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Aspie1
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08 Oct 2019, 3:58 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Parents are not in any way as "free" as you seem to think they are. Accept that you have no accurate vision on this. You are stuck on ideas formed when you were a child, and they are, to put it bluntly, not only incorrect, but dangerous. Perhaps your parents were closest alcoholics or addicts and that is why they handled things so poorly with you; I have no idea, but your experience and your ideas developed from it is NOT normal.
I get that you're defending the OP, maybe for good reasons. But I still don't buy the "parenting is very hard" mantra. It's not 100% easy, I get that, but it's absolutely not harder than being a child. For example, small pleasures you take for granted, like watching TV shows and eating dessert after dinner, are hard-earned, easily-lost privileges for a child.



DW_a_mom
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08 Oct 2019, 4:55 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Parents are not in any way as "free" as you seem to think they are. Accept that you have no accurate vision on this. You are stuck on ideas formed when you were a child, and they are, to put it bluntly, not only incorrect, but dangerous. Perhaps your parents were closest alcoholics or addicts and that is why they handled things so poorly with you; I have no idea, but your experience and your ideas developed from it is NOT normal.
I get that you're defending the OP, maybe for good reasons. But I still don't buy the "parenting is very hard" mantra. It's not 100% easy, I get that, but it's absolutely not harder than being a child. For example, small pleasures you take for granted, like watching TV shows and eating dessert after dinner, are hard-earned, easily-lost privileges for a child.


Depends on the household, doesn't it? You've only experienced one.

My kids controlled the TV. They didn't go overboard or watch anything inappropriate so I never had to try to make rules on it. The only rule for desert (when available at all) was to actually EAT dinner. It wasn't about privilege, it was about teaching the kids how to care for their own health. I never forced them to eat anything. But I did say you can't use desert as your meal because doing so isn't healthy. Eat real food first. The few times we loosened even that little rule up they got tummy aches, and figured out the connection. It was my job to teach them those little things, wasn't it? My kids would not agree with anything you write; they didn't experience childhood the way you did.

I'm not doing to get into a game comparing which is harder, being a parent or being a child. Everyone has different needs and different talents and the way it all weighs out is ALWAYS going to depend on the individuals involved. But good parents will place their child's needs ahead of their own, and will work hard to be sure they know what those needs are. That is the tough part, of course: understanding what each unique individual child actually needs (v. wants, humans often "want" what will actually make them unhappy or be destructive to them).

In the OPs case, we're looking at a NEED of the parent v., most likely, a WANT of the child. If it was the other way, we'd be telling the OP so. Needs should be allowed to outweigh wants in a household, regardless of if those needs belong to the parent or the child. If the OP can get the child to understand it is a need, I truly believe the child will want to help.


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09 Oct 2019, 1:49 am

Caz72 wrote:
as an autistic I like everything to be in a organised order
IV had my 14 y/o son living with me for about 5 weeks now and hes been tidy but today when I got home from work I had a meltdown
he must have had a friend in cos he had raided the pantry and theres empty packets on the living room floor and his Xbox 3 is untidily hooked up to the tv and not put away like I normally ask him to do
he was out when I came in so I rang his mobile phone and told him to come home immediately and tidy up his mess then go straight to his room
he did do as he was told but he thought it was funny and kept giggling at me which got me angry

how do I deal with this behaviour?do I ground him?or what ?


Give him consequences, yes ground him for making a mess and not picking up after himself. Put locks on the pantries and refrigerator if he is eating too much food with his friends so you won't have a higher grocery bill. Also the fact he laughed at you for you having a meltdown? Also disrespect. But lot of kids are assholes at that age because they lack empathy and their minds are changing from kid to adult and they are so self absorbed and it's all about them. Plus they rebel. But soon he will grow out of it and be empathetic again towards you about your autism.


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Aspie1
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09 Oct 2019, 8:13 am

League_Girl wrote:
Give him consequences, yes ground him for making a mess and not picking up after himself.
I feel sorry for the OP's son. I'm glad I'm an adult. I can do whatever I want in my home, with no consequences whatsoever. Including leaving a mess that would qualify for a "Hoarders" episode.

League_Girl wrote:
Put locks on the pantries and refrigerator if he is eating too much food with his friends so you won't have a higher grocery bill.
Agreed. Food bought by the parents is for family members and guests invited by the parents. If the son wants to feed his friends, he needs to contribute to the groceries or take them to a cafe.

League_Girl wrote:
Also the fact he laughed at you for you having a meltdown? Also disrespect.
Agreed. Although I wonder if the son is mirroring the behavior done to him. I had adults laugh or yell at me all the time when I cried as a kid.

