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Aspie1
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11 Oct 2019, 10:16 am

SaveFerris wrote:
I think the most effective punishment was the disappointment my mum conveyed she had in me.
I disagree. My parents used the words "upset" and "disappointed" with me all the time. I never understood what it meant; they might as well be saying "I'm very werfiniquabossud in you!" I sort of knew it was a convoluted euphemism for "angry" or "p**sed off", but that's about it. I basically viewed it as a threat meant to intimidate me, by telling me a punishment is coming without disclosing what it is. Since I hated the suspense, I'd often do something to make the actual punishment happen, just to spare myself the wondering. Plus, I thought of it as an indirect way of pleasing my parents: since I believed they enjoyed punishing me, I was giving them an easy opportunity to do just that.



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11 Oct 2019, 10:23 am

Aspie1 wrote:
SaveFerris wrote:
I think the most effective punishment was the disappointment my mum conveyed she had in me.
I disagree. My parents used the words "upset" and "disappointed" with me all the time. I never understood what it meant; they might as well be saying "I'm very werfinysibuvsud in you!" I sort of knew it was a convoluted euphemism for "angry" or "p**sed off", but that's about it. I basically viewed it as a threat meant to intimidate me, by telling me a punishment will happen without disclosing what it'll be. Since I hated the suspense, I'd often do something to make the actual punishment happen, just to spare myself the wondering. Plus, I thought of it as an indirect way of pleasing my parents: since I believed they enjoyed punishing me, I was giving them an easy opportunity to do just that.


You can't disagree , it was a factual comment about mine & my mum's relationship :lol:

But seriously , I get what your saying , everyone is different and there are no hard and fast parenting skills when it comes to Aspie kids , what works for one , may not work for another and to have a viewpoint where something will or not definitely work is a bit blinkered.


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SaveFerris
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11 Oct 2019, 10:52 am

Caz72 wrote:
he did do as he was told but he thought it was funny and kept giggling at me which got me angry


I used to do this to my mum but I generally found it funny when she lost her s**t at me , she found it nearly impossible to bollock me as when she did I'd laugh or smirk which sometimes made her worse but often diffused things and made her calm down and talk to me rationally about what I did wrong , the consequences etc.


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Smiling and laughter are supposedly an evolutionary development to indicate that we're no threat to a predator. Basically, a survival instinct of submission.


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DW_a_mom
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11 Oct 2019, 4:12 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I think the giggling may have been a coping mechanism.


Agreed. That is what my son's girlfriend does when she doesn't know how to respond.


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11 Oct 2019, 4:18 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
SaveFerris wrote:
I think the most effective punishment was the disappointment my mum conveyed she had in me.
I disagree. My parents used the words "upset" and "disappointed" with me all the time. I never understood what it meant; they might as well be saying "I'm very werfiniquabossud in you!" I sort of knew it was a convoluted euphemism for "angry" or "p**sed off", but that's about it. I basically viewed it as a threat meant to intimidate me, by telling me a punishment is coming without disclosing what it is. Since I hated the suspense, I'd often do something to make the actual punishment happen, just to spare myself the wondering. Plus, I thought of it as an indirect way of pleasing my parents: since I believed they enjoyed punishing me, I was giving them an easy opportunity to do just that.


I can say that most kids (past a certain age) do understand what "disappointed" means and find it very powerful. I've watched it used to wonderful effect. What it means is "I believe you are a good person capable of doing much better than what you just did." Most kids leave that conversation wanting to do better and be the person the adult believes they can be.

Parents are also encouraged to use "I" words when disciplining kids because "I" words express how they feel without passing negative character judgement on the child. Passing negative character judgment can really harm a child's ability to grow and develop. But a parent should be able to express negative emotion in front of children for the same reason all of us need to be able to express negative emotion: keeping it bottled up is more destructive in the long run.

Did you ever tell your parents that you didn't understand what that meant?


