tantrum

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My son just had a tantrum at the gym. I had to carry him out kicking and screaming. The childcare person marched him into my class because he had a tantrum over a pair of scissors that she asked him not to use. If she didn't want him to use them, why were they on the table?! I couldn't calm him down, he gets "stuck" on stuff and can't let it go. People were staring at the normal looking 5 year old having a tantrum like a 2 year old. How do you make people understand that this normal looking 5 year old isn't a bad child, this is "normal" for him, and I am not a bad mother? He and I cried all the way home. I've always known Dylan was different, but after getting the diagnosis of Asperger's on Friday, I am just more emotional.

Actually one of the best things about getting my son's diagnosis was that I could turn to strangers during a tantrum and say "Its okay, he's autistic." (explaining Aspergers syndrome takes too long for these situations) To paraphrase a bad movie- having an autistic 5 year old means never having to say you're sorry- at least to poorly paid, poorly trained childcare professionials.

Been there, done that. All I can say is that time will heal your pain. Let the diagnosis digest and then get back up and fight for your child. Educate the people he will be spending time with. Stay calm because he will feel your stress and may start to stress about it and that will only make things worse. You know you aren't a bad parent and your son knows that too and he should be the only one that matters when it comes to how good of a mom you are. Now if I could just follow my own advice!! !! My daughter was diagnosed last November and it took me nearly 3 months to really accept it and now that I have most days are better. I think it's because I'm not afriad to say "my child has Asperger's Syndrome...maybe you should google it sometime."

My son who is not AS but is ADHD and a few other things had the worst tantrum ever in public when he was about 4. We did't have a car, and had to walk a couple of blocks to do our shopping and errands. City living at it's finest.

We had a few stops to make, groceries, the donut shop, and the drug store last and then home. Everything was fine until we had to wait more than 5 minutes at the drug store. I had him in hand, the bag of groceries, the box of donuts, and he decided he wanted a donut right now. I told him as soon as we got home he could have one. As the time passed, he began to whine, and then decided to go limp. Finally part dragging him we pick up our prescription and start heading out. He's at this point screaming for the donut.

We walk home this way, dragging/walking...people are looking, it was awful. Needless to say he didn't get his donut at home, instead he got time out in his room. I was exhausted. If there had been a safe place to do so, it would have been better if I could have just allowed him his tantrum, and ignore him. I didn't have that option at the time.

The more attention you pay to tantrums the worse they are I think. Making sure the child is safe and just allow it to run it's course is best. My AS daughter still has them at age 13, though they are much shorter now. When she was young they could last hours, and I'd have to hold her to keep her from hurting herself or something else. At that time she had no language to express the great many things she had to tell me. To this day I believe it was all frustration.

Just recently our three and a half year daughter, diagnosed with AS, has started to have the "meltdowns" in public places, whereas before it always seemed more contained to at home, and even more specific, to when it was just me taking care of her, like when my wife was at work. My wife for the longest time didn't even believe that they were happening - kind of singing frog phenomena. At any rate, she's now having them whenever, wherever, they are more often, longer in duration, and WAY more intense. Last week we were in a Starbucks (which is enough to give ME a meltdown right there, but that's another story) and the blender went on - and it was all downhill from there. The lemonade that she had so desperately wanted went sailing from her hand across the room, and she started screaming, eventually getting into the fetal position. Oddly enough there was a lady there who's grandson also has a PDD, had seen the whole thing, and knew exactly what was going on. Her knowledge of what the situation REALLY was more or less counterbalanced all the other people giving me those "You're a bad parent" eyes. God bless souls like that.

"kind of singing frog phenomena"

Boy, is it!


Just my opinion, but I don't offer any explanation for any tantrum unless someone's threatening us. My aim is to get out of there as quickly as possible, with as little damage done. Giving an excuse, "he's autistic" is 1)blaming the child/autism and/or 2)giving strangers more information that necessary and 3)talking about him while he's there is objectifying and he'll resent it later. I totally understand the frustration and anger though. My son rarely stims and "looks normal" for all intents and purposes. So, when he would tantrum people would just see "brat". Strangers don't need to know anything and they'll just use that information against us.

I was born with a paralyzed vocal chord, which resulted in my breathing really noisily (like a bizarre wheeze). People would look at me weird and ask my mom if I had asthma. My mom finally got so sick of explaining it once that she nodded her head and said yes. My older brother said, "Mom! Tell her! She's got something 'tuck in her troat'!' And the stranger just got very alarmed and angry at my mom. Like she's just letting me sit there, having an asthma attack. It's just not worth it to explain things to numbnuts.

It's funny, until Dylan was diagnosed with AS, I didn't have that "label" to put on him. I couldn't make excuses, I didn't have any. I fear labeling; mostly for other peoples ignorance and then for my impatience. My husband keeps telling me that there are always things that people can't do-I am trying very hard to wrap my brain around that. I need to figure out a way to let go of the things Dylan can't do and focus on those that he can do. My baby is REALLY smart, I hope we can channel that into something productive and satisfying for him.

i think one of the harder things in life has been to ignore others' reactions to my kid's tantrums. it's none of their business....it took a LONG time to achieve this attitude, and sometimes i still fall back into the trap of being totally embarassed and/or frustrated by the tantrum. what i've realized for myself is that i need to remove my feelings from the situation, and just try to problem solve~
"what can i do to fix this situation now?"........i've also learned to let go of some things. learned to avoid tantrum-inducing situations. learned to better explain what to expect in any given situation so that my kids would know what's expected of them. they still have tantrums from time to time, but i can't fix everything!

Hello Jessrn, welcome to WP, and thank you for your thread.

Its understandable that you are frustrated and upset about this, we with AS tend to have problems controling our temper, and it can sometimes get a little out of hand.

I always had problems at school and controling my anger, especially when people used to wind me up, but then i started seeing a psycologist about these problems, and it helped me a lot, as i learnt many technecs in calming myself down, and helping me control my impulsive and obsessive behavior.

Try to be posative about it, i know its difficult, maybe try getting dylan involved in a social club with other people with these problems too, he will then be able to learn how to socialise with people better, and he will learn how to make friends with more people.

I seen a psychologist, and i joined some social clubs, and it helped me alot, not everybody is the same, but you could always try and get your son involved.

Hi i agree with Ster it is none of their buisness. I know it is embarassing and hard to deal with it. I have an 8 year old son with Aspergers and it is a good idea to just say he is autstic and that this is typical . Until they know what we as parents of these children go through each and every day they should not judge us. I know a lot of parents who think we are excusing the bad behavior but like you said about your child with the scissors they wont give it up. I have spent hours trying not to give in to my son constantly fighting and arguing, but you know sometimes it is easier to give in because i can talk til i am blue in the face sometimes and he will not budge.

How did you all explain AS to your children? Eventually he will notice he is "different." I keep trying to equate AS to asthma or diabetes, but this seems harder to explain-or maybe it's just because I am trying to explain it to my child.

The childcare person needs to go to timeout. Let him have the scissors until the you can find something else that he would be willing to play with. Obviously something was very important to him about those scissors at that time. Don't make issues out of small things until he is old enough to reason with.