help me to understand can my daughter be a Aspi?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi All. I do not really understand autism, help me to understand whether it is possible to attribute, explain her features to SA?
Maybe this is not autism, but obviously something is wrong.
My daughter (16 ans) has narrow interests, fixation or obsession. She tends to ask the same questions several thousand times on her favorite topic. It is not possible to force to do anything outside the zone of this interest, i can try to motivate only with reference to her favorite topic. Throughout her 16 years, interests have changed - at first it was copying cartoon characters, and at the beginning, when she was 3-5 years old, she chose negative characters - evil or stupid. Somehow she was not accepting oneself, one's own personality (maybe not understanding) —that was what she “wore” masks of these heroes from cartoons. Children in the kindergarten did not understand why? Well, really the daughter said that she is a stepmother from Cinderella. Just made me call her that name -stepmother! Everyone explained to her that the stepmother is bad, she did not do well, and finally I could not call her stepmother, because this is a mother for an orphans. My daughter defended her position to tears - and everything revolved around her image of stepmother... After there were different foxes, Tom from Tom and Jerry, cats, etc. My daughter started to read and write very early and loved it. So she began to make up her own books like the alphabet and ABC-book - with the verses and pictures, she wrote poems and fairy tales. Then she was interested in photographing. She was interested in the cats - she knew all the breeds and features. But always the problem was that the daughter did not understand herself and she denied her identity, I do not know how to explain it. She lived as if in her own bubble. she ignored most of what was happening around and copied what she admired. All the characters of cartoons or fairy tales, in which she was obsessed, were her masks. She said - I am a Fox or, I am a cat, or I am Tom. And repeat around the same one hundred times. And when we tried to explain her that she is a girl, very pretty and darling, my daughter defended her image very aggressively and tearfully and she didn't want to be left without her mask. Further, these fixations switched to another teenage topic - popular video bloggers - my daughter wanted to be one of them. Now her fixations are rappers - and Nicki Minaj. My daughter writes rap and poems. Now she is fixated on all this rap entourage. Can you imagine the girl of 15 years old - who demanded seriously to buy her a lamborghini, since Nicki Minaj has it! We translated this into a joke and explained that we have not such money and it is not possible.... Tears and stress. And a million and one question in different variations - when will you buy me a Lamborghini? our endless explanations and her inflexibility. In general, now this obsession with Nicki Minaj, well at least it motivates her to learn English...
Currently, she does not know how to express her emotions (softness and tenderness). If she likes a person with whom she wants to be friends, she makes things not suitable and strange. Strongly glued and copies this person, can look at him for a long time inseparably. As if trying to take his image to herself. It is very difficult for her to initiate a conversation, a game, to give help, to show sympathy. It is difficult to share feelings, interests, emotions. Do not talk about herselves, only if asked. Answers in monosyllables, not deployed, can not pick up the topic and develop further the plot and talk. communication with one gate. She can't play ping pong in a conversation and throw balls of good. He waits and loves attention to herself, but she loves just to receive, does not know how to give. the person whom she chose for friendship complains of too active attention and avoids communication, although at the beginning he seemed to be interested. She finds it difficult to stop her thoughts, she says everything she thinks and she finds it difficult to manage her outbursts of anger when something goes wrong as she supposed.
She also has coordination problems.
Thanks a lot to all of you, because here i can finally say everything that worries me in the behavior of my daughter. We will have an appointment of psychiatry in july.
If you have any recommendation or suggestions about my daughter I will listen to them.
Thanks ans sorry for my English.

No one here can diagnose your daughter. For that, you need an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health practitioner.

Of course no one can diagnose anyone on an internet forum.
The behaviors you described seem quite consistent with Asperger's syndrome.
The tendency to blindly copy some chosen person is a way of coping with total confusion about social life.

One of the defining aspects of autism is some kind of social blindness. Social cues, expectations, interpretations of social situations - they are so obvious to neurotypical brains that most people don't even notice them. But when an autistic mind is blind to them, the person is totally confused almost all the time. It's an enormous stress. There are many different ways one can try to cope with it. Plunging in interests is relaxing. Copying other people is a way to appear somehow correct, ensuring some safety - sometimes not really succeessfully, like in the case of your daughter.

There is likely a lot of stress and confusion underlying her behaviors.

She displays a lot of patterns that would indicate autism. How would she feel about an autism assessment?