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11 Oct 2019, 4:46 pm

Caz72 wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
I grounded him last weekend for being out til midnight on Friday when I told him to be home by 8.30.his response? - it s not a school night!
but I still dont like the thought of my 14 y/0 to be running amok in the streets late at night
You said you're on the spectrum, like most of us on this site, but man, do I feel sorry for your son! :x

Your post clinches what I always believed: living with family is like a prison sentence. I hope he leaves on his 18th birthday and moves away across the country. Or joins the Army. Otherwise, he'll end up like me; you don't want that.


so in other words im a bad mother thank you very much for pointing that out maybe next time if hes out way after the time hes supposed to come home I will just lock the door without a care where he is or what hes upto



Don't listen to him, he knows jack s**t about parenting. This is normal parent stuff you are doing and many kids have been grounded for these sort of things and they still are in contact with their parents. Many teens have curfews too and even cities have curfews for teens. BTW you son was grounded for not calling you and saying he will be late or for asking you if he can stay out longer. If he has a phone and had a way of contacting you, he should have called, if your town has a curfew for teens, he should have been home.

And being grounded is nothing compared to kids who are actually being abused in their home by their caregivers. You could have beaten him with items, bitten him, punched him, etc. but you didn't.


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DW_a_mom
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11 Oct 2019, 5:32 pm

Caz72 wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
Caz72 wrote:
I grounded him last weekend for being out til midnight on Friday when I told him to be home by 8.30.his response? - it s not a school night!
but I still dont like the thought of my 14 y/0 to be running amok in the streets late at night
You said you're on the spectrum, like most of us on this site, but man, do I feel sorry for your son! :x

Your post clinches what I always believed: living with family is like a prison sentence. I hope he leaves on his 18th birthday and moves away across the country. Or joins the Army. Otherwise, he'll end up like me; you don't want that.


so in other words im a bad mother thank you very much for pointing that out maybe next time if hes out way after the time hes supposed to come home I will just lock the door without a care where he is or what hes upto


I'm with League Girl. Don't let a single man with no kids who has multi issues with his own parents get to you. Nothing you've written here would allow a reasonable experienced parent to conclude you are a bad parent.

You are new to full time parenting and still finding your own style, and your son is still adjusting to your needs, so there is naturally going to be a little conflict. Don't be afraid to ask how other parents have handled the same thing while you figure out what is going to work best for your unique dynamic.

I do think 8:30 is really early but that fact does not absolve your son of the responsibility of making a phone call. What I would tell him is that finding a rule or request unreasonable is not a good reason to break it, and remind him that you are going to worry about him when he isn't where you expect him to be because you are responsible for his safety. At 14 understanding the reason for a rule will encourage him to comply.

As for challenging the 8:30 curfew, he should have done it before he left. My kids were always allowed to make their case with me if they didn't like a rule or request, but I wanted them to make a smart case the first time. Teach him that the time to protest would have been before he left, and that an effective argument would require more than a statement that it is a school night. An example of an effective challenge might be "mom, I don't have any obligations the next morning and it won't be easy for me to break away from the group or get a ride home that early. I believe I can be home by 10 and will promise to call you if it turns out I can't be." I might have a few questions but I would be agreeing to that argument and change the time. The benefit to allowing your son to make the occasional successful challenge is that he will learn how to form his thoughts and state them in an effective manner, which is a life skill. And you will also be getting the information you need to set the most appropriate boundaries for him.

Do be aware that the stories in our "Raised by an Asperger's Parent" make it clear that ASD rigidity can make things VERY difficult for a child. I don't recommend you read the thread, it is very harsh, but I do recommend you make a point of examining your own rules, restrictions and requirements to make sure you aren't being unreasonable, out of sync with other community families, or appearing arbitrary. Your son isn't inside your head; he isn't going to know your needs, and he doesn't experience life the same way you do. I don't know how much you already do this, but you will HAVE to engage in dialogue with him and be open to give and take. Trying to play "my way or the highway" is NOT going to work in this dynamic. Neither is "this is the rule I would have wanted as a child." Not being inside your relationship with your son, that is my 2 cents. TALK to him.


