What to do with after my son graduates high school?

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Hi everyone,

So my 18-year-old son with Autism is graduating high school next year, and academically he is taking many AP classes. His strong subjects in mathematics and the sciences allows him to do well in school. However, his does have impairments that sometimes gets him into trouble. An example would be his obsession with only accepting girls or older adults with their hair down. Someone from the college disability office called us and said that an instructor reported my son to the dean due to this hair issue. Other small problems are that we always remind him to do homework or study for tests. His social skills level is on par with a child who is around 6 years of age. We want him to succeed in college but are concerned because of his current drawbacks even with ABA therapy. We've tried to help as much as we can since his back then "Severe" diagnosis at 3 years of age. We just don't know what to do as he is very capable academic wise but his impairments makes us worried at times.

One of the concepts of college is to teach independence. So from my perspective developing safe zones in college or special accommodations for Aspie students feels like the wrong approach. If you want your child to become independent, you need to give them the freedom to make decisions on their own, to make mistakes, to fix mistakes and to be there for them if they totally fail. When a child is riding a bicycle and falls down and skins their knee, you wipe off the dirt, clean the wound, kiss the knee and then put them back on the bike.

He may need some help in selecting a career path.

I am a good fit for many tasks and professions but I am suited for some better than others. This selection is based on my strengths and weaknesses.
* I am honest but I fail to readily detect dishonesty.
* I can think out-of-the-box but I am shy and often will not speak up or give my opinion.
* I am a risk taker but I should make sure that I have good health insurance and life
insurance policy.
* I am a subject matter expert but I find it difficult to communicate orally.

So when I consider jobs that I or other Aspies might gravitate towards as a profession, one might consider (do I have a good skills fit, how do my particular strengths and weakness fit, are there many or few openings in this profession).

For example - I could be a good janitor. It is a rewarding job. There is little stress because I repeat the same tasks day in and day out. Routine is my friend. There are many openings for this career field. But probably the profession doesn’t pay very well and I might find it difficult to support myself and a family.

I could be a teacher – I would be very competent as a subject matter expert but find it difficult to verbally communicate this information and may find it difficult to control the classroom because of my prior experience with being bullied.

I could become a professor at a university – this is a better fit but there are very few openings in this profession and it requires years and years to gain a PhD, perform post doctorial work, and wait for an opening to materialize.

I might make a good soldier but there are times when I will disobey a direct order because sometimes the orders given are dead wrong – my INTJ personality type.

I might make a good scientist, but there are few jobs for scientist unless you become a teacher. You will probably need to have a Master’s degree to work as a lab assistant and a PhD to really be able to call yourself a true scientist and perform research.

I could be an engineer. This is a good fit. Engineers are always in demand. It aligns with my desire to invent and build things. It is a good paying profession.

So consider all the professions and make sure your son down-select a good fit, before he starts his journey in college.

Well if he really only has social skills near the level of a 6 year old, he is not going to make it in college. I mean sure acedemics are the important part but if you can't keep up socially than well....bad things can happen if your on your own. I mean he may actually need more parental support, is he going to college away or close by enough he can stay at home? I mean even if he is academically sound a total lack of social skills could be a big problem in succeeding in college. I mean it almost sounds like, if he really is only as mature as a 6 year old he may need more family support and such to succeed.

Basically he may not have the capacity to be 'independent' doesn't mean he cant accomplish anything, but he might need a more supported environment.

I mean I don't have autism as severe I'd say my maturity is close to where it should be, maybe a bit delayed but even I couldn't handle college. I had some other issues to contribute...but well I was more gullible and not as smart and well I almost got raped, by a guy I had come to trust, I hate to throw that in here and I doubt that is what would happen to him. But point is being socially behind and thrown into college in a dorm away from your family does not really improve things. Like then you're just a vulnerable person out alone without family support close by, which unfortunately can leave one open to exploitation/abuse. I mean if your son really has the kind of maturity issues you say, it may not be best for him to be alone at college.

I am in my "Pleasing Four" stage of child development. I did not find it difficult to go to college. I just put on my mask of an adult and away I went.

Going to the university was not a social experience for me. I was focused on learning not socializing. That actually gave me a plus up when it came to academic performance.

In my opinion, many neurotypical (normal) kids had a distinct disadvantage when they travel off to college. They were unable to deal with the greater freedom and they lacked self-discipline. Many students wasted away their educational opportunity by entering a full-time party mode. Many times they had no goal, and many do not even select a major to begin with. Others changed their major so often it was like changing their clothes (every 6 months a different major). Many flunked out after a year or two or three. I studied and worked and then I worked and studied and learned.

For me, I discovered I was a racehorse. I was running a race. I was well focused on my goal and didn’t need a vast social life to succeed.

That's simply not true. I say that because when I was in my PhD program, I had a roommate, and I always described him as having a maturity of a 8-year-old. See, in our program, everyone had to TA (teach) for 3 quarters, no exception. But when it came to my friend, the department had to make an exception. My friend, beside his strong accent, simply wasn't mature enough to teach. If you let him teach, students would probably sue the university. That's how bad it was. No one else volunteered to teach him to drive a car, except I did. But, one day, after we came to a T-intersection, he panicked and by the time the car stopped, we were in the middle of the T-intersection, with the car facing 180 degrees backward and the everyone looking at us. (That was why I kept a big sign on the back of my car saying "STUDENT DRIVER".) I had to give up teaching him to drive. To my best knowledge, he never learned to drive in his whole life, afterwards. Now, you may laugh at all this. BUT, he was the smartest student I have ever met. The whole department knew it. That was why the department made all kinds of exceptions for him. He wanted to solve the most difficult problems. He got nowhere. All his friends graduated from PhD. He was in the program for 10 years, was the very last one to graduate, and never really solved anything spectacular. You would probably call him a failure. But, we the friends that knew him, knew he was special. So one friend introduced him to one of the top investment banks in the world. He worked there only for a few years, made enough fortune, retired, and went back to his home place. Last we heard he was living somewhere on a island with his father. He is still active in some online math communities, helping people to solve math problems. I think, he has had a successful life, certainly much more successful than many other people.

What's the point? Up there, people appreciate talents. You can have the maturity of an 8-year-old, you will still make friends, and they will help you with your career, because up there people appreciate your talent. Your social skills matter zero. It's your brain power what counts.

My ASD son is in his 4th year of university and most of what we (and him) worried about never came to pass. Because during the time we were all thinking and worrying about it, he developed a lot of maturity. My son is very high functioning, but never forget that your son's development isn't standing still.

My instinct reading what you've written is that your son would do well attending a local community college. This would allow him to take his time developing maturity and learning the social rules of behavior while trying out options for a major and career path. All without the pressure of worrying about how much money you are spending or feeling there is a timeline he needs to be finished within. My high achieving daughter choose the community college route and the smaller classes and broad mix of students (including many professionals seeking to expand skills) has been really enjoyable for her.

When your son is ready to transfer further away, some universities have programs for ASD students. Near Berkeley, for example, there is a house that is just ASD students attending various nearby schools.

Your son will be 18 soon and obviously has a huge say in all this. Have you discussed it with him? Find out his worries and his ambitions, and share yours. The final decision needs to be his.

My son is a computer science major, by the way. He knew for years that was the direction he wanted to go in. He has also developed a huge interest in teaching. He has had a lot of success with teaching at his summer jobs and also helping friends. Despite his rigidity on many things, my son really understands that different people learn differently and can devise multiple angles from which to share his knowledge. I love seeing the adult he has become.

Your son is still writing his story. Give him time, space, support and guidance when he wants it.