Thank you all for the answers. My daughter thinks with fear about the visit to a psychiatrist. She is afraid of being diagnosed like a Asperger. We discuss about her problems and see that her problems are the same as those of Asperger. In any case, the diagnosis as such is not important to me, but an understanding how to improve her condition, reduce stress, motivate to learns and develop, understand oneself and her feelings. Daughter reads a lot of literature in order to better socialize, because it is now important for her to find the friends. Thank you

When your daughter visits the psychiatrist, it will probably be a good idea for you to tag along. In preparation for the visit, you might create a list of odd behaviors (symptoms) that describe your daughters condition.

There are Asperger tests available for free over the Internet. Although they are not definitive, perhaps they can give your daughter an approximate diagnosis if she is willing to take them.

Also, it may be of value to read a few books on the subject of Aspergers or High Functioning Autistic. There are many good books out there. Also the condition is expressed differently between males and female, so you may want to focus on female traits.

Another thought crossed my mind.

Generally Aspies, me included, are more motivated by our special interest. If you can tap into an interests, you can use it.

So I suggest using the concept of video bloggers.

There are many YouTube videos about Aspergers. Many of them are created by female video bloggers. She may learn a lot about this condition by watching these videos. It is an educational opportunity.

Also you indicated "My daughter thinks with fear about the visit to a psychiatrist." This is common. Sometimes under pressure and stress a condition call selective mutism may appear. She may not say a word during her visit to the psychiatrist. But if you treat this as an opportunity to test her skills for becoming a future video blogger and if you have a small video camera, this could be an opportunity to practice her dream. Just let her record the session with the psychiatrist.

What is the author's name?

We see one of two reactions when older children get a diagnosis: relief to finally have an explanation, or solid denial. It sounds like your daughter may be in the later group. I recommend spending a lot of time explaining the positive sides of diagnosis, how it can help other people understand her better, and how it can give her the tools for more successfully interacting with other people. Many successful people are believed to be on the spectrum. If she can see some as role models it may help.

Also note that not all professionals are equal. I do hope the one you see will gel well with your daughter, and reach an appropriate diagnosis. If not, don't be afraid to try others.

Good luck.

I used to do the "mask" thing as a young child too. Usually fictional animal characters from cartoons I like. My mother thinks I had some kind of mental illness because if you denied I was Bugs Bunny or whatever character I was at the time, I would have a meltdown. I also would switch characters without people knowing, but somehow expected them to already know.

thanks for sharing!

Today we were at the second appointment with a psychiatrist. She told us in detail about the problems that our daughter has (which we already know and see so well) and the psychiatrist concluded that yes, she sees that my daughter has all the symptoms characteristic of Asperger’s syndrome (fixation, difficulty in communication and emotions, sensory problems, etc.), but this is not Asperger since the cause of these symptoms is the fact that my daughter protect herself, i.e. this is her defensive reaction. Doctor told me that the Aspergers have these symptoms unconsciously and automatically. What is the reason for such a defensive reaction, the doctor does not know. We were hinted a little at the influence of the family ... And also, that my daughter really wants to have the friends and she is developing, and that this is not possible for Asperger. That is - yes, in the past two years she began to pay a little attention to people uninteresting to her and communicate with them on their own initiative. And before she simply stuck with popular teenagers and children ... Doctor told me that the Aspergers almost don't want to have the friends and they have no so progress. Actually, I'm certainly glad that there is no diagnosis, but somehow vague doubts torment me .... and the problems with us remain ... so a psychiatrist will observe her every 2 months, and want to try medication. And about Tony Atwood, our psychiatrist does not hear about him.

How does the doc know it is a defensive reaction and not your daughter's primary reactions to stimuli?
It's a super nonsense. Almost all the diagnosed Aspies I've ever known want to have friends but are too often unsuccessful.
Find another doc for a second opinion. If she never heard of Tony Attwood, no wonder her knowledge on AS is far from up-to-date. And be really, really careful with medication if you don't want to turn your daughter into a suffering vegetable. Been there, it's a hell.

