pressured to make basic everyday greetings

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Hello,
My daughter has started a work experience with an accounting firm for 1 month organised by disability employment agency, spaced generously over the weeks, to not wear her out. Only 9 hours per week.

No one business has given her a chance till now, only because the office manager at this accounting firm has worked with people with barriers, for which I am so grateful. The disability employment agency finds work for people with disability, but I don't think she fully understands the autism spectrum and the difficulties in being social.

They are pushing my daughter to greet 'good morning' 'goodbye' ' good afternoon' 'I don't know where these files go' 'thank you for your help' 'see you on next shift' etc. They realise they are not asking her to be a social butterfly as well, just the basic courtesies.

My daughter is not completely mute, but she will only be verbally responsive if she doesn't speak first, only when they speak first to her directly. I've known my daughter for all 19 plus years and this is how it is with her. She is currently been attending half a year of 'social skills plus' to not much gain.

The disability employment agency don't want for my daughter to be too much work for accounting firm . If she is more work for them than what they gain from her. There will be little chance of 10 hours of employment per week. My daughter in 16 months of attending the agency has had one previous work experience at a car sales business. Just filing and scanning and very little social interaction.

I have asked my daughter to google 'you tube' for Aspies on how to memorise the social etiquette that we do, to get by in the world, we don't have to love it, but if she wants all the future goals she speaks of, she will have to fake it, then find ways to recover, she knows how to do the recovery.High profile jobs and careers are filled with people on the ASD.


My question would be, Are they reasonable? I'm not sure I know.But what I do know is I have not seen my daughter be spontaneous verbally yet. She will never start speaking first and when she responds, its a very short one. She is only a little bit more spontaneous at home, and then its not a lot.

Thank you for reading

It sounds like this job is a poor fit for your daughter. Aspies are, in general, unable to hold down jobs for which the primary skills required are smiling and being pleasant - receptionist, retail, fast food, etc. Rather, we need to know how to do something the average person can't - fix a car, design a website, bookkeeping, etc. What is seen as "entry level" work to NTs is anything but for an aspie.

Here is my question. leiselmum, if we're expected to follow these social demands absolutely and without question then why are we given such advice like be yourself when it is actually not true?

Do you not see that your standards that your daughter is expected to follow is contradictory and filled with double think?

Yikes, there's a good and a bad side to expecting this from your daughter. I can see that on the bright side they probably just think asking her to say these things are "good practice" to help her learn basic social pleasantries that nearly everyone in the world needs to know to "get by" and not draw people's ire.

On the other side of things though -- it's not really reasonable to expect these pleasantries, or in fact demand them, from a person who basically finds it all but impossible to be verbally spontaneous unless spoken to first.

While she is not selectively mute or even completely non-verbal, to me this demand is almost as unreasonable as asking a completely non-verbal autistic person to speak, and tell them they MUST say "Good morning," MUST say "See you on the next shift," etc.

That would be deemed unacceptable, were she a non verbal person. Even though she's not, she DOES have an issue with verbal spontaneity that ought to be respected as an issue, and given the same courteous allowances that would be given to a completely non verbal person.

I wonder if the people in charge could be approached with this line of thinking? I'm sure that if they were hiring a non-verbal person they would completely accept that they can't ask that person to say these things just so that he or she fits in with the office culture. They would make allowances that that person cannot be expected to do so.

Someone needs to explain to them that some similar level of exception ought to be made to accommodate your daughter.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for encouraging someone to learn social skills as best they can. But since this type of social interaction is a struggle for your daughter on an ongoing basis, it breaks my heart that someone is unwilling to allow for that.

^Yes.
If the job can't or won't make accommodations, then why was it even offered to her?
If she was able to do these types of social interactions just because someone told her to do them, then she would have learned years ago and she wouldn't have autism. Does the company think no one ever suggested she say, "Hello" before? It's like telling someone in a wheelchair to just walk a little because everyone else does, and then giving them a demonstration of how it's done. As if they didn't know what walking looks like.

I also agree this is an unreasonable expectation, as it is clearly not in her skill set. If she can respond in a way that comes off as being polite, I really think that is aces. Even that can be very, very difficult.

Honestly, if she is coming off as weird (as defined by NTs) when she is forced to initiate contact, she is better off not doing it anyway and I would let the agency know that. It is like that BS advice they give to kids that they should approach kids to get friends. If you come off as un-natural, weird, or otherwise undesirable, more often than not, in those cases, you get rejection or bullying for your troubles. Sometimes you are better off blending in by keeping to yourself.

If she can do what she is asked, and be pleasant when spoken to, I think that is sufficient. Extra to points to her, if she can also maintain friendly facial expressions and body language, when she is around people -but she may not be able to do that either, and the agency should get that too.