Help! Teen called Children’s Aid Society

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Our 16 y.o. daughter, who has Asperger’s, called the Children’s Aid Society on us (her parents). She told them we weren’t feeding her for a week and were emotionally abusing her and that she wants to move out! In reality, she has been throwing away her school lunches because she doesn’t like them (despite many attempts to please or let her make her own) and instead binges on junk food. She steals money, food, toys, and clothes from her sister and brother and us. When we make her give things back she runs away to her friend’s house and tells her we are mean. She completely destroyed her room in a fit of rage. She complains loudly about the food we have for dinner and spits it out or throws it out. We have tried all sorts of compromises, including letting her make her own meals (this is what her Children’s Aid complaint is about!). We are desperate, knowing that she could not live on her own and is naive and vulnerable to anyone who would harm her. She wants to move in with her (female) friend, but the “friend” is into porn and prostitution and encourages our daughter that it’s OK too! Children’s Aid would support her living on her own if they believed her about abuse at home, and her autism is not obvious (she is beautiful and “passes” because we have taught her some social skills!). We love her and are trying to prepare her to be on her own in a couple of years, but she is not ready yet (and still in high school). Very worried and appreciate urgently any advice. We will probably talk with social services tomorrow or the next day.

If she were my brat, er, child (and that’s exactly how she is acting from what little information is given), she’d be spending the remainder of her youth in a reformatory! Once she is of age, she can do whatever she wants, BUT SHE WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO STEP FOOR ON MY PROPERTY EVER AGAIN!

If I offend, sorry, but I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR FROM ANYONE, LET ALONE MY OWN CHILDREN!! !

I was brought up in a zero tolerance home, if you’re wondering...

She's approaching an age where the option to impose your will, even for her benefit, expires - the remaining options will be persuasion and the help you can persuade her to accept.

Even when I came of age, my parents made highly positive contributions to my life by inviting me along to certain inspirational/investment themed seminars.

I don't get the impression that you're unwilling to set boundaries and expectations, but rather she's rebelling.

The children's services thing sounds like the kind of scheme that would be cooked up on an internet forum e.g. Reddit or similar after they heard her side of the story.

Firstly, since a talk with children's aid seems to be coming, it'll come down firstly to whether you can satisfy them that your actions have been reasonable and in her best interest.

Going forward, I think the situation obliges you to respond with increased boundary/expectation setting.

Key points I'd propose include:
- you love her
- you want what's best for her
- she has done things which are not consistent with her long-term well-being
- she has done certain unacceptable behaviors
- if she does certain things going forward, she should expect certain consequences to result from that
- because of her behaviors, you are obliged to set certain rules and constraints
- for constraints to be lifted, there are certain things she can do

I think a key point here is that you won't be doing anyone any favors by totally insulating her from consequences of actions. I get that you wouldn't want to see damage done, however, to the extent she takes volition into her hands, that reduces the extent to which you can or should insulate her from consequences.

HTH

I would trust the social workers to be able to see the situation for what it is: a rebellious teen. I know its scary, but getting an outside view could end up being a relief. As you tell things from my perspective you could also constantly ask things like "what would you recommend? We know this could be handled better but we are out of ideas."

Thank-you, everyone, for your input. Tim, that was very helpful. We do have these kinds of boundaries, but she seems to not internalise the natural consequences we impose, and finds ways to evade them. She was seeing a psychologist, but would not open up to talk to them (it’s hard to talk about feelings). The CAS worker came and talked to us, but did not seem too concerned. I guess our daughter is not like the extreme cases she sees every day. Because she is 16, CAS will not take her away even if they did think there was a problem, but they said she is legally able to move out if she chooses. They did ask her several times what her plan was, which pushed her over the course of the conversation to having a vague idea to moving to her friend’s house in one week. The social worker did not understand the autism perspective at all, and how that makes our daughter overly trusting and vulnerable, or unable to take care of herself. One scary thing was that the “friend” got her to ask us for her passport. They may try to leave the country as the friend is from eastern Europe and frequently travels there. We will have to look into the legalities of keeping her passport for her. We have the help of a family friend whom we hope our daughter will listen to, and who may have an alternative place where she can live—anything would be better than at her friend’s. We will see what happens this week after some family friends and grandparents talk to her. We have basically told her that we love her and want her to be a part of our family and what’s best for her, but that she can make her own decision, and that is what they will tell her too.

Thanks for the update. Good luck.

Would it be possible to have a military recruitment person or one of those community specialist police officers talk to her?

I get the easily swayed part of autism, and also the bullheaded part. My own strong willed child is only five, but we have many other strong willed, older kids in our family and some of them have had some sad experiences. It can help to get another person to give them another “out” option, and not to challenge their belief that they are in trouble at home. You don’t want her to march out there to prove you wrong and get into a tough situation.

So maybe a “cool” person could sway her in some other way? Give her something to work on, or some program to eat up her time?

Shred the passport. It's unlikely your daughter is organized to get a new one on her own.

The "friend" into prostitution and porn who wants to take your daughter to eastern Europe sounds like an entry point into a life of white slavery. Is this a friend at school, or not at school? If it were possible at all to forbid contact with her, that's probably justified, but it might be just the thing that would drive your daughter away.

All I have to offer is my sympathies. My daughter threatened to call the police on us because we insisted she clean up her room; this was so ridiculous on the face of it that I offered to dial for her.

We are desperate, knowing that she could not live on her own and is naive and vulnerable to anyone who would harm her.