Why are you so scared by a thought that your daughter may be Aspie? What aspects of it would be so hard for you to accept?

good question! I asked the psychiatrist several times why this is happening with my daughter? The doctor replied that my daughter is very selective and very dependent on me. The doctor also said that my daughter has a large developmental delay and severe immaturity for her age. In general at this appointment there were a lot of hints at the influence of the family, that we did not praise her enough, that I did not allow her to make decisions on her own, which we did not explain well for her. But this is not so! if you read my first topic, my daughter’s problems started when she was 3 years old when she started attending kindergarten. it was then that my daughter started having problems with denial of herself. the doctor explained that so far it is necessary to concentrate on only one problem - cognition and acceptance of herself and the development of independence. and the family should help her with this. but we have been doing just that all her life with little progress.


I agree with you. But, the psychiatrist believes that my daughter has a very strong desire to communicate with her peers and that she really wants to learn this and is trying to change. and it is this force that sets her apart from Asperger.


Of course, I'll try to find another doc, but it is difficult in Montreal. Psychiatrist wants to prescribe her medication for ADHD.
and I’m not afraid of the diagnosis Asperger's Syndrome for my daughter, I have already accepted it. I just want to hear confirmation from experts.
But as I wrote above, my daughter sharply denies the disease. she is very stressed and afraid of the diagnosis of Asperger. And yesterday at the doctor’s appointment, she began to cry that she was afraid that she has autism. Maybe that’s why the doctor said that it’s not an Asperger to reassure my daughter and not interfere with her desire to change and learn to communicate and know herself.

To the OP: my wife is neurotypical. Yet, she is the one that repeatedly has said, that if she had a choice and has to do it all over again, she would still choose to raise autistic children. Life is so much more fun!

Sure, you see families with autistic children suffering. You see parents getting divorced. I've seen enough tragedies in other families. But, most of the issues are human-made. If you view autism as a disorder, of course you will suffer, because, instead of developing your children, you are wasting your time trying to "cure" them or to treat/handle the symptoms. That mentality is self-defeating. But if you look at my children, you will realize that they are happy every day, with big smiles.

I spoon-fed my daughter until last year: she was 10 years old. I tell you what: from my daughter's preschool days, one of her teachers was already getting annoyed and was shaking her head at the fact that my wife had to go to school just to spoon feed my daughter during lunch. Did I care about other people's opinions/comments? Not one iota. Let me tell you this: my daughter was reading books and cursive writing when she was 2 years old. Today, year after year, her academic performance had always been at the top rank of her class/school/state. Moreover, she has an uncanny music skill for absolute pitch. She is friendly, fun, and proud to be autistic, publicly. I mean, compared to all the amazing things in my daughter's life, where do you place spoon feeding? Nahh... I accept my children the way they are. They have their own schedule and I am not going to change my children just to please other people. Look, those people that wanted to change my daughter, I look at their lives and their children's lives, and I don't see them as happier than my daughter or my family. It always seems funny to me that people that are suffering want to tell me what to do. Nope, thanks, keep all your suffering to yourselves. I'd much rather enjoy the smiles from my smart and happy children. (As for my son, it suffices for me to tell you that he wrote his first computer program at age 5). My children are 9 and 11 years old. But I am already worry-free. I don't ever need to worry about my children's future. Any effort I put in now, is for my children to climb even higher. People won't believe me that I already foresaw today, when my son was 2.5 years old. I have been worry free ever since my son was 2.5 years old. Ha ha. You know how many people have told me sarcastically that I shouldn't talk about the future because every child is different and that autism's outcome is hard to predict? I'd like to see the faces of those people again.

Yep, believe it or not, there are families like mine that enjoy and cherish autism. If other people prefer to go down the failed paths that millions of others have gone through, they are welcome to do so. Not my problem, is it?

Meanwhile I will keep talking about alpha waves in brains, superfluidity in Helium, quantized vortices and phonon-boson interactions, and have fun raising my children. (Yep, I've already discussed with my daughter about all those subjects). My children will be ready for the AI/robotic era, are yours?

Maybe the psychiatrist does not want to scare her, seeing how she reacts to the idea of Asperger's.
Why does she react that way? I guess it's complex. I imagine her derperately wishing she could become "normal" if only she tried harder... which would be pointless in case she was autistic. It's extremely hard to give up hopes one have invested so much in.
Anyway, it's not about labelling her, it's about helping her. The correct view of what she's going through is crucial but a label is not.

Family therapy could probably help a bit. I don't say it to blame anyone - good therapy is often about resolving miscommunications and misunderstandings. There are usually plenty of them in a family of mixed neurology.