son is making my home messy

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I didn't trash her son, did I? Saying he should have at least called is not trashing him. Teenagers sometimes don't realize how important that one gesture can be to a parent. You have to tell them.

She just explained why she was worried and why she wants an earlier curfew. I would assume all that is information she has discussed with her son. Do you not think parents have a responsibility to keep their children out of situations that are potentially lethally dangerous to them?

She also explained that he currently seems fine with how she handled it. I would imagine he understands her motives better than you do.

We talked about this years ago, but when you fight with a parent like you just have you've lost any ability to influence how they choose to treat their child. I understand you post here to work out your own issues first and foremost, but I thought at least a little part of you hopes to prevent issues like yours from falling on the next generation. No one listens to someone who attacks. When you take things too far you lose your credibility. Have you forgotten that life reality? Do you really want to chase more parents away from this board?

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 11 Oct 2019, 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Aspie1 doesn't think he's super nanny. He believes all parents thrive on exerting power over their children without considering the child's needs, because that is how he feels his parents were. His comments had nothing to do with your being ASD and your child being NT, and everything to do with his continued frustration over his own parent's actions. Something you wrote apparently struck a nerve, hitting home somehow. Why it did isn't really your issue; it's his.

I apologize if anything I wrote seemed critical. All any of us can do is share how things look from our own unique perspectives, but only you can know which views actually fit your situation because only you are actually in it. Posts on Aspie forums tend to be very outspoken. But posters are also quite happy to have you decide they've got it wrong. As long as everyone is nice about it.

I am glad that your son seems to have understood why you took the actions you did. Smart and caring kids do learn as we try to explain and teach. We can argue all day about the best methods, but long run it only matters what works in your unique relationship.

You seem like a great Mom! Always wishing the best.

Don't let anyone stop you from posting for advice here Caz

Hi OP you will work it out

I wrote a contract of rules and regulations with my son when he was a teen, who has severe ADHD, composed and authorised mutually, signed and put in a prominent position on the fridge, concerning curfews, friends boundaries, money, property, obligations, privileges and food for his friends. We worked it out together and found an acceptable format, but I was presenting each necessary rule. I gave more flexibility at the weekends. Homework before video games ( well Super Mario was the trend then).


Clear boundaries are a must for teens. The cause and effect is clear in a contract. Remembering to hug them if they f..k up is so important, together with the punishment, then they know they may have made a mistake but they are still loved. I screamed like a banshee when my kids were young, I am much nicer with my grandkids.

Parents have to be strong....even if they don’t want to be.

Setting boundaries is essential.

I find that Teach’s fridge proposal would be right up my alley were I a parent.

Caz. Please don’t feel bad. I think you did okay. Make sure you hug your son sometimes—to show him that you care about him.

The problem with contracts between parents and kids is the inequitable enforcement. If the child breaches the contract, he will get grounded, lose his TV "privileges" (notice the quotes), not be able to eat dessert, and whatever other punishments the parent can come up with, enough to make the Geneva Convention members shudder in fear. (Relax, all of you! I'm being facetious here.) If the parent breaches the contract, nothing will happen; they're the parent, after all. He who makes the rules can break them at will.

"If you kept the small rules, you could break the big ones." (Julia, quoted in "1984" by George Orwell) Hmm...

The parent must make sure to set a good example. The parent MUST keep his/her part of the bargain.

Otherwise, contracts are useless.

"Good example", my foot! Parent/child contracts are a non-starter from the get-go: they're mandatory only for the child and optional for the parent. Why? There is no neutral authority penalizing the parent(s). What's the parent's penalty be for breach of contract? Exactly: absolutely nothing!

That's why I think conventional families are broken, oppressive institutions, and must be abolished. And like the cliched mantra "Be the change you wish to see in this world" goes, I'm doing so by never starting my own family. This way, I will never become one of the oppressors (ahem, OP) I want to see abolished.

My husband and I used to put ourselves in timeout just to show the kids that adults DO face consequences, too. Reality is that parents face many, many consequences when they act poorly, but most aren't visible to children. We felt it was necessary for the children to SEE it.

The consequences parents voluntarily self-inflict are a cakewalk compared to the consequences forcefully inflicted on kids. Not to mention, the parents can down a shot of whiskey prior to their own consequences, to make them go by easier. Right? Right?

But I digress. Funny story. In 6th grade social studies, when we were studying the Magna Carta, there was a homework assignment: "draw up the Magna Carta for your own family". I found the assignment too traumatizing to actually go through with. So I used an underhanded tactic: I pretended not to understand the idiom "draw up", and actually drew a Magna Carta. I drew a vertical rectangle with a title saying "[Last Name] Magna Carta", squiggly lines standing in for text, and a seal of approval at the bottom. I even lightly shaded it with tan pencil, for that sepia look.

The teacher wrote C- and "see me" on the assignment. When I went up to her, I "explained" that I didn't understand what "draw up" meant. She offered me a chance to redo the assignment for a higher grade, but I declined. She said OK, but told me to use a dictionary next time I don't understand textbook instructions. I figured I could "drown out" that C- with A's and B's elsewhere. But actually writing my family's Magna Carta would be too traumatizing. Either that, or I'd get called into the school psychologist's office for what I might write there, who'd tell my parents and get me in trouble at home.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 30 Oct 2019, 9:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I havent been here for awhile but found this thread is still going with still some offending stuff being said to me t how do I get a thread locked ?

Why?
What we're doing is having a debate on a forum. The US law says it's OK. See: https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/forums.

In the words of my therapist, "you tell me".

I'd explain why I think that's false, but other posters did enough as it is. So instead, think about George Washington and year 1776. Why was he so fervent in leading America to independence? Here's why: (1) Sugar Act, (2) Quartering Act, (3) Stamp Act, (4) Tea Act, and (5) Intolerable Acts. England loved the power, I'm sure. Although, those Acts were also about revenue collection to fund the infrastructure in the 13 Colonies. But America wanted the freedom to govern itself. There's a reason why it drinks coffee instead of tea. (*cough* Boston Tea Party *cough*)

See any parallels?

Im still not going to post in parents discussion from now on....I do not like being called horrible it hurt my feelings and I have enough of that from bullies at work

I'm really sorry you feel bullied at work, and you feel upset at us, too.

There are some people who just want to get a "rise" out of you. I would ignore them.