League_Girl wrote:
But lot of kids are assholes at that age because they lack empathy and their minds are changing from kid to adult and they are so self absorbed and it's all about them. Plus they rebel.
I never rebelled to my parents' face. My rebellion consisted of sneaking their whiskey and replacing it with water. I was 12.

League_Girl wrote:
But soon he will grow out of it and be empathetic again towards you about your autism.
Agreed. Either that or vow to never have kids of his own, like I did.



Last edited by Aspie1 on 09 Oct 2019, 11:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

League_Girl
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09 Oct 2019, 8:54 am

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I feel sorry for the OP's son. I'm glad I'm an adult. I can do whatever I want in my home, with no consequences whatsoever. Including leaving a mess that would qualify for a "Hoarders" episode.


It's not really hard to pick up after yourself. I can understand forgetting sometimes because we all get side tracked and might forget to bring our plate to the kitchen. Maybe grounding him is harsh since the OP wrote he is usually tidy but that one day he forgot. If he should be punished, it should be for his disrespect he showed but not for leaving a mess. He did come home and cleaned it up but with a negative attitude. If it was done intentionally to set her off, yes ground him. Like I say, kids at that age are assholes so they rebel and will do things to intentionally trigger you. I had two younger brothers and it was very hard when they were in Junior high and my parents did s**t about it and they wondered why I was having so much anxiety and then behavior. I won't be that parent.

But then they got to high school and they were now empathetic and sensitive towards my needs so they found a way how they can still have their friends over and have their parties without me being stressed out and they learned to be quiet and not be so loud. I wouldn't even notice they were there and I wouldn't know there was a party going on. You know how loud and chaotic teens get. But when my brothers got sensitive towards me, I got better.

But I am hoping my kids won't be assholes when they get to that age and start deliberately doing things as a rebel. It wouldn't be funny and no one would be accept it if a 13 year old deliberately triggered a seizure in someone but yet it's okay to trigger an anxiety attack or a meltdown because it then become's the adult's fault than the child's. I mean yes they are a child but be the adult and punish them for their mean behavior.


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09 Oct 2019, 9:12 am

I wouldn't do the "white glove" thing----but I would expect a person of 14 to be able to pick him after his/her self, and to not leave his room too messy.

Maybe a little bit of clothes strewn about or whatever--but not to the point where you begin to look like a hoarder. No uneaten food items left for days.



SharonB
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09 Oct 2019, 11:48 am

No direct advice here. Simply another perspective. I dumped my ex-BF because he didn't return my scissors to the right place. My husband cancelled the house cleaners b/c I was too upset about things that *may* have been moved. That said, I am fine with my kids making a mess. (I say let's pick it up together.) It's my NT husband that doesn't like it. (He says it's more work for him.) Go figure. Expectations.



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09 Oct 2019, 12:42 pm

I was struck by the fact you said "IV had my 14 y/o son living with me for about 5 weeks now."
Where was he before he came to live with you?
14 years old is a time of transition between a child and an adult.
I don't think you want to drive a wedge between you and your son.
As an Aspie I can sympathize with your need to retreat to your home which is nice and orderly. You come home from work and you need to relax and vent stress that has built up over the day.

There are two ways to deal with an in-betweener. They are the carrot and stick approach. You can "figuratively speaking" beat him with a stick. Or you can provide him a carrot. Give him chores to do and if he does them well give him a weekly allowance. Help him make the transition to part time jobs, so he can develop his independence.

At the age of 14 each of my daughters were working full time during the summers. One worked detasseling corn in the fields. The other worked as a volunteer in the hospital. She is a medical doctor today.



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09 Oct 2019, 6:59 pm

I do have a recommendation a book "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Listen". My husband and I read a similar book when our nephew came to visit us years ago and it was very helpful for us both.



Caz72
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10 Oct 2019, 6:04 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
Well, I'll be damned. A teenager left a mess. It's a tragedy that puts "Romeo and Juliet" to shame. I'm shedding a tear as I read this thread. /s Sorry (not really), OP, my sympathy for you is very, very limited.

You're an adult. You have coping methods that your son can only dream of. So when he makes a mess, use those methods. Drink a shot of whiskey. Smoke or vape some tobacco. Eat a marijuana edible. Have a heart-to-heart with a friend. Watch an adult movie of your choice. Get yourself an antidepressant prescription. Can your son use these methods to calm himself down after you berate him yet again? Probably not. He only has his own mind.

If you keep this up, he'll join the Army the minute he turns 18, and write a letter telling you how chill and laid-back his drill sergeant is.