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Last edited by DW_a_mom on 11 Oct 2019, 10:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Caz72
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11 Oct 2019, 6:34 pm

Where I live has a high crime rate and a lot of the crime is caused by kids under 18 up to no good late at night either that or kids under 18 out late at night are sometimes the victims of crimes and it all makes me worry
hes an neurotypical teen so I understand he likes to be hanging out with his mates after school and I even gave him some money to get a mcdonalds and specificly told him to be home by 8.30 or 9 at the very latest and yes he had his mobile phone with him but instead he came home at 11.30 and wouldnt answer his mobile phone
so I had work the next morning but couldnt go to sleep til he was home and when he did answer his phone I told him to come home and yes I was angry cos what parent wouldnt be ?
he knew I was going be angry and he said he put his mobile phone in his mates bag so he could play football and didnt realise the time so I just told him hes not to go out or have friends over til sunday he seemed ok with it as long as he had his xbox which I allowed
he did learn his lesson and has been coming home at the time I say

what worries me is the boys hes hanging out with I think one boy seems ok but the others seem to be able to roam around the streets all night like their parents dont care
I dont know their parents and I dont do social media


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Aspie1
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11 Oct 2019, 7:05 pm

Wow, so many people defending the OP like minions, and trashing her son. I guess no one but me remembers how miserable being a child/teen really is. Which clinches what I always believed: families are ruthless power structures, where the strong and the cunning live high on the hog, while the weak and the naive are trampled on. I'm very disappointed in all of you. (See what I did there? ;))

I hope the OP's son has the mental strength to tough out the remaining 4 years. Then move away, cut ties, and live as a free man. Not unlike USA broke away from England on July 4, 1776, after decades of the Sugar Act, the Quartering Act, etc. At least there was no Curfew Act requiring all colonists to be in their homes by 8:30 PM.

In a way, I feel like I brought the negative attention on myself. Mea culpa. This is, after all, the Parenting Forum. It's no different than a Hasidic rabbi walking into a mosque; he shouldn't be surprised if people are looking at him funny.

Enjoy your power over your son! I'm done with this thread!



Last edited by Aspie1 on 11 Oct 2019, 7:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Juliette
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11 Oct 2019, 7:07 pm

OP, I am seriously concerned for your relationship with your son. I understand that he didn't do as you expected him to do. However, the way you're going about it is very inneffective. Also, he is a teenager. One of the golden rules about bringing about "good change" in behaviour, is that we as adults change our behaviour in order to effectively impact the behaviour of our children... Seriously, I know you're trying to be a good parent, but this is simply NOT an effective way.



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11 Oct 2019, 7:35 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
.

Enjoy your power over your son! I'm done with this thread!



Power :lmao:

It's called parental responsibility


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11 Oct 2019, 7:45 pm

Juliette wrote:
Seriously, I know you're trying to be a good parent, but this is simply NOT an effective way.



Which part ? What would you do differently ? Offer some suggestions on effective parenting..


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11 Oct 2019, 8:21 pm

Above all else, keep it positive. The ultimate objective when raising children, is to teach/enable them to self-manage and take responsibility for their own behaviour in the world at large, and this starts in the home. Since he's only with you for 5 weeks, and he has "slipped up", whether you've laid down the ground rules early on or not, start from scratch. I'd tell him that you really want him to enjoy his time with you, but that those ground rules help keep you in a happy place. So, using his special interests(be he NT or ASD), give him options. If he can manage to help you with this, by tidying up after himself, then eg "We'll have a cinema night" or whatever is a decent incentive to encourage him back on track. You don't want him to be laughing at you, but rather, willing to work "with" you, not "against" you.



Caz72
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11 Oct 2019, 8:24 pm

Quote:
Enjoy your power over your son! I'm done with this thread!


Yes good riddance


I thought coming on a parents forum on an autism site would be a good idea but some of the people in this thread are accusing me of being a bad parent
also I have already explained in this thread somewhere about my circumstances with my son but do people only read just the first post in every thread ?
also this is the last time il use parents discussion for advice on how to parent a neurotypical child If im going to be badmouthed by childless people who think they are supernanny


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11 Oct 2019, 8:31 pm

Caz, you are certainly not a bad parent, quite the opposite. You need order in your life. I'm the same. I have 3 children, now adult aged. You are here, letting people in, sharing your situation. You have every right to voice how you feel, and how you believe you should be handling this situation. Every right. Anyone who offers advice, should be doing so with the intent of supporting you, caring for your situation, and wanting to help improve things. Sending very best wishes and anyone who's a parent knows just how difficult it truly is.