want them to be "more NT," that I support pushing unnecessary medications on them, that I want to remove their stims, that I find them embarrassing, that I feel they were stolen away from me, etc. etc. Believe me, this is the stuff that NT parents hear all.the.time. from particular kinds of adults on the spectrum. That we are inferior and that we bumble through our parenting under some sadly inappropriate guise to "help" our children, when all we are doing is messing them up because we are...well...NT. And that we can't possibly understand our children, or their needs.

It is an unfair, unjust, and presumptuous POV to approach NT parents with. I believe that OliveOilMom is sensitive to this, and I believe she does not agree with it, and I honestly believe that part of the strength of her response was a result of this sensitivity. One of the things I really respect OOM regarding is that I have *never* heard her say anything disparaging about NTs as a group. She actually advocates against it. There is a lot of NT bashing out there. I am not saying that is what your intention was, Ominous, but from an NT perspective, your OP started out with the underpinnings of that particular POV, and I--for one--do not hate OliveOilMom for rising up against it, even if she may have pushed harder than I would have that early in the conversation.

I would think that anyone who spent even a modicum of time on this board would realize that we are not like most ASD parenting boards. You made assumptions and judged without doing your research first. At least that's how your OP came off.

You will find lots of support here. The one thing I will forewarn you of, however, is that most people who post here do not feel that the only way to support someone is to say kind words, pat them on the back, and nod your head in agreement with everything they say. If that is the kind of support you want, you may not find it here. Here, you will find people who will, for the most part, carefully evaluate what you have said and let you know what they think of it. Here, we support each other by being honest, by challenging each other, and by standing by each other's side through it all.

DD got one of those for her second birthday. She absolutely loved it, I took pictures of her artwork at the time and made a seperate folder on the PC. She loved painting too and I encouraged her rather than trying to do things that I enjoyed.
Maybe it did help her, I'll never know but what I do know is that she is not so much a visual learner as a tactile learner now and horse riding has been her thing for years. She rarely paints or draws now.

I am one of the parents that sent a pm to OP. I was happy to see her post, as you don't find a lot of people who feel the way we do out there. I don't see anything wrong with what she said. I happen to be NT with a son that has ASD. She is looking for people who feel the way she does, has similar parenting styles, and that was clearly her intent to post. I have posted similarly on other sites. My intent was to find others who felt the way I do and I got nothing but other parents bashing me and telling me how I was hurting my child. I will say this forum is my favorite parenting forum out of all of them because you don't see as much of that on here. My thought is if the post doesn't speak to you and the intent is clearly to find people that it does, then why just not reply and move on.

^^^^ Yes. This expresses my feelings exactly.

When I first read your post, I was struggling to figure out which parent's posts you could be referring to on this forum. I do not read every post here (mostly because I don't have time), but I have yet to find a parent here who does not accept or love their ASD child exactly as they are. I would say that most of the posts here are about seeking advice to best support their child, and to help their child best feel happy, and comfortable with themselves.
The vibe of this forum tends to be about helping our children thrive, not about "knocking the autism out of them." My guess is that your sensitivity to the latter style of parenting children on the spectrum may have caused you to misread the intentions of the posters. I agree, if you researched the posts here more, you would see we are a lot more like you than you concluded. I have not been a part of any other parenting forum for children on the spectrum, so I don't know what they are like. I stumbled here, liked the energy here, and joined. I do know that the "fixers" exist. When we first started suspecting that my son was on the spectrum, I had some friends put me in touch with other friends of theirs who also had children on the spectrum via facebook. A couple of these parents sent me all sorts of information about hyperbolic chambers, special diets, and other "remedies" that seemed nutty to me. I felt bad for their kids. I have yet to see a parent like that on this board. My husband and I think my son is awesome, brilliant, and refreshingly himself. We do not want to change a thing about him. We only want to help him feel less frustrated, and more comfortable in his world. I believe most of the parents here, if not all, feel similarly.

Guzzle: I'll make you a deal:

I'll show you the Grand Canyon if you show me the Opera House in Sydney--or Ayres Rock.

There's lots to love about the US. Our bad healthcare system is not the fault of the US populace.

The "ugly American" is only a stereotype.

Moreover, we incorporated your "no worries" into our lexicon, courtesy of "Crocodile Dundee."

I'm no Ozzie actually, did work with them and Kiwis for a few years and if I remember right they utter no wucking forries.
If you paid my fare I would still pass. Commercialization of heritage in the name of profit. It just doesn't tickle my fancy.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news ... elopments/

I think the presentation issue is that it is not necessary to share everything you think in an introductory post designed to connect positively with people. All that was needed was to say something like, "Hi, I would like to introduce myself. I am a parent and I have a very positive attitude about ASD and am looking to meet like-minded people. Feel free to post on this thread if you feel that same way."

It is not that it is wrong to say you don't agree with certain things, or that they make you feel bad; It just is not an effective way to communicate if the goal is to focus on positivity and meeting positive people when you strew your own post with negativity.

(Just the opinion of someone whose own communication skills are quite lacking a good deal of the time)

I feel SO sorry for your ASD kids. Seriously. What a terrible way to grow up. You literally have no empathy or understanding of ASD people whatsoever do you? I assume, in theory, that you are here to become enlightened about ASD and try to improve your relationship with your ASD child, right? So why do you constantly b***h at people with ASD and have no understanding for them whatsoever? I bet you're so mean to your ASD kid that it warrants being reported to child services.

You are a damaging and destructive influence on this forum. I have seen enough horrible venom filled posts by you to become convinced of that in the few days I have been here. Usually I am not as vocal when someone is offensive, but this is an ASD forum and ASD people are VERY sensitive. If YOU can not behave as one of these ADULTS that you so desperately want to talk to, LEAVE! Nobody wants you here. Shame on you. Your behavior towards "differently abled" individuals on this forum is disgusting.

Last edited by mistersprinkles on 15 Feb 2015, 12:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

She is actually the ASD parent and all her kids are NT, she suspects one of them may be very mild like her except he doesn't have any of the social issues she had.

That's even worse, then. As a person with ASD she should have some sort of empathy towards others with ASD. And if her ASD is severe enough that she has no empathy, she should at least know how to behave reasonably within the limits of what is acceptable to say to another human being. I have seen her chop down people's self esteem on this forum several times in the few days I have been here.

I go to group therapy with about 25 people with ASD and many of them are very severe, and none of them are as cruel as she is. She's as bad as an angry child throwing his toy dumptruck across the room.

If she's this bad with strangers I can only imagine how bad she must be with her kids.