Im a bus driver and I do not wish to even touch drugs like
marijuana at all

I don't drink alcohol

I don't have any friends cos I don't want friends
I don't want to take antidepressants


FYI my son has only lived with me 2 months so im not quite used to having a youngster around the bungalow and im still adapting to the change , as much as I love him
his no good father has been doing heavy drugs lately so I got custody of my son
I may be more strict than his father ever was but its what the kid needs ,he needs boundaries and needs to be chastised
maybe I did overdo parenting about the mess but I dont need sarcastic comments please

I grounded him last weekend for being out til midnight on Friday when I told him to be home by 8.30.his response? - it s not a school night!
but I still dont like the thought of my 14 y/0 to be running amok in the streets late at night


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Aspie1
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10 Oct 2019, 10:15 pm

Caz72 wrote:
I grounded him last weekend for being out til midnight on Friday when I told him to be home by 8.30.his response? - it s not a school night!
but I still dont like the thought of my 14 y/0 to be running amok in the streets late at night
You said you're on the spectrum, like most of us on this site, but man, do I feel sorry for your son! :x

Your post clinches what I always believed: living with family is like a prison sentence. I hope he leaves on his 18th birthday and moves away across the country. Or joins the Army. Otherwise, he'll end up like me; you don't want that.



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10 Oct 2019, 10:34 pm

I think the giggling may have been a coping 1mechanism. As a person who had a volatile parent who would flip suddenly for seemingly tiny non-things, I can tell you, it's pretty scary to live with.

Could you have waited till you had calmed down before phoning him to come back and clean up?

Anger doesn't always breed trust and good communication. What he's going to learn is how to walk on eggshells around you so that you don't suddenly blow up on a random whim.

I honestly think I have ptsd from having to deal with my mother.

I hardly talk to her anymore.

I do agree with setting a curfew though. You want your kid to be safe.

It will take time for him to trust and respect you. You need to work on open communication. Flying into a rage will just push him away.


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Caz72
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11 Oct 2019, 7:01 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
I grounded him last weekend for being out til midnight on Friday when I told him to be home by 8.30.his response? - it s not a school night!
but I still dont like the thought of my 14 y/0 to be running amok in the streets late at night
You said you're on the spectrum, like most of us on this site, but man, do I feel sorry for your son! :x

Your post clinches what I always believed: living with family is like a prison sentence. I hope he leaves on his 18th birthday and moves away across the country. Or joins the Army. Otherwise, he'll end up like me; you don't want that.


so in other words im a bad mother thank you very much for pointing that out maybe next time if hes out way after the time hes supposed to come home I will just lock the door without a care where he is or what hes upto


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Aspie1
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11 Oct 2019, 9:19 am

Caz72 wrote:
so in other words im a bad mother thank you very much for pointing that out maybe next time if hes out way after the time hes supposed to come home I will just lock the door without a care where he is or what hes up to
Personally, I'd have preferred to be locked out over being grounded. But most US cities have curfews for minors (10:30 PM on average, much later than your curfew), and it's illegal to sleep in parks. I don't know how UK laws are set up, but I'm pretty sure there's something similar. If you lock him out, you'll only hurt yourself legally. So I guess stick with the grounding, what do I care.

There are criticisms going around about the curfew laws, because teens are putting themselves in harm's way to avoid being arrested, or taken home and punished. Like getting into a stranger's car, or hiding in an abandoned building, or trespassing into a railroad yard. But there's a lot of political and parental support for these laws, so they'll continue to be on the books for many years to come. Makes me glad to be an adult. Probably makes you glad too.

Don't knock antidepressants till you try them. I take Effexor (venlafaxine) for depression right now. Getting it was truly the best decision I made in the last 5 years, although doing a cruise this year is a very close second. I feel happy most of the time. If it affects you the way it affects me, your son's messes will be barely a blip on your emotional radar. You'll be too busy thinking happy thoughts. Just don't mix it with alcohol. Last time I did it, I made out (snogged) with a woman in a nightclub. All that extra serotonin had to go somewhere, right? ;)



Last edited by Aspie1 on 11 Oct 2019, 10:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

SaveFerris
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11 Oct 2019, 10:00 am

Caz72 wrote:
I grounded him last weekend for being out til midnight on Friday when I told him to be home by 8.30.his response? - it s not a school night!
but I still dont like the thought of my 14 y/0 to be running amok in the streets late at night


A total disrespect of your authority imo ( or a big f**k you to the prison guards if you are Aspie1 :wink: ) , I did similar many times ( I was a tearaway ). If I was out till midnight it was because I was up to no good. I had the whole 'treating the house like a hotel' lecture , cross words , read the riot act etc. I think the most effective punishment was the disappointment my mum conveyed she had in me.


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