Guardianship and risky behavior handling for adult son.

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Hope the other parents of adult children with guardianship can provide their input.
Our son 22 who is HFA and has a lot of obsessive thinking (OCPD) quite often ends up doing or want to do the thing those involve more risk. Currently he is at home not doing anything and he says no to every thing that is not his idea. We are well aware of the resources and what could be done to improve his life, but the challenge is lack of his cooperation. Currently all therapies and learning etc is stopped. We have full guardianship.

In recent days one thing he wants to do is to go out in the late night (he sleeps as he wishes) and walk around the neighborhoods. We tell him it can bring risks but he says he does not care. If we call 911, police will come and they say they can not do much other than take to emergency hospital, which has already happened a few times.

So the question is what we as parents are supposed to do. How to handle these kinds of situations. Where is the balance between letting him do something vs some one accusing parents that you did not prevent this. And stopping or try to convince him mostly leads to aggression.


TIA, Raky

I will start by saying I do not have guardianship because I've never needed it, so take that into account when reading my answer. I can't fully get myself into your shoes.

Reading these boards all these years, and raising my own kids, I will say that I strongly believe you have to let go of the notion you are responsible for your grown son's behavior in any way, shape or form, despite the guardianship. You are going to have to let him make his own mistakes, as frightening as that is. With the guardianship you should be able to shelter him from many of the kinds of mistakes he would never be able to come back from, but you still have to let him live and learn on his own. If he creeps out the neighbors on these midnight walks they will call the police and he will spend the night in jail. If he crosses paths with a criminal hiding in the darkness he may get beaten up (or, tragically, killed - but we can't think about that one). You can warn him about these consequences and you can make sure he has consciously integrated that risk, but you can't stop him from making the poor choice to accept the risk. "He is going to bother the neighbors" and "what will the neighbors think" are not, IMHO, good enough reasons to curtail another adult's actions. Nor is "I will be so worried." Trying to reign in a grown child is destined to failure, unfortunately, no matter how incapacitated they are. People, even those with severe limitations, will instinctively fight for freedom, and deserve to have it.

What I think you can do is remind him that responsible adults DO take into account the feelings and needs of people they share a home with, so perhaps you can get him to agree to phone tracking so you at least will know where he is and how to find him if something bad were to happen. You are looking for a balance that can mitigate your worry without making him feel he's being caged or controlled.

It's all a very difficult balance to find, I know that, but I do believe you have to let go on this one.

If you truly believe he is an actual danger (beyond a perceived one) to others that will be a different matter, but in that case it might be better if he wasn't living in your home at all.

The pro side is that the more natural life consequences he experiences, the more he may start to understand he could use help, and be willing to accept it. It tended to always be that way for my ASD son (also now 22): he would think he was fine until the world beat him down on something, and then he would finally accept the help to fix it.

Hi Raky - I have an almost 21 year old son at home with me on a gap year. He has experienced OCD in the past, but I managed it by tightening the structure of his day, when younger, which enabled the anxiety to decrease, and the behaviours eventually ceased, with time. Is your son currently having any support/treatment for the OCD, and has the type of OCD been recognised(there are 4 types). Risky behaviour/impulsivity is not uncommon. I have three children, all adults now, all on the spectrum ... no guardianship, but if there was, I’d be hoping that the same rules that were applied to helping them cope previously, were followed through into adulthood. Yes, your son is an adult, but he is living under your roof. I take my hat off to you, as it’s not easy, and I hear you on the combative, aggressive behaviour front. I’m unaware of your son’s previous situation ... whether he was in mainstream/special ed/ or home educated. Prior to him being at home full-time, free ranging, was he doing better? I can’t help but feel your son needs structure in his day, in order for him to feel less anxiety, and more productive. You have offered him suggestions, and he becomes uncooperative. At some point, it will be in his best interest to move out, either in a shared setting or some other arrangement. Parents aren’t going to be around forever, and our children usually want their independence, it’s a natural thing. There have been many a HFA adolescent/adult who have required assistance in setting up a life away from the nest, due to controlling the home environment, and there are cases of elderly parents who have become desperate in similar situations to yours. If your adult son’s behaviour cannot be positively influenced by a more productive day, then I’d be looking at alternative living arrangements that benefit all, in the immediate and the long run.

I think maybe the walking around at night thing is his way of getting out into the world and finding out what he can do for himself. This is probably better than where my 18 year-old is at - he stays in his room all day on his computer, he won't go out during the day because "people may see him" ?!?
So maybe night feels safer for your son.
I'd let him do it, but I agree with the idea of phone monitoring for safety - and maybe see if he will carry a card saying he is autistic, in case of run-ins with the police.

Walking out at night, i did plenty of that in my early twenties, most not alone, though later 'someone' put me outside at night on 'drugmission' but i didn't know how-to, so i wandered around trying not to be suspicious, even on hooker-street nothing happens.
You can go walk with him? or someone else that's familiar?

But also try find a daytime occupation that's physical and has a bit of a challenge/problemsolving involved.

Parents are too afraid of giving expectations and consequenses, in our times,
specially for the aspies, particularly young adults, you must never give up repeating them.
It seems strange with the grown up child, don't mind about strange though.

Make a chart with the houserules in cooperation with the whole family, stick it up and keep it up.

Since he only acknowledges his own conclusions as worthy of influencing his decisions, you may have to work at getting him to acknowledge risks. It can start by getting him to consider there might be risks of which is is unaware. A visit to the hospital emergency room at night or the local police precinct, might help him become aware of some risks.

Often such ignoring of risks is not because a reasoned analysis has failed to include legitimate risks, it is more often because it is an excuse to do whatever you feel like. At his age, it may require rather strong corrective measures and you might find that consistently maintaining an environment that forces him to function (such as work, clean, and accept responsibilities) is difficult to maintain. If he has access to something like a group home, where he would be forced to follow rules, you might consider if he would be more likely to develop in an environment more strict than you could provide.

Just to add more he went thru the local public school system in special education section. To indicate his obsessiveness at one stage school agreed if we wanted to put him in other therapeutic school. But he found weird reason to not let us do it and at the same time he was saying he does not like the school. After graduation we put him in a very appropriate residential program but the one that wont keep him forcefully. Before going he did not develop any self independence skills saying he is smart and will pickup the skills once there , but once there he did not survive and came back home.


@DW_a_mom - Thanks you very much for your comments about "more natural life consequences he experiences, the more he may start to understand he could use help, and be willing to accept it".

@Juliette. thanks for your comments. We understand the need for help but biggest issue is rigidity to not accept help.

@MrsPeel - thanks for the suggestion for the card.

@traven - thanks for your comments. The area we live in has a lot of help is available about occupation etc, but again the issue is his 'distorted belief system' and obsessions.

@timf thanks for your comments. specially " it is an excuse to do whatever you feel like". He kind of hates any structure and wants to just follow his own weird thoughts.

TIA